11103/Facing Fears

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Facing Fears
Date of Scene: 09 May 2022
Location: Jon and Martin's Apartment, Chelsea, New York
Synopsis: Jon and Cael have a talk after Martin reveals he's leaving. They discuss Cael moving in (not happening yet) and also maybe Cael getting exposure therapy (maybe happening!)
Cast of Characters: Jonathan Sims, Cael Becker




Jonathan Sims has posed:
    The Chelsea apartment is open concept in the sense that the kitchen and living room are one large room with floor-to-ceiling windows. It's easy to see why Jon and Martin have kept the lease on the place; the apartment is on a corner that faces east, the windows facing both northeast and southeast, with a view of the Empire State Building. It gets a lot of good light in the morning, but with the sun going down there's the lights of Manhattan out the windows, a dazzling vista that probably tacks at least a couple hundred dollars onto their rent.

    It also means that there's no privacy to speak of until Martin eyes Cael and Jon and loudly suggests he go and help Agnes set up her bedroom--the furthest room in the apartment from the living room. Jon, at least, can tell what he's doing, and rolls his eyes fondly as he shoos husband and daughter out so he and Cael can clean up the dishes. For a little while he just stands there at the counter sorting out food waste into a newly-bought compost bin, considering how to bring up what he's trying to bring up.

    Finally, he says, slowly, "So I suppose this will mean we can spend most every night together if you wanted." It's almost tentative, his statement. Like he's afraid of the reaction, though that's silly.

Cael Becker has posed:
    As Jon clears the plates, Cael starts rinsing and washing them - stacking them into place in the drying rack set beside the sink. Nearby, two large piles of floof are enjoying a nap, overlapping one another in a way that has no right of being comfortable. Dogs.
     Her movements still, however, at Jon's words - an uncertain look showing on her features.
    "I, uhh..." Right. Intelligent start there, Cael. "I suppose you're right," she confirms, turning the idea over in her mind and trying to decide how the feels about it. She can just hear an 'I told you so' from Sara.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "We don't have to," Jon says quickly. "And even... even if we did, we could... alternate between your place and mine, or something." Except what about Agnes? He frowns, and stares down at the plate he's holding.

    "I don't want to... box you in or anything. I don't want you to feel like this means you have to... move in. Or that it means you /can't/ if you wanted to. You wouldn't be replacing Martin or anything, regardless." He glances over toward the hallway, and the bedroom beyond. "I'd imagine that's why he's doing it now, though. Giving us some space to... figure things out."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "No we can't, Jon," Cael says simply. No when there's a child involved. They're not going to move Agnes back and forth for no reason - even if they could. Even if she had a place for the girl to stay and- even then. With the girl in tow, it's still-
    She lets out a sigh, and runs a hand through her hair. "I'm going to need time to think about it," Cael says bluntly. "But the thought of having you to myself every night is... nice," she admits.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon sighs. "You're right. We can't. Because of Agnes." There, it's spoken. "At least, not until she's old enough to go to Happy Harbor, /if/ that's what we wind up doing. I've been thinking about it, I hear great things about the school, but that's a couple of years out. For now... she needs stability, and she needs her father around. There's a lot I have to start teaching her, just about... what she's going to be, someday, and about magic."

    He scrapes the last of the food waste into the compost bin and puts the last dish in the sink, then goes to pull out a wine bottle and decant some of it to let it aerate. As he does this, he says, "I would love it if you just... moved in. I really would. There's apartments in the building that have two bedrooms plus a den, it wouldn't be hard to move if one of them's open, down the line. Or maybe you keep a room at Sara's, so you can go away if you need, have your own space if you need."

    He turns away, holding the wine bottle as he pushes the cork back in. "But... well... there's Sara to think of. And Bear--/two/ big dogs in one apartment? And you. Going from 'no boyfriend ever' to 'moving in with my boyfriend and his daughter' in the space of six months is... a big change."

    A sigh. "But you don't have to decide now. Or at all. We can just play things by ear forever. But it would be nice. Sharing the space."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael nods in silence as she continues washing the dishes, keeping her attention on the task at hand - but it's hard to miss the tension that's built up in her back and shoulders. Probably even harder to ignore the way her roiling, confused emotions alter her aura to Jon's eyes.
    "I like having you near me, Jon," Cael says quietly. "And I sleep better with you... there," she admits. She lets out a sigh, then confirms, "I think we play things by ear - for now. It's just... a lot. You know?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I know. I just..." Jon hesitates, thoughtfully. "Look, when Martin and I got married it wasn't just because we were in love. It was... marriage makes living together easier in ways most people don't even think about. He's the default person anyone's going to go to, for medical decisions or what happens when I die. I cannot be forced to testify against him in court unless I'm implicated in a crime. It's easier to get a lease together. I was able to adopt Lyra."

    A pause. "The adoption was the big thing, actually. They wouldn't let me adopt her until we were married. Like that one piece of paper changed everything, when it changed... almost nothing."

    He sighs. "My point being... /that's/ what Martin is, to me. Not just the man I love, but the person that I've entirely twined my life with. That's why it's hard, to watch him go. I know he needs to, and I respect it, but so long as we're married I assume he'll be back."

    He looks at Cael. "Moving in together, that'd be..." A gesture around the room. "Some part of this becomes yours. Your stuff in the space, you make decisions on how we decorate and what we buy. That's why I keep saying I understand if you need /your own space/. Even if you did decide to move in, maybe you need a space that's /just/ yours, no ties to us. And maybe you decide to stay with Sara, because you moved in together, and that relationship, that's important too."

    He puts the bottle down and goes over to put his hands on Cael's shoulders, gently, like he's trying to soothe the tension. "I'm not... I'm not remotely pushing anything. I'm explaining how I see things. And why it's different, you and Martin. And... maybe I'm trying to... to adjust to the idea that for a while, this is... just mine. Well, mine and Agnes' but... if the two of us decide to paint the walls purple, who's going to stop us? Not Martin." A snort. "He's off in Nilaa."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael stills under Jon's hand - a few tears streaking down her cheeks. She's not even sure why she's crying. She's not sad, she's just- what? Overwhelmed? But after a moment, she shifts her weight in towards the countact, letting her shoulder press in against Jon.
    "I, umm... I met Rien's little sister today." A seeming nonsequitor - what could that have to do with their current conversation. "She seems nice. She said, uh- that you and her were talking about... us. And I told her that I- that it was nice not being alone. That it was something I was, uhh.... getting used to."
    She takes a deep breath, and lets it out in a huff. "Not completely, though, it seems."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "No pressure, love. None. You know where I stand. You come or go as you please, until and unless you decide you want to make some kind of commitment." Jon presses on Cael's shoulders for a moment and then starts to massage them, gently, trying to help the tension ease away. "If that means you sleep here every night and never officially 'move in' so be it. You being around makes me happy enough as it is."

    He leans down to kiss her hair, gently. "You met Gabby?" He sounds pleased. "She's a good kid. Smart, strong, good head in a crisis. She, ahh... there was a whole issue where Tim and Phoebe got kidnapped for a couple of days, and she kept me on an even keel. Kept everyone on an even keel. Proved her chops. And yeah, I told her about us. She, ahh," he laughs. "She was having her own relationship issues, gods, that sounds like a tangle."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I know. I know, Jon." Little by little, some of the tension starts to ease out of Cael. She'd just started to feel like she understood how things fit together with her and Jon and Martin - and Agnes as well. And now... things were changing again.
    But they'd find their footing. They'd be together, and that made it alright.
    "She seemed rather... cheerful. But that can be a good thing. I didn't Phoebe and Tim ever got grabbed..."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Some of it's... well, not classified, technically, but classified is the right word, if you take my meaning. Secret hero stuff I can't really talk about. It was a rough time, but Gabby handled herself admirably." Jon sighs, happy enough to let the subject change. Cael had not fled the idea of at least being around regularly, and that was good enough for him.

    They smirk after a moment, continuing with the shoulder massage. "She's also evidently related to Deadpool somehow... I'm not clear on just how... but she was in trouble a while back and he came along as a weirdly protective older brother. It was... interesting, to say the least."

    A pause, and then they add, "You were right about Phoebe, you know." They hesitate. Bring up Chas? Avoid the subject? Cael's tense enough as it is.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "...Rien and //Wade// are related?" Cael asks with bafflement. //How//? But Jon doesn't seem to have the answer to that. She shakes her head slightly, and lets out a quiet sigh at the continued massage. She wasn't going to lie. ...it felt //good//.
    "Of course I was right," she says simply. Then after a moment she asks cautiously, "Why? What happened? Nothing too bad, I hope?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I don't think they're related exactly...?" Jon blinks, and frowns, hands stilling on Cael's shoulders for a moment. "Actually, I ought to ask her. Or him. But she's easier to get ahold of."

    He shakes his head and goes back to what he was doing. Maybe the massage will ease the tension. "I talked to Chas earlier today. He's asking for help with the changes he's undergone. Evidently, he and Phoebe went out to Kansas to test his new abilities and he accidentally broke her jaw, because he went through her shield like, as he put it, 'plywood.'" Jon shakes his head. "Never mind that I could've told them both precisely how powerful Chas is if they'd just /asked/, going out to spar with someone whose powers you do not understand without someone else on-site? Phoebe can't heal herself from being /dead/. That's why I was there when you punched him, even though I was certain the amulet could protect you after it handled Michael going nova. If something /had/ happened there was a third party to help out."

Cael Becker has posed:
    There is, predictably, a stiffening at the mention of Chas's name - but aside from a momentary reaction of surprise, she doesn't seem too thrown by it.
    "Well. ...and I needed you there, anyways. I couldn't- I don't know how easily I could have faced him alone," she admits.
    She takes a deep breath in, and a slow breath out before adding, "When experimenting with new powers, or tech, or- anything like that... you need be new help," she agrees with Jon. "I thought she had more common sense than that. She must have let emotions cloud things."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I'm beginning to wonder," Jon admits. "Particularly, I'm beginning to wonder if the unConstantine didn't mess with her head just as much as anyone else's. Well, or maybe just exposure to the /Constantine/ way of doing things." He shakes his head. "We were talking about... Chas feels like he hasn't 'paid enough' for his powers. In the sense that John sees magic as something you can pay for--and thus, you can get /out/ of paying for. As if someone, somewhere, doesn't pay the debt regardless."

    He sighs. "But that attitude, about... paying in suffering, about being able to do anything if only you're willing to pay the price, about... gods, I don't know. About being willing to do /whatever/ it takes to fix a problem. She had me half-convinced she knew a lot more about magic than she actually does. I suppose I should have considered... she's made some bad decisions in the past. Done foolish things to herself, thinking that it doesn't matter so long as she's the one paying the price, as if that stuff doesn't spill out to other people."

    A frown. "I'm beginning to wonder if I should've... I don't know. Offered? But until Agnes came around I really never considered that I had much to teach anyone."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I hope you're disavowed of that notion," Cael replies, tilting her head back to give Jon an awkward, upside-down kiss without bothering to turn around. "We all have something to teach. I mean, I can teaching gun skills, or driving - or now, well, I can teach just about any melee weapon, and hand-to-hand skills... Cap's asked me to teach //him// some things." She shakes her head slightly. "How nuts is that? Anyways. We all have something to teach."
    She's silent a moment then adds without any preamble, "I'm getting another tattoo. I booked the appointment already."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon snorts after returning the kiss. "You're teaching /Rogers/ something? Will wonders never cease." He's teasing, obviously, and leans down to kiss her hair again. "I agreed to teach him. He needs to unlearn this idea that all you need to do to solve a problem is find the right spell in the right book. I figured... I figured I owed it to you, and the world, if nothing else. He has a lot of power, and part of my duty is to make sure beings like that don't run amok. Why not start before anything goes wrong?"

    He tilts his head, then. "Another tattoo? I've been pondering the idea myself. The, umm... well, even beyond the whole 'crusty academic' persona I used to cultivate, in ancient Egypt only women wore tattoos, so I'd balked at it for obvious reasons. I'm not as... worried about that, these days. But... what sort of tattoo? And what's the... occassion?" Cael does seem to tattoo herself to mark things, Jon's noticed.

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael nods, without commenting on Jon's mentorship of Chas. It made sense, and she's been clear already - she had no intention of coming between the friends just because she has issues.
    She remains still and silent a moment - wondering how Jon will react to her latest tattoo decision before she fishes out her phone, and pulls up a saved image - a sketch of a wrench, broken in half. "I was planning on putting it... here," she remarks, touching the unblemished skin where she'd been shot, and then looking up towards Jon to see how he reacts to the idea.
    It wouldn't surprise her if he was less thrilled about a visible reminder of the day he watched his girlfriend die.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Oh, my love." Jon sighs and wraps his arms around her from behind, pulling her close. He closes his eyes for a moment, and it might seem that he's less than pleased by the idea.

    Then he laughs, softly. "We need to stop letting Witchblade heal you. Clearly not having a scar bothers you." A beat. Then, "I think it's a lovely idea, though. A memorial, of sorts, hmm? Tattoos as a marker of experience. It makes sense."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I think it was best we allowed it this time," Cael agrees, relaxing into Jon's arms. "But yeah. It's- things like this should leave their mark. It's not as bad as it was - after... the crucifixion," she admits. "But maybe it's because I don't have to see it all the time - only when I look in the mirror. And I thought... Some sort of bullet, or bullet wound as a bit gruesome. I considered simply tattooing in a scar, but- ...I think this is better."
    She tilts her head against Jon as she asks, "You won't mind it, though?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Why would I mind? It's a symbol of your sister, and her love for you." A pause, and then Jon sighs. "Do you think it's just going to remind me of you dying? Love... /you/ remind me of you dying. I have to figure out how to live with that. But you came back. That's the difference between this time and... all the others."

    He looks around the room--well, the kitchen, really, their backs are to most of the room. "I fled this place when I thought Martin was dead. Every nook and cranny reminded me of him. I wanted to leave when Lyra died, but Martin wouldn't. It was a bone of contention between us." He sighs. "I'm having to learn to stop fleeing the things that bring up the painful memories. It means fleeing the good ones, too."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael nods her head, a faint exhale testament to her relief. "Okay," she agrees. "Because I, uhh - I wouldn't want to make things harder or more painful for you. I know it's something you're still grapling with. Hell, I'm still grapling with it." No real surprise there. "But it's not been as hard as I thought it would be - not since I remembered."
    She's silent a moment before adding quietly, "I feel a little ridiculous saying it, because I always thought Christians with their concept of heaven, and seeing each other again in death were... naively optimistic, and lying to themselves, but- ...I'm glad we'll see each other again, no matter what happens. That it won't have to be goodbye."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon sighs. "Christians ask one to take everything on faith, including what actually qualifies one to get into Heaven. I mean, there was a time when one could pay a priest to forgive their sins. Paying their way into Heaven!" He shakes his head. "Ridiculous. The scales don't take bribes."

    He squeezes her tightly and then starts to step back, unwrapping his arms, though she could stop him if she wanted. "It's hard. It's... not just that, but it's all hard. I'm managing, at least for now. I think it's part of why I'm being a bit clingy, though. I don't mean to be, I just... I worry. I don't want to lose you again."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Yeah - that's just a greedy church," Cael agrees. "Either you're a good person - or you're not." She turns towards Jon as they start to pull away, giving them another kiss, and keeping hold of their arms gently as she regards them with some concern and sympathy in her eyes.
    "I know," she confirms quietly. "I know, love, but I think one big scare was enough for us. I'm going to do whatever I can to stay with you, and not... waste what Alis and Alya gave us."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I'm sorry about last night. All those texts." Not really very many texts, but Jon is clearly worried. "I don't mean to push. I don't want to say 'tell me if you leave the Trisk.' I don't want to be that guy, you know? I should trust you. But I worry. I wasn't with you. I... I didn't protect you. And I know..."

    A pause, and they frown. "No. No it /is/ my job to protect you, and take care of you. Just like it's yours to protect and take care of me. We're supposed to have each other's backs, and I didn't. I couldn't save you on my own. I'm a /doctor/, that's..." They've had this conversation before; Jon closes their eyes. "I have to do better, to /be/ better. I keep thinking 'well if I'd been there I could have pulled up a barrier' but I can't be with you every second of every day."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I don't need you to apologize for that, Jon. I don't even want you to apologize. It's okay. I- we both went through something very traumatic, and it's going to take us both time to really recover, and it's left us traumatized." Cael reaches up to rest a damp hand on Jon's cheek, as she peers up into their eyes. "Do you want me to text you when I leave the Trisk, for now?" she asks bluntly. "Just until we deal with the Alhambras."
    She smiles sadly as she adds, "We can't be with each other every moment of every day... But maybe we can work a panic feature into my phone. If I activate it, it pings you my location data... And you know there's trouble. I'm sure one of our friends will know how to do that."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon hesitates a moment, then says, "Both of those things would be good, yes. Just... just until this crap with the Alhambras is dealt with. I can get there faster than almost anyone else, and I can... if I /study/ and /learn/ I can heal. So you'll be okay."

    Then they reach out to pull Cael back in. "I'm trying, so hard, not to cling. Not to hover. I... the way our relationship started, the difference in our ages and experience... I'm just cognizant, all the time, that I need to be careful about potential power imbalance. Not that I think you'd just blindly go along with anything I say but I wouldn't want to... I don't know. I worry, is all.

    They frown. "I feel very... protective, in a way I'm not entirely used to. Not that I'm not protective about Martin, but it didn't feel so... sometimes you seem terribly fragile. And I know you're not, not really, but it's still this instinct I have to push away, you know? Make sure whatever I'm doing, you're okay with."

    A pause, and he clears his throat. "Which reminds me. Ahh. If you are determined to put back the amulet and... and not use it, can we... do that? So it's not hanging there..." He sighs. "It nags at me. 'Oh Cael could just.' But I know you said after the angels you'd put it aside, and I respect that. It'd be a worry off my mind, though." Weirdly enough.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I'm not going to let you stalk my location data freely," Cael says with dry amusement. "But having a fast was of alerting you to my location, and that there's a problem, //permanently// feels like a really good idea. Alright? We get our techie friends to figure that one out - and it stays in place." She leans in to give Jon a gentle, reassuring kiss after those words.
    She leans into Jon's arms - amusement on her features as she adds, "And what part of 'Cael Becker' do you think would let you push me around against my will? Hrm? When have I struck you as weak willed, or compliant?" she teases. "You don't smother me. You don't pressure me. You don't control me - I promise you."
    Resting her head on Jon's chest she adds, "I'd like to put it back. Did you find a better location? Or we taking it back where we found it?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon laughs. "Ohh, I know. I /know/ you wouldn't let me do that. But you shouldn't have to even worry about it, you shouldn't have to expend the energy--because I should respect you, and not push. It's about doing the right thing by you. Being able to look at myself in the mirror and know I've treated you properly."

    He reaches down to run his hand through her hair. "I found a place, yes. I think I've found the location of Scathach's tomb, which seems the most fitting place to return it to."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Can't argue with that," Cael agrees, smiling at the touch of Jon's hand in her hair. "Then we go. Just you and me again? Hrm?" she asks in a fond tone.
    "Who do we hand my phone off to? Your friend Red Robin? He's good with tech,, yeah? Unless you have someone else in mind. I mean, we could probably get someone in SHIELD to do the job..."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Red Robin could probably do it, yeah. We'll see if we can get ahold of him. If not, probably someone in SHIELD." Jon sighs, relaxing a bit. Slowly, slowly relaxing.

    "Thank you," they say softly. "For... coming up with a way for me to worry less. I worry, you know? It's going to happen."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I know," Cael agrees calmly. "And honestly? It'll make me feel better, too." She takes a deep breath in, letting it out slowly as she relaxes in Jon's arms. "Let's have it set up as one of those things where you press the on-button three times in quick succession, yeah? One of those things you don't need to unlock the phone to activate. Quickest way to do the job, yeah?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "That works," Jon agrees. "I begin to understand the concept the, ahh, unConstantine had, with the amulets... it made these amulets for the Night Brigade, we could communicate and it'd let people through the wards. It's a good basic idea, but a cell phone works for a lot of that just as well."

    He clears his throat, then looks down at Cael. "Speaking of amulets, repeatedly now... if I made you something, to help protect you... would you mind? Would you wear it? I'm experimenting a bit with making them, and it might be a little while, but even something that'll deflect a single bullet and break could mean life or death."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "...it could indeed," Cael confirms in a quiet voice. "If I'd- if I knew the first bullet wouldn't land, I could have tried to make a break for cover. Or... drawn my gun. Or... something." She tilts her head back to kiss Jon on the edge of their jaw before confirming, "I'm not opposed, love. If you think you can make something that would work... Then sure." She's silent for a moment then asks, "Is it something you could work into my cuff? Or would it... actually physically break the object when the magic is expended?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon huffs out a breath. "Not a clue, yet. I haven't even tried to make a protective amulet, unless you count the wards I put on Grand Central Station. But I had a /lot/ of extra power, back then. Let me do some experimenting and I'll tell you how it'll work. Something that'd be able to be in your bracelet, even if it has to be renewed, would be ideal... but we'll see."

    He quirks a brow, looking down at her. "So... not against a bit of magic when your boyfriend's making it for you, hmm?" The tone is teasing.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Or the... necklace," Cael confirms. "Something I'll be wearing anyways."
    She meets Jon's gaze with amusement, the corners of her lips quirking upwards. "It's a gift, made with love. How can I refuse it?" she asks. She grows more serious as she adds, "Besides... it's not the first time you did that for me. You made that, umm... charm. That bag, that- ...kept Michael out of my head. For a bit. Delayed him long enough that- well. That you arrived in time."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I did, didn't I? And that was a gift made with love, too, even if I didn't realize it at the time." Jon sighs, and keeps running his hand through Cael's hair.

    "I hate that we have to keep... delaying, and keeping you alive unti help can arrive. I wish you could deal with these things yourself, or... I don't know." A shrug.

    "You're mortal. And I'm trying to remind myself that that's not a weakness. I really am."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Love... I really can handle most things on my own. I train, I practice, I prepare. I am very capable. I spar with Captain Fucking America, and he wants //me// to give //him// pointers. I can and will take care of myself. But... if I know the first bullet won't land? It gives me an edge. If I can call for back-up? It gives me a safety net."
    She smiles up at Jon encouragingly. "We live dangerous lives - but plan, and prepare, and take sensible precautions. Yeah?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I know all of that. But you still get hurt, you still get scared... and a long time ago I promised I'd tried to help you, remember? I feel like I've failed you, some, in that. Helping you know enough about magic to know when to run and when to face it head-on." Jon sighs.

    Then, after a moment, they pull back a little and look down at Cael seriously. "We /do/ live dangerous lives. That's what I was... the other night, in Austria, in the spa. That's what I was trying to get at. We live dangerous lives, and we /both/ risk our lives sometimes. And if I have to be okay with you putting Scathach's amulet back, for instance, then you need to figure out how to be okay with me risking myself in general. And trust that I'm doing my own planning and preparation."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael lets Jon pull away, as she regards them with a serious expression, her hands lingering on their arms. "I- I feel like I do, but you had some valid points - I'm not going to say that you didn't." She squeezes Jon's arms as she continues. "I'm going to try, and if you feel like I'm not trusting you... I'd appreciate it, if you pointed it out. So we can talk about it. So I try to... stop making you feel that way. I do believe you, Jon. I do trust you."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon smiles. "I won't say I never take a risk I don't need to take, but... I'm one of the leaders of the JLD. At least there, I can't let someone else take a risk I wouldn't be willing to take myself. And that doesn't mean I'm always the right one to stand up to a foe or jump a chasm or solve a puzzle. But if I wouldn't be willing to, if I were the best choice? Lead from the front, you know?"

    A pause, and they sigh. "Maybe that's the thing I keep trying to explain. If someone had to die to save the universe, I had to at least be willing. If we needed people to die over and over to make that body bridge, I need to at least be willing. And I worry that it bothers you... that I'm willing. Does that make sense?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I..." Cael hesitates a moment, trying to find the right words. "Right now, being here, being safe, being in my right mind? I don't like the thought of you throwing yourself again and again into the chasm. It makes my heartache - but I understand it. I don't know that I could bear to watch you do it - but that- it isn't about trust. And it isn't even really about... you. It's my pain, my trauma. It's- it's not wanting to see people I care about suffering. I don't know how to withstand something like that."
    She moves back in towards Jon, so she can tuck her head against him, her face turned down, and out of sight.
    "I know you're willing to take risks. I know you're willing to die for the universe - or for New York. Or... for a single highrise filled with people. I would be too. I know it, and I accept it, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt me sometimes."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I know it hurts," Jon says softly. "Trust me, I know. I've had to watch Martin go off and risk his life and not even know why or what he's doing for... over a decade. Him going to Nilaa's just... an extended version of that. He would go off to work every day and I wouldn't know if he was in trouble or not or even which job he was really at. He'd come home bruised and battered sometimes and couldn't tell me what had happened--because of operational security or patient confidentiality both."

    He sighs. "I just mean... I know. /Trust/ me, I know. I know that it hurts, because it hurt me when you came back home with a scratch on your cheek, remember? It's not that you're upset, it's... it's that I don't know if you being in the field with me, when I take those risks, is a liability. It's that you can't seem to just... put it aside and focus on the mission when it's /me/. But I know you know that sometimes you have to do that. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you're hurting, the /mission/ is what matters."

    A huffed-out breath. "And I don't want to stop going into the field with you. I love that we can work together. It's... it's important to me."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Part of me thinks... it's unfair to hold me to that standard when I'm in the middle of an... episode," Cael remarks quietly. "And the rest of me knows that's not exactly an argument for letting me go out into the field."
    Cael lets out a heavy sigh. "I know... I disappointed us both when we found that chasm. I know I did it again when we went to get Chas - and if Rien thinks I need to stay out of the field for a while... I will," she promises.
    "But there were many battles where I trusted you - weren't there? Where I let you take risks, and knew you could handle it. I just- Michael taking you panicked me. I couldn't trust him - I had no way of knowing what was happening to you... I'm not proud of that moment. I'm not proud of my panic - but I understand it."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Cael..."

    Jon hesitates a moment, then says slowly, "Cael. When I was going to die... I kept having to reassure you. Comfort you. I know we've talked about that, and I don't bring it up to be accusatory. I know that if I need you, and I reach out, you will be there. I know, I /know/ you do not want things to be like that. But do you think I don't have reactions the same way you do? Trauma, and flashbacks, and panic, out in the field?"

    "I do," Jon says bluntly. "But I also know that if I'm going to do my job, I have to figure out how to handle that, so people trust me. When I was unreliable you insisted on tethering our dreams together and wouldn't let that go until everything was done. So I don't think it's unreasonable for me to say 'can you maybe work on dealing with how to handle a panic attack in the field with Caldwell.'"

    He sighs. "But maybe it won't be an issue. I keep... I keep telling myself it won't be an issue. I'm trying to be... understanding, and forgiving, and all the rest. To be patient. Telling myself that with Michael gone it won't be so much of an issue. So... hopefully not."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "We are working on that, Jon. I- being safe and reliable in the field is- it's important to me too." Cael lets out a huff of frustration as she adds, "Rien's too understanding, you know. I went to her, and to Robbie, to apologize. That they've seen me twice now... losing my cool. That because I couldn't handle things, they had to take that pain without more help. And they both kept telling me it's fine - when it's not. It's //not.// And if I can't keep control in the field then I have no business being in the field and I //know// that, but I just- I keep hoping that- it's behind us now." A tears streak unheeded down her cheeks as she keeps her gaze hidden from Jon's view.
    "Hell, at the beginning of the invasion - I took myself off the field entirely. I wouldn't even set foot in Manhattan, because I KNEW I wasn't alright. So... so tell me what I should be doing, that I'm not already trying to do. Should I be out of the field? Should I be seeing Caldwell more often? I am trying to be stronger. I am trying to be well. I'm fighting like hell. What do you want me to do?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon hesitates for a long moment and then says, "Only..." He swallows. "Look, if... if I'm... blunt, and maybe hurtful... is that okay? Just... to say the thing I think might help. And then that's that and I won't bring it up again."

    A pause. "Or, I can /not/ say it, and not hurt you. And that's okay."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael was already hurting. Doubting. Was she strong enough? Well enough? Was she broken? When would she ever be well enough again? What if she couldn't do it?
    "Tell me," she insists quietly, without moving from her position tucked tightly against Jon's chest.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I think you let your fear control you," Jon says, bluntly as promised. "You are so afraid of /being afraid/ that you cannot stand the thought of facing fear, of accepting fear. You are trying to avoid things that will trigger the trauma but sometimes you are /dwelling/ in the trauma. You are letting the trauma define you, and trying so hard not to accept the pain and the suffering that you're talking about not living a full life. But pain and suffering and fear... those are part of life. We don't get to get away from them. Being angry doesn't stop you being afraid, it doesn't get rid of the pain. Sometimes it makes it worse."

    They sigh, and sag a bit, and wrap Cael tighter. "And... and having said that... having /said that out loud/... the answer's blindingly obvious. Exposure therapy, if Caldwell would direct that. Expose yourself, slowly, to things you're afraid of. Sit in a room with Chas, not even looking at him, see if you can. Go to the training room with me and train /hard/, watch me risk hurting myself. Let me teach you mental wards, and test them, both so you feel safe against intrusion into your mind and so you get used to the idea that someone can be in your mind."

    He sighs, and buries his face in her hair. "Face the fear. Accept the fear. I know you can, I know you're strong enough. I... gods, that's what frustrates me, I /know/ you're strong enough. I wish I could help you believe in yourself like I believe in you."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "How do I not live?" Cael asks quietly, while listening to everything that Jon has to say.
    She takes it in in silence, not disagreeing with his words - but at the meer mention of someone being in her mind she flinches, jerking for a moment in Jon's arms, pulling away for less than a second, only to reverse that and lean in all the tighter.
    "I, uhh... I want to try being around Chas," she admits quietly. "As long as I- as I know. As long as I know it's coming. I even, umm, suggested to Rien we do some sort of... of skirmish. To see if Chas an I can work together... as some point. Not yet, but- maybe soon?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon nods, letting Cael go as she flinches and then pulling her back in. "Talk to Caldwell," he says. "Please. Just... see what she thinks. What she suggests. Maybe you're never okay with some things... but if you're /trying/ that's... good enough for me."

    They sigh. "I trust you in the field, love. I do. I am choosing to trust you. I am choosing, right now, to put the shit that came before aside. Michael's gone, and he's not coming back. I died, and that's over and done. You died too, and came back. I need to move forward too. My, uh... my therapist says I need to be more willing to be blunt with people so it doesn't spill at at inopportune times." He smirks. "I mean... she's not wrong, you know? I just mean... we're both hurting, and it's not like I'm... gods. I'm not perfect. I'm not."

    They hesitate, then say, "You know if you're... if you're upset with me about something, you could tell me, right? If I hurt you."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "God, you're really not," Cael agrees, letting out a weak laugh. Tears keep streaking down her cheeks as she continues to hide her face from Jon, answering their words with a quiet, "I know."
    There's a silence before she finally adds, "I just- I'm trying. I'm really trying. I'm trying to hard to get better, and to be strong, and to be here for you and I hate- I hate feeling like I'm not doing enough, not trying enough, not- I hate feeling broken. I hate- I hate feeling like you doubt when I know- you have good reasons to- to..."
    She doesn't finish the thought, as she lapses into silence, trying to control her breathing, and get it back to even, and steady.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "And you're upset that I'm not being more patient with you? That I'm... bringing up all the doubts and worries and not just... quietly supporting you?" Jon frowns slightly, stroking Cael's hair gently. "Or... that I don't just get it out there, and I let it linger?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I...don't know," Cael admits. "I don't know. I- I wanted you to tell me. I'm glad you told me. I just- I- it hurts. You feel like I don't trust you, and I- it feels like you don't trust me, and I you have good reasons not to, and maybe you're right not to and- it- it- it hurts. I'm trying, I'm fighting so hard to get well, and it- it feels like it's just not good enough, and it hurts."
    She frees one of her hands to press it to her own chest as she adds, "I want to be strong. I want to be well..."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I trust you," Jon says softly. "I love you, and that means trusting you. It means trusting you can handle it when I'm upset, and that you'll figure out how to handle yourself in the field--and that if you can't, if you fail, that it doesn't mean you always will. Because you're right... there have been so many times you were fine, it's not fair of me to only focus on the times you weren't."

    He sighs. "And... I made choices, too. I made a choice, at that chasm, to prioritize you over everyone else in that room. I think it's bothering me more than I'll let myself admit. But that's on me to work through and figure out."

    They reach down to place a hand over hers. "You're strong enough. You're good enough. Always. Okay? Always. It's okay that you hurt, and you're scared, and that you fail sometimes. I've failed... so much. But you trust me. You trust me, and I..."

    They swallow. "I failed you, Cael. You trusted me, and I failed you. I should have saved you. I'm so sorry." They lift the hand at Cael's chest, to touch her cheek gently. "Do /you/ still trust /me/, after I failed you? I picked up the gem and I couldn't heal you and... and I'm sorry." They sniffle, and then lean down for a kiss, as if to clear all that away.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I will always trust you," Cael promises, returning the kiss, even as tears keep streaking down her cheeks. When they part, she doesn't go back to hiding her face by pressing the top of her head to Jon's chest - instead, she rests her cheek against them, letting the tears slow and stop little by little.
    "I'm just so tired of hurting. But... the only thing for it is straight ahead, yeah? Keep trying. Keep fighting. It's- it's going to get better."
    After a deep breath in, and a shakey release she adds, "But if you, or Sara, or Rien ever think I'm not ready to go in the field... you need to tell me. Yeah? I don't want to endanger the team, or the job."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon just stays there for a moment, quiet. Listening, and being there. Hurting, but letting it hurt.

    "The only way out is through," they agree softly after a moment. "It may be dark now, but the sun will rise again. And of course I'll tell you, love. Though Rien or Sara might be better."

    A pause. "Look, I... I'm going to need to spend some time with Martin before he goes, but after... Agnes is old enough to home alone for a bit in the evenings. Let's go to roller derby again, or go see a movie, or... I don't know. Fun things. Dates. Or we can bring Agnes, if we like. Let's live, and use the time we were given. Yeah?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I'd like that," Cael agrees. "And you should- spend time with Martin. So I'll, ummm- I'll wake Bear, and take him home to the Trisk."
    She pulls away enough to look at Jon's features, and then adds - almost hesitantly, with something questioning in her gaze, "I'm not afraid to live."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon smiles. "I know you're not, love. I didn't mean it like that. I meant that... I'm afraid not facing your fears will hold you back from life. But just because I'm afraid of that doesn't mean I'm right."

    They lean down to cup Cael's face in their hands again, turn it up to kiss her, slowly, lingering, like they're trying to wash away all the tension and pain of the conversation. When they pull back, they look down at her with a slightly furrowed brow.

    "I love you. No matter what. And I trust you. Okay?"

    Then they start to pull away, to go tell Martin it's okay to come out of the bedroom.