11255/Reasonable People Talk

Reasonable People Talk
Date of Scene:	19 May 2022
Location:	Jon's Apartment, Chelsea
Synopsis:	Jon and Cael discuss their fight on patrol like reasonable adults and come to a better understanding. In the end Cael needs some space.
Cast of Characters:	Jonathan Sims, Cael Becker

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Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon had promised Cael that he'd record over Javier's death "first thing in the morning" but it winds up being a little while after "first thing" that he sits down with the microcasette recorder to do so. He has to get Agnes off to school, and get some food and coffee, that sort of thing. But finally he's sitting in his living room, mid-morning sunlight streaming through the floor-to-ceiling windows, holding the recorder and fast-forwarding through to find the right place.

    He frowns as he goes past where the statement ends. He really ought to keep Javier's "second chance" on tape, and the statement had ended by then. Contrary to what Cael said, the recordings aren't /just/ about statements. So further on, through the second chance and the denial, and... and it's going to seem really strange to just turn it off right before the death, but...

    Jon pauses the recorder and frowns, sitting there on the couch, staring across the room at a blank wall. He tries to feel out the nature of the hesitation. Is it the Archivist? Is it Ma'at? Is it just him? A little of all three? Finally he tosses the recorder on the table in frustration and gets up to walk over to the window, turning the latch to open one of them and let in some of the morning air.

Cael Becker has posed:
    Making herself scarce while Jon is getting Agnes ready for the morning is pretty much par for the course for Cael - though she'd never really offered any reasoning or explination for it. Usually she just said something about needing a workout, or Bear needing a walk, or the like.
    Today, she'd headed to the building's gym, getting in a morning run without having to venture outside. If the Alhambras were still tracking her - and she had to assume that they were - setting foot out the front door of Jon's apartment was too big a risk to take. It wouldn't be hard to guess she'd spend time at 'the Archivist's' apartment.
    As she re-enters the apartment, her hair's still damp from the shower she'd taken after her run, and she drops her back to crouch down and greet both Bear and Lady. "Hey. Being good pups? Yeah? Driving Jon nuts with your squeaky toys? Good doggies." She uses one hand each to scratch at the pups' shoulders, before going to stand in the breeze from the open window. "Weather's nice out there today," she remarks casually.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon doesn't flinch or jump at Cael's statement; he's aware of her entering the apartment before she even gets to the living room. He just stands there staring out the window for a moment without responding, glowering a bit.

    "Yeah," he finally says. "It's nice. It's one of the reasons we took the place; windows that actually work. Do you know how rare that is in New York high rises?" He shakes his head, and sighs.

    A glance over at the recorder, a slightly guilty frown. "I'm... I was trying to do what I promised. Record over the end of the tape. It's... harder than I thought it'd be." His tone sounds apologetic, but also a tad defensive.

Cael Becker has posed:
    There's a moment of hesitation before Cael reaches out with one hand, placing it on Jon's elbow - a wordless request to twine her arm with theirs if they want, while she studies Jon's face in profile.
    "Oh?" she asks - her voice quiet, a mix of concern and puzzled incomprehension on her features. "How so?" Her tone, and indeed her entire posture seems somehow... subdued or possibly even cautious, after their disagreement the evening before, as if she's waiting for another shoe to drop at any moment.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I can't seem to..." Jon reaches up to scrub a hand through his hair, even while he lets Cael take the other arm. "Something feels... off. I don't know. I'm trying to figure out... is it just the compulsion to record things? I... have that, sometimes, this weird desire to pull out the recorder and get /everything/ on tape." He shakes his head. "Is it Ma'at, wanting it there on tape? Or is it just... me?"

    He turns to frown at the table. "I'd hate to just... die and leave nothing behind. No record, no body, no one to know what happened. It's just..." He sighs. "I'm trying, Cael. I am. I'm trying to... push past this."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "But you're not leaving //no record,//" Cael answers quietly, giving Jon's arm a gentle squeeze. She smirks with mild amusement as she adds, "I could record over that part with silence for you - so you can record over it with the information." There's a faint, teasing lilt to her expression and her tone, before she grows serious once more.
    "I'm trying to understand, I really am. I just-" Just what? Not sure what to say, she rests her forehead against Jon's shoulder, letting her eyes fall closed.
    After a moment of quiet she adds, "It's your recording - and I can't make you do anything to it you don't want to do." No matter how much she might hate that piece of tape.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "But it upset you," Jon replies, staring out the window. "It upset you so much that..." He stiffens a little, but doesn't pull away.

    "It hurt," he admits quietly, after a moment. "The whole... conversation, it... hurt. It felt like you just... I don't know, I know you didn't deliberately bring it up on patrol to avoid facing me about it directly but it /felt/ that way. I told you how much I'm struggling with all of this, how much I feel like a monster. Sara came at me yelling at me about Witchblade wanting to /kill/ me for going after Javier, and you keep going between trying to make excuses for him and telling me I'm cute to be angry about it, and I just..."

    He swallows. "This is /hard/ for me, Cael. What I am, it's... I've seen people go down this road before. Being able to kill 'weird' threats without repercussions. I'm /terrified/ of what I'm becoming, and I'm trying to... to figure it all out. And... and you... what, thought I kept the recording for my own satisfaction or something?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "It hurt me. It still hurts me - but I can't make you do anything you don't want to do," Cael repeats softly, her forehead still resting on Jon's shoulder. All of these things can be, and //are// true at the same time.
    She listens to rest of Jon's words, tension stiffening her back and shoulders as they speak, and pain making an uneasy knot in her throat. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I- was upset and I didn't handle things right. I'm sorry," she answers, without moving from her position.
    "I don't think you're a monster. If I was worried about something like that- do you think I'd keep it to myself?" she asks - forcing a hint of wry humor into her tone. "And no. That's- not why I thought you made it, or kept it, but- it's- I don't like it. I hate that it exists. But it's not mine..."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Then why'd you call it--" Jon stops, and shakes his head. Fighting about it isn't going to get them anywhere. He sighs. "It's not yours, but it bothers you, and you keep letting me /know/ that it bothers you. Even once I explained my reasoning, you kept pushing. So what am I supposed to think? You want it recorded over. You've made that very, very clear."

    He pulls away, a bit, enough to turn and look at her. "And it's frustrating. I don't tell you how to do your job with the FBI, even though--and I'll just be frank--I hate that you work for them. I hate that Sara works for the NYPD. I hate that you both don't see what I see, but then, I can't entirely blame you because you don't know /why/ I hate it. But it's not my job and it's not my business how you file reports, or don't, or whatever, so long as you're not mistreating suspects or anything."

    He sighs. "And if I thought you were, I'd say something. And I'd push, and keep pushing. So can you see why I presumed that what you were upset about was bad enough in your eyes, morally, to say that maybe you thought badly of me?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael's grip on Jon's arm loosens as they pull away, though she keeps both of her hands in contact with them. Her gaze stays turned away for a few moments, before meeting Jon's eyes - a few tears in her eyes - before she turns to look out the window and over the city. Her attention remains there as she listens to their words.
    "I have trouble finding the right words," she starts simply. "I don't think- I don't like that recording. I don't like that... //sort// of recording, and I wish you wouldn't make them, but that's not because I- I don't think you get off on it or anything. It's not a powertrip, it's not- I don't. That's just not you, and I know that, and I don't think that. I never thought that, even for a moment. But that- umm, that isn't to say that I don't think you could do things //better,// maybe. Thinking you could do things better, or differently, isn't the same as thinking badly of you. That's a logical falicy."
    Her attention goes back towards them as she adds, "I didn't mean to hurt you, Jon." Her gaze flicks over their featues before she asks, "What did the cops do to you?"
    It's a safe assumpting. A person of color who dislikes law enforcement - Jon was wrongs, or someone they care about was.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon hesitates, and then walks around to the couch, pulling Cael with him if she'll go. He sits, and waits for her to settle next to him--or not--before he says, "I told you about the cult, right? The one Elias dragged me into, the one Martin went into to try to get me out?" A glance down the hall. "The one that... created Agnes." He sighs. "And I told you they'd been... killing people."

    He rubs at the back of his neck. "I didn't know about that part, at first. I stumbled across one of the bodies and started looking into it, because I was afraid I'd be next. Of course... I didn't think it was /Elias/ doing it." He snorts, and shakes his head. "I was messed up, back then. Paranoid, probably delusional. I couldn't see what was right in front of my nose."

    They swallow. "I finally tracked down a man who had answers. He'd been on the run, hiding in tunnels, scared for his life. I took him to my house, and he told me things... things I didn't want to accept, about the way the world worked. About magic, and the gods." They shake their head. "I stepped outside to have a smoke, try to make sense of things. I left behind a pipe I'd been carrying to try to protect myself down in the tunnels. When I came back... he was dead. Head bashed in with the pipe. And my fingerprints were all over it."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael follows Jon to the couch, her hands never leaving their arm. As he starts talking about the cult, she nods in confirmation, watching their face for hints of what the words //weren't// telling her. There was so much more to know and understand that just the words being said, after all.
    As he finishes the beginning of the story, she can feel a worried knot in the pit of her stomach. "Fuck, Jon. That's- all kinds of fucked up." She believes every word of it - of course she does. She's seen what happens when Jon tries to tell even the tiniest lie.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Yeah," Jon responds with a laugh. "Yeah, it is." They sigh, and run a hand through their hair. "I ran. I mean... he was in my house, my prints were on the murder weapon, and with the color of my skin, the cops wouldn't have believed me if I'd tried to claim someone just broke in and killed him while I stepped out for five minutes. I knew even my /friends/ wouldn't believe me. I'd been so paranoid I'd been stalking one of my housemates, we'd had a huge rift... even /Martin/ briefly thought maybe I'd done it."

    He shakes his head. "I was right to run. The police officer that turned up, Daisy Tonner, she'd met me before, sniffing around the missings persons cases around the sacrifices. Got it in her head that I was 'wrong' somehow. She didn't even get the pipe printed, she was so convinced it was me. She just... went hunting for me."

    He glances over. "I never really figured out what Daisy... served. Not a god, I don't think, not really. But some kind of power drove her to hunt, to track, to judge and kill. And she was part of England's version of Sara's Special Investigations unit. Call out a 'weird' thing and they'd take over. Nobody checked on what she was doing, her partner even looked the other way. Vampires, werewolves, magic... Daisy took care of it, and if the wrong people got caught up some time, who cared? People were kept safe, right? If she hunted people for sport sometimes... who cared? It kept her stable, and happy, and /fed/. And that meant she was able to focus on the 'bad guys.'"

Cael Becker has posed:
    As Jon talks about Daisy Tonner, Cael listens - but she turns her face away, looking towards the window with a frown on her features.
    The way she was with those werewolves - the way she revels in the thrill, and the rush- she was keeping people safe, yeah? She was getting rid of the 'bad guys,' and making the world better. Wasn't she? Wasn't that what Jon, and Ma'at, had shown her?
    But how different was she from this Daisy?
    "How did it all get sorted out, in the end?" she asks uncertainly. "Is it just because you left England, or- or what?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon shakes his head. "She tracked me down. Me and another guy I was trying to get information from. She shot him right in front of me and made me help her bury the body out in the woods." He says it bluntly. "Said he was bad. That he hurt people, killed them. That he was /wrong/. Maybe he was, but there wasn't a trial, or a statement, or a second chance. She just shot him."

    He sighs. "I'm alive for two reasons. One, because she needed information from me. And two... because her partner figured out what she was doing, and that I wasn't actually at fault for the murder, and came to stop her."

    He looks down at his hands. "I've never been more terrified in my life. I've never felt more helpless." Never? Even with Michael? Even when he died? "She had me up in the air by my throat, a dull knife against my windpipe." He puts a hand to his neck. The faint scar that used to be there is long since gone, with his old body. "I would've said anything, /anything/, to get her to stop. I would've confessed to anything, if she'd promised to let me go. It was like a wolf had a rabbit in her jaws, it was..." He shudders and shakes his head.

    "I knew I was going to die. I was going to die, and nobody would know. I didn't think anyone would even /care/. She was going to bury me in the same grave she'd put that other poor bastard in. She'd made me dig my own grave, and nobody would know what happened or where I was. She could tell the police anything she wanted. She could record a whole statement, she could've gotten my confession on tape and then claimed she'd let me go and I'd attacked her or... anything she wanted. And they'd /believe/ her. Because they thought she was doing the right thing."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "You were trapped in a wooden room," Cael says quietly, looking back towards Jon to meet their eyes, when he talks about how helpless, and terrified they'd felt in that moment. There's a look of sympathy, concern, and shared pain for a moment, before she looks away again - but this time she leans in to press her arm against Jon's, while considering everything they'd said.
    "And that's part of it, isn't it? Part of why you want to record everything? Part of why you want there to be //a record// of what you do, with no break - start to... finish."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon swallows, and nods. "Because I could have made Javier say /anything/. Because I could claim anything on that recording, and all anyone has is my insistence that Ma'at will not let me lie, to trust me. Nobody should be trusting me blindly. Remember when Michael was getting his fingers in my dreams? What if I'd never told anyone? What if he'd gotten to me, and I'd turned? I can hide things, Cael. I can say a thing that's true, and let someone infer another meaning. I am not /perfect/."

    He leans into her a bit. "Daisy and I became friends, later. She and Basira came to confront Elias about the cult, and he blackmailed them both into the whole business, and one way and another I wound up saving her life. She was... trying to get away from whatever she served. Starving herself, not hunting anything. She used to sit with me while I was studying, just to be near someone, because she'd been stuck in some kind of hell dimension for months until I got her out. She died, helping me and Martin and Alya get away from Elias."

    A sigh. "But I never forgave her. I still... I still don't know if I can, to this day. I think about it sometimes. Forgiving her. And I just remember... she /chose/ what she was. She /chose/ to kill people, hunt people, abuse her power. When she started slipping, she didn't ask anyone to look over what she was doing. She just gave in. Does it matter, that she tried to change? I think it does, but I still can't forgive her."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael lapses into a long silence as Jon finishes speaking, still leaning into their arm, with her gaze staring out at the window. Should she point out that there's a million ways people can claim that his recordings prove nothing? Especially when he can //compell// people with his mind? If people don't believe he can't lie - why would they believe he can only compell true confessions? Should she still get him to try to change his recordings? Should she point out how much shit he gives her about Chas - when she's actively trying to fix things - when he still can't forgive this woman?
    Does she mention how easily she could see herself being tempted into a similar path, if she thought it was for the greated good? Was she already on that path? What about all those werewolves they just killed? They'd been people. Were still people? ...could they have been cured?
    A few tears streak down her cheeks as she asks in a whisper, "Will you change this one for me? Or do you need me to leave it alone?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon takes in a slow, deep breath. Lets it out. "Just this one? Because... it's someone you knew? Because it was done /for/ you?" A pause. "I... I can try to do that, for you. But I can't promise I won't record future ones. I can't promise..."

    He closes his eyes, for a moment, and when he opens them again they look haunted. "I'm so afraid I'm going to become her. I can't decide if killing them myself makes it more or less likely. And it's just... some of what I do, Cael, it's not going to work the way you want it to. My justice, it isn't dispassionate. It's... angry and righteous. But it /is/ justice. Javier Hernandez was not as helpless as you or I were. He had a chance. If he'd taken it, shown the /slightest/ hint of remorse, Ma'at would have let him go. She might have compelled him to turn himself in, but she wouldn't have killed him."

    He sighs. "That's the difference. That's what I keep telling myself. I made /sure/ he was guilty. I gave him another chance. All it would've taken would be the flicker of willingness to change. That's why the recording goes on after the statement ends, Cael. Because it's not /just/ the statement. It's that he refused his chance. It's the pain he was in. It's the proof of what I did to him, so far as I can /have/ proof. Because I did that. I made that choice. And I did not do it lightly, or easily, but I did it for the exact same reason you give for killing in the heat of battle. And I just..."

    He frowns. "If everyone around me thought I did the wrong thing, maybe I did the wrong thing, you know? But it felt right. It still does. He /deserved/ what he got."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "It isn't about deserving or not," Cael answers. "At least, not to me. //That// feels like a dangerous path to me. Deciding what sort of 'punishment' people 'deserve' for their actions - on our own. Or even with some... God to back it up. What right do //Gods// have to that decision? This is a human world. No, it isn't about deserving. It's about- he's dangerous. He'd do it again, he'd cause more pain, hurt more people so badly that... they become dangerous too. He can't- couldn't... be allowed to continue in society. To me... //that's// what it needs to be about. And that's why the pain is so unnecessary.
    "Do you think I'm wrong?" she asks, turning her head towards Jon again, her expression solemn, and tinged with pain. "Because... it's not my job. It's not my role, so maybe I should just shut the fuck up about all of it, maybe I just- don't really understand any of this even half as well as I think." A few tears roll down her cheeks befoe she adds, "But- if I'm concerned, if I don't say what I'm thinking, if I just- just stand by and say nothing then- //that's// a betrayal. Isn't it? I mean, if I don't say anything then- who will? Or can? Right?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon looks down at Cael for a long moment, then says, "Yes, actually, I do. I think you're wrong. Cael, do you know that the statue of Lady Justice is based, originally, on Ma'at? Those scales she holds? Those are the scales of Anubis, originally. Oh, it's technically Justitia or Dike, but Ma'at was around before either of them. Same general idea regardless. The personification of justice and truth."

    He keeps looking at her. "The human world has gods, Cael. The human world has /always/ had gods. The gods are not somehow separate from our world--they /created/ our world. Some of them walk among us, some humans become gods. I am, myself, now sharing the body of a god. How can you act like there's some clear, brightly-defined split when I'm only alive because I merged with a goddess? Most people in the world believe in some kind of god, whether or not they /know/ one exists. Most people in the world base their moral judgements on their religions. That /is/ the human world, like it or not."

    He sighs. "It's not that I don't want to hear your questions or concerns--I /do/. It's that I wish you'd actually stop and /listen/ to what I'm saying. Put your own thinking aside, your own problems and fears, and /really/ listen to what it's about for /me/. And maybe, after all that, you still think I'm making a mistake--go ahead and say so. But at some point I'm compromising what /I/ believe is right because you won't stop insisting that /you're/ right."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael's gaze goes back to the window once more, her weight shifting on the couch, as if in discomfort. When she settles into place again, she's leaning more into the back of the couch than she is towards Jon - though she hasn't broken off contact entirely.
    Though that urge she gets, sometimes, to run has reasserted itself along with an anxious, painful lump in her chest. "I am listening," she answers. "I'm trying to. I-" What else can she say? Nothing springs to mind, so she simply shakes her head wordlessly, lifting one hand to wipe at her eyes.
    Bear, who'd stopped playing with Lady a while ago to watch the pair finally pads his way over - sitting in front of Cael so he can shove his head into her lap, tail thumping a few time on the floor hopefully.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon takes a long breath in, and then out. "What I do, it's not about society. That's /human/ justice, because that's what human justice /has/ to be about. Because human judges and juries cannot know what will truly bring balance to a soul. And that's... good, and fair, and right, and I considered letting him go to that. But what I do, Cael, it's not about anyone 'paying a debt to society.' It's about balance. It's..."

    He considers for a moment. "I am listening to what you're saying, because I need to make sure I'm doing things right. What I'm doing, it's about Javier as much as anything else. It's about justice paid for what he's done to others, and about his soul coming back into balance. Some of what I did, telling him you were still alive? That was important, for that. Yes, it hurt him, it twisted the knife, but it /mattered/ that he knew that he'd failed. He will carry that knowledge to the afterlife, and hopefully it will teach him something."

    He sighs. "Maybe I should not have called on Sekhmet. I wanted him to feel what his victims felt, to understand it /truly/, because then maybe he won't make the same mistakes again in a future life. But maybe that was wrong. If it was, well, what should I do instead? I'm trying to figure that out."

    He sighs. "So I'm listening. I am. I'm considering what you're saying. I don't want you to /not/ tell me about how you feel. But blindsiding me with it on a patrol, accusing me of making 'snuff,' telling me it's wrong over and over and over... Cael, you weren't just telling me you thought I could do things better, or differently. You were /hammering/ at me about it. Over and over, telling me how /wrong/ it felt. Even as I was explaining my decisions, my reasoning, you kept telling me it was wrong, how everything I thought and believed was wrong. You didn't sit down with me quietly and approach it gently, you threw an accusation at me and then kept hammering the point. Can you see why I got defensive? Why I felt like you don't trust me, like you think I've made some horrible mistake? Because I explained myself, and explained, and I'm /still/ explaining, and you're pulling away and telling me that it's wrong. Still. So what am I supposed to think, except that you think /I'm/ wrong, because I feel like what I did was justified?"

    He shakes his head. "You don't have to agree with me. You don't have to support what I'm doing. I'm just explaining why it hurt, because if you believe I made the wrong choice in how to carry out that judgement... then you believe that some of my /fundamental/ beliefs are wrong, Cael. Do you see?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I did it wrong," Cael admits without looking at Jon. Both of her hands are on Bear now, stroking the dog, and scratching at his fur. "I //shouldn't// have brought it up on patrol. I shouldn't have done it like that. I didn't really understand why- I didn't know about Daisy, so I didn't understand, and I must have hurt you. Badly. And I didn't mean to. I didn't. I'm sorry." Her hand reaches up to wipe at her eyes before she adds, "But you say that I- that I don't listen, that I don't- I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to understand, I really am, but you don't just- tell me everything. You don't explain everything. This is the first I've heard about Daisy, and- I think it's the first I've heard about it- it being about the soul's... journey? I thought- I thought they got scrubbed clean, and started over. So how should- why would any of this... matter?
    "So- I don't know. Maybe I should ask more questions before I- but I don't //know// what I don't know, Jon." Her voice rises from a near whisper to a more accusatory pitch. "I didn't mean to hurt you. But I heard... bothered me. And... I'm trying. And you //told me// - you told me that- that I tell you things, and then- you- you realize I was right and so, I was- I was just trying to..." She shakes her head uncertainly, keeping her gaze turned towards the window, the back of her shoulder angled towards Jon, while Bear nuzzles at her chest.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon shakes his head. "They don't get scrubbed clean, so far as I know. That's what something like Hell is for, paying penance--or the Field of Reeds, getting paid. It's for re-balancing the soul back to a proper state to be reborn, so far as I know. Some people, like Buddhists or Hindus, probably just go right back into the cycle."

    He sighs, and leans forward to wrap his arms around her. "Okay, first rule: no personal talk on missions. Probably for the best anyway. Second rule: always tell me if you think I'm wrong. I want to know. I /do/."

    He sighs, and closes his eyes. "Part of what I'm trying to say is that maybe one of my fundamental beliefs is wrong, Cael. Part of what I'm trying to say is that... Ma'at even came out to talk to you. So maybe you're right. Maybe we don't punish more than we have to, before we send them on. Maybe we judge them, give them another chance, and then kill them, and that's that."

    They frown. "So then... if I was wrong to ask Sekhmet to kill him... do I keep a record of it to show why we don't do that anymore? Or do I record over it, and add another recording explaining what happened? So future Archivists will know? And I know where you lean, and the recording's existence hurts you, and... and Cael, I would deny everything I believe to keep from hurting you."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "But what if it's just about rewards and punishment - because humans think that's necessary? Because humans think the threat of hell is the only way to get people to behave?" Cael counters. "How do you know they aren't just scrubbed clean?" She's stiff in Jon's arms at first - but little by little she begins to relax, leaning back into their presence again.
    She doesn't answer immediately - but eventually, her head is leaning back against Jon's chest, while her fingers still scratch through Bears white, shaggy fur. "Does it hurt me more to leave it, or does it hurt you more to change it?" she finally asks in a wry tone. "And how do we decide which is true? I don't want to hurt you either, you know. I really don't. I only ever - I mean the best for you. I- I want you to be the best you can be, because I know that's what you want, too."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon sighs. "Cael. I am literally merged with a goddess who is /deeply/ involved in all of this apparatus. I /died/. And, look, people go around going 'oh I died'--I went past the point Alis did. For the king, that happens /before/ the Hall of Judgement. I had my connections to the world scoured away, I was prepared to stay down there, and I was still /me/. I went through the point where the soul would be scrubbed clean and was not scrubbed clean, okay? I /know/. Please, just trust me on this?"

    He shakes his head. "This isn't a hypothetical up for theological debate, Cael. This is real stuff that we've faced and been through. That's another part of what I'm trying to explain. I'm not imposing some potentially made up set of beliefs onto other people--my gods are /real/ and tangible. Are they /right/? Not necessarily. But I'm not doing this for self-aggrandizement. There is a purpose to the process."

    Jon reaches down to run his fingers through Cael's hair. "Knowing it exists would nag at you and hurt you, wouldn't it? And maybe get between us. I don't want that. I'm working myself up to... to doing it. Recording over it."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I never said it was for self-aggrandizement, Jon," Cael counters - before turning to look back at them, her expression serious and pointed.
    "You were prepared for the afterlife. You were prepared for your role as Osirus. You weren't prepared for //rebirth//. You remembered who you were, who I was, who Martin was, and Alya, and Agnes. You remembered Martin's tea. How can you say there isn't more that happens to the soul - as it leaves the afterlife and- and goes back into the cycle? How can you //know// that?" She holds his gaze for a while, before turning to tuck herself in against him once more.
    "Thank you," she adds in a more subdued voice. "I'm- sorry it's so painful for you. I really am." After a momentary pause she adds, "I really can- I'll erase that part for you myself, if it makes it easier. If you prefer. Just- just the scream."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "There is, but Cael, a soul is literally a recorder of experiences. That's... what a soul /is/. A piece of God, a piece of the universe, experiencing life and trying to make sense of it. Those experiences don't go away. They fade, sometimes we have to re-learn the lessons, but... when you ultimately go back to the cycle some part of you and what you've learned will remain. Just like some part of whoever you were before this life remains in you. That's the /point/ of it all."

    Jon frowns. "Think of it like... you're not Shelley Mason anymore, but the things she experienced, they still affect you. And some part of Shelley lives on in Cael. It's not /quite/ the same, you remember everything clearly, but it's similar. And I know because it's part of my job. Because everything that lives has to be judged and sent back, eventually. Nothing escapes death."

    He sighs. "Maybe... maybe that'd be for the best, yeah. Then I'll /have/ to re-record over it, and it won't be going against my own nature quite so much."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Another of those silences follow - where Cael is clearly thinking, and digesting what Jon's said - turning it over in her mind as if looking for holes to prod through it. In the end, though, all she says is, "Okay."
    Tilting her head back to look up at Jon, she falls into a more brief moment of quiet before adding, "I am sorry I hurt you, you know."
    And then with barely a pause, "You're really worried you'll turn out like that woman you talked about? 'cuz- I- when you described her, I- worried I would. The way I enjoy a fight, and- I mean- I never even thought to stop and ask- can those werewolves be helped? Can we cure them? Did I- ...murder //people// last night?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I don't know if we can cure them," Jon says softly. "But that's why I was trying not to kill them if I could help it. But... well... obviously it was kill or be killed, given what they did to Marc." He sighs. "I try not to presume anything that is or was human is beyond hope unless they're obviously so. I mean, we know vampires who don't kill people, you know?"

    A hesitation, and then, "Daisy wasn't... she did /try/ to change, and that counts for a lot. She didn't have the unerring moral compass that you do. If you got whatever power it was that she had, you'd probably tell it to fuck off--and if you couldn't, you'd insist on chasing down the /right/ people. It's good to be careful, though, to question yourself, but at some point you make decisions and live with the consequences."

    He frowns. "I've worried I'd give in to whatever power I suddenly had. Let it control me, change me. It felt /right/, hunting Javier down. Right, and just. Killing him, once he'd given up a chance to change, that felt right too, in a way I can't describe. Like fulfilling what I'm meant for. And that's a little frightening, you know?"

    He's quiet for a long moment. Then he says, "I know you're sorry. I know you didn't mean to hurt me."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael lets out a huff of air, and shakes her head - almost disbelieving. An unerring moral compass? "I drove- I //knowinngly// drove during a drive by shooting, Jon. And if they'd - if they'd told me they'd figured out who the shooter was that killed Alis? If they told me that- as her sister, I had to avenge her? I would have done it. I don't think you get- I don't think you understand how easily I could have turned out... more like Javier. I don't think you get how lucky I was, how close a call it really was." She takes a deep breath in, and letting it out slowly before adding, "I can't let my guard down, because I think it'd be all too easy for me to- take a wrong turn."
    She reaches up with one hand to put it at the back of Jon's head, pulling him in towards her as she adds in a quieter voice, "Hunting him down was right. He... was a monster."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "They killed your sister, Cael. How would avenging her not be right, on some level? Maybe not /legal/, but /right/." Jon regards Cael quietly. "You're not what you think you are. You told me the same, and I gave up my daughter to save Martin's life. I was paranoid and stalked my friends. I chose to be better. To do better."

    He sighs. "Cael... that's what it is. That's what it /all/ is. It's /choices/. And there's always the chance for someone to change the path, to make new choices. That's why I try not to kill people unless it really does seem like the last resort. Because then there are no more choices, for that life."

    He frowns at her. "But you are not some evil person one bad choice away from a life of crime. You're a good woman, who made mistakes. You've atoned for what you did. You've changed. Even if you didn't have that moral compass back then? You do /now/. You stood there and told both the avatar of a goddess and that goddess herself that the suffering of the man who killed you was /wrong/, and to figure out a better way. How can you say you're anything like Javier?"

    A pause, and then he adds, "I think if you'd stayed in that life, you'd have done illegal things. Maybe /wrong/ things. You might have killed people because you thought it was the right way to protect your 'family.' But reveling in killing people? Raping people, abusing them? No, Cael. I don't think you could /ever/ have turned out like Javier. Not like that. And even if you could? You didn't. You /chose/ to get out of that life. And you choose to offer that help to other people, to help them. Whoever or whatever Shelley Mason was, Cael Becker is a good woman, and my girlfriend, and I won't listen to this slander about her any longer."

    He grins down at her for a moment and then leans down to give her an upside-down kiss.

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael's breath grows shaky, and a few tears streak down her cheeks, even as she returns the kiss. For just a moment, she gives Jon a tremulous smile, before it fades. It's like she's unsure if she should smile, or just break into sobs. In the end what she offers is, "Yeah, well... you're biased." And after another brief, emotionally wraught smile she adds, "And I say your- your reluctance to kill is more admirable than you give yourself credit for. You're a good person too, Jon. You are."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I try," Jon says wryly. He kisses Cael on the forehead, and then says, softly, "Go on and cry, love. It's okay."

    He pulls her in as close as she'll allow, and asks, "Is that what's behind all this? That you think 'oh that could be me?' That you worry about how you might have turned out?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Probably a little?" Cael admits, tears streaking down her cheeks. "I could have, Jon. Maybe not exactly the same but- I think I, uh- I would have been a pretty good criminal." She smiles with wry humor for a moment, though there's still tears welling up in her eyes.
    "And because- I just- I still remember him as a kid. //That's// how I knew him. //That's// how I remember him. And I- I mean, he was- I don't think Juan would have let him turn out like //that,// but he was alone, and- I don't know. I just- I wish there'd been a way to get that little Javi back, and give him a chance to... make different choices. But I know that's dumb."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Ma'at doesn't judge people according to whether or not they're merely /criminals/, Cael. Plenty of things are criminalized that should not be. Ma'at wouldn't judge your for smoking pot, say, or stealing food if you were starving." Jon shakes his head, stroking her hair.

    "And Cael... everyone was a child once. Everyone. Some children can be cruel, sure--but you don't /know/ that Juan's presence would have helped. He was already marked to be a drug runner. He was trying to get a position to impress you and Alis, to get with one of you, he didn't entirely care which. Would Juan have helped turn him away from the path he wound up on? Maybe. But you don't know for sure."

    He takes in a long, slow breath, and lets it out. "But whatever he could have been, he wasn't /that/ anymore. If you should be judged on what you are now, on how you overcame the life you had, then so should he. He didn't make the best of a bad situation, he didn't do what he had to get by. He /embraced/ being awful. He killed /children/, Cael. He made young girls peddle themselves on the street. The why of it doesn't really matter--what matters is that at every opportunity he had, he chose the way of spite and pain and craving for power."

    They shake their head. "I grieve for the child he used to be, but that child was dead long before I tracked Javier down. Dead by Javier's own hand, by his own choices. He is not you, and you are not him. Taking responsibility for your actions is one thing, but /he/ has to take responsibility for /his/ as well."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I //know,// that, Jon. I //know// all that," Cael answers - a little heat creeping into her voice. "Now you're the one harping on about the same point - again and again. You made your point, and I've //accepted// it. And I've said that- he was a monster. That killing him wasn't wrong. So why do you keep-?" She starts to straighten out of Jon's arms - running a hand through her hair in frustration.
    "It's like you- want me to forget the kid completely. Well... I can't. //That's// the Javi I knew best. You only knew Javier. That's all you can see. And he killed me so- of course you just hate him, but- I- well. What if you didn't see Phoebe for ten years, and you find her again, and she's become something... awful. Would you forget the girl you knew as easy as all that?" she asks bluntly. "'Well, she made her choices, and now she's dead, and she deserved it, and I don't bear any blame for what she became - the choices were all hers to make.' Would it be that easy for you? Because that's... that's what I'm dealing with. And it's h-hard," she says, her voice cracking for a moment, "and it hurts. Could you listen to Phoebe scream on a tape and not- picture the girl she was?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "It's not--" Jon pauses, trying to find the right words.

    "It hurts that you compare yourself to him. That's all. It hurts that you think... that you think you /ever/ could have become anything like that. Like a monster. It makes me angry, on your behalf. The same way I can feel your frustration when I call myself a monster. I'm sorry. Alright?" He sighs, and reaches out, expression apologetic, to try to pull her back.

    "Here. Let's... here. Tell me about Javi. Okay? Tell me about..." A pause. "You could give me a statement about him, and then I'd /see/. And then I'd /know/. But if you don't want to do that? Just tell me. Tell me about the boy you're grieving."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael let's Jon pull her back in by slow degrees - reaching up to wipe at her eyes as she begins to relax against him again. She doesn't answer immediately - and she doesn't offer to make a statement, not this time. Not with this much pain and strife lingering in the air. Eventually she does speak, though, her voice quiet.
    "He wanted to go to one of my races so badly that- that he snuck into the trunk of the car I was driving. We didn't find him there until Alis opened up the trunk to get out her toolkit before the race - and there he was, grinning like the cat who ate the," definitely not clotted, "cream. Juan cuffed him in the ear and took him home and missed the whole race." She pauses a beat then adds, "It was a good race, too. Barely squeaked out a win that time.
    "I remember - the next morning, he splurged and got me and Alis a carton of mint chip ice cream to celebrate. And we sat together, having hot chocolate with mint chip ice cream stirred in, while babbled on about the car he was going to get when he was old enough...." She takes a deep breath in, and let it out slowly before adding, "And I remember him defending Alis when some of the guys were talking shit about having an asian girl around. Thumped a kid almost twice his size over it, and paid the price, too - and never complained."
    She smiles a bit tightly as she adds, "And if Alis needed a part... I mean, he walked in with it more than once - not sure how he got it probably stole it. But he wasn't- he wasn't all bad. He'd do anything for his brother, and he always stood up for Alis and me, and he was just... such a twerp, always hanging around. Trying to learn about car engines from Alis, and- I mean, honestly, he drove us nuts sometimes. But thats just- that's how family is, yeah? ...I mean. I thought they were all my family. At the time."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon runs his fingers through Cael's hair. "Maybe you're right," he murmurs. "Maybe... maybe he would've turned out better, with guidance. But where was the rest of that family, hmm? Shouldn't /they/ have stepped up?" He shakes his head. Blame enough to go around.

    "I'm sorry I had to kill him. I'm sorry... I'm sorry. For all of it. I wish it didn't hurt you so much. I wish I didn't hate him. I wish I didn't hate him /more/ for betraying that kid you used to know. I wish I /could/ take you back in time and give you a chance to hold out your hand and say 'Javi you can make better choices.' I do. I just..."

    He closes his eyes, and lets tears fall, and holds in whatever he was going to say. Takes a deep breath. Lets it out. "How... how can I help? Besides recording over the tape."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Let me be sad?" Cael practically begs, a few more tears streaking down her cheeks. "Just let me be sad for the boy that killed me, without- without trying to make me feel like it's... wrong to feel that way. You know I'll be okay, you know it won't last forever. I just... I need to be sad for Javi for a bit."
    She's silent a moment before adding in a quieter voice, "And stop holding Chas over me. Before... before it becomes a bigger wedge than it already is. I'm trying. More for you, than for anything else. I'm trying, and you keep- making me feel like it isn't good enough, when I can't- How am I supposed to do better than my best, Jon?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I'm sorry, about Chas. I shouldn't have brought that up, last night. It's just--"

    Jon hesitates, then bursts out, "He /killed/ you, Cael. He killed you, and I had to hold you in my arms and think you were /gone/. And... and every time we talk about this, I go back there. I see it again. I feel it again. And I thought you wanted me to... I don't know, feel /sorry/ for the man that killed you. Not the boy he used to be, but the man he is /now/. And I can't, alright? If I didn't see Phoebe for ten years and she showed up and shot you and I thought you were dead I'd hate her too, even if I /did/ feel bad, and grieve what she'd been."

    He sighs, and leans his head back on the back of the couch. "It's not right to bring Chas into it. I was hurting, and I lashed out. I'm sorry. But you want me to comfort you, and believe that he wasn't always bad, and record over his death, and questioning how I killed him and... and he killed you. And I'm trying. And it's okay to be sad, I just... gods, I don't know. I'm sorry."

    He squeezes his eyes shut. "I'm sorry."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "You can hate Javier," Cael assures Jon. "He was pretty fucking awful, and he wronged us. He hurt you. He... took Alis from me - again." A few more tears sneak out her eyes, and her fingers go to where she'd put the image of the broken wrench at her throat. "It's okay to hate Javier, and you don't need to feel sorry for him. I just... I need you to understand that it's more complicated than that for me. Yeah?" she asks, tilting her head to look into Jon's eyes, hoping (desperately) that they finally understand one another.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I understand. I do. I just... I've been feeling like... he took you away, and then by some miracle I got you back, and... and then my choices about all of this were going to take you away again anyway. And I can't--I can't--I was angry, and hurting. I'm sorry. I don't... I'm not as... as soon as I said it I knew it was wrong, and I won't bring it up again, I just..."

    If Jon could manage to curl into a ball and still hold Cael, he would. As it is, he crumples in on himself a little, at least, pulling her in closer. "I'm sorry. You can be sad. It's... it's okay. I just don't... I don't know where to... to put all of this, because my girlfriend died and I c-can't talk to my best friend about it because... because you hurt each other. But that's not your fault. It's not."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I'm not going anywhere," Cael promises Jon quietly. She turns in towards Jon, so they can hold each other more properly - at which point Bear flumps down at the ground at her feet. "If I walk away - it's just- it'll be just to cool down for a while. Yeah? Like I do," she points out with a wry smile.
    She lapses into a momentary thoughtful silence before offering, "You could talk to Sara? It might - uhh... Be good for //both// of you," she points out with a wry smile.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I did talk to Sara," Jon says. "And mostly it was about how angry Witchblade was, and Sara..."

    They sigh, finally opening their eyes. "Sara wants to /fix/ it. I'm not ready for it to be fixed yet. She wants me to forgive myself for fucking up, right away--but if I'd done that, I wouldn't have asked Uriel to teach me to heal first thing, and Marc would be dead right now. I don't need fixing or comfort yet... I need someone who'll sit and drink a pint with me and listen and slap me on the back and go 'that's rough, mate,' and not try to fix the damn problem unless it's fixable."

    They sniffle. "It's not just on you that I feel like I can't talk to Chas about this. He gets this kicked puppy look in his eyes whenever you come up, and I should probably badger him to buck up and get over the guilt, but he's /Catholic/, so think how guilty /I/ feel about everything but twice as bad." They shake their head. "If it was literally anything or anyone else I'd feel okay talking to him, but it's you, so I... balk. I figure you don't want me telling him about it, and I'm afraid even if you were okay he'd just sit there feeling guilty the whole damn time."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "She likes to fix things," Cael agrees quietly, seeing Jon's point - and simply falling silent for a long time in thought. When she finally speaks, she gives Jon a little squeeze and remarks, "If you wanted to talk to him about it, it's okay. It doesn't bother me. But I get it if you don't want to." After a deep breath in, and a shakey breath out she adds, "I hope you find someone to talk to."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon furrows his brow for a moment, considering. Cael's... perfectly fine right now, while he's talking about Chas. Not tensing up or angry or--

    "Cael," he says slowly, "you... you don't actually..." He clears his throat. "So. I have been assuming that this is one of those... 'girlfriend can't stand her boyfriend's best mate' things. Which... you have more reason than most people would, in that situation! But. Ahh. I mean, I'd kind of presumed you... dislike Chas. You know. Actively. And would rather I wasn't his friend, but you're putting up with it for my sake. Is that... untrue?"

    He sounds... embarassed. Very, very embarassed.

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael pulls back a little to look at Jon, her brow wrinkling in puzzlement at his question. "I don't fuckin' //know// Chas, Jon. Not really. I don't- I don't really like him, or dislike him. I- I'm understandably pissed at him for being such a fuck up and starting the whole angel thing, but- that's not the same as disliking him."
    She takes a deep breath in, and lets it out before confirming, "I am trying to put up with him for your sake, because it seems to important to you. But it's not about liking or disliking him. It's about- Looking at him without-" She swallows hard, and her hands abruptly grip at Jon tightly for contact, and reassurance. "without remembering what- what it felt like to be held in the air with- with Michael forcing himself into my... mind." She blinks away a few more tears, still holding to Jon tightly as she desperately reminds herself that she's safe at home with Jon and her memories can't hurt her anymore. They can't.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Hey, hey, it's okay. I didn't..." Jon reaches around to grip Cael's arms in return. "Okay. Okay. Hey, look at me. Breathe. It's okay. You're not there. You're not. He can't hurt you. The being that did that to you is /dead/. Okay?" A pause, and then, "Maybe we should send Lady Death a fruit basket for that, huh?"

    He takes a deep breath himself and lets it out in a shaky laugh, then leans forward to press his forehead to Cael's. "I'm an idiot. I'm a stupid, fool idiot, and you are allowed to tell me so every day for the whole next month. I... I don't know, I'd got it in my head that you hated Chas--not just that you were triggered by him but that you /hated/ him. Or at least disliked him. I wish I knew how to help you be around Chas without seeing... /that/. I do. Well, I wish I knew a way that wasn't upsetting and invasive."

    They close their eyes. "I've been mad at you, and lashing out at you, over something that you weren't even--look, how can I make it up to you? Noodles for every meal? Watch whatever fast car movie you want? I will even watch the Fast and the Furious movies, /all nine of them/, and let you tell me in /precise/ detail where they got the racing stuff wrong."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael lets out a breathy laugh at the fruit basket comment, and leans into Jon for comfort, as she gets the image back out of her head again. She meets his eyes for a while - and then simply rests her head into their chest, listening to Jon's voice rumbling - and finding comfort in that.
    She's safe here with Jon. They're practically a fucking God. Nothing was going to happen to her.
    "If I hated him, I wouldn't be trying to- I don't hate him. He just frightens me, is all." She wipes at her eyes and then adds, "That's why you were so mad at me?" She lets out another laugh and then adds, "The one I hate is //Uriel// - remember?"
    How can Jon make it up to her? She's silent for a moment and then she agrees, "Let's watch Fast the the Furious," she agrees. "But you gotta rent out a theater. And... we gotta have hot chocolate with thin mint ice cream in it."
    She pauses a beat and then adds, "And we have to bring Agnes, too." Because really - it just makes torturing Jon complete to have Agnes in on it.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I got it all mixed up in my head. But you don't even care that I talk to Uriel--/you/ just don't want to talk to him. Which you don't have to, because he can't come here anymore unless he's /specifically/ summoned."

    A pause, and Jon adds, softly, "I told you that, right? Nothing stops anyone from summoning an archangel--but no more archangels just stepping in to what should've been a summons for something else. What Michael did can /never/ happen again. Not ever."

    He sighs, and squeezes his eyes shut. "Okay." Opens his eyes. "Rent out theater. Hot chocolate with mint ice cream. And of course we'll bring Agnes. I just have to... well, I'm sure people rent out theatres. I'll figure it out." He's absolutely taking this seriously, evidently.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "...not ever? Not even in five thousand years when we're on our... fiftieth lifetime together?" Cael asks - letting herself be a hopeless romantic for a moment.
    Alis would have given her So Much Shit if she'd heard a line like that.
    As for taking it seriously - she doesn't voice a single word of protest. In fact, it seems like she might have entirely meant for Jon to take it that way. Because it would be a good night, and they needed good nights, sometimes. And they could afford it.
    "So, umm - what's our next step in getting me... used to Chas?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon makes a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob at the first part; he's /definitely/ a hopeless romantic, and it's not like the thought hasn't occurred to him before. But he just kisses her, and sighs happily, and replies, "Not ever. It is no longer allowed." And if that ever changed, Jon would probably personally find a way to get to Heaven and have words with Michael.

    They blink for a moment at having that thought so... casually. It's head-spinning. They really do need an entirely normal movie night, even if 'normal' is renting out a theater.

    Clearing their throat, they say, "Well, I'm going to supervise a sparring match between him and Robbie, see how he fares. You could come along to that, and watch. No need to interact directly, but you'd seen him doing some of the... angel stuff."

Cael Becker has posed:
    'Angel stuff.' ...great. "Okay," Cael agrees in a quiet voice. "I could, umm... I'm sure I can handle that."
    No. No, she isn't sure, but she's going to try.
    "I'll take my meds - and bring Bear. Just to be sure," she adds.
    Then, giving Jon a squeeze, she adds without any other explination, "I forgive you, you know."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "For what? Being an idiot, or making you feel like you couldn't be sad about Javi, or asking you to come see angel stuff?" Jon grins. "Or just being my out-of-touch Royal Godliness self?" A wink.

    After a pause, "You can leave whenever you want. No pressure."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Mostly the last one," Cael replies in a dry, teasing tone. She tilts her head back, giving Jon a gentle kiss before repeating, "I forgive you. ...Your Royal Godliness." There's a hint of concern as she adds, "You forgive me, for hurting you? Or... do I need to make it up, somehow?" She smirk as she adds, "I'm sure once I get the Ma'atmobile painted, all will be forgiven."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Oh. Oh, my love, didn't I say? Of course I forgive you." Jon shakes their head and leans down to give a kiss in return. "All is forgiven, Agent Becker." He needs a better name to tease her with.

    "Except that name. If you call it the Ma'atmobile I will... I don't know. I'll think of something suitably annoying."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "You know there is //zero// chance of it being called something else? Right?" Cael counters with amusement. "Have you asked Ma'at what she thinks of the name?" she asks in a teasing tone.
    She smiles with amusement, then her expression grows a little more serious. "I, uhhh... Just so you know. I think I'm going to sleep at my place tonight. Not because I'm mad or anything, I just need- a little space tonight." Because this was a //lot//.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon hesitates, and then nods. "Alright. I understand. I'll miss you... but I understand." He takes a slow breath and really /looks/ at her. She's not mad. It's there in her aura. She's /not/. She just needs space. Let her go, and she'll come back, and it'll be fine.

    So they relax, by degrees, and say, "I'll ask Ma'at tonight and have an answer tomorrow, hmm?" A pause, and then, "It's still morning, though I suppose I should start making rounds soon. When do you need to leave?" 'Rounds,' he says, like he's a doctor and not a superhero checking in on his teams.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I'm not in a rush. But, uh- if you send me over to the Trisk, I can hit the gym. ...again." And work some of this off.
    There's a brief pause before Cael muses quietly, "Or maybe what I need is a... spontaneous trip like my San Francisco trip. Just spend a day exploring with Bear..."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon sighs. "Record over the end of the tape for me first? And then I can do the re-recording while you're gone. But just... tell me where you want to go and when you want me to pick you up. Anywhere you like. Except, you know, Arizona. That's not safe at all."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Not Arizona. I'm not //dumb,// Jon, contrary to appearances, sometimes." Cael tilts her head towards Jon, giving them a kiss before adding, "I love you. Even when we fight, I love you. Yeah?"
    She extricates herself from Jon's arms, scratching at Bear to thank the pup for doing his job, and then moves towards the tape recorder, picking it up and staring at it in silence for a long moment.
    "Maybe..." she muses. Maybe what? "Maybe... Somewhere like Yellowstone for the day. Just - get outdoors, and go exploring... Bear would love it." She hits rewind for a moment, then play - leary of accidently hearing the scream again. After seeing where she is on the tape, it's just a matter of careful fast forwarding to skip as much as possible, without going too far, mostly by way of small jumps.
    She listens to Jon calling down Sekhmet's Vengeance, her expression tight as she hears them call, "Enact on him the judgement of the gods of Kemet! Scour him from the land! Vengeance is yours!" before immediately hitting stop. ...and then record, tears streaking down her cheeks as the last moment of Javier Hernandez is erased.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "You could have cut out before that," Jon says softly. "It would've been okay. But thank you, for keeping all you could stand to keep." He sighs, and leans over to give Cael a kiss on the cheek.

    "I love you too. Always. Especially when we fight. We fight, and we don't walk away, and it reminds me that we love each other enough to figure things out even when we disagree. Even when we /vehemently/ disagree."

    A sigh. "Alright, then. Yellowstone. I'll send you a portal around dusk there, okay? I think I can pinpoint it alright. I never seem to have trouble opening a portal to /you/."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I just don't want... the scream," Cael says quietly. Hearing him die. It's... awful. And if it hadn't existed - she never would have listened to it. And never would have thought she //should// have listened to it.
    It was only once it was there that she'd felt it was wrong to turn away from the ugly truth.
    After letting the tape run for a while, she turns it off, and hands it back to Jon.
    "I almost did walk away. Today, and- ...during the patrol. But walking away in the middle of a job is just- never forgiveable. ...and I told you I'd try to stop pulling away whenever I was in pain." So she'd stayed.
    She retrieves Bear's vest and leash, along with a container of food, and a collapsable waterbowl for him. Then she calls the dog over, to put his vest on for him.
    "I, uhh - appreciate the portals by the way. It's nice being able to get away."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "If it ever does get so bad you have to walk away... just come back. That's all I ask. Even if... even if you're... done with me some day... at least come back and tell me." Jon blinks tears away. He still worries about that, evidently. But then, they haven't even been together for six months. He's not going to presume, even if maybe he should.

    "Thank you, for staying. And now, well... go, take your space. I know you'll come back when you're ready. Have a good time, okay?" He smiles, and waves a hand, summoning up a door to Yellowstone, near a ranger station, in the wall of the room.

Cael Becker has posed:
    Moving in towards Jon, Cael puts both hands around their neck, looking up into their eyes with a small smile on her lips. "I'll always come back to you, Mariposa," she promises. "I walked into Duat - twice - to make sure I'd see you again. So there's no where I'll go that you won't be able to follow. Or vice versa - yeah?" She gives Jon a slow, lingering kiss - and only then, turns to walk through the door with her dog.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon lets the door close behind Cael and sighs, and turns back to the microcasette recorder. He gathers himself and then hits the record button.

    "Here the recording ends. Javier Hernandez died by immolation..."