11844/Introspection's a Bitch

Introspection's a Bitch
Date of Scene:	01 July 2022
Location:	105 W 29th - Jon and Cael's Apartment
Synopsis:	Cael and Jon both admit what's bothering them in the wake of Jon's rescue, and the journey through the High Priestess's challenge. Also: Cael sings.
Cast of Characters:	Cael Becker, Jonathan Sims

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Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael is having a quiet moment, for once. The usually active woman is leaning back against Bear's bulk, with a cat teaser wand in one hand. She waggles a large fuzzy 'worm' on the floor in front of Nimue - watching the cat periodically swipe at it cautiously with her injured paw. Lady is passed out nearby, the massive puppy curled up on a cat bed that is much, much too small for her bulk. A totally unneccessary cat bed, given the cat tower, and the fact that Nimue seemed perfectly content curling up with the dog. TV was playing ignored in the background - another action film, punctuated frequently with gunfire, and the sounds of insanely dangerous driving.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon had headed off to Titans Tower, in a... rather complicated and roundabout manner. He went to the Velvet Room, then used a portal from the Astral Plane back to Metropolis. /Then/ went /back/ to the Velvet Room, and used /another/ portal to come back home.

    "I really need to figure out what's wrong with my magic," they mutter as they come through the portal and close it behind them. They're wearing a black skirt and a Pink Floyd t-shirt today, and their nails are alternating black and red. They'd probably pull off the look better with piercings or tattoos or something, but they haven't gotten that far yet.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "It'll come back," Cael greets Jon simply, still largely focused on the cat as she continues waggling the toy for Nimue's amusement. The cat had settled in with almost no adjustment period at all - something Cael has been extremely grateful for. It meant the cat could get down to the hard work of 'therapy' immediately.
    The coffee pot beeped at me earlier - but I've been too lazy to get up. Could you...?" She's been drinking a slightly higher-than-average amount of coffee the last few days - due to some troubled sleep she's been doing her best to ignore.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Cael... if you couldn't /drive/, and you didn't know why, would you be content with 'it'll come back'?" Jon glowers over at Cael. "Magic is what I /am/. It's... bothering me, not being able to..." They shake themself, and head for the kitchen, to get the requested coffee.

    "So I apologized to Terry, for... well, for asking him to kill people in my stead." He sighs. "I think we may have a good lead on what's at the bottom of Wonderland, and Terry had some ideas for dealing with wayward immortals besides killing them. I feel like... there's still going to be times we're going to have to do that anyway, but..."

    A shake of the head as they come back over to Cael. "I'm going to try to avoid judging humans if I can, anymore. I think it's... there's a power imbalance. That's why it felt so... /wrong/. It's not a mortal imbued with power to protect humanity against immortals abusing their powers. It's... whatever I am now, judging the souls of people who will die some day anyway. It's just... not something I should be doing. Not in harmony with my... nature." They avoid the word 'purpose' even if that's the first thing that comes to mind. Cael probably wouldn't appreciate that.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "No, love, I absolutely wouldn't," Cael confirms. "And if I knew more about this stuff I- I wish I could help you more." She takes the coffee from Jon, regarding them seriously as she adds, "But you will figure it out. You will get your powers back - I know you will. And it's okay to be frustrated, or furious, or scared, or //whatever// in the meantime." Only with that said does she take a sip, listening to the rest seriously.
    "I think finding alternatives to killing is rarely a bad idea, but the next time it's necessary... If it helps - I'll be there with you. I'll help. You don't got to do this shit alone - you know?" With coffee in hand, the wand toy has been abandoned, leaving Nimue batting at the still toy a few times, before turning her attention to seeking out affection.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon turns away to go make tea, also pulling out some dried catnip--he's planted some, and it's out on the balcony, but it isn't grown yet. "What would you do?" He asks it in a serious tone, not callous or snapping. Truly wondering. "Would you kill people for me? You killed Elias for me, I suppose."

    He stares at the kettle while the water works on boiling. Not that it'll take long. "I'm a lot of things, lately. Tired, more than anything. Hurting. I don't know about scared. Maybe a little. I promised to go help with Wonderland, and the Jabberwock wants to /eat/ me. Terrifying, although not as much as it was before I flipped off Mr. Spider."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I might, yeah," Cael confirms. "Depending on who they are. Depending on what they've done. If I agree they need to die? That we have little other choice?" She falls silent for a moment, rubbing at Bear's ears before adding softly, "Though... I don't know. It's different killing someone in battle, isn't it? Than it is as a- well. As an execution. In cold blood. But... that's more or less what I asked you to do, isn't it? And it's a bit hypocritical of me if I'm not willing to do the same..." She takes another drink of the coffee as she considers this.
    "No getting eaten, okay? I'm not done with you yet," she remarks. Her tone is playful - mostly, with just a slight edge of the possessiveness she's shown. With so little of the moon showing, she's more or less back to herself.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I'll do my best, but if Wonderland isn't healed..." Jon frowns at the mug as he pours tea over a strainer. "I asked Terry what would happen to Wonderland if we don't succeed, and the Jabberwock gets to the Red King. What would happen to /him/. He dodged the question, very deliberately. I'm not /looking/ to get eaten, but if that's the only way to save a whole dimension..."

    They shake their head, and goes to grab milk and sugar and put it into the tea cup. "Maybe... maybe not working alone is the answer, for the Archivist. More than just Ma'at's judgement. Even down in Duat, it's isn't /just/ on her. She's carrying out the will of Osiris, and Anubis is involved, and there's Thoth to defend them, and..." They shrug, and bring tea and catnip over to the couch. "Surely she could see that these decisions should not be down to /one/ being."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "...Jon. No getting eaten," Cael repeats, and there's something particularly tight, and anxious in her voice, prompting Bear to turn his head to nuzzle at her reassuringly. "There- there'll be other ways to save Wonderland." She doesn't meet Jon's gaze as she returns, staring off at one of the room's many windows as she rubs at Bear's head.
    "Yeah," she adds, happy to change the subject. "You shouldn't be going through- well. Through shit like this on your own. You shouldn't have- it's too much for anyone's shoulders."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "It wasn't too much for Gran's. Or El--Jonah's. Or most of the successful Archivists. Just... me." Jon shakes his head. "Some days I feel like that's because I'm more compassionate, more of a healer... and some days I feel like that's because I'm weak."

    He sighs and sits down next to Cael. "Something's going on with you," he says softly, "and... I suspect you're not telling me what it is because you think I'm going through too much right now. But... tell me, love? Please? What's bothering you?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "You're not weak," Cael counters without hesitation. As Jon joins her, she sits up - so they're not both leaning back against Bear. Instead, she leans in towards Jon, her head resting on their shoulder, as her gaze stares out at the city, unseeing. She doesn't answer immediately, instead a few tears start streaking silently down her cheeks.
    "The High Priestess," she finally admits quietly. "I, oh- You saw your spider down there - yeah?" she asks. "I- I saw... I was hunting. I wasn't me, I was //it,// and I was chasing prey. I... fed, and tore out.. it's throat. Again, and again, and again." She takes a shuddering breath, and struggles to speak before she finishes quietly with, "It was you."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "So... that's what you fear? Tearing out my throat, eating me?" Jon reaches out to run a hand through Cael's hair, frowning thoughtfully.

    "I mean... it makes sense, that you'd be afraid of that. When you changed, there was nothing... you were buried so deeply even Ma'at had trouble finding you. You were lost, not in control. And I suppose there's an aspect of... hmm... maybe this possessiveness, it's... consumption can be a sort of possession. Possibly the jackal spirit in you wants to subsume me, to have me all to yourself, and you're afraid that would hurt me."

    A pause. "Or maybe... that's what /I'm/ afraid of, a little," they murmur. "More than actually being eaten. You have the tattoo now, after all, and I'm fairly certain I could hold you off long enough to get help if it was ever removed."

    They sigh. "But... you faced it. You moved forward. How did you do that, in that moment?"

Cael Becker has posed:
Cael's head tilts towards the feel of their touch, tears still streaking her cheeks. "I ran. Again, and again, and again. Trying to escape what I'd-" But how do you escape something like that? You //can't.// "I, uhhh... I... finally, I held you, and I sang... Ahi viene nuestro milagro. Just praying, hoping, you'd find your way back to me again. That- that if you came back once, that- You'd come back to me. If you could."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "But it's still bothering you." Jon sighs, and leans over a bit to grab their tea, and takes a long sip.

    After a long moment of silence, they say, "Does it help you to know I'm not afraid of you changing, at all? I'm just... not. I... if anything, I... when I think of you changing again, becoming the werejackal... I feel /safe/. I know you'd never hurt me, so long as you had an ounce of control. And I trust the tattoo--I trust you won't lose control."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael responds with a long silence, as she considers Jon's words - and tries to sort through her own emotions. "A little," she admits. "But- Change I can accept. //Being changed//... frightens me. This isn't something I chose, this isn't something- it was //done// to me. And we still don't really understand... how. Or why. Was it chance? Was it deliberate? And if it's deliberate... why? Who wanted this? WHAT wanted this? And how do we find out?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I understand," Jon says softly. "For all the changes I've accepted... being the Archivist, that wasn't my choice. Everything else just... flowed from that. But sometimes... you don't get to choose. Things happen, and you figure out how to deal with them."

    He sighs and shifts a bit, settling a little better. "But how you react? That's your choice. You've chosen to react to this by making sure you can be safe, and getting help... and you can continue to choose to react to it by seeking out answers. Tracking down the leftovers of the pack, say. Talking to Moon Knight and finding out what he might know. You can choose /how/ it changes you." He can't quite manage to bite back the bitter tone when he says, "I mean, at least you /have/ the choice. For me, it's 'no lying or you--'"

    He stops, and closes his eyes. "Sorry," he murmurs. "That's not... helpful."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "You're allowed to be bitter, too," Cael points out in a wry tone. "I- I do need to track them down, somehow. But I won't be able to until the full moon, and we won't even know how... aware I am, how in control, //until// the full moon. But that's what the tattoo is for. Right? But that means- These other jackals, they have the tattoos, too, and they hunt people so- they //choose// to? Or- or is the control more tenuous that night?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Could be a little of both," Jon notes. "Maybe the Alpha was choosing to... and the other people involved didn't have as much choice, where being forced by him. Or maybe they all chose. I'd suspect at least /one/ person had a choice, though. Even if it was only whoever gave them the tattoos, controlling them."

    He smirks. "But the thing you're forgetting is that we /didn't/ use those tattoos. We came up with something different, better, /stronger/. Meant for you to be in balance and control. So whatever /they've/ been doing--you won't. Okay?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    Again, Cael responds with silence, before finally nodding to Jon's words. "Okay," she agrees. "But I'll, umm... I'll feel better //after// the next full moon. Or... after this thing is gone. You know, whichever comes first."
    She lets out a sigh before she adds, "It's not I don't appreciate you helping. You know that, right? I mean- Imagine what a mess I'd be if I didn't- Or if my friends weren't so- accepting. I mean, even Cap- though if I'd really stopped to think, with him pal-ing around with Barnes, and Banner..."
    She tilts her head towards Jon, resting the top of her head against his as she adds, "I know I'll be okay. I know, I just- worry sometimes about what we might be missing."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "It's okay to be scared. It's /reasonable/ to be scared. But it shouldn't... it shouldn't be keeping you up all night. Not if we can help it." Jon sighs. "Because sleeping well, eating well, keeping yourself healthy and on an even keel... that's going to help you stay in control too. Help you make good decisions."

    They reach out to pull Cael close, resting their head atop hers. "I worry too," they murmur. "Less than I used to, though. I don't know if you understand... Cael, you /killed Elias/. I have been living in perpetual fear of that man for over a decade. If I wasn't so depressed, the /relief/ I'd be feeling... imagine if you'd gone through everything with Michael and he was gone /that day/. No worries about facing him again. So I... maybe it's blinding me to the things I should be worrying about. All I can think when I think about you changing is how viscerally /satisfying/ it is to replay that memory from Ma'at in my head of you tearing out his throat."

    A sigh. "...Prooobably not helping, hmm? Sorry."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I don't mind that I killed him. Fucker need to die. For you, and Agnes, and Martin, and Alya, and Tom. I don't even mind that I tore out his throat. I- I'd said I was going to. Watching him die, though. Enjoying his fear, and pain... Was that me? Was that because he hurt you? Or was that //it//? Does it matter? How do I tell the difference? And- and //swallowing// some of him..." A shiver runs through her. "But I don't regret killing him - at all."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I would've enjoyed his fear, and pain," Jon says, and there's a hot, bitter tone to his voice. "I /have/ been. I've replayed it, slowly, savored every /second/ of his terror when he realized he was going to /die/ and he couldn't do a damn thing about it."

    They stop, and shudder, and close their eyes. "I suppose I'm just saying... I'm no better than you, or the jackal spirit, in this. It's okay to... to do things, to feel things, that you don't... necessarily..."

    He bites his lip. "Some part of me enjoyed hurting Javier," he whispers. "Because he hurt you, and that hurt me. It's... it's okay to... maybe it's wrong to have enjoyed it. But it's /understandable/ to have enjoyed it."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael's arm, which is wrapped loosely around Jon's middle, tightens as she remains quiet for a few moment. "If I hadn't known Javier as a child - or if I'd... if I'd been around to see him turn into the monster he'd become, maybe I would have enjoyed it too," she admits quietly. "But- it wasn't the same for me. He hadn't tormented me and hounded me for years. He hadn't- he hadn't killed anyone I cared about. Or stolen anyone from me."
    She lets out a heavy sigh as she adds, "But yeah. Jonah... Elias, whoever he was - he was afraid of dying, and I enjoyed it. Enjoyed causing it. Enjoyed... that power, and I'm not sure that's who I want to be. I don't think it is."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I'm not saying you /should/ have enjoyed killing Javier, nor that I should have. Just... that it's an understandable response. You don't need to beat yourself up too much, you know?" Jon sighs, and closes his eyes for a moment.

    Then, "It's not what you do in every situation. It's what you do overall. It's how you course-correct. Someone who always does the 'right' thing, even if it hurts another, and will never apologize nor change... are they truly moral? Truly /good/? So what if you enjoyed killing a terrible person? He did terrible things. So long as you wouldn't kill an innocent person--wouldn't enjoy hurting them--isn't that the important part?"

    They shake their head. "I'm so tired of... of thinking about all of this. Agonizing over it. Picking apart every detail of every bloody thing we do. I just... I just want to /live/. To try to figure out how to be happy. Elias is dead, and that's good enough for me. Good riddance, and I'd rather stop thinking about him if I can."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Maybe," Cael agrees. "...I suppose." She takes a deep breath in, letting it slowly before she adds, "You deserve to be happy. You've more than earned it. You should enjoy life - with your daughter. With your cat. ...with me. You should get to know Agnes, and take her to see Quito at the Solstice, and get drunk, and make more objectively ridiculous music... All of those things. And I-" Why is there any hesitation here at all? "I deserve to be happy, too. With you. With Bear. ...with my family. I deserve a family. And none of this shit's gonna get in the way of that. Yeah?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I certainly hope not," Jon murmurs. They have their eyes open now, and take the dried catnap in one hand, crush it up, then sprinkle it on the floor for Nimue. "But there are still things..."

    They bite their lip as they watch the cat come over to sniff at. "I need to find Annabelle Cane," they murmur. "I /have/ to know what this... hole in my memories is."

    The cat sniffs at the catnip, sneezes, then starts to eat a bit of it. A moment later, she's on her back, purring as she rolls around in the stuff.

    "I've been thinking... to that end... Elias is dead. Maybe it's high time we went on another vacation--to England this time. I can show you and Agnes Oxford." And, thus, the house where Agnes was born. The last place he saw Annabelle Cane. A working vacation, then--but a vacation nonetheless.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "If you need my help - if you want my help... it's yours," Cael promises, giving Jon a little squeeze. "And you and Agnes can show me what things are like over there. I never- I mean, other than our ski trip... I never seem to have the chance to just... stay oversees and get to know a place. It's always- work. Fly in, do a job, fly out the same day... What a waste, you know?"
    Reassuringly she adds, "We'll find your answers, Jon. I'm sure of it. We'll figure it out, and it's going to be alright."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Agnes hasn't really, either. Elias never let her leave the house." Jon sighs, and shakes his head. "Anyway, Oxford's lovely. England's lovely. I do miss it sometimes, though I'm just as glad to live here." He smiles, watching the cat rolling around like a fool in the catnip.

    "M'sorry I've been so... depressed," they murmur, trailing fingers through the catnip and then petting Nimue. "Seems like a bad moment for it, y'know? I'm trying. I really am."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Jon... I was depressed during an angelic invasion. I was- I couldn't even get out of bed. Seems like a bad moment for it," Cael points out simply. "When, with our lives, is there a good time for this shit? And how, with our lives, are we supposed to stay perfectly sane, and happy?" She shakes her head, then pushes herself up, so she can turn, and face towards Jon directly.
    "You're here for me. I'm here for you. We'll both get through this, okay? I'm not upset with you. I don't blame you - so don't go blaming yourself. You don't need guilt with the depression - you know?" She reaches out with her hand, resting it against Jon's cheek. "I love you, Mariposa." And I would never hurt you. Never.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon smiles a bit wanly. "Blaming myself is what I'm best at, love. And I saved the universe once, so you /know/ I'm an expert." It's an attempt at humor, even if it falls a little flat.

    "I love you, too. Thank you for being so patient with me." A pause. "I'll admit I don't want to get out of bed most days. I don't know if I'd manage, if not for you and Agnes. I..."

    He looks down at the floor. "I want out," he whispers, leaning into Cael's hand. "Of the deal with Ma'at. I want to not be an avatar anymore. But I can't--I don't get that option. It's the reason I'm alive. It was this, or be dead. So every morning, I have to remind myself why I want to be alive. And I do. I just... it's just hard, right now."

Cael Becker has posed:
    There's concern in Cael's gaze, layered with pain, and even guilt. Was she wrong to ask him to come back? Was there anything she could do to make things better for him?
    "Can you tell me why it's so difficult?" she asks. "Is there anything I can do to make things better? Is there- the things I said, to you, to Ma'at- did I make it worse? You deserve to be happy. So- if there's anything I can do to help, to make things better... If you need me to scream at her for you... Whatever it is you need."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "It's the whole... thing. It's not having had a real choice in anything. Everything I've done to get here, it's been to avoid a fate someone else chose for me. It's the feeling of..."

    Jon hesitates. Swallows. "I had /puppet strings/, Cael. Jonah was able to literally control my body with them. And they've been there... how long? Who put them there? What is it I don't remember? What if... what if everything I've done, right down to being Ma'at's avatar, was all just... someone else manipulating me? Literally pulling my strings?"

    He shakes his head. "I know now... /that's/ the thing I've been angry at, trying to run away from. The thing that made me not want to come back. I'm not sure I've ever really been in control of my own fate--not since I was eight, anyway. Not since Mr. Spider. That's tied up in it all somehow, I /know/ it."

    After a moment, their expression hardens. "But I killed Mr. Spider, even if it was just a vision. Whatever's going on--I'm /done/ being controlled. Whenever I make up with Ma'at, there's going to be /changes/ in our relationship. She needs me as much as I need her--moreso, maybe. I'm not afraid of dying, not really--I just don't want to leave my family behind. But if she wants a /cooperative/ avatar, she'll bloody well listen to me."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "And we'll be here for you," Cael promises. "We'll help you however we can."
    Her hand is still on their cheek - and she leans in for a gentle kiss, before letting it drop, and pulling Jon in against her. "I want you to know - I told Agnes, I- just after the full moon, when she came to see me. She thought... I was avoiding her. That I blamed her, or was angry with her for attacking me. She thought- that I'd run away from her at the first chance, and I guess I can't blame her for that. But I told her- if anything ever happened to you, especially if Martin was still away... that she wouldn't be alone. That I'd be there for her. I'd- if anything happened, I'd keep an eye on her, but I have a feeling you're going a much better job of it than I'd ever do, so...."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon closes their eyes for a moment. Swallows. "Thank you, for that," they murmur. "It's... it's good to... look, Martin will be back in time. And if she loses us both... then she's an orphan. But it's still good for her to have other people, other adults, around. Kids need that--hell, adults need that. People they can depend on, turn to and ask questions of. It doesn't have to be... parental."

    He leans into Cael and sighs, opening his eyes to watch the cat again--who is now just lying there amongst the catnip, totally stoned. "Did I say thank you, for dragging me to the shelter? Because--thank you."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I'll be honest, the thought of having to... look after her, terrifies me. And not just because it would mean something had happened to you. But... I'd hate myself if I turned my back on her. So... If ever she needs me... We'll figure it out. But my first priority is to make sure she'll always have //you// - in a sound state of mind."
    At the thanks, Cael smile, giving Jon a squeeze, as she too watches the cat. "Anything that brings you a little peace and happiness is worth it. And she's a pretty nice cat, I suppose," she remarks in a teasing voice.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "A /pretty nice/--!!" Predictably enough, that gets Jon into /high/ dudgeon, all at once. They even sit up and glare at Cael for a moment.

    Then they soften all at once, even looking a bit sheepish. "Ahh... that was you... pulling my leg, hmm?" It's seemed, of late, that Jon just cannot maintain that outer defensive prickliness for very long, and definitely not at home. It's like he's a snail or turtle without a shell, all soft underbelly. He didn't even really this /vulnerable/ after he came back from being tortured by Michael. One hopes he might re-build some form of protection before too long; a person /this/ vulnerable and emotive will surely be hurt by the world quickly.

    Or already has been, and that's where the outer shell came from in the first place.

    He settles back with a sigh. "I'm not going anywhere, though, love. Can you imagine they'd /let/ me die? They can't want you storming down to Duat again, and this time I'm pretty sure you'd have to promise Lady Death to trash the place to help you get back there." And he knows Cael. She'd promise it, to get Jon back.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Yes, love, that's me pulling your leg. You picked a nice cat," Cael confirms, letting out a brief laugh. "So... I guess maybe our family's pretty complete? For not, anyways. Me, you, Martin, Agnes... and Bear, Lady, and Nimue." What else could they want?
    With Jon back in her arms, she holds them to her again, fingers sliding through his hair soothingly. "Neither of us are going to die again - not for a long, long time. How about... at least another hundred years? Would that work?" Though how'd they pull something like that off...

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon laughs as he leans into Cael's touch. "You'd have to find a way not to age too much, and you seem allergic to the idea of using magic or anything like that. I wouldn't argue, but..."

    A sigh. "I'm going to enjoy the time we have together, however long it is. We both died and came back from it--I'm grateful for every extra day. Even if I don't seem it, just now."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I am too," Cael agrees. "Alis- she... she gave us this. She made this choice, for us." Her gaze goes to where her sister's photo rests - and it stays there for a while. "It's her birthday in a week," she remarks. They'll have to acknowledge it in some way.
    "I don't miss her as much. Not as much as I did. I guess... that's the way it goes. The way it's supposed to go. It helps knowing we'll see each other again, as long as I continue to do more good than bad."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "You'll see her again," Jon says with confidence. "You're a good person, Cael. You really are." He really is just absolutely confident about that, and about her. "Her birthday in a week? We'll do something. And... that /is/ how it's supposed to work. You move on, and you move forward, although you never stop thinking about them entirely."

    A sigh, and they close their eyes again, shifting to let Cael run her hands through their hair better. "Cael?" they murmur. "Would... would you sing to me? I don't care what. I just... going out was hard. People are hard. Sing to me?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael doesn't sing very often - but when she does, it's in private. Luckily for Jon, that includes them. Still, she's silent for a few moments as she brushes her fingers through their hair - before she finally begins to sing.

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?