11910/Everybody Gets a Little Emo Sometimes

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Everybody Gets a Little Emo Sometimes
Date of Scene: 06 July 2022
Location: Lydia's Apartment
Synopsis: Jon and Cael stop by to check in on Lydia and find that This Is Not The Lydia You Are Looking For. There's a bit of an argument, Lydia reveals what she did to herself, and, with some work, they convince her to seek a way to repair the damage.
Cast of Characters: Lydia Dietrich, Jonathan Sims, Cael Becker




Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia has been a little scarce these days. Ever since the notifications that her wedding has been canceled she hasn't been seen at her usual haunts. She comes in every once in a while to the Velvet Room to pull some books from the library to do some research, but otherwise she hasn't really been hanging out much.

    Today is no exception. She's spread herself out on the dining room table, with several journals spread out across the surface around her laptop, which she's working on. The book isn't going to write itself.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon has been trying to get ahold of Lydia to /talk/ to her since she hasn't been acting quite like herself, but though the vampire is answering texts, that's not really a substitute for talking properly. And while he normally might just chalk this up to her being busy, recent events involving Rien and a mirror that might be a portal to Nullspace have him jumpy about his friends. What if Lydia's been replaced? Or horribly mind controlled? So he gets Cael to drive him over to Lydia's place, bringing an offering of one of Martin's "literary snob" teas. It'll go stale before Martin gets home anyway.

    So it is that there's a knocking at Lydia's door--three knocks, distinctly--as Jon stands there wearing his ankle-length black skirt, a black t-shirt with some kind of band logo that looks vaguely like a spaceship, black Converse. His nails have been painted black and red, and he dyed his hair back to black too. He's not wearing eyeliner, but he really /ought/ to be, it'd complete the look. Poor Cael has to /live/ with this now.

Cael Becker has posed:
    Other than briefly rolling her eyes, Cael has had nothing to say about Jon's new look. I mean- nothing good comes of criticizing someone's look. It hurts their feelings, and causes bad blood.
    ...besides. He puts up with her tattoos and raucus hair dye.
    She takes position propping up the hallway's wall as they wait for Lydia to respond, her arms folded casually across her chest, and Bear cheerfully panting at her feet. She doesn't really have anything to say at the moment that hasn't already been said in the car - that maybe this was unnecessary. That Lydia could be fiiiine, and maybe they'd just been completely misinterpreting her attitude lately...
    One can hope.

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    "Hey Jo-" Lydia stops short catching sight of her friend gone all emo as she opens the door. It takes her a moment to process when a playful grin spreads wide against her features. "Excellent! I /was/ thinking that when I eventually drag you and Cael to Fangtasia one of these days that I'd have to fight to get you and and Cael to dress all Goth, but you're halfway there already. Need more lace and ruffles to really sell it, though."

    She takes a few steps back to let her friends into her apartment, and turns to go into the kitchen to set the kettle on to boil. She can smell the tea that Jon has brought. "So what brings you two my way?" So far she seems... fine? She's acting fine so far at least. The only hint that something's wrong are the threads of red that weave their way through Lydia's golden irises, and the somewhat sinister tone her otherwise normally bright and warm aura has taken.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "You didn't know me in university," Jon replies with a smirk. "The only reason I don't have more tattoos than Cael and piercings everywhere is that I /was/ in med school, and I /was/ thinking about my future." A pause. "Might fix that, now," they murmur, thoughtfully.

    They come in and offer out the tin of tea--pu'er with plum essence and a touch of honey brandy. "I wanted to see how you're doing. Things have been a little crazy lately, so I'm trying to check in on people. And, umm..." A hesitation, and then, more softly, "I got the announcement about the broken engagement. Figured you could use a pick-me-up." By his tone, Jon's presuming Lydia's the one that got dumped.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Yeah, we were... both sorry to hear," Cael confirms, walking in along with Bear. That was about as politic as Cael usually got, and her gaze follows Lydia towards the kitchen. There's just a hint of something critical, and assessing in her gaze as she studies the woman, while Bear sticks close to her side, letting out a little whine. "I'm fine, what's up with you?" she mutters at the pup, giving him a nudge with her knee.
    "I guarantee I wasn't anywhere near England while youw ere in medical school, Jon," Cael remarks in a dryly amused tone. "Lydia may have been. She seems more traveled than I am."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia takes the tea and makes a show of opening it up and taking a good whiff off it. "Oh wow. This is good stuff, here." She pulls out a couple of mugs for her guests, and finds a package of Fig Newtons, from which she pulls out some of the cookies and puts them on a plate.

    "I'm fine," she says, bringing the plate around and setting it before the pair. "I did what I had to do and what's done is done." Oddly, she doesn't seem all that torn up about it. For all the way she's acting she might as well have canceled her Netflix subscription.

    "Probably not," she tells Cael, as she leans up against the kitchen island. "Believe it or not we didn't do a /lot/ of travelling, and by the time I was in high school my mutant power activated and my mom didn't really want me travelling anywhere. You know. Just in case."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon's brow furrows a bit. "You did what you had to do...?" For a moment, he peers at Lydia, clearly confused, and then seems to decide to change the subject. Or at least, to focus on something else to try to figure out what's going on.

    "What're you working on here?" They gesture at the table with all the journals and the laptop, as they settle in to a seat and lean forward to grab a Fig Newton. They have their prosthetic, today, instead of the summoned-up magical arm. They have for a couple weeks.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Ah. Yeah, I mean. All the shit I've had to deal with in my life... mutation wasn't one of them. I can see how that would make things more challenging, though."
    She settles in next to Jon - giving Bear a puzzled look at the pup practically tries to crawl into her lap. "Down, Bear. What's up with you right now, huh?" She claims one of the cookies to nibble at, while she studies Lydia some more.
    "I could never be a writer. I don't have the patience to read very many books - let alone write one."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    "The Book of Lydia," Lydia says, gesturing at the pile of journals. "I'm still organizing all the information that I have. It's kind of a mess. I have to sort through the... hold on." The sound of the kettle whistling, interrupts Lydia letting her know that the water is boiling. She turns off the stove and pulls down a tea pot, and prepares the tea.

    After fixing the tea the way that she remembers everybody liking them, she turns back to the couple and continues. "My journals are a mess. By the time I realized that I should chronicle everything it was too late to really start in on any kind of organization." She sets the tea down in front of her guests. "So I'm putting it all in the computer." She takes a bit of a breath, "There's a lot to go through."

    There's a slight scowl at Bear's antics, and she bends over, resting her hands on her knees to get closer to eye level with him. "Hey, Bear," she says in the sing-song voice you get when you address an adorable pup. She tilts her head when he looks at her, and catches his gaze in her own. "Things are okay, yeah? You're a good boy, and everything's alright and there is absolutely nothing to worry about."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon leans forward to grab the cup of tea, frowning thoughtfully. "You got all your interviews done, then." Had she already told him about Michael? He doesn't really want to bring up the archangel in front of Cael. "Is there anything else you needed...?"

    They trail off and blink at Lydia, then narrow their eyes. "What did you just...?" He looks at Bear, as if to see the dog's reaction. That couldn't be what he thought it was, right? Lydia wouldn't--or would she?

Cael Becker has posed:
    As Lydia meets Bear's gaze, the dog settles down, sitting at Cael's side, and resting his head lightly on her lap, rather than showing the more anxious behavior he had from a moment before - and Cael knows enough to follow the clues in Jon's gaze and tone, and Bear's behavior. "...did you just do something to Bear?" she asks.
    "Bear? You okay?" Her question is met with a relaxed, dopey expression from the pup, tongue lolling out as it often does. She scratches behind the dog's ears, before returning her gaze to Lydia.

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Now that Bear is taken care of, Lydia sits down in her own chair facing the couple. "I did," she says taking a sip of the tea closing her eyes to enjoy it. "Everybody's been most helpful. It's just organization and writing now."

    At Jon's offer for anything else she nods. "Yes, actually. I've been meaning to catch up with you for this, but with everything else going on it kind of got pushed to the background."

    She takes a quick sip of her tea before standing up to go to the locked iron chest she keeps tucked under the coffee table in the living room. Opening it up, she pulls out several journals and loose sheafs of paper all bound together with thin leather straps. She brings these over and hesitantly sets them in front of Jon. "These are the journals and notes I made when creating the Great Seal," she says. "Everything anybody might need in order to recreate it is in there. Everything anybody might need to bring it down, too." She rests a hand on top of the journals delicately, as if the journals themselves were made of gold leaf. "I want you to read them. Add it all to the Archive, and then I want you to destroy them." She purses her lips thoughtfully and reluctantly takes a step back. "This information is too valuable to be lost to the ages, but that information needs to be secured against anybody who might want to bring it down. This was the only way I could think of."

    When it comes to Bear, though, she just looks back at them, blinking in confusion. "No, why? I just thought..." she shakes her head. "I just figured that he's getting used to being around me and that he just needed a word of encouragement. I thought about offering him a Fig Newton, but I don't know if it's okay for dogs to eat Figs."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon frowns at Lydia. "You... did something. There was a... I don't know, a kind of spark of magic? I mean, I've seen vampires charm people before, it looked sort of like that. Maybe you didn't mean to, but... you did." He glances at Bear. "I mean, he seems fine, you didn't hurt him, but..."

    He glances at Cael, and reaches out to put one arm on her back, lightly, like he's supporting her. He knows she might be mad about magic being used on her dog, particularly of a mental sort, even if Lydia didn't mean to.

    But they reach out the other hand to touch the top of the notes on the Great Seal, very gently. "I can do that," they murmur. "That's... part of what I'm for, after all. Storing important knowledge, that needs to be kept, but also needs to be..." A pause. "Contained."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael strokes at Bear's head, but she only seems concerned by this turn of events, rather than openly angry or hostile about it. "I don't know what was bothering him in the first place. He's been... pretty alright around you. He's gotten used to it. Has something changed?" she asks, studying Lydia's strange eyes before looking away to take a sip of her tea. "I'd rather people didn't mess with my dog's head, though. He puts up with enough shit, you know?"

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    "I did?" Lydia seems genuinely surprised to learn that she gave the dog a bit of a psychic push to get him to calm down. She scowls, thinking back on what she did and lets out a little, "Hunh." She shakes her head in wonder, "Well, I suppose it was going to happen sooner or later. I know that that kind of thing is well within my ability to learn. I just thought that I'd have to be /taught/ it like I did the shapeshifting."

    "I'm sorry I mind whammied Bear," she says to Cael, sounding like she's saying it because it's the polite thing to do rather than she's genuinely sorry about it. "I'll be more careful going forward."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Lydia..." Jon hesitates a moment, then reaches out to quite firmly pick up the Great Seal notes, like he's trying to make sure he has possession of them before he broaches the subject.

    "Something's... off. And, look, maybe it's nothing, and maybe you're just stressed about Raven dumping you, and finishing your book. But there's red in your eyes, and you're doing this odd magic, and it's... it's just... are you okay? Has something... changed?" They frown at her. "I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm genuinely worried."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "We both are," Cael voices. Those three words carry added weight, coming from her - at least with those who truly know and understand her.
    "And maybe... whatever it is, that's what was making Bear be more on edge?" she suggests. She glances towards Jon for a moment, before looking back towards Lydia. "You know that, whatever it is - we'll help you. Yeah?"

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia stiffens when Jon confronts her about things being off. "It's nothing," she says, sounding a bit guarded. "I'm fine, really. The High Priestess showed me something that I needed to see and I dealt with it." She waves a hand dismissively and relaxes in her chair snatching up a fig newton. "I'm not sure what's going on with my eyes. Maybe it's a side effect of being able to do the vampire mind whammy, now."

    "Mm," she says nibbling on the cookie. "Maybe I should talk to Hatshepsut about it. She could teach me control over it so I don't accidentally do it to one of you all."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon glances at Cael, potentially exchanging a glance with her, then looks back at Lydia. "What did the High Priestess show you? I mean... she showed /me/ the cartoon spider that ate my grandmother's handyman when I was a child. A foolish, childish fear, but it's my first clear memory. I... well. I killed him. I'm the Archivist. What do I have to fear from a giant spider?"

    He's still afraid of spiders, though. Just yesterday he gave Cael and Agnes both a turn, screaming and attacking one on one of his houseplants. They'd rightly thought the house was under attack. Jon's weird about spiders.

    They sip their tea, trying to gather their thoughts. "Look, if you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. But... I mean, look, Lydia, even if you started killing people I'd try to help you before I roared and called you a monster, you know that, right? You're our friend. So you can tell me... whatever's going on."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "The High Priestess was a fucking bitch, man," Cael mutters under her breath. "She showed me tearing out Jon's throat - again and again and again. That sort of shit - the shit she showed us, that'll fuck anyone up. God, I wish I could punch her right in the face." She lets out an aggrevated huff of air, still petting at the perfectly calm pup's head.
    "Well. Friends don't let friends eat children, I have to draw the line somewhere." And that's a very clear and obvious line. "Which, you know - I suppose is as good a time as any to say thanks, again, for not letting me eat Agnes."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    "She showed me how broken I would be if Raven left," Lydia answers after a bit of an internal struggle. The Predator doesn't want to share. It knows that if it goes back to the background Lydia will feel those feelings again and she would break for real this time. But they're expecting her to share, and it would look too suspicious not to. Plus there's a part of her, in the back of her head, screaming something about how wrong this is.

    She just shrugs smoothly, "So I fixed myself so I wouldn't be and... in the end realized that I didn't really need her. She was a weakness. Nobody should have the power to break you like that." She sounds oddly unperturbed by all this. Again. Like she just canceled Netflix.

    "If..." she looks directly at Jon, "/If/ I started killing people so I could live, it would be people the planet would be better off without." She shoots him a grin that's supposed to be reassuring but misses the mark. "Thank God I can do the vampire mind whammy thing, now, right?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon chews on his lip for a moment. Then he says, softly, "I suppose... if you had doubts that awful, that insurmountable? Then maybe it wasn't right. There has to be... there has to be a foundation of /trust/, for a relationship to work. For a marriage to work." He reaches over to squeeze Cael's hand, briefly. "If you truly didn't trust that Raven would stay with you... then something was wrong, deep down, maybe."

    A hesitation. "I suppose... I can't entirely... I mean, I'm supposed to remove people the world's better off without. It wouldn't be... /terrible/."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "...I don't know what I would do if Jon left. I doubt it would be pretty, though," Cael remarks, a faint frown on her features. "But I know he's not going anywhere." Not by choice. She squeezes Jon's hand back, giving him a brief smile.
    "There are some truly awful people in the world," she agrees. "I just- I don't know. It gets complicated, morally, but- morals are subjective, and open to interpretation. The whole thing's a mess, isn't it?"

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    For all that's being said, Lydia doesn't seem all that torn up about the breakup, which is perhaps the oddest thing about all of this. "Well, what's done is done," she says. "No regrets, right?"

    She nods in agreement with Cael. "It can be. But... as you said. There are some truly awful people out in the world. People who abuse their loved ones. People who have assaulted mutants, put them in hospitals or even killed them and only got away with a slap on the wrist." She shakes her head. "A true moral dilemma."

    She reaches out and picks up her mug and takes a sip of tea, and closes her eyes as she enjoys the flavor. "This is really quite good tea."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "You can thank Martin for that - when he's back," Cael remarks. She takes another sip of her tea, and shares a glance with Jon. She looks about to say more when her phone rings - and she looks at the number with an exasperated expression. "Ugh, sorry. Avenger's business, apparently."
    She taps the screen, and lifts the phone to her ear before she remarks, "Yeah, Steve, what's up?" There's a moment of silence. "Seriously? Look, one second, I-" She covers the mic on the phone. "I should probably deal with this - sorry. I'll be out by the car," she promises Jon. "Hey, Lydia- uhhh... don't be a stranger, I guess?"
    Yup, smooth.
    She rises to her feet, Bear on her heels, and heads out the door. "Sorry - go ahead."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon blinks at Cael but then shrugs as if to say--what can you do? "Alright, love. I'll be out there in a bit. Tell Captain Rogers I said hi, hmm?"

    Then he turns back to Lydia. For a moment, he just /stares/ at the vampire. Hard. Forces his Third Eye open, to make sure he's /really/ looking at her. And no, there's no bits gobbled out of her aura, or anything, just... odd lines through it, threads that imply something that makes Jon's stomach clench for a moment.

    "You're killing people." It's blunt. "And... in all honesty? That doesn't /entirely/ bother me. Cows and pigs are better, gentler, friendlier people than just about any adult human I've ever met, and I eat them. That's the way of the world. Some scumbag mutant-hater's blood feeding you, instead of just... rotting in prison, or rotting in the ground? Well, hey, at least they've gone to some good use, right?"

    A pause. "But Lydia... it should bother /you/. It used to bother you." Another pause. "Or are you just... if you're not with Raven, then you have to feed on others. Are you just... surviving? And pretending it's okay so you don't hate yourself?"

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    There's a hint of cold calculation that goes on behind Lydia's eyes before they soften to their more natural placid state. "People change," Lydia says calmly, if not dismissively. "A year ago getting into a fistfight would have left me shaking and throwing up, and now I /throw/ myself into danger at the drop of the hat."

    She snorts and shakes her head, tipping her head down to hide the hint of a smirk. "I'm a vampire, Jon. A predator, and I no longer have access to easy prey. I've been given all the tools that I need in order to hunt, both mental and physical, and so I use them. I'm okay with it as long as it's directed at people who deserve it." She chuckles, "Besides. It's a bit freeing once you embrace what you are."

    A nod is given to Cael as she departs for Avenger business.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon hesitates for a moment, considering that. Is this really what's going on? Is it /really/ just what Lydia's claiming?

    "So... I get all of that. I've changed in the past year, too. I'm expected to kill people, now, and even if they're /bad/ people, I've gotten pushback from people who don't understand. I even understand... embracing what you are. I am the Archivist. Not just /an/ Archivist. /The/ bloody Archivist. We were created to protect mortals from immortals who would abuse their power, and what greater threat has there been, that any Archivist faced, than Michael? Whatever... struggle I'm having, right now, with Ma'at, I /do/ embrace that. The power it gives me. I wouldn't trade it for anything." A pause, to glance the way Cael went. "Almost anything."

    Then he looks back to Lydia. "But what you are... is a predator, yes. A vampire. And that's not... /terrible/. But..." A pause. "That's not /all/ you are. You're a mutant. You're a witch." They place their hands on the Great Seal notes. "You're a hell of a ritual magician. Can the Beast calculate the names of God?"

    A pause. "...Even if it was right, to leave Raven, how can a woman who seems so /blase/ about breaking up with her /fiance/ write romance novels? How can you be /you/ if you don't... /feel/ anything?"

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    For a second, something breaks through the bland countenance of Lydia's eyes. A grief so deep the pressures at the bottom of that chasm would squeeze coal to diamonds. A hurt so sharp it could split atoms. But, as soon as it's there, it's gone.

    "I'll work out something," she says, lazily dismissing Jon's concerns. "There are other genres to write than romance. Besides, I've a feeling that the Book of Lydia is going to keep me comfortable for a long while."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    There's a moment where Jon actually considers getting up and slapping Lydia. It would accomplish nothing, but it's his first instinct. To shake her out of the complacency. Because he can /see/ that she's going down a dark, dangerous road, and he isn't sure how to get her back.

    Instead, for a long moment, Jon just... sits there, considering what to do. He can't get at his magic. Cael's waiting out by the car. Weirdly enough, he isn't afraid, not really. Lydia hasn't given any indication she might attack him. He can't fathom, given that she /is/ still Lydia, that she'd /want/ to.

    They close their eyes, and let themself kind of... fall back. For the second time this week, they call on Ma'at, silently this time. When they open their eyes, there's an overlay of teal light. "What did you do to yourself, Lydia?" The voice resonates in the room, goddess and avatar overlaid. "You're not so broken that you can't be fixed. But first I have to know what you /did/."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia seems content to let Jon sit in silence, taking the occasional sip of the quite delicious tea. She reaches out to snag another Fig Newton but her hand never reaches there, as when Jon opens their eyes, it's Ma'at looking at her.

    She freezes in panic, her eyes wide. This wasn't something she had expected to happen. This could bring the whole thing down and then.... and then...

    "I was broken," she finds herself saying, the words spilling out of her in a gasp. She struggles to stop herself, but like a moth caught in a spider's web the struggle only serves to snare her further. "The High Priestess showed me the only thing that could break me. She showed me my darkest fear, that Raven's engagement was a con all along."

    "It broke me, and the Predator was there to pick up the pieces. It doesn't need love, or empathy to survive," she says, the words spilling out of her mouth. "So I embraced it."

    Now that she's said it, anger rises up in her. "I knew what I was doing /Jon/. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to survive. I know that I'm not like what I was, but I'm /fine/. There's nothing /wrong/ with me. It's not like I'm going to end up eating babies, and bathing in the blood of virgins!"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "You're not fine, Lydia. I can see it in your eyes. You hurt. You hurt /so much/, and it's tearing you apart. What will you do, because you've convinced yourself it's okay?" Jon leans forward a little, the circlet on their brow shining a little, teal-brown eyes intent. "When I kill them, I give them another chance. I /only/ kill the ones who are unrepentant. Because I know," they tap the side of their head, "how easy it is to give into that power. Today you tell yourself it's okay to kill someone who's killed mutants. Tomorrow you tell yourself it's okay to kill someone who joined an anti-mutant group. Because you don't feel remorse, or guilt, or even any kind of... thanks for that which you consume, so that you can live."

    They swallow. "I don't want to have to hunt you down, Lydia. I don't want you to become one of the monsters I'm supposed to protect mortals from."

    And then they pause, thoughtful, and go on, "Maybe the trouble is that you presume that you can't survive without the Predator. The Beast. But I doubt the High Priestess would have let you out if that's all it was. There was a truth she was trying to help you see. You need to see it, to really thrive."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia rockets out of her chair, sending it flying backwards. "The truth is that I was denying what I was!" she seethes. "I was playing /pretend/ living out an unrealistic fantasy based on the fiction of my own novels. I had /everything/ handed to me on a silver platter, and anything that can be given, can be taken away."

    All the gold in her eyes are gone now, leaving nothing but red as she starts to pace back and forth. "If it wasn't for the Predator, I'd still be locked in that room, all sad and /pathetic/. If that wasn't the lesson then what was the point? Why be so cruel? No," she says, a sneer turning up the corner of a lip, showing a bit of fang. "I'm better off this way. Everything I have will have been obtained through my own work. I refuse to be given handouts anymore like some wretched beggar. No, I will /take/ what is /mine./"

    "I know my limits," she says, low. "I know where the line is. If you think that I'll cross it, you might as well start hunting me, because letting the Predator in has given me /peace/ and /freedom/ and I'll never give that up!"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon frowns, watching Lydia pace. "Oh," he says, and it's his own voice. "I see the problem. And you're absolutely right, in a way. You need to learn to be self-sufficient, because if you're not... then what happens if it's taken away? What would have happened, if you were cut off from the asteroid? Someone else providing your blood, without teaching you to hunt ethically, making sure you can survive without them..."

    He furrows his brow. "That's not right. That's not equal, and it isn't love. Not that I'm saying..." He holds up a hand. "Not that I'm saying Raven didn't love you. What I mean is... maybe you sensed that tension. When Cael moved in with me, I made sure she was on the lease, that she's paying what she can. That she has her own space, and an equal say in everything she wants to have a say in. Because she's a damned adult, and should have control over her own choices and her own life. And if anything happens to me... she needs to be able to handle it, and move on with her life, and not be fretting about where she lives."

    He sets the Seal notes aside and stands, reaching out his hands to Lydia. "There's nothing wrong with striking out on your own. Forging your own destiny, your own path. But it should be /yours/, not just the Predator's. It should be in /balance/. You know you need it in order to survive as a vampire, and you're right. But it shouldn't be in charge, either."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia's anger bleeds away from her, slowly melting away as Jon talks. She was so ready to /fight/ him in that moment. Hell, she was kind of looking forward to it, and there's something about that thought that strikes her as wrong.

    She frowns in confusion, trying to work out what it is that Jon is telling her, reflexively taking Jon's hands when offered. "I thought that's what I was doing," she says, eventually. "Isn't it? If the Predator was /truly/ in charge it'd be... eating babies and bathing in the blood of virgins."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Not right away," Jon says, reaching out to take Lydia's hands and squeezing them, with a faint smile. The teal fades, and he wavers for a moment as Ma'at recedes. He doesn't want to think about how the whole thing makes him feel. Not just now.

    A sigh. "You don't need to be eating babies to be a monster, Lydia. You just need to not give a damn about whatever pain you're causing." He swallows. "I killed a man, a couple of months ago. In the heat of battle. I was angry, and I used /far/ more force than I had to. Magical force. Enough to kill him. And I don't know... did he deserve it? Was he a good man, even as a gang member? Just trying to do his job, protect a man he'd promised to protect? I don't know. But killing him alone doesn't make me a monster. If I didn't feel bad, if I wasn't considering how I... approach his friends and family, make up for it? See whether it was a terrible thing? /Then/ I'd be a monster."

    His expression turns pained. "Lydia... Lydia, why would you /ever/ want to stop writing romance novels? That's how you helped us defeat Michael, remember? How can you say everything you've said today and tell me you're in charge?"

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia respects Jon too much not to contemplate the question set before her. "How can I /not/ be in charge?" she asks, her brow furrowing greatly. "I'm still... /me/. I feel it. It's not like I suddenly have different memories or anything. When I accepted the Predator, it became part of /me/."

    She shakes her head, "No, that's not really it. It's always been a part of me from the beginning, since I was turned. I just had always pushed it aside as something else. Even in the Duat with the Gate of Blood, I had thought I had accepted it as part of me, but I still viewed it as something else, something /different/."

    She looks up and gives Jon something of a wry grin, "But that was foolish of me. The Predator has always been a part of who I am. I was just too afraid to admit it, and when I finally accepted it..." she shrugs. "This is the result. Even if I wanted to go back I'm not sure I could, or even how I would accomplish that."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon considers that for a long moment. "I don't know if I'd say 'go back.' I wouldn't want to go back to what I was before. And besides... you've told me more than once you thought you were /fated/ to be a vampire. So this, the Predator? It's probably /always/ been a part of you, to some degree. Buried somewhere down inside you. And even if it wasn't, I'd think you'd almost have to be the kind of person who can handle this."

    He squeezes Lydia's hands again, gently. "Remember you told me your clan doesn't give up on being human entirely? It's reasonable to embrace what you are now. To accept the Predator, and move forward with it. But a predator can /feel/ things, Lydia. A predator can hurt, and love, and care. I mean... I just got a cat, and she's both a deadly hunter and a silly thing that loves to play and cuddle." A beat. "Maybe 'love' means something different for you now. Maybe caring does, too. But you should be... /Lydia/ the Vampire Queen, for whatever that means, not just a Vampire Queen."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia looks down to where their hands meet, running a pale thumb over the delicate skin of the back of their hand, pulling up the veins. She watches as blood rushes through the vessels, reminding herself that she cares for this person. She remembers that, the caring. She just... there's no /feeling/ associated with that word anymore, and with that revelation, a kind of emptiness.

    "A cat," she muses with a smirk. "I suppose there are worse things to be compared to. But I still feel things. Just not /those/ things. If I did I..." there's a slight crack in her voice, and she lets go of Jon's hand to turn her back on him to hide her face, "I'd break all over again."

Cael Becker has posed:
    The front door reopens as Cael returns, her phone tucked away and Bear still on her heels. "Sorry about that. Avenger woes are... whoa," she remarks in a wry tone, smiling at Jon and Lydia as she regards the pair, standing together and holding hands. "...everything's alright, yeah?" she asks, feeling the remaining hints of tension in the air. Or maybe it's the way Lydia is looking at Jon's wrist that worries her.
    She moves towards the pair, reaching out to place a hand on Jon's back - her left hand, leaving her right hand free.
    "You know... it's okay to break. That's- that's why we have friends, to help us get back up again. I mean, I missed whatever just happened, but- if you already broke, denying it ain't gonna help you heal."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Lydia turns away, and Cael comes in and puts her hand on Jon's back, and Jon... steps forward to wrap his arms around Lydia, tightly, pushing past every panicked worry about being touched. And anyway, he's initiating the hug.

    "She's right," they murmur. "It's okay to break. It's okay to need to be put back together. I broke, a couple of weeks ago. Or maybe I'd been breaking in slow motion for a while. And I'm still working on getting put back together. It takes time."

    They sigh. "But whatever it takes, we're here, okay? You're not alone." A beat. "And for fuck's sake, you /do/ know you can call if you're in desperate need of blood? I've got plenty to offer, and we know plenty of other people who might help. I don't--" He stops, before saying 'I don't want to have to help you hide the bodies.' Because /Cael/ is one of the people to hide the bodies from. How'd he wind up dating a cop, anyway?

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia stiffens when she's hugged from behind, not expecting such an intimate gesture so soon. "I don't want to feel that pain again," she says softly. "I don't-" she stops suddenly when a realization hits her. "Cowardice," she growls, her hands tightening to fists. "I am /such/ a coward!" Since she can't feel the pain of guilt of her actions, she can at least feel anger towards herself.

    "Easier to erase all love in your heart than to suffer the sting of loss!" she all but bellows, slashing at the air. "I am such a fool! And here I thought I had finally gone and accepted my fate and all I was doing was running from my emotions. What a child." She stands there, fuming for a good long while before admitting, "I don't know how to get it all back."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I've had times in my life where I numbed myself," Cael admits. "Most noteably... just after Alis died. I mean, that whole... year. Emotions and I were not on speaking terms."
    There were probably people who'd argue she still wasn't - not entirely.
    "I, uhh... wish I knew what to tell you on that front. For me, it's just... taken time. A lot of time." She reaches down to rest her hand on Bear's head, watching Jon hug Lydia, while staying just where she was.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I can try to find you a therapist who'll take vampire clients," Jon says. Yes, he's serious. Of /course/ he's serious. A year ago, /he/ would've taken a vampire for a client. He lets Lydia go and backs up a bit as she slashes at the air, not out of fear so much as giving her some space.

    "Other than that... I think you work through it. Figure out what you want from your life. Figure out what you're running from, and why. Figure out how to be self-sufficient."

    He glances to Cael and then back to Lydia. "Make sure you have people around that you care about, and that care about you. People that can keep you grounded."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia scowls darkly. "No, I don't think you understand. When I accepted the Predator into my heart it... /ate/ the capacity to feel love and empathy. Maybe even remorse." She turns around to look sternly at her two companions. "You have to understand that what I feel about what I've done isn't so much regret as anger at myself for being so weak."

    "I don't know if these are emotions I can feel anymore, and if I can... I don't know how. And there is a great part of me that thinks that there is nothing particularly /wrong/ with living without these feelings." She shakes her head with a smirk, "I only care because of some sense of pride, I imagine. I should be stronger than these emotions and I wish to prove myself against them."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Are you sure? Or is that just how it //feels// right now?" Cael counters bluntly. "Because- I'm sorry, but what's the point of continuing on at all, without the possibility of-" she glances at Jon for a moment. "Of love. Of being loved. I mean, not just romantic, but- What's- I spent years, only half-living. Subsisting on... purpose alone, I guess. It's not a good life." She shifts a bit uncomfortably, at being so open in front of Lydia - but it's the truth.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon frowns thoughtfully, looking between Cael and Lydia for a moment. "I think maybe... if it's a mystical sort of thing, maybe it'll need a mystical solution. Maybe we get a telepath, or you talk to the gods. Maybe we figure out a spell or..." They rub at their face. "I'm not sure. But we'll figure /something/ out."

    A pause, and then, "Presuming you want to. But even now--well, you can see it as proving yourself strong in all ways. In the real way, perhaps."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Cael's question causes Lydia to pause and assess. "How can I tell the difference?" she asks. "I look at my heart, I feel at the spaces where love existed and there is nothing." She shrugs. "Besides. There's more to life than love, really. I don't really find that I miss it."

    "Maybe," she tells Jon. "It took Ma'at to get me to see the truth, maybe we should go to Hathor to see if she can show me to love again."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "That's exactly the sort of thing I would have said... just a year or two ago, though," Cael points out bluntly. "I don't know. Maybe I'm just particularly clueless about this stuff, and you're right, and you can feel the difference, but- in my admittedly limited experience, when you're in the middle of this shit you can't really see what was going on with you until you get to the other side of it, somehow."
    She gives a shrug of her shoulders before adding, "But hey, if the Gods want to come help... why the hell not?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Hathor's definitely an idea," Jon says with a smile. "Although she might well have you learn to love rather... freely. I have heard some, ahh, gossip, through the grapevine." A brief smirk. "The gods, it turns out, /love/ to gossip. Or at least, Ma'at does."

    After a moment, "Cael's right, in a way. Usually, we can't see how horribly lonely we are when we're in the middle of it. A year ago, I would've told you I was /fine/ having no real friends aside from my husband. Now... I see how lonely I was, and how broken even my marriage was. How being apart is going to help us." A pause. "Hopefully with some help from fixing my lost memories. But..." He shrugs.

    They look Lydia for a long moment, like they're trying to see... have they changed her path? Is her aura stronger now?

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia can't help but laugh. "To go from loving too hard, to loving not at all, to loving all... I have to admit that there's a certain part of me that sees an appeal to it." She gives Jon something of a lopsided grin. "Maybe I'm not as far gone as you think."

    Lydia's aura has lost some of its sinister edge. There's a part of her that cares to regain what she's lost, perhaps not for quite the right reasons, but it's there. She's seeing it as not a way to regain the humanity that she's lost, but as a challenge to overcome.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Look, whatever floats your boat. I mean, I'm not exactly a traditional sort myself." Well. Even if she is, personally, in a monogamous, nearly heterosexual relationship.
    Jon's talk of how lonely he was prompts Cael to move towards him again, linking her own arm in with theirs, and giving a little squeeze. Not alone anymore, she clearly communicates without a word.
    Neither of them.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon leans into Cael for a moment, nodding at Lydia. He'll take what he can get, in terms of her aura. It's enough to work with, going forward.

    A squeeze to Cael, and then he goes over to pick up the notes on the Great Seal from where he'd left them when he got up to take Lydia's hands. "I'll see about arranging something with Hathor, if you want. We know enough of the other gods to get ahold of her."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia nods with another amused chuckle. "We do at that, don't we?" She shakes her head and starts to clear away the used mugs of tea. "Go see what you can arrange before I have a change of heart, as it were," she says. She seems to realize how much of a demand that came out as and dips her head. "Sorry. Please, if you could."

Cael Becker has posed:
    The little squeeze Cael gives Jon is meant to convey one, simple little message that has grown so easy for her she rarely even thinks about it anymore.
    Love you.
    It's easy to forget how painfully she struggled to get those words out a mere six months earlier.
    "Well. I think this is going to be more... Jon helping, than me helping, but... You know I've got your back too, right Lydia?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon nods, and hesitates a moment, and then goes to give Lydia another hug if she'll let him. Then he pulls back and smiles. "It's alright. I understand what you mean." He's really terribly patient with his friends.

    A sigh. "We ought to be getting home, though. Will you be alright?"

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
    Lydia allows herself to be hugged without complaint. "Of course, Cael," she says, giving her a smile. "You know that I have yours, too. Even in the state I'm in. You're my friends, no matter what happens."

    Breaking the hug she steps back and gives Jon a soft smile. "I'll be /fine/ Jon. Besides," she says gesturing to the dining room table laden with journals. "I've got plenty to keep me busy. I'll see you later, yes?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael nods, stepping towards Lydia after a moment of hesitation, to rest her hand on the woman's arm. That was... about as close to a hug as Cael could give, with a very small number of exceptions. After a nod she adds, "We'll stay in touch. And... yeah. Don't hesitate to reach out to us, okay?" she offers, before turning back towards the door.
    She glances at her watch for a moment, considering the time. If they're going to have time to watch the Rifftrax of the next Fast and Furious movie, they'd probably have to do take out... But they could figure that out in the car.