11911/Wonder How You've Been

Wonder How You've Been
Date of Scene:	03 July 2022
Location:	105 W 29th - Jon and Cael's Apartment
Synopsis:	Jon comes back from Wonderland and tells Cael he got eaten by the Jabberwock. They have a fight. They make up. They probably watch a Rifftrax.
Cast of Characters:	Cael Becker, Jonathan Sims

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Cael Becker has posed:
    It's quiet in the apartment. Jon was out doing who-knows-what. Agnes was out - she'd called Cael and asked if she could visit with a friend after her science camp. I mean, why should she stop the girl from hanging out with her nerd friend? Cael, for her part, with her guns finally back in her possession, is sitting at the table with a disassembled pistol in front of her, meticulously cleaning out old grease and reapplying it as necessary to keep the weapon in top condition, while some music plays in Spanish in the background. Even the pets are quiet - with all three seeming to be napping in a massive pile in front of one of the many windows.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    When Jon arrives back home, it's via portal from the Velvet Room, which is how he left. He looks bedraggled and exhausted, his chest bandaged and his armor conspicuously blood-stained and cut up. There's nicks and cuts on his face and arms too; it looks like he got a thousand paper-cuts, along with whatever the damage was to his chest. One can imagine him walking through a blizzard of paper, which definitely sounds like the kind of thing that might happen in Wonderland.

    "Hey," they murmur, hesitating in the hallway as the door closes behind them. They swing their head between the kitchen and the bedroom and then start for the kitchen. "Really need a cuppa. The Titans had tea and hot chocolate but I didn't want to leave you to worry too long." Their hair's a mess too. They really ought to start pulling it back when they're on missions.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Jon... sit. I'll put the kettle on," Cael promises him, setting down her gun barrel, and wiping her fingers on a rag. She moves towards him with a worried look, and leans in to give him brief kiss on the cheek.
    "Agnes asked me if she could go home from camp with her friend Sydney. God, do you know what a pain it is to get another parent to have permission to pick up a kid?" Yes. Yes, Jon probably does. "Anyways. She said she was going to have dinner with them."
    She continues past Jon as she's talking, washing her hands, before filling the electric kettle with filtered water. "Black tea, yeah?" she asks, as she presses the correct button on the kettle to get the water heating, and starts fixing up a tray with some of Jon's prefered tea leaves and other fixings, plus a scone, jam, and 'cream.'

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Earl Grey, actually," Jon says as they wobble at the entrance to the kitchen and then divert to go drop onto the couch. They lean into the back, tilting their head up to stare at the ceiling. "Bit of lemon. Plenty of sugar." Which for Jon means 'a metric fuckton.' "Thanks, love."

    "Sorry I wasn't here to handle that. S'just... it was go time, you know? Time to go save Wonderland. Which we did. Sort of. Kind of. Not really? Think I might've fucked things up. As per usual. Actually, I very nearly destroyed the place and then Terry had to take up the Regalia and now he's the Red King instead of the Red King. But the Titans will fix it. I'm sure." He's babbling, just a little.

    "Got eaten by the Jabberwock. Sorry about that. I know I promised."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Terry's a King? Why does that need to be- YOU WHAT?" A knife clatters down onto a cutting board as she abruptly aborts slicing out a wedge for Jon's tea.
    She whirls about to regard Jon over the kitchen's island as she adds, "You were //eaten//?" Her gaze scans over them, searching for signs of more grievous injury than the papercuts, and the bandages on their chest - but none seem to be presenting themselves. "You're... okay?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Didn't really have a /stomach/ per se? It was more like..." Jon frowns at the ceiling. "Kind of a... mmm. Another dimension? Inside the Jabberwock, which is inside another dimension, which is a whole... thing." They wave their hand. "That's where I got all of... this." They gesture at the cuts and the gash on their chest. "Leaves with edges like knives, and a /very/ angry lady with a sword. She did not like that I was asking questions."

    He swallows. "It's just... the Jabberwock had found the Red King. They were in the Wood of No Names, and I knew I could remember, because I remember... /almost/ everything. And the others, they might've forgotten. Or worse. I just. I had to... I was trying to protect them. To protect the Red King. I'm sorry."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "So you threw yourself at a monster alone, and got eaten. And we're lucky that- that this is all that happened? Jon..." Cael closes her eyes for a moment, then moves towards them to wrap them into a hug tight enough to be painful - especially given their injuries. "There has to be another way. You can't just- just- //do// things like that. You can't just keep... sac- rificing yourself." The pain, and fear in her voice is obvious, as she struggles to get the words out.
    What if things go badly the next time? What if she's left here - alone. With Agnes.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I thought I could hold it off, while they got help." Jon doesn't really react to the hug, aside from a grunt of pain. "I thought... I thought I could pull it out of the Wood of No Names, maybe, get it to chase me. But it just... grabbed me by the ankle, and pulled me up, and ate me whole."

    Their brow furrows. "And yet, really, that's precisely what needed to happen, because Alais was in the Jabberwock. So... maybe it's not that I'm an incompetent fool, and just that it was fated?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I'm not saying that you're an incompetent fool, Jon. I'm saying that- ...your tendency to throw yourself in front of the bullet terrifies me. It does." Cael continues to squeeze Jon tightly - momentarily ignoring the click of the kettle reaching temp. "You gotta try to find another plan. Even if it worked out this time you can't- can't keep letting yourself believe that that means that- that it's okay, that it's a good idea. Please."
    She pulls back enough to peer at Jon's face with a worried expression, tears streaking her cheeks.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "So who should have done it instead?" Jon says softly, still not moving. Still staring at the ceiling. "Michael Hannigan, who's shown /no/ such tendencies and who isn't even sure how his powers work? Garfield Logan, who held the Cheshire at the time and thus might've /actually/ been eaten? The /16 year old/ who thinks she's a damn Jedi?"

    Suddenly he sits up, almost glaring down at Cael. "Or should I have let Wonderland burn? Just... let the Jabberwock eat the Red King, and doomed all the people who live there, and maybe destroyed Terry in the process?"

    He shakes his head. "Bloody hell, Cael, it's not like I have a death wish. It's not like I throw myself in front of bullets all the damn time. But you /do/ know that it's possible that if I did, I'd be fine, right? Most of the other avatars of the gods can take mortal wounds and shrug them off--and if they /do/ die, they come right back. I'm... I'm not /mortal/ anymore, Cael. You get that, don't you?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Don't get angry with me," Cael shoots back in frustration, tears still filling her eyes. "You come back and tell me you were eaten and- how the fuck do you think I'm doing to react?" She pulls away to start pacing the room, wiping tears from her eyes in irritation.
    "I'm not saying that //someone else// should have done it. I'm not saying that you should have let Wonderland 'burn.' I'm saying- You- you've got this habit of taking it all on yourself and- you can't fucking tell me you don't. You take on too much, alone, all- all on your shoulders, and- it's- it's not always going to work out."
    She's looking away from Jon as she finishes talking - her shoulders tensing at his final declaration, before she glances back towards him again - something in her gaze almost lost, and confused.
    It's entirely likely that, no. She doesn't get that - not entirely.
    "I... I said I was going to get your tea," she declares a bit lamely, before walking back into the kitchen area to pour the water over the leaves.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon closes his eyes for a moment, wincing and pressing a hand to his chest. "I expected you'd be upset. It's okay that you're upset. It's just... I don't... I don't know what you want me to do. I'm a /superhero/, Cael. Taking the weight of the world on our shoulders and jumping in front of bullets is part of the job description."

    He frowns out the window. "It's just... you're not being... look, I understand how /hard/ this is. I do. I had to watch Martin go to terribly dangerous work for /years/, and he didn't have the backing of a god. And I didn't even know what he /did/. He'd come home bandaged and half the time he couldn't tell me because it was classified and the other half he had to elide details for patient privacy. I never knew, day in and day out, whether I'd get a call from Chief Carter that he'd been killed in the line of duty. And now... now he's not even in this /dimension/, and I'm supposed to just... sit around and wait for him to come back. So I've been... I /understand/, okay? I do. More than you can possibly imagine."

    The frown deepens. "But I didn't... I understood that the worry and the waiting and the danger was part of being with him. I married a spy, a man who was willing to die to protect the world. That's what I signed up for." A pause. "Can you tell me /you're/ not willing to die, to save the world? How do you think /I've/ felt, when you go out into the field, a normal human with no powers? How do you think I felt when you put the damn amulet back? Did I yell at you, insist you keep it? I mean, one time, /one/ time, I freaked out about it, yeah. Because I worry. Because that's natural. But it's not... it's... Cael, god damn it, you /freak out/ every time I'm in the slightest danger and you have /got/ to stop. I have a dangerous job, and if I stop doing it I'll stop being /me/. I'm not asking you to stop field work because it's dangerous, so how can you..."

    They shake their head and run their hand through their hair. "I'm not saying this right," they grumble.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "We're both willing to die to save the world. But that's not what I'm- I'm not asking you to stop fighting. I'm not. This is- you got //eaten,// Jon! You took on... a very dangerous creature, alone. I don't- I go in with a team. With a plan. We work together. I don't- I'm not alone. I'm never alone. There are people who've got my back, who- when do I ever take it all on my shoulders, alone? Tell me when you've seen me do that?" she asks, turning back to look towards Jon.
    She lingers in the kitchen for a moment - before forcing herself to pick up the finished tray, to bring over towards Jon.
    "Maybe I'm not saying it right, either."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I had a team, Cael! For fuck's--I'm not /reckless/, okay? I'm not stupid! I'm not running off alone, getting in trouble! Even with... even when Elias trapped me, I left notes and clues, I left my hair, so people could come /find/ me. And yeah, /that/ was reckless and stupid, but in my defense I didn't think they'd have a fucking circle specifically constructed to contain me!"

    Jon glares at Cael. "You know why I'm mad? Because you don't even have all the damn details, and you're just /assuming/ that I was alone. That nobody had my back. When I just told you, I /had/ three people with me, and those people /could not go where I went/. But you know what they /did/ do? They went back and got everyone /else/ to help me. It's... it's just... why won't you /trust/ me? Why do you keep acting like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing? I've come back, /every/ time, and every time you act like because I didn't do it they way /you/ would have, I'm being reckless."

    They shake their head, ignoring the tea. "You weren't /there/, Cael. You don't... I haven't even had a chance to /explain/ what happened. I mean, fuck, at least let me explain everything before you tear into me about it. I made a damn tactical decision, okay? That happens. You /know/ that happens. But you just... why don't you trust me? At least enough to let me explain exactly what happened?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael turns away after setting down the tray, her arms wrapping around her middle as she stands there in silence. Bear, arrounsed by the angry voice, pushes himself to his feet, padding over towards Cael to nudge at her, trying to get her attention focusd on him. For the moment, Cael ignores the dog.
    "I am listening. I know you weren't alone, but you already said- you went into that wood alone. You went in there alone, because you thought no on else could- remember. And you faced this thing alone, and it //ate// you. What else do you think I need to know? What important pieces do you think I'm missing? I //get// all that, Jon."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I didn't /think/ no one else could, Cael. I /knew/. You don't--" Jon reaches up to pull off his glasses and pinch the bridge of his nose. "The Red King was sleeping in the Wood of No Names. People /forget/ themselves in there. Not just their names, but /everything/. They don't remember they are people. So if /anyone/ else had jumped through that portal, they would have forgotten why they were there, and wound up in the same damn position I was."

    He huffs out a breath. "The /plan/ was that... there was a team keeping the Jabberwock busy elsewhere. We were coming at the Wood through the dream underlying Wonderland, using Mike's powers. When we found the King, we came up with a plan--Madison had a telescope that could grab things from afar. We were going to open a quick portal to the 'waking' side, Madison was going to grab the King, and I wasn't going to be in any danger at all."

    They sigh. "And then the Jabberwock showed up. I guess the portal alerted it. And I knew that I was the only one that could hold it off long enough for Madison to grab the King. And I thought--I /genuinely/ thought I might be able to hold it long enough for them to go get help. But I also knew, in that moment, that completing the mission meant keeping the Jabberwock off the Red King long enough for them to grab him and bring him back."

    He shakes his head. "Trust me, if there'd been another way? If I thought anyone else could've gone through with me? I wouldn't have been alone. If the Red King hadn't been in such /immediate/ danger I wouldn't have jumped in. I made a decision, in the heat of battle, and it turned out to be the /right/ one. I survived, and I found out what I needed to in order to help the Red King reconcile with Alais. I trusted the others to go back and get help, and they /did/. The only place I /actually/ fucked up was in not thinking through the fact that the Red King not /grieving/ anymore would take away the foundation of Wonderland."

Cael Becker has posed:
    The silence that follows is a bit longer than one of Cael's usual pauses to gather her thoughts, and her breathing is just unsteady enough, along with a faint quaver of her shoulders, to give away what's really happening.
    She's crying.
    He won't see things her way. He won't even admit she even has a point - so what can she possibly do?
    Bear continues to push his weight into her, trying to get her to sit down, or pet him, or even acknowledge his presence - but he continues to be ignored.
    "And nobody had a ranged ability that might have held it back? You couldn't have used shields to hold it back - or to guard this portal? You couldn't have been grabbed the same way the King was grabbed? You couldn't have let it come through the portal to face it as a group, together, instead of facing it alone? There was really no other option? You don't think- you don't think I have any point here at all? That you don't- don't go throwing yourself in the way even more than-" She shakes her head helplessly, at a loss for what else to say.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "It wasn't coming for us. It was going for the King. Who was /on the other side of the portal/." Jon's tone is firm. "But this is my point--you don't /trust/ me. You presume that you, when you /weren't there/, must know better than I did, what to do. And even if there was a better way? I didn't have the fucking time to think everything through. I acted. And, yes, I acted in a way that put me in danger. Instead of the fucking /children/."

    He shakes his head. "Even if you have a point? I'm a superhero. That's literally what we /do/. And I am tired of you /punishing/ me for that. I am /tired/ of doing the right thing and being told that I'm horrible because it hurts you. If I treated you the way you treat me, I'd have insisted you keep the fucking amulet. I'd be insisting you stay a werejackal. Because you going out with no powers /terrifies/ me, but I don't bitch at you because it's your choice, and it's the right thing to do. Stop treating me like I'm made of glass. Just..."

    They close their eyes, and shake their head. "Stop being so damn /selfish/ for five seconds, please. You're not going to lose me, and I am /exhausted/, trying to convince you of that. It's affecting everything I do."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "That isn't what I'm //saying.// That isn't what-" Cael shakes her head helplessly. What can she do? Yell at him? What good does that do? He's still fucking depressed. Hurting. Anxious about his missing magic, and memories..
    "Fine, Jon. Fine," she says in a defeated sounding tone. "I'm glad you're alright," she adds without turning back toward him. "I, uhh- Bear and I are going for a walk," she declares abruptly, heading for the door.
    She needs out. She needs to run - maybe hit the gym, for go for a run around the neighborhood. Top it off with a drink in the Velvet Room - anything other than being in //here// right now.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Cael, that's not--" Jon stands, and reaches out a hand. "Please, don't... look, just..."

    They clench their jaw. "I am listening. Okay? I am listening. I /always/ listen. But I need you to listen to /me/. Please. Just... just go, if you need to, first. But when you come back... /listen/? Please?"

    A moment, and then, "I'm sorry. I said I was sorry. I /am/. I just... I don't know what else you want me to /do/."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael pauses with her hand on the door knob, her other hand trailing down onto Bear's back. "I am listening. I- I love you. I don't want to argue. I am listening, and- I'm sorry that you worry about me so much, and I wish there was something I could do to fix that, but- I just- you don't even think I have any sort of valid point. That- that maybe you do have a tendency to take the bullet. You don't see that at all, and I just- I-" Her hand tightens around the knob, but for the moment - she remains in the room.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Yes I do," Jon says, standing there, staring at Cael with tears in his eyes. "That's what I'm /saying/. Maybe you're right, in that, it's just... I don't know what else... you want me to do? It's... it's not like it's... it's part of who I /am/, Cael. It's..."

    He swallows. "Lyra died," he says slowly, "because I froze. But my /first/ instinct wasn't to freeze. It was to charge the Frost Giant. And I could /hear/ Martin telling me not to be stupid. Not to be a hero. Because... because that's my /first/ instinct. Every time. To jump in the way. To jump /at/ the threat, and protect other people. But... but when I /don't/ listen to that instinct? People die. When I hesitate, when I freeze in indecision... Lyra died, and Tim, and Martin, and... and... and, hell, I could've run up and taken 'A Guest for Mr. Spider' from Matthew, but I thought Gran would be mad if I did."

    He takes a couple of steps toward her, reaching out a hand. "I'm not arguing your point. You're right. I just... I just don't know what else you want me to do."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Some of the tension eases out of Cael's shoulders at this admission. At least he sees it too. At least he knows.
    "I don't know. I don't know how to fix this. You- you come how hurt, and say you got //eaten// and- and what? How do you expect me to react? It scares me. And- I- I know we have to make split second decisions sometimes, I just- I wish..." Wish what? She can't find the words she's looking for, so she doesn't even try, but she does finally look back towards Jon again with a tear-streaked face.
    "I didn't yell at you, for the thing with Elias. You were protecting me, and your daughter. And- you can't lie. If you'd told us... I get it. I didn't get mad at you, so- why are you hurling that at me? Why is it so awful that- why are you so mad at me?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Because... because you said... I expected you to be worried. To be upset. I didn't... I didn't expect..."

    Jon frowns. "You said I... I have to find another plan. That it's not okay. That it's not a good idea. I... I just... I have been going through... a /lot/ lately, trying to... to figure out what I believe the right thing to do is, and getting a lot of pushback from people not trusting me to make the right... moral decisions. When that's... literally I am an avatar of the goddess of /morality/ and /justice/ and I'm... /arguing/ with her all the bloody time about what's moral and just."

    They swallow. "Cael... when I said I wanted to die, it's not that I wanted to /die/. It's that... I don't want to be Ma'at's avatar anymore. Sometimes I don't even want to be Archivist. Because what's the point of coming back, if the work I do now just makes my friends and my girlfriend angry with me all the time? It's not just you, it's... I doubt myself, constantly, and when I doubt myself I do the wrong thing. I fuck up. But then... I /don't/ doubt myself, and I do the /right/ thing, the noble thing, the honorable thing... and... and you tell me... I have to stop? I... I don't..."

    They look down at their hand, blinking, and tears spill over. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Trust myself, and make people mad? /Not/ trust myself, and fuck up, and make people mad? I can't... I can't do /anything/ right."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael let's go of the doorknob finally to wrap her arms around Jon instead, resting her head against their chest. "I'm not angry at you," she says firmly. "I'm scared. I'm... a little hurt, right now - but I'm not mad. Okay? I love you, and I believe in you, and I think you're one of the most good, and moral people I know - and I know Captain-fucking-America and the Falcon, you know?" she remarks, still holding Jon - but more gently than she had earlier.
    "We all fuck up. I have fucked up plenty in my life. And... and I think being able to say 'well, that was dumb, how do we do it better next time?' is- it's important. So- so even if it's just saying something like, 'oh. Maybe I //could// have used my shields to hold the fucking monster back long enough to save the King...' or- or... whatever. Then the next time- maybe that's the first thought that comes into your head when you need to act. You know? I- it's not that what you did was //wrong.// It's not that- that awful, because you're not. I just- it's just that I'm scared. And- and I think we should be able to talk it out without screaming at each other. So that- maybe the next time we- we might find a better way. You know?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I don't think I could have, Cael. That's the thing. I don't know if I could have cast a spell through the portal. I don't know if my magic would've manifested on the other side." Jon sighs, and goes ahead to wrap his arm around her.

    "Even if there /was/ a better way that didn't put me in as much danger--I /hurt/, Cael. I hurt, and I'm exhausted, and /right now/ isn't the time to go over it. And you doubling down on 'but couldn't you have--' doesn't help me feel... there's no acknowledgement that I made a good choice, in the moment. There's no acknowledgement that holding the Jabberwock off with the shields wouldn't have let me find Alais. Someone /had/ to get in there and unravel the knot, because I didn't even know what was /wrong/ entirely. So /I made the right choice/, in that instance."

    They sigh. "I would've had to go there anyway. Maybe it would've been better if it'd been on purpose, with a team--but /right now/, when I'm hurting? Before /any/ acknowledgement that, hey, you came home, you did good...? It's just... you don't... the first thing you say isn't 'I trust you and I believe in you,' it's... anger, and hurt. I get that you're scared, I do, I just..."

    A frown. "I... I don't know that /anyone/ believes in me. I just get... so much pushback, and it's... I know some of it's just /me/. My own insecurities. And I'm working on that. But it's not... you didn't say 'you must have had a good reason, so tell me what it is,' you said I can't do that anymore. I get why, but I... I'm..."

    They sob, suddenly. "Didn't... didn't you /hear/ me, Cael? Terry's... Terry sacrificed himself. To hold up Wonderland. And it's my fault. And... and /that's/ where I fucked up, and I don't... I don't know how to help him. Or fix it. And I'm tired. And I hurt. And I'm just so tired of re-examining every bloody thing I do. This isn't a SHIELD op, and you're not my supervisor, I just got home from working with a bunch of /children/ to save another dimension and I had to let Ma'at in and tell the Jabberwock the story about Lyra dying and giving away Agnes and I'm just... /so/ tired."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael pulls back just enough to look Jon in the eyes, her expression firm, and determined. "Jon... I'm not angry. I wasn't angry. I was surprise, I was scared - I wasn't angry. Alright? And- you're right. It's not the time, it just- it caught me off guard. You came home and said '//I was eaten.//' I don't- in what world would anyone react well to that? You know?"
    Cael gives Jon another hug, murmuring into his chest. "Let's sit down so you can drink your tea. Okay?"
    Only once she's got Jon settled back on the couch, and she's tucked in beside them - only once she's had the space to think a little does she say anything else. "I am glad you're home. I'm glad you're safe. I'm glad... Wonderland's alright? Yeah? I don't understand what you mean about Terry. You said he was a King? That's... a bad thing?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon lets himself be led back to the couch, and sat down--and he's only got the one arm, so he holds his tea with that hand while he says, "He's asleep, Cael. He's dreaming. That's the foundation of Wonderland--a dream. The Red King's dream was one of grief and guilt, and it was torturous and painful, and... and it couldn't stand. It just couldn't. One man, in all that pain, just to support a world?" He shakes his head. "There's another answer, I know there is, it's just... I had to knock out his boyfriends, to drag them home. I had to reassure other Titans it'd be fine. And it will, somehow, but they wouldn't all be hurting right now if I'd thought about it ahead of time. I had some inkling, I just... I don't know. I could have done better. I /should/ have done better. But it was a Titans op, so I... I trusted Terry. And he /did/ have a plan."

    They furrow their brow. "I know you're not angry with me. I just... I can't quite... believe it. You should be. And I don't know why you're not."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "//Why// should I be angry at you, Jon? What good does that do? It hurts us both - it accomplishes nothing. I don't want to be angry at you."
    That said, Cael falls silent for a few moments before she adds, "As long as Terry sleeps - Wonderland survives. But if we wake Terry up, it dies? Unless another solution is found?" She frowns at that, and then sighs. "I'm sorry. I know you care about him - hell, //I// like him. We'll- someone'll figure it out. But- so I have a whole picture, who the hell is Alais and why does finding some woman matter?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Alais was the daughter of the Red King. He was a human sorceror who lived several hundred years ago. She died, in an accident I think, and he fell into a magical sleep and dreamed up Wonderland to try to forget." Jon sips the tea and smiles. "It's drinkable," he murmurs. That's a high compliment, for Cael's tea. "A /touch/ too much sugar, though. But thank you."

    Then he goes on, "Anyway, back in the 1860s, Alice Liddell stumbled on Wonderland in a dream, and she reminded the Red King of Alais. She also told her parents' friend, Charles Dodgson, who wrote down the story and published it as 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' under the pen name of Lewis Carroll. Evidently, Wonderland reacted to Alice's first visit by creating the Jabberwock, which Alice discovered when she went back--which became 'Through the Looking Glass.'"

    He smirks. "It turns out that he transcribed some of the information incorrectly. It turned out the key to defeating the Jabberwock was not a 'vorpal sword.' It was 'Vorpal's word.' Terry gave everyone weapons that they used to defeat the Jabberwock, by telling them how and why he believed in them."

    "Anyway... Alais, the King's daughter, was trapped inside the Jabberwock. Or rather... her spirit was, I think. I found her in there, using Ma'at's magic and my own... there was a woman there, I don't know who she was. A reflection of the desire for silence and forgetting. I told her a story, and it distracted her enough for Alais to stab her and give me a message for the King. And then I came out of the Jabberwock while it, ahh... breathed fire." Well, that explains the singe-marks.

    He glances to Cael. "...Alis. You should be mad at me about Alis. Alis Swain, I mean, not Alice Liddell."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "What?" Responding to anything she'd just learned about Wonderland is completely forgotten as she turns towards Jon to stare at him. "You didn't kill her," she says simply. "You didn't- take her from me. //She made a choice,//" she reminds Jon. "She saved me, so I could go back to you. She wanted me to go back to you. Why the fuck would I get mad at you?"
    Cael puts her hand behind Jon's head, staring him directly and purposefully in the eyes. "It's not your fault my sister is gone."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Yes it is," Jon says, like this is a self-evident fact. "If I hadn't... if I hadn't frozen, if I'd /healed/ you, then you wouldn't have died, and she wouldn't have had to make that choice. I was /right there/, in time, and I couldn't even think to /stabilize/ you, let alone heal you. I just... I saw the threads, that it was your fate to die there, and I panicked. I gave up. And... and now Alis is gone."

    They swallow. "I... I didn't trust myself, and you lost your sister. That's... that's why I'm trying to... to trust myself. My instincts. To follow what I think is right. But then I... keep fucking up. Whether or not I do what I think is the right thing... I trusted myself, going after Javier, but you got mad at me for how I handled that. So then I... I doubted my ability to handle the Alhambras, and /Garfield/ got mad at me for how I handled /that/. I refused to name Viktor Johanssen the Sun King, and Ma'at did it anyway. I jumped at the Jabberwock so we could help the Red King, and that scares you. I helped the Red King, and that almost destroyed Wonderland. I can't... I can't figure out how to... I have to do better, but I'm /not/ doing better. I'm just making everything worse."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I was not in my right mind when you went after Javier," Cael points out bluntly. "And Jon," her tone is firm, and she continues to hold his gaze, "It is not your fault I lost my sister. You did not take her from me. I am not angry with you. It is not your fault, and I want to hear you fucking say it. It's not your fault that Alis is gone."
    She holds his head a few moments longer, and releases it with a heavy sigh. "And Javier..." She looks away towards the city for a moment, then back to Jon. "He was a piece of shit. He was a monster. I- I'm still sorry about the boy he used to be, but he wasn't that boy anymore. I just- I think making people suffer is wrong. But... I mean, I did it too, yeah? To Elias, so- but that doesn't make me a bad, or immoral person, just that one thing, it just means that I- maybe I should be more careful. I should- //I// don't want to behave like that again, and maybe it's wrong of me to force //my// morals on you and Ma'at. Morals are subjective. If what I said- you and Ma'at get to decide for yourselves, what's right for you. Morally... emotionally. And whatever that is, it'll be alright, because you're a good man."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon just stares at Cael for a long moment, tears springing to his eyes. Then he suddenly puts the tea cup down and leans in to bury his head on her shoulder and sob. Just that, for a couple of minutes. Just... sobbing, and clinging to Cael like she's keeping him afloat so he doesn't drown.

    Finally, "I-I've been... I've been so... I c-couldn't... I still can't figure out what I think was the right thing to do, because I was so mad at myself for... for fucking up. And confused that you weren't mad, and... and..."

    They have to stop, and start sobbing again. "S-sorry. I'm... I'm sorry."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "It's alright, Jon. It's alright," Cael promises them quietly, both of her arms wrapped around them, and her own head resting against theirs. "We've both been through some shit - you know?" she remarks wryly. "...I love you."
    Then with a wry smile she adds, "Those aren't the words I told you to say, love. 'It's not my fault," she persists. "You really should say it, because it's true."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    There's a kind of wheezing, creaking sound, and then Jon sobs again. "I can't. I don't believe it, so I can't."

    They pull back, to stare at Cael with very wide eyes, magnified by tears. "How is it not my fault? /How/? At least a /little/ bit? I'm a doctor. I'm supposed to heal people. I could have healed you. And I /froze/. I gave up on you. I saw that you were supposed to die and I--I forgot the /first fucking rule/ of magic. That it is will made manifest. That it is a middle finger to fate. That it is looking at the world and telling it to do what you want, and fuck what physics or logic says."

    A sniffle. "So how is it not, at least in /some/ part, my fault that your sister is gone?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Because this is //my// will made manifest. I won't blame you. And I won't let this drive a wedge between us. Because... you did the best you could, in the shittiest fucking circumstances possible. Because you did not //cause// it, Jon. You did the best you could, in that moment. The person that you were then. You learned from it, and you're becoming a better person who can do more next time." Cael meets Jon's gaze with a stubbornly determined expression, reaching up to rest one hand on their cheek.
    "You didn't cause it. You didn't take my sister from me. It's not your fault. Am //I// lying, Mariposa? How do I give you my truth?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon closes his eyes. "I'm trying to hear it. I'm trying to believe it. I am. I just--I'm so used to blaming myself. For everything. I'm so used to being terrified of the anger I feel when I realize how /fucked up/ that is."

    They take a deep breath, and then do something they normally /don't/ do around Cael. They let down the walls they've built up to keep out everyone else's thoughts and feelings, to let themself /feel/ what Cael feels, and not just see it in her aura.

    "You really don't blame me," he whispers. Sniffles, and leans into Cael's hand on his cheek. He tries to turn the situation around, to see it from outside himself and his own grief and guilt. And then he laughs.

    "I think I see why the Jabberwock wanted to eat me. I keep building up my own Jabberwocks, in my own head. Pushing away the pain, and pushing away the people in the process. Blaming myself, so when someone comes blaming me I can say 'See? I get it. Please don't hurt me, I'm already hurting myself.' Because I'm afraid of--of--"

    He stops. Swallows. "There's something there. Something that... I can't... remember. Something happened, and I don't..." His brows furrows. "It was my fault. She... she did it because of me. It's my fault she's... gone? No. Not gone. Different? Changed? She left, and it's my fault. Who--?"

    They open their eyes, and shake their head. "I don't remember. I need to remember. But I... I can see..." They swallow. "It's not my fault that Alis is gone." A wry smile. "Not... mostly, anyway."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael smiles genuinely as Jon repeats the words - though she rolls her eyes at the qualifer. "Not. Your. Fault," she continues to insist, before giving Jon a gentle kiss.
    "We'll get to the bottom of your missing memories, and I'll be there for you when we do. It's okay to be okay, Jon Petunia Sims." It just keeps getting worse and worse. "I love you - okay? Whatever happens. However I may screw up. Whenever I use the wrong words, or- I don't know. No matter what, I love you, and we'll sort it out in the end."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon giggles. /Giggles/! "Petunia?" They lean in to kiss Cael. "Silly person," they murmur as they do.

    Another sniffle. "I'm sorry I got so mad. I'm sorry I... I scared you. I am. I don't know how to fix the whole 'jump in front of bullets' thing, except... I'm sturdier than you think I am, okay? If I do it more, now, it's because in a lot of cases I'm more likely to survive than someone else. I mean, I wouldn't take a bullet for Rien, say, or Marc, or Robbie. That'd just be silly. I can't be sure of my deathlessness, but we've proven theirs. I'm not trying to be a martyr. Okay?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Petunia," Cael confirms firmly.
    She smiles at Jon - but it's a little sad, given the topic. "I- I understand," she answers. "But I can't promise I won't- you know, react badly in the future. But I meant what I said before - talking things over, trying to find another solution afterwards, it- it could help in the future. Like learning how to improve your healing magic will help in the future, yeah?" she points out.
    After another brief kiss she adds softly, "Are you really that mad at me, though? About the amulet? About- not wanting to be a //jackal//?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon shakes his head. "I'm not mad, love. I'm /worried/. It terrifies me, that you go out in the world and do what you do, without powers. I'd sleep easier, if you were tougher, had a healing factor."

    A pause. "But I'm not going to insist you keep something you promised to put back, or remain something you don't want to be, just to assauge my fears. Because--you're right. You heal at a /normal/ rate. It's not... it's not a /weakness/."

    He sighs and closes his eyes, leaning his head against hers. Then says, "I need a shower. And then... hmm. A movie? Something ridiculous, just to get our minds off of things."