3808/Uncanny Assassination

Uncanny Assassination
Date of Scene:	14 October 2020
Location:	Upstate New York
Synopsis:	Sally is assassinated by Deadpool. It doesn't take.
Cast of Characters:	Sally Houki, Heidi Ingerdottir, Wade Wilson

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Sally Houki has posed:
It is an absolutely beautiful, fall afternoon in upstate New York.

Sally and Heidi had decided that it was time for one of their picnics and so Sally, dressed in a bright piunk dress adorned with bows and rainbows, has driven Heidi out of town, to a lovely field hours outside of the city. There, they have laid down the infamous chekcered picnic blanekt, and brought with them the equally infamous very painfully normie picnic basket.

Sally is seated, beaming at Heidi as she props her back up against a tree, a couple of dried leaves already finding their way to float down on her from above. It's getting towards autumn, after all, and she puffs them away from her while she takes the paper plate that HEidi has given to her. She's talking casually, apparently about a kitten vide she watches, and then she's reaching for her phone to show her.

In other words, she is painfully adorable.

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
Heidi never quite gets the hang of wearing Midgardian clothing, despite the fact that she has a small collection of it now (more clothes than she's ever owned!) so she tends to wear clothing that falls in the realm of leggings and a tunic. So the blonde Asgardian's currently dressed in black leggings, and an oversized navy blue tunic, as well as boots. Dark in contrast to Sally's light.

She lounges casually, tending to the food in the picnic basket, pulling out way more than either of them really need. "The fact that you can just find kittens whenever you want them is one of the marvels of Midgard," she assesses.

Wade Wilson has posed:
It's just one of those days, all about the he said to go assassinate Uncanny Sally bullshit. So Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, accepts the job.

TARGET DETAILS

Name: Uncanny Sally

Powers: UNKNOWN. Contractor implied that she's Cthulhu, has secret tentacles, is a dangerous reality horror. THIS IS HOT. Do not be distracted.

Persdonality: DEVIOUS

Contractor Grievance: 'Uncanny Sally is someone I paid to do a job once, and then I wanted to date, and she said... I WILL DEVOUR YOUR WORLD, BECAUSE I REFUSE TO DATE SOMEONE AS NICE AS YOU, AND YOU CAN DO NOTHING TO STOP ME!!! She didn't just say no, I'm not just mad and bitter about it, she DEFINITELY threatened the world, so she HAS to die!!!

Anyway, Wade suddenly drops out of the tree, wearing full Deadpool garrb. He pulls both guns out, aiming them. "Put your hands where I can see 'em, Cutethulu! This is an //assassination//! I'll stop you from destroying America's Earth if it's the last thing I do!!"

He looks between them, then insists, "I am //definitely// going to shoot!!!"

Sally Houki has posed:
"I knoiw, right?! The internet is like amazing. I mean, LOOK AT THIS KITTEH," says Sally, holding up her phone to Heidi just as Wade arrives and declares that this is an assassination. She doesn't even seem to notice, at first. Heidi, and the absolutely adorable, floppy kittens on her foldphone's screen are her world. She holds her phone up for Heidi's eyes and then sloooowly turns her eyes towards Deadpool. Yes, it's Deadpool. She holds up a single finger towards him (no not that one), as if to say 'just a second', before turning the phone to him. "Okay, but first... kittens!" She lets him see the floppy, squeaky kittens.

What part about being assassianted does she not get?

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
While Heidi's instincts are defensive, she's often found that Sally just has Weird Stuff happen. So the Asgardian doesn't move instantly, though there's a protective hand near Sally's arm as she glances in Deadpool's direction. "Hail!" It's a cheerful enough greeting, albeit not her /overly/ sparkly attitude. After all, he did say something about assassinating...

"You don't really sound like you want to shoot, friend. If you want to shoot... perhaps after lunch. There are cupcakes." That, she's found, is the road to getting anyone to calm themselves.

Wade Wilson has posed:
"I'm well aware that my contractor, Billy Bombarder, asked Uncanny Sally on a date, and she threatened to destroy Earth! I, Deadpool, //superhero// who the X-Men lets sleep on their couch and eat their food, can't let this happen!" Wade takes a deep breath, aiming his guns at Sally with more intent. He somehow opens and closes the eyes of his mask while thinking.

"They didn't tell me in Canadian Special Forces that I'd have to break up a cute lesbian couple's date! This isn't fair!!!" He stares up at the sky, then just starts speaking. "Why Thor, the only god I've confirmed the existence of, why Thor, why is this happening to me!!!"

Sally Houki has posed:
"Her cupcakes are *amazing*," concurs Sally. "Actual Goddess Kaminari even says they're the best!" She's nodding her agreement with Heidi's words. Cupcakes make everything better, and honestly, tehy're just that good when they come from an ASgardian baker!
 % She is still holding her phone up towards Deadpool, though, because kittens. They too make everything better. "Oh my god, it's Deadpool! I heard about you! You're like... awesome!" She points a finger at him, "And if I have to get assassinated by anyone today, I'm definitely glad it's going to be you. I mean, you're COOL, right? I'm just glad it's not like ... you know ... wait did you say Billy?" She blinks her eyes, her mind slowly catching up to what's going on.

"I don't remember a Billy."

This could be part of the problem.

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
"Oh, you know Prince Thor?" Heidi asks, excitedly. "He is someone I consider a very good friend even if he gives me far too much credit. He is a very noble soul." But Sally's mentioning Deadpool, which gets the blonde to tilt her head curiously. "Is 'Deadpool' a traditional Midgardian name? I can't say I've heard of a name like that before. Although if he's an assassin, it does make sense to have 'dead' in the name..."

There's the slightest hint of worry that he's /actually/ going to shoot, but she's aware of Sally's situation much more than the merc with the mouth is... so there's less of a threat of danger, as far as she's aware. "Oh, perhaps one of the other yous did it?"

Wade Wilson has posed:
"Listen, I know I'm cool, everyone thinks I'm cool, no one finds me annoying!" Wade starts saying rather defensively as the insecurity takes over from a //compliment//.

"I've never met Thor, but I've seen him on TV! So just in case I die one day and stay dead, I'm trying to make sure I follow all of Thor's commandments. Like drinking large beers." He finally sighs, and shakes his head. "Alright, fine, I'll let you go, but you have to //promise// not to destroy the Earth. This is like shooting a puppy, it's too much. STOP SHOWING ME KITTENS!!!"

But then suddenly, when he yells, his finger accidentally pulls the trigger and misfires a bullet right into Sally's head.

His masked eyes widen, and he drops to his knees. "Ohgodohgodohgod!!!" he panics, throwing his guns away, immediately rushing over to grab Sally's body. "I'm a //monster//!!!"

Sally Houki has posed:
Sally's head erupts like one would expect from this. She pretty much is immediately killed, as again, one would expect from this.

She is quite messily, gorily dead.

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
This is not the first time Heidi has witnessed a horrific event involving Sally. It's probably not the last, either. It doesn't change the fact that everything's covered in Sally-matter and it's gross and horrific. She stares at Deadpool with anger, making a shooing motion. "Pool of Death, you can't do anything here. Give her her space, she'll be fine." That's an odd statement, certainly.

Wade Wilson has posed:
"I never meant to kill anyone this cute, I'm supposed to be a //superhero//!" Wade holds Sally close, crying, until he finally lets her go, stands up, and takes a deep breath.

"Uncanny Sally, we could have been friends, we could have gone to arcades, and watched movies, had discussion about our complex sexualities, traded scrunchies. But..." He shakes his head, drawing //another// gun. "This is for you, Sally!" He raises it and shoots //himself// in the head, dropping to the ground as even //more// brain gore ends up all over everything.

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
Okay, so she wasn't expecting /that/ turn of events.

Heidi blinks a few times, certainly more shocked than she was a prior moment ago. Her brow furrows, looking around briefly to be certain that someone wasn't playing some sort of joke. That, of course, and she's giving Sally her privacy.

"Please tell me that friend Deadpool is actually secretly also you, Sally," she calls over her shoulder.

Sally Houki has posed:
"Whoa, would you look at that misfire." Sally stares at the form of Deadpool.

She's covered in gore, sure, but she hardly seems to be paying atntetion to that. The tree behind her is decorated with bits of her and, well, no big deal, right?

"Don't worry, Heidi! He'll be fine. I'm given to understand thaqt this Deadpool guy has like the regeneration or something." She reaches for a cupcake.

Her hands are covered in blood. She notices it.

"Eek! He got everywhere!"

NO, SALLY, THAT'S YOU. Mostly.

Wade Wilson has posed:
Wade suddenly wakes up, sitting up straight like the Undertaker as he takes a deep breath. Then he looks up and sees Sally standing there, alive. "Wow, when I shot myself, I guess Thor thought it was a sacrifice and brought you back to life!"

He carefully pushes himself up to his feet, then rushes over to hug her. "I saved you! Now we can go on that vacation we always planned since the moment you died."

He looks over at Heidi, apparently in tears, though it's hard to tell behind his mask. "Your girlfriend is back, we did it! Triple date!"

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
Heidi's a poet. Heidi understands that narrative is important to people. So Heidi nods at Sally. "That's right, it was entirely an accident and you weren't hit at all." She then looks to Deadpool and nods at him. "You are also right. Thor absolutely brought someone back to life. This is what happened."

If people need to follow their own narrative, who is she to decide otherwise?

The suggestion of a triple date gets a bit of a raised eyebrow. "Does date mean something else that I am not aware of in this context? Sometimes Allspeak doesn't account for the fact that there are social contexts to some language. Believe me, trying to write Midgardian poetry has been a challenge. Midgardians are always making up new meanings and re-using the same words but making them shorter."

Sally Houki has posed:
"Nope. No date. Sorry, Mr. Pool, but we're definitely not doing that. Sally grabs Heidi's hand (ew) and holds it and squeezes it, nodding. "I was really conmfused there for a moment!" She tells her. Then she eyes Deadpool a moment longer. "Wait, Thor was here? AND I MISSED IT AGAIN?!"

She's dissapointed by that, making a sigh. Then she reaches for her (blood-spattered) phone.

"I really need to understand whaqt this is about." She starts dialing a number on her phone.

"Hello?! Yeah! It's me! Did we do something with someone named Billy? Like...bumble billy? Bumble Bomba...billy?"

She can't remember, apparently.

Wade Wilson has posed:
"Don't worry, while I may think dating is fun, my heart belongs to someone! So there's no need to destroy the Earth like you told Billy Bombarder you would." Wade crosses his arms while Sally makes her phone call. "Thor is always here, in our hearts. I think that's how gods work."

But either way! "I'm in love with a clown! I spent a glorious day with her where, sure, she crushed my coin purse with our rollerskates after I broke my back, and sure, she basically said 'no uggos', but I really feel good about this one. I think I can really make it work as long as I keep my mask on and don't display the toxic behaviors of her ex!"

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
"I was not aware I was dating Sally until cupcakes," Heidi explains, though what she means by that is entirely up to interpretation. "Perhaps I should introduce you to Thor sometime, friend Deathpond. He is a wonderful drinking companion and is incredibly humorous. He'll have you laughing all night." She squeezes Sally's hand as she looks over at Wade.

"That sounds as if your day was truly magical. Does your clown return your feelings, or is it unrequited?"

Sally Houki has posed:
"It was very surprising to both of us," agrees Sally with Heidi's assessment. It was just one of those thigns.

She hten turns back towards 'Pool. "Oh, wow. That sounds fun." She's waiting for the other personm on the other side of her phone to get back to her on something, it seems. Then there's a voice that sounds alarmingly like her own coming from the other side of the phone, saying something about someone being hired and fired and not paying and ...

Anyway, she shrugs hre shoulders. "I guess he didn't worrk out as a client and he was mad about it. Wow. You found me, though, so that means I need to tighten up the old identity!"

"I need to go get my spare clothes. Ugh. These are *ruined*."

Wade Wilson has posed:
"Well I can't just //ask// her that!" Wade says as he waves some dismissive hands, as if he's at a slumber party. "The show King of Queens said you have to build Ted Poles. I'm not sure what those are, but if I can build those with her, then maybe she'll like me!"

"If she literally never asks me to take off my mask for any reason, this could work!" he excitedly nods.

Then, suddenly, looking between the two. "Wait... you're both in a healthy relationship. You can help me!"

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
"I believe we are both in need of new garments, Sally," Heidi says, looking down at her own clothing. "It is certainly good that I have a wealth of clothes on Midgard now." By wealth, she means she has more than two outfits. Not much of a need for variety when you're not attending most major social events and hang out in stables and training yards most of the time!

"I believe our relationship is solid and thriving, yes, though I am no expert on love. I can give you the advice I have gathered from hundreds of years of watching love and experiencing little, though."

Sally Houki has posed:
When Heidi agrees with the asessment about their relaqtiopnship being strong and thriving, Sally leans over and kisses Heidi on the cheek.

That is all.

She's looking kind of touched and 'd'awwwwwwwww'.

Wade Wilson has posed:
"Okay, here's the plan!" Wade pulls out a notepad and immediately starts writing and drawing out his entire plan as he speaks. "I'll tell you where Harley Quinn is, maybe when she's just relaxing and eating a sandwich. And then you two show up and start talking loudly. 'Wade Wilson is such a nice guy, he really saved our puppy from a tree', or 'Wow he's so sensitive and listened to all of my feelings, and didn't ask for anything in return'."

He does a dramatic swivel, to demonstrate the next phase. "And then you turn to her and go 'Hey, you're Harley Quinn, I heard you were friends with Deadpool! You're so lucky!'."

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
"Would you not prefer that I tell her you care deeply about people you have just met and can't bear the thought of someone accidently being hurt through your actions?" Heidi asks, tilting her head as she watches him. "These things are accurate and correct given what just happened and therefore would not be untruthful but still paint you in a positive light."

Sally Houki has posed:
"...awww, Heidi, you're so thoughtful!" Were this an anime, Sally would have stars in her pupils right now. She's totally not paying attention to the man who killed her just a little bit ago. Tunnel vision.

Wade Wilson has posed:
"Yes, you're a genius!" Wade finger guns at Heidi while holding his writing materials. "Do that!"

"I'll go to Billy Bombarder and collect the fee for assassinating you, and then I'll pay you both //half// after you go to Harley and make me look good." He nods, then holds his gun out for one of them to take. "You might need this, just fire it into the air if she seems skeptical."

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
"Ah, perhaps shooting into the air seems to be a terrible idea. I am certain I will be taken seriously if we are honest." Heidi seems to pause for a long moment. "Perhaps you would care to write her a poem extoling her great virtues? I am an expert at poetry, so I could advise you on the language, if that is what you wish. I highly recommend it. Poetry can express the soul, among other things."

Sally Houki has posed:
"She's /amazing/," says Sally, placing her chin on her hands against her knees as she stares.

Covered in gore.

Drip... drip ... drip...

"I'm going to go change," she says, after a sinking feeling that reminds her of the fact she's rather goreified. She gets to her feet and starts to head to her caqr.

Wade Wilson has posed:
"Harley //loves// it when people shoot into the air, but I'll trust your judgement." Wade stares at his notepad, and then starts considering... poetry. "I don't know, I'll look up some YouTube tutorials on poetry."

Then he starts walking away, scribbling in his notepad. "I need to go to a laundromat. I'll see you two around! You'll be hearing from me with Harley Quinn's location!"

Heidi Ingerdottir has posed:
"Farewell, friend Demise of Puddles!" Heidi calls cheerfully, looking down at her clothing and the picnic, which all needs to be cleaned. Gore isn't unusual, but it feels a little weird given the situation. She'll have to clean it up. "Let us know and we shall be certain to put in a positive word with the person of your affections. You can count on it. Promises are something I always keep."

Sally Houki has posed:
And then Sally is on her way back towards Heidi with a change of dress. More causal, this time. Jeans. T-shirt. Kaminari is on the t-shirt. She has a lot of those t-shirts. She looks much better now, you know, minus some of the blood still matting her hair.

Then she drops back beside Heidi and goes to reach for cupcakes. Her hands are cleaner now at least.