6710/Leave Your Monsters Behind.

Leave Your Monsters Behind.
Date of Scene:	27 June 2021
Location:	04 James Barnes' Suite - Playground
Synopsis:	Six hours of uninterrupted sleep turns out to not be enough to keep Bucky from trying to kill Sam. But at least it doesn't seem like Buck's going to carry the guilt around for six years, progress.
Cast of Characters:	James Barnes, Sam Wilson

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James Barnes has posed:
    For a definite change of pace, it doesn't take Bucky long at all to fall asleep once he's made sure Sam's not going to keel over from anxiety. At first he tries to fight it, his head all bobbing up and down, eyes drifting shut and popping open again. Hell, not even at first, he just outright tries to beat off sleep with a baseball bat, but he fails.

    His head finally drops back against the arm of the couch, the sketch pad in his hand falls free and bounces off a knee and to the floor. The position he ends up in can't be comfortable, unless of course one compares it to the hard floor he normally chooses.

    There's just enough room on the other end of the couch for Lili and she's quick to take up her spot there.

Sam Wilson has posed:
    Sam's still decompressing, so he's quiet, absorbed in his phone as he sits in what has rapidly become 'his' chair in Bucky's personal quarters. And he's digesting too, a lot of carbs and sugar on an empty stomach, so it has him lethargic to the point that he wouldn't have even noticed Bucky dropping off to sleep if the flutter of paper preceding the thump of the sketchpad onto the floor hadn't made his head snap up.

    There's nothing Sam wants to do less than wake Bucky up for a multitude of reasons, so he rises to his feet quietly and does the briefest amount of tidying up before he relocates to the bed. It's not even really Bucky's bed, since Sam's pretty sure the floor is actually what technically qualifies for that title, so he's feeling no guilt as he burrows under the covers.

    The last thing he does is set his alarm to vibrate and tuck it up under the pillow before he tosses an arm over his eyes and tries to fall asleep, which tonight comes swiftly, his body worn out and exhausted from the emotional stress he's put it through.

James Barnes has posed:
    Two hours, Bucky's still asleep. Two becomes four, becomes five... six. The living room is quiet, no sounds or stirring from human or dog. It might lull a person into a false sense of security, make them think it's okay to wander in there and grab a snack or use the bathroom. They've had so many breakthroughs recently, is it so much of a stretch to think that Bucky might actually sleep straight through for an entire eight hour night, maybe even beyond? Lord knows he needs the catch-up.

Sam Wilson has posed:
    What are the odds that both of them will sleep through the night? Sam's subconscious isn't particularly kind to him, though his dreams remain firmly within the realm of dreams, just... disquieting and upsetting ones, bits of unpleasant memories tacked onto uncomfortable scenarios his sleeping mind comes up with to torment him. Never enough to draw him back awake with a start, though eventually he does come to.

    It's a long moment before the fuzzy blur his eyes are seeing comes into focus, and then it's the ceiling he's staring up at. Sam frowns and scrubs his face with one hand, then turns over, apparently to make a try at falling back asleep.

    No luck. He's laid there doing his breathing exercises, even tried the old tricks he used to use back in the Air Force when he could reliably pass out within 2 minutes, but none of it takes, so he pushes the blanket back as he sits up. For a while his hands grip the edge of the mattress and his head is bowed, but then he's up on his feet.

    He's not sure how much time has passed until he looks up at the clock and realizes just how long Bucky's been asleep. A second or two passes where he's paused, just standing there, before he continues on towards the bathroom.

James Barnes has posed:
    Bucky shifts just a little bit, one leg that was bent at the knee, foot on the precariously balanced on the edge of the couch, falls. His foot lands on the floor with a soft 'thud' while Sam is in the bathroom.

    Considering the circumstances and his roommate's penchant for violent dreams, just that thud might be enough to cause Sam to stop mid-stream.

    But there's no other noise from out in the living room. He must still be asleep, Lili too.

Sam Wilson has posed:
    Sam has been trying to go back to sleep long enough that he's actually wide awake, so there's no missing the thump from the other room. It does give him pause, but he still finishes up his business and washes his hands without giving it much more consideration than that. And he even stands there long enough to brush his teeth, because he didn't get to the night before and there's only so long Sam can handle having fuzzy teeth. A lot that he used to put up with in the service that he's less willing to deal with now.

    He flicks the light off first because he's considerate like that, before he slowly opens the door.

James Barnes has posed:
    ... He's standing /right there/. Bucky is standing right outside the door. At first it might seem as if he's well, waiting to use the bathroom.

    But then, lightning fast, faster than humanly possible, his hand shoots up to try and snag Sam by the throat.

    "You won't escape, so do not try," the words spoken in Russian. "It's not personal." It's his mission. His voice, that voice, it doesn't sound at all like Bucky. It's not just the Russian, it's the icy chill to it, the complete lack of empathy or compassion... the total absence of anything that makes it sound human.

Sam Wilson has posed:
    Yeah, no amount of military training is going to make Sam immune to jump scares, which is effectively what Bucky's appearance right outside the door is. He gets halfway through a shocked "Wha--" as he steps back, then it's "Buck?" and then Sam isn't speaking at all because Bucky's got a hand around his throat.

    Redwing isn't here to translate for him, so Sam doesn't know exactly what Bucky's saying but he kind of thinks he gets the idea anyway. It's not actually why he isn't resisting, even though he knows he couldn't do much (if any) damage to Bucky if he tried. Instead he latches onto Bucky's forearm. "Come on man, this isn't you!" he says, the syllables rushing together as he tries to get them out before his airway is cut off. He thinks back, gaze snapping to the side as he tries to remember what precisely it was Bucky had said worked, with Peggy.

    "Sergeant Barnes, stand down!" Depending on how much pressure Bucky is applying, it might come out wheezy or as a whisper, barely voiced at all.

James Barnes has posed:
    The pressure likely makes those last words next to nothing. That doesn't bode well, does it. It's just when Sam might think he's met his end though, that Bucky's eyes ... clear.

    It wasn't the command that did it this time, it was simply his friend's voice saying his name. It just took *that long* for that one little detail to travel its way through his fractured, broken mind and settle in where it could be comprehended.

    Those pale blues widen. He lets go of Sam as fast as he grabbed him and then Bucky is staggering back, away...

    He actually ends up falling backward over the chair when he hits it, tumbles onto the floor, cracks his head on the coffee table and still tries to get even further away. But he's... backed into a corner now.

    Lili is up, she's on it. She started barking the second Bucky grabbed Sam and started speaking in Russian. She stops now and lays down to start... doggy army crawling closer to her person.

Sam Wilson has posed:
    The few seconds where Sam forces himself to do nothing but stare at his friend while being choked is... intense isn't even enough to express the sudden clusterfuck of thoughts and emotions whirling through Sam's mind right now. His eyes are wide, concerned but not quite scared yet, like he's still got some hope that he's clinging onto.

    And would you look at that, he was right. The sudden unclench of Bucky's hand makes Sam stumble backwards, almost a mirror image of Bucky's own movements, but Sam catches a hip on the edge of the sink (ow) and manages to brace himself on that. Somehow he manages to stay on his feet, though his legs are shaky from the sudden surge and equally rapid retreat of adrenaline.

    He coughs once, reaches a hand up to massage his throat, and then gives a testing attempt at speaking that might be the start of Bucky's name but comes out too garbled to really comprehend. So he stops and coughs again, then tries clearing his throat. It doesn't hurt as bad as he'd mentally prepared himself for, so he tries again: "Buck, you good? You with me here?"

    Lili's doing her job, so Sam stays pretty much where he is. Not that he thinks he could really walk, because he's still shaking like a leaf. He takes in one deep breath and then expels it all in a rush right after, not pacing himself, just trying to push out the sudden restless panicky energy. "It's, uh, probably the 26th by now, June, 2021. We're in Delaware, at the Playground." Sam still doesn't think that is an appropriate name for a bunker of underground SHIELD agents.

James Barnes has posed:
    Lili gets almost close enough to nudge a hand with her cold nose. Bucky's wild-eyed gaze flickers from Sam, to the door, to Sam and back again. There is no mistaking that look. He's thinking about running rabbit. He's trying to decide how quick he can make it to the door, can it happen before Sam steps in front of it... can he move Sam, if that happens, without hurting him?

    He's a trapped animal looking for an escape, but one with enough concern for a friend that he's... frozen and not sure what his next move should be.

Sam Wilson has posed:
    Sam tracks the back-and-forth path Bucky's eyes are making between him and the door, and because this is as far from a professional setting as they could possibly be in, the filters from Sam's training aren't in place. So he says, "Bucky, are you really gonna try and pull that shit with me? Did you hit your head so hard that it knocked all the damn sense out?"

    Which, uh, may not be helpful, and the faint wince on Sam's face after all those words come tumbling out of him acknowledges that. So instead, he takes one--only one!--step out of the bathroom and sits down, his back to the wall, legs folded. "I need you to give me something to work with, here," is what comes out next, in Sam's measured counselor voice. "Are you good? Do you know where you are? You know who I am," that part Sam doesn't have any doubt on, "Do you know who you are?"

James Barnes has posed:
    Lili finally finishes her slow approach, not slow because she's afraid, but because she can sense how easy it would be to startle her person right now. Cold nose meets bare skin and Bucky's attention is drawn down to the shepherd.

    The first words he speaks are barely a whisper, his voice hoarse and rough with so many emotions. "I'm sorry, Sam." Then just a little louder, a little more clearly, "You should go... before..." Something Really Bad happens.

    Goddamn, but right now he's just fucking pitiful. He's shaking, sweating, almost curled into a ball against the wall. He's being crushed by the weight of his guilt over what he almost did.

Sam Wilson has posed:
    Well, that's something. Not quite what Sam had asked for, but at least he can tell that's Bucky talking. "Yeah, right. Man talks me down from a panic attack and not even eight hours later I abandon him. Sounds exactly like something I'd do." The way Sam rolls his eyes is basically audible in his voice, sarcasm and annoyance both particularly thick.

    He realizes that he can't even play at being professional here. The situation they're in right now has pushed their friendship--one that was decent but had only somewhat moved past its initial foundations of "Cap's wingmen" into actual "hey, we're buddies (who bicker constantly)" territory--into something that Sam has to acknowledge might end up in unhealthy enmeshment territory. But what the hell is he supposed to do about it? It's not like either of them have access to the help they need right now, and Sam will absolutely be the first one to admit he's out of his depth when it comes to the staggering amount of trauma HYDRA has put Bucky through.

    So, fuck it, whatever. They're stuck with each other, in each other's pockets for however long this goes down, it is what it is. It's not like Sam's mad about it, just... mad at the world for making everything so difficult for Bucky, for dumping this in their laps, for HYDRA's dumb "cut off one head and two more shall take its place" policy that translates to them being the cockroaches of the supervillain world.

    Sam lets his head fall back against the wall. "You didn't hurt me," he tells Bucky. "Pretty sure I'm going to bruise harder from tripping over my own feet and landing against the sink. There's no reason I need to go anywhere, because *you stopped yourself*."

James Barnes has posed:
    Up until now, Bucky really was almost curled up into a ball - sitting with his back to the wall, legs bent at the knees, head down, hair covering his face. At least he looks up. That right hand is now scratching Lili's head. "This time," he murmurs. He stopped himself *this time*.

    But he doesn't push the issue further. Bucky isn't stupid, pushing isn't going to get him anywhere. ... and maybe a selfish little bit of him doesn't want Sam to go? He just lets his head drop back against the wall and lapses into a really fucking weighted silence. That is definitely 'I'm all up in my head and it's dark in here' silence.

    Even Lili senses it and lets out a soft little whine, plaintive, trying to Bucky's attention and draw him back. She licks his hand when he stops petting, but it doesn't get him going again, not this time, not yet.

Sam Wilson has posed:
    "Yeah. Last time Peggy stopped you, and this time you stopped yourself. Which is progress in my book." Sam isn't really sure anymore that he thinks his attempts to convince Bucky will take, but that doesn't stop him from trying anyway. That's just his nature, too damn hopeful that things can change. There are too many people out there--Bucky included--who deserve for that to be true.

    The room falls quiet, just the two of them (and Lili) breathing, and Sam hates it. More for what it means than what it is, the gulf opening up between them as Bucky starts to drift out to sea, caught and dragged down by his thoughts. So Sam blows out a breath and rises to his feet. "I'm coming over there," he warns, and then after giving Bucky a second or two to process that, he does. Not like it takes more than a few steps anyway, and then Sam's got his back to *this* wall instead, sliding down so that he can stretch his legs out in front of him and knock his shoulder against Bucky's. "I'm not going anywhere."

James Barnes has posed:
    That 'nothing' from Bucky stretches out a little longer before he straightens his legs too. "I'm not sure I'm worth all this, Sam." It's not the first time he's said those exact first words. They just had a different name tacked on to the end of them before. It likely won't be the last time he says them either.

    He looks down at his left hand, the thing that's so much a part of him now, but still so much a part of *them*... and the thing that was just wrapped around his friend's throat - correction, the throat of the man that's suddenly neck and neck with Steve, one of his *best* friends. That hand clenches into a fist. "But I ... can't bow out now, not... before we fix this fucking mess." No, no Sam, he isn't talking about 'bowing out' as in putting a bullet in his own brain. That's not his style. But just vanishing into the night, leaving the people he loves behind so they live life free of his bullshit? Yeah, that he might consider.

Sam Wilson has posed:
    Sam sits with that a second, because he knows Bucky has some pretty crippling self-esteem issues, but it still sucks to hear the man say that kind of thing out loud. Then he tucks his fist against his cheek, propping himself up. "Thing is, Buck, you don't get to decide what my time and energy is worth."

    That maybe five second burst of adrenaline has fully left his body now; the shakes have subsided, his heartrate is down, breathing slow and easy. He can feel the faint tendrils of sleep at the edges of his mind now, but at least it's not the bone-deep exhaustion he was feeling several hours before. This is the kind of tired Sam can fight through if there's a reason to, and he's got a pretty important one sitting next to him right now. "No bowing out at all, man, we already talked about this. We kick HYDRA's ass and then we're gonna deal with the shit they put in your head."

    The next breath he takes in comes back out angry, not at Bucky, it's just... look, HYDRA. Does he really have to elaborate? HYDRA's existence is enough to piss anyone off, or at least it should be. "No way in hell we fight our way out of this only for you to give up as soon as it's done."

James Barnes has posed:
    "What if..." Bucky begins, but he stops short. It's not hard to figure out what he was going to say 'what if we can't deal with it'. But he knows the question will just get met by more Sam stubbornness.

    So, rather than keep the circular conversation going, he just pushes himself to his feet. He extends a hand to help his friend up. "I think I'm gonna go down and knock a bag around for a little bit. You should go back to bed, man." His left hand comes up to stave off any protests. "I swear, I'll be right downstairs. I'm not okay, but I'm not... not okay enough that you gotta come with me."

    Six hours, he slept for six fucking hours straight before that nightmare ruined the moment. It's more sleep than he's gotten at one time in months, so him going back to bed? That really isn't likely to happen.

Sam Wilson has posed:
    That's exactly what would have happened if Bucky had finished that sentence, judging by the way Sam turns to fix him with a narrow-eyed glare. Yeah. If Sam has to believe in the process for both of them, then he'll do it. He knows there's something out there that will help.

    It's just a matter of persevering long enough to find it. The good thing is, they're both stubborn assholes, which only gets multiplied by a factor of ten when they're around each other.

    "Yeah, okay," Sam says. No arguments as he takes Bucky's hand and allows himself to be hauled up onto his feet. "Wake me up if you need anything. Especially if it comes with another one of those omelettes." He smiles and elbows Buck in the side as he heads around, back towards the bed. "I'll be up by 8, though. Last thing I need is for my sleep schedule to get messed up on top of all my other shit right now."

    He falls face first into the pillow and tucks both his arms around it, though he doesn't really try to fall back asleep until Bucky's gone. Then, since he knows it's not going to bother anyone, he fishes out his phone and queues up one of those 10 hour YouTube videos of nature sounds, this one with soothing waves and the sound of crickets. He's out like a light moments later.