7810/Figuring Shit Out

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Figuring Shit Out
Date of Scene: 13 September 2021
Location: Clarice Ferguson's Quarters
Synopsis: Family is complicated - and reality is scary.
Cast of Characters: Clarice Ferguson, Raven Darkholme, Rahne Sinclair




Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    Sitting at her desk, with her back to the rest of the room, and her headphones in - Clarice is less aware than she normally would be about the comings and goings in their shared living space. At the moment, her gaze was glued to the screen, which showed a video that alternated between John Oliver with various graphics and brief video clips. She laughs a few times, looks mildly striken at one point - and then as the screen displays '41% attempted suicide' - she abruptly slams her laptop closed and pulls out her headphones, pushing herself sharply away from her computer. Fuck. //Fuck//! That- can that actually be true?
    Forty-one percent?! How can that possibly...

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo jumps slightly in surprise. He had his headphones on and was listening to something while doing homework, but had just turned to look at Clarice when the laptop slamming occurred. He has almost caught what was on the screen, but not completely. Pulling his headphones off he asks, "You okay, Clare?"

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "Th- theo." It was the short hair - it helped. It reminded Clarice //which// name to use. She closes the short distance between them, breathing a bit heavily as she wraps the youth into a tight, fierce, and utterly wordless hug. She was rattled, that much was clear.
    Just as clear as the affection and //need// she directed towards her younger sibling.

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo meeps as he is just suddenly hugged... nearly to death really. Wrapping his arms around his sister he hugs back, because clearly Clarice needed it.

"What's wrong, Clare?" he asks quietly

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    Clarice doesn't answer immediately - her mind is still whirling with horror at the number she just saw. 41%. That's... nearly half. Nearly //half//. And Theo's had to hide that he's a mutant, and saw their parents killed, and almost everyone he ever knew died, and some asshole Magistrate fucked with his head...
    What were the odds, really, that Theo //hadn't// tried to hurt himself at some point - given all that?
    "Please," she answers quietly. "Don't ever try to hurt yourself. You can always talk to me. Always. Or Pete, or Rahne, or Lydia or- someone." She continues to hug Theo tightly, ignoring the tears streaking out of her cheeks as she repeats, "Please, Theo. Don't you ever."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo blinks his eyes a few times, just confused as hell as to what Clarice was talking about, or rather why Clarice was talking about it. She had known Pete gave her links to read information from, and videos and other helpful things, but this was such a powerful reaction... to something.

"Clare..." he starts, but the reality was, he had in the past. Not tried to kill himself, no, but he had self mutilated. Biggest mistake because recovering in secret from that had been worse than the secret in the first place. "I'll talk to you, okay? I promise. I don't do anything like that again."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "Good," Clarice answers quietly. "'cuz I love you, and the thought of losing you now that I've got you - it scares me more than anything," she admits. "So you can always talk to me. Always. I'll make the time." Her grip on her brother still doesn't loosen as she adds, "I know I won't always get this right - but I'm gonna try. And I'll do anything I can to make this right and- and take some of that pain away. Okay? As much as I can. I love you, Theo."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo has to loosen her hold a little so he can actually move a little and look at her.

"Clare, you're making way more of this than you should. I know I hit you out of no where with all this, but you don't have to jump in head first and start panicking about every little thing."

Kissing her cheek lightly, he hugs again because apparently that's what they're doing now, non-stop hugging. "I know you love me, and I love you. I know you want to help, and make it all better, but it doesn't work that way. It if did, I'd of waved a magic wand years ago and fixed it. There's something I have that most transgender people don't, it's the thing that makes me stronger. I started knowing I was a boy about the same time my powers manifested, and if I can live through that nightmare of hiding what I am and still live life, I can get through this, right?"

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I know. I know it doesn't," Clarice answers. "I just - I was trying to learn more, and the video said..." She straightens up a little, pulling away so she can try to wipe at her eyes. "It said that almost half of transgender people try to- That they hurt themselves. What kind of sister would I be if that //didn't// frighten me a little? I didn't expect that. I mean, I knew it was hard for you, but..." She really didn't expect that.

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo tilts his head. "They don't just hurt themselves, they kill themselves," he states bluntly. "I could explain why if you want, what makes us want to end the pain in that way, but I don't think that would help you. I've never tried to kill myself, that's the truth. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live as a girl any more, so something has to give. You get that, and we're working toward the happy ending. That's the part that matters Clare, not the past, alright? I promise, I'll talk to you."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I didn't mean to get rattled like that. I just- this is all confusing to me. And scary. You've had enough pain without this, too," Clarice answers. She swipes at her eyes again with the back of her hand - but at least her tears appear to be finished for now.
    "I've tried talking to some doctors. I mean - Dr. Hathaway, here on the asteroid - she's not a surgeon, but I have her looking for mutants who might be able to... I don't know. //Mold// flesh? So your body would at least appear more masculine?" she explains. "And I talked to the woman who regrew Bernhard's leg. She uses magic. She thinks she might be able to make your body //be// male. No need for hormones or- or anything. But she's never tried it before, so- I mean." She shrugs her shoulders helplessly. "She said she would try it on a few animals to see if she can actually do it. And of course I'm sure you've read all about what traditional medicine requires... But she said if you did do that, she could speed the healing for you."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Now Theo really blinks, jaw slacking slightly... Clarice really did jump in head first.

"Holy hells, Clare," he breaths, blinking a few more times. "Is this how you handle everything? Just jump in head first and panic your way through it?" He finally offers a smile.

"I know about the surgeries, I thought they were the only way... so this magic lady can just, maybe, change me? Do you know what hormones can do? What happens if you stop taking them? It's a nightmare!" He tugs on Clarice's arm, trying to get her to move to the couch and sit. "What do /you/ think of the choices? I'll decide for myself, I promise, but I want to hear what you think to add that information to my thinking."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "Pretty much," Clarice answers quietly. "I mean, Dr. Hathaway's right here on the Asteroid, so it's not like it's hard to go talk to her..." she remarks as she's drawn towards the couch - before slumping bonelessly onto it. She suddenly felt... drained. Emotional terror can do that to you.
    "Then again - teleporter. Not that hard to talk to anyone I want to talk to, so..." She takes a deep breath in, and lets it out slowly. "I mean, obviously, if she can just //make// you be a male, that would be ideal. But the thought of you being the first person she tries this on... It scares me a little," she admits. "I asked her to see if there's anyone else out there who has more experience handling this sort of thing //magically//. So we wait and see what she finds out, and what she learns from practicing on animals. We want and see what Dr. Hathaway turns up... I mean. No rush, right?" She reaches out to take Theo's hand, squeezing it tightly.
    "You've waited this long. We wait a little bit longer - only now you're less alone, yeah? And maybe there's an end in sight."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
A slight shrug of Theo's shoulders as he slumps onto the couch, but he's smiling, almost ear to ear.

"I didn't think it would ever happen," he admits. "I thought I'd be stuck in this body forever... so yeah, waiting a little longer doesn't matter. The whole fact that the waiting is actually leading some where? /That's/ the best feeling I've had in a long time."

Reaching over, Theo takes one of Clarice's hands in his own. "I'm more scared of the surgery, so many things have gone wrong during those, but if that was the only choice, I'd take it. Since there are two other possible options, I'll wait to hear about them and see how it goes."

He looks down at himself, them over at Clarice again, "I want to get a binder."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I mean... surgery's pretty scary," Clarice admits, leaning in against Theo. "So I can't blame you there. But we'll figure it out."
    She takes a deep breath in, and lets it out slowly before she adds, "Okay. I've learned a lot of things - but not everything yet. What's... a binder? Like a notebook?" For recording his thoughts in?

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo snerks and starts laughing. "Yes, that's a kind of binder," he manages to squeak out, having to take a moment to collect himself.

"I mean a body binder. It fits tight against the body and removes this.... this stupid..." he gestures at the shape of his waist and hips, and breasts, and just all of it in general.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "Oh. Ohhhh." Clarice indulges in a quiet chuckle herself - squeezing Theo's hand in response. "Yeah. Sure, if that's what you want. So you can look more dashing in your suit?" she counters, giving Theo a smile.
    "...so where do we get that, then?" she asks. "I imagine they don't just have them at every Walmart."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo pulls his phone out of a pocket of his BDUs, swipes, codes and shows Clarice a picture. Clearly, he'd been thinking about this already.

"Can order them, but need an address to send it to. I don't think going, 'deliver to the Asteroid in space' would work. I know a couple of people who used ace bandages, like a mummy, that sounds way incomfortable."

Rahne Sinclair has posed:
"Ah hae a post office box m'sel," Rahne says, having woken up from her extended nap. She hasn't -moved-, but she's awake. On her tummy, in a corner. Looking far too comfy. "Could mail t' mine. Ah can pick things up."

She then leans upward. She stretches, a cobra stretch with her shoulders back and tummy pushed forward. Her back makes all kinds of noises, and she looks like..an animal.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    Clarice takes the phone - clicking the 'buy' button, and putting in a shipping address, before handing the phone back to her brother. "We have an address Stateside where orders can be sent," she explains simply. "Just make sure you address it to yourself - or to me - and it'll get here. I mean, people on the Asteroid //do// order things online," she remarks, giving Theo a nudge.
    "Will it arrive in time for Lydia's party, do you think?"
    Her attention shifts towards Rahne - as she holds a free hand out towards the red-head in invitation, looking at the wolfgirl with subtly puffy eyes. Someone's been crying.

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo jumps, almost over the back of the couch. He had no idea Rahne was even there. Came home from school, went to desk and started doing home work. Looked up a video on line, listening to music, Clarice freaked out over statistics... he hadn't seen Rahne at any point.

Relearning to breath he looks over at Rahne with huge eyes, then slowly back to Clarice. Had she told Rahne? Was this going to be a moment he had to become her again? Instantly he was uncomfortable and uncertain, even as he takes the phone back and shoves it into the pocket it lives in.

"I... should finish my home work."

Rahne Sinclair has posed:
Rahne arches her back, left and right. She does it so well, her flexibility adding to the ability to just....do. Be, and be amazing while doing it. She opens her eyes and smiles, a beautiful welcome, and jumps a little bit to Clarice's hand. Which she takes into her hands, and nuzzles at the palm with softness.

The smile, lost in sensation, dims slightly as she sniffs the air. She pauses, then looks around the room. "Somethin' be wrong?' she asks, uncertain. She knows the scent, but not the reason.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    Clarice's hand tightens on Theo's in a way that she hopes is reassuring. "I'm, uh... I'm okay, Rahne. I just- I saw a video that said that 41% of transgender people try to kill themselves, and it scared me. But Theo says he's alright, so... You know. Panic averted.
    "Do you like Theo's new hair cut?" She asks instead, changing the topic almost immediately. And really - there's only //one// acceptable answer to this question.

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Unable to make an escape, Theo remains sitting on the couch staring at his lap, well the hand in his lap, the other hand is being held prisoner. Apparently, Clarice had in fact told Rahne... he was okay with that, he didn't care who Clarice told, he just didn't know Rahne's reaction to all of it so felt like he was in limbo.

Rahne Sinclair has posed:
Rahne's reaction is to flop onto her right side, then extend a hand toward Theo. She smiles to him, her absolute willingness to touch and be part of the youth's life unchanged. She's just...so...her. She waits, absolutely certain that their friendship is rock solid, and says, "Shouldnae get in th' way o' practice. Es braw, m'frien. Y want tae work out?"

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    Clarice gives Theo a nudge with her shoulder before adding in a quiet voice, "Rahne told me to stop freaking out over something I should just accept. Basically." I mean, those definitely weren't the exact words...
    "Raven's completely fine with it too, you know. But it hasn't gone any further than that, yet. And it won't unless you want it to," but judging by the new haircut... well.

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo takes another round of staring at Rahne, reaching slowly to take the offered hand. He's not entirely certain what the hell he's supposed to do with it, or what got into Rahne in general. This is not the same as she was before, but he'll adjust.

"I don't care who you tell," he says to Clarice, still staring at Rahne. "Working out wouldn't do me any good, I'd just make this..." he gestures at himself and gets a disgusted look on his face. "Later maybe, thanks for asking... what's braw?"

Rahne Sinclair has posed:
"Braw means bonnie. Et means guid, et means all th' things thet be ...." She pauses, looking at Theo and the way he's acting, and then whispers to Clarice, "Wot be happenin?"

She sits up then, kneeling actually, and then says, "Theo, ah've been dealin' wi' people changin' all m' life. Ye still be you. Y'want a hug?"

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I don't think anything's 'happening,'" Clarice answers Rahne. "I just think... there's been a lot of changes, in not much time, and we're just finding our feet. //Again,//" she remarks in dry amusement. "I just know I love the both of you to pieces. And that's all that really matters to me. As long as I've got you both... Then things'll be alright. Yeah?"

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Emotional brain, yes Theo wants a hug. Rational brain, he was good, no hug needed, which was a lie. Logical brain... "I'd love a hug," he admits plainly with a grin. "I'm still getting used to getting to be me, and Clare here's having small melt downs cause she dove in head first."

Rahne Sinclair has posed:
Rahne gathers them together, then. She takes no argument. "You two absolute silly boobs," she tells them as she treats the two like children, and hugs. one for each arm. "D'ye think th' girl who went out tae die because I loved life more 'n m'sel would hurt ye?"

Then, she whispers into Clarice's ear, "Th' ones who tried tae commit suicide didnae hae people who gave a shit 'bout 'em, ah bet. We can do better nor tha', ah do say." Scots. To the point, and no bullshit.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "Fortyone percent of them weren't loved? Rahne... We all know that's bullshit," Clarice answers quietly, letting out a sigh - but she does drape one arm around each of them, pulling them in close to her. "But Theo's gonna be alright. We're figuring it out together, and I told him he can always talk to any one of us. If he- if he's struggling." She's not usually one to mince her words, but when it comes to her only blood family member? Somethoughts are difficult to voice outloud.

Raven Darkholme has posed:
This is not what he expected, but Theo accepts the hugs in the odd way Rahne is giving them.

"You're wrong Clare," he says bluntly. "Sure, their mom loved /her/ or dad loved /him/... but when you're in that hole, when you look around and see the world how it is and you can't even feel comfortable in your own skin, the love isn't real, or doesn't seem real. For many, there is /no/ support at all, no one who accepts them as they are. 'Oh stop that, it's all in your head, you're not really a boy, you're a girl, look... you have breats, see? Girl.' Trust me..." he pauses to take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"When you feel alone, and trapped, and desperate, and hurt /sooo/ bad there's no words to even express that level of pain... suicide becomes salvation from being forced to be something you aren't."

Rahne Sinclair has posed:
Rahne listens. She isn't sure if she has anything to contribute here, but there's something in her heart that's dark. She shivers a little, knowing one thing. That when you're hurting badly enough, for long enough, you only want one thing. More than anything in the world, more than love, more than oxygen, you just want the pain to stop.

When she's in that dark place, she just wants it to stop. The place she hasn't been since Clarice. Since she woke up from the coma, and a new life began.

"Aaaand ah hae t' pee," she says, realizing that the timing is awful. But she really, well, her bladder has no particular ability to keep itself from being known. "Y'know, since lately these decisions been easier an' easier. Ah do think m' wolf an' I made peace. It helps."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "You go pee," Clarice murmurs. "I got Theo." She releases her hold on Rahne - even as she leans fully into Theo instead, her expression solemn, and concerned. "Maybe the folks that loved them didn't understand. They thought they were helping, when they were hurting instead. Or maybe some of those people, they thought- they didn't think they could even give their family the chance to understand, and they hid it. I mean - you hid it for a long time, yeah? But you don't believe for a minute that they didn't love you - do you?" she asks. "'cuz I've seen the albums, and videos. They loved you."
    She lets out a sigh. "So yeah. I don't believe that all those people were unloved. I think it's a lot more complicated than that. I'd be nice to believe that just 'cuz I love you, that you're safe. But that's not how it works, is it?"

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo sighs softly, then reaches out to pluck an album out of the pocket. He lays it on the couch where Clarice can see it, then opens it to the middle.

"They loved that little girl Clare," he says as he points to a picture of a very, very unhappy Cynthia at a birthday party where everything was just over the top girly. Not pink persay, but flowers and balloons in feminine colors. "I don't know if they could have accepted or would have accepted, but they loved their /daughter/... and that's not me Clare."

Rahne Sinclair has posed:
Rahne gets up, heading for the place where you do the things. She pauses in the doorway, then leans on the doorframe and says, "Might be es both right," thoughtfully. "Ah find tha' people will surprise ye. Not always in th' best way, some will hurt ye more. Then again, some won't."

Then she closes the door, so she can tinkle. Shut up, that's a thing.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I get that, I do. I hear what you're saying, and we won't ever know what they would have reacted to any of this, and that's no one's fault. But I still think it's a lot more complicated than just being able to say that- that none of those people were loved." And she'd like to believe her mom and dad would be devestated by those words.
    Her eyes flick to Rahne for a moment, then back to Theo as she adds, "I mean - you hid it from me for a while. And don't go claiming I didn't love you a week ago. And- And I know I didn't take all this in perfectly, right off the bat. I know I had some of those thoughts, and worries, 'cuz this stuff isn't easy to understand, and I just wanted to make sure that- well, that whatever way I went with this, it was the right way to help you be happy. I bet some people just need more time to understand. And I bet that hurts like hell."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo sighs, shaking his head. "Some people, no matter how much time you give them, don't get it Clare, that's the point I'm trying to make. I know you loved her, and you love me, I get that... I'm trying to tell you the big picture, the community I'm a part of, the other people out there who are like me."

Leaning over Theo gives Clarice a hug. "One step at a time, alright? I promise I'll talk to you, but I really do need to finish my home work now... and that's not just an excuse to stop talking about this. I have a test tomorrow."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I know that some of people don't ever get it. I know. I just- fortyone percent is too many, that's all. There's no way they're all... completely unloved, and misunderstood. You know? That's all." Clarice takes a deep breath in, and lets it out slowly before adding, "Theo - if I ever say, or said, something that hurts you... I'm sorry. I'm trying. Just let me know when I get things wrong," she encourages.
    "And kickass at your test, huh? I'm gonna head down to the training room, I think..." And kickass her own way.

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Theo stands up, stretching a little.

"No, they aren't all unloved and misunderstood, but what they are is alone, terrified, and desperate to end the pain that consumed every waking moment of their lives and haunts their dreams at night. Some people aren't strong Clare, some people have nothing to look forward to, no one to turn to, and some people can't survive it all alone. Fourty-one percent. It's a fact. Accept it and move on."

Walking over to his desk he plunks back in his chair and puts his headphones back on his head, "You understand my pain now Clare, what's inside me... imagine what that would be like with no one at all... and I'll ace the test."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I think we're saying the same thing with different words," Clarice remarks a bit wryly. She moves towards the door - scooping up her workout-bag, and pausing to put her hand on Theo's shoulder. "Love ya like crazy. I'll see you in a bit."
    Perhaps it's some indication of her need that she doesn't bother to walk out the door - she simply blinks away, to reappear in the training room.
    If she doesn't kill something, she's going to scream. Hell, she's probably going to scream anyways.