8046/If It Ain't One Thing It's Another

If It Ain't One Thing It's Another
Date of Scene:	29 September 2021
Location:	S.T.A.R. Labs
Synopsis:	In which Ben's buns are highly coveted.
Cast of Characters:	Ben Reilly, Terry O'Neil, Kaida Connolly

---

Ben Reilly has posed:
"She was infuriating..." Ben points this out over comms as he does a little swingipoo through Metropolis, Thwippity thwip thwip, "One of those people who keeps turning everything you say into an insult somehow and you're like, god could you stop? but they don't stop..." thwip thwip, flip, wall run!

...

"Anyways, how long should I wait to text her?"

And that's Scarlet Spider in a nutshell.

He leaps off the corner of the wall into a swan dive roll over. Two webs fire from his wrist, feet up impossibly close to his shoulders when they anchor to an adjacent building and carrying him into a straight out double swing. "I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't..." Of course you shouldn't. But you're going to. "God, so infuriating."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
Vorpal smirks, "You really must like punishment." The Cheshire cat is standing in line by one of the food trucks that often line Midtown close to lunchtime. All of the techies and other workers in the Avenue of Tomorrow made it a profitable stop around this time, and the burger truck he was at had a reputation for being one of the best, hence the long line. He had been at it for twenty minutes, and was finally getting to where he could be the next order up, "It depends, of course, on what you're looking for. You don't want someone driving you the wrong kind of crazy, you want someone driving you the right kind of crazy--- speaking of which, anyone up for burgers? I'm over at Harlequin Hamburgers' food truck in the Avenue of T and I hate having lunch by myself. If anyone can get here in the next five minutes before it's my time to order, it's my treat!"

He then realizes that broadcasting that over the comm could mean that both Irie and Bart might show up. He hopes they're still in class, otherwise his bank account might not survive this.

Kaida Connolly has posed:
A slow blink and an ear twitches and then there's some quick math. Not the fastest on the team, by any stretch, but what she lacks in pure speed, she makes up for in jumping power, manuverability, and access. She doesn't have to actively phase through things, she can just run through spaces no one else naturally could. Plus, she has short bursts of amazing speed. It'd take all of four minutes and 28 seconds but then with a burst of speed that takes the mouse flipping and spinning right through the air to land right on Terry's foot, Kaida is breathing heavy as she comes to a stop and then points up.

"Burger. Now. Yes..." And then she falls back on to his foot with a leg dangling off of one of his shoes as she breathes heavily, "Lots." She adds with a singling finger pointing up.

Ben Reilly has posed:
"I don't knoooooow... I don't know?" Ben really doesn't. He wants to delete her number, but he hasn't yet, so he probably wont. Still swinging right up to the point Terry says food and he's paying, "I'll be there in two minutes." Way too quickly. He's no speedster, but it's pretty well known spiders can pack away some food too!

He reverses midair, twisting his hips to fire a line in the oposite direction that will pull him towards AoT. "Double pickles, double cheese... mayo, mustard, tomatos please.." THWIP! THWIP! Aerial cartwheel, he lands on the side of a lightpole, side flips, and lands beside Vorpal and Kaida in line with his hands on his hips.

Panting.

Even though he's not tired at all.

"I distinctly heard someone say something about free food..." Hey it's spider-man, "No..." Holding up a finger at bystander, "No, don't do that. I'm not that guy, I'm a completely different guy who is not that guy at all..."

Head tilt, singling finger with Kaida, "Lots."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"Lots," Terry echoes. In hindsight, Ben and Kaida weren't the /worst/ things that could happen to his bank account. Gar, Caitlin, Kori and the speedsters could have shown up, and then he would have had to get a third job. His turn is up and he places the order, which gets quite a bit of attention as the line manages to curve just enough to encompass the Titans in order to get a closer look. Selfies, photos and autographs may be requested.

Eventually, though, hunger wins and people return to placing and picking up their orders, including our heroes' delicious meal. Then, a rooftop is reached via the Rabbit Hole, since it was clear that they would not be able to enjoy their lunch in peace at street level. It has a nice view of the Avenue.

"So insulting you is what it takes to get your attention, huh?" Terry teases, sitting down on the edge of the roof to let his legs dangle over as he gingerly, very very slowly begins to unwrap the burger in order to fully enjoy the unveiling of the scent, "And here I thought treating you to burgers would do it!" he says, in the spirit of good-natured ribbing.

"This smells... absolutely heavenly," he adds. The first layer of coverings have been discarded. Now, it's the napkin that needs to go. This culinary dance of the seven veils is something you /have/ to do in order to truly work yourself up for a truly tasty treat. Otherwise it was just cheapening the experience, "Oh, smell that burger, I think I'm in love!"

Kaida Connolly has posed:
One rip, two rip, then lots of rips. WHen you are are the size of your burger, you have to just go at it like a person opening up the biggest Christmas gift ever! And so, she does. Kaida rips open her burger with abandon before finally grinning and rubbing paw like hands together, "Excellent!" She declares and then proceeds to bite multiple times in a row, cheeks puffing out somewhat unnaturally (unnatural if she weren't a mouse) and then she swallows and somehow, within a very short period of time, a tenth of a burger and four fries vanish into a body that should be showing signs of bulging and yet...

"Oh that is so good! I could eat like...A HUNDRED!" She declares and then proceeds to go more after that burger, only stopping after a moment and blinking.

"Wait, what were you two talkin' about anyway?"

Ben Reilly has posed:
"Citizens of Metropolis, please..." The Scarlet One says with his hands up, "We're just like all of you... except for metahuman... with probably weirder lives... You, there with the children-" Pointing out the fellow with his two little girls, by way of a wiggly finger point, "Do you like Metropolis' Got Talent? ME TOO.. see? Totally relatable." Autographs are signed, fewer when they realize he's Budget Spider-Man and not Actual Spider-Man but any attention is good attention.

Then food is ordered.

And Wormholes are taken.

Ben rolls up his mask just enough to reveal the ravenous mouth ready to devour this burger like it personally assailed him and requires chewing out on Twitter. Delicately peeling back the wrapper to reveal the deliciousness that resides within. He pauses for a few seconds to enjoy the smell... "Perfection." Said in a quiet, appreciative voice. It could be a sigh, even. A delighted, excited, sigh.

It's brought up towards his mouth, savoring the moment, eyes closed and mouth open wide ready to take it in ala a child whose about to have ice cream for the first time...

When alarms start going off at Star Labs.

Very loud alarms.

Through their comms.

"No..." He whines. His tongue reaches out comically towards the juicy meat patty... And the alarm blares again. "Ugh..."

Mask down, hambruger set aside, and webs firing to pull him in the direction of the intrusion upon his dinner!

"I swear to everything holy, if this is a systems test, I'm going to kick the building over."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
Vorpal sighs, quickly re-wrapping the burger which he has not had a chance to taste /at all/ and putting it back in the paper bag. "Duty calls and all that. Let's see what's going-"

The Cheshire takes a swan dive off the building, rather gracefully, and falls into a Rabbit Hole that places him on street level right outside S. T. A. R. Labs. "Woe betide whomever gets between a Titan and his lun-WHOA!"

The laser that shatters the front doors to the labs' public entrance nearly pegs him, missing him just by thiiiiis much. Shattered glass tinkles down the stairs as a trio of men come out.

One of them is wielding an oversized weapon, clearly the one that dispenses the laser that almost got Vorpal. One other has a strange device strapped to his chest, supported by straps around his shoulders. It is large and rectangular, and the side that faces up is glowing a bright purple. The third member of the band is busy hauling something in a container that has the laboratories' logo emblazoned on the side- clearly 'the haul', so to speak. All three men are unusually cerulean in coloration, with bright yellow eyes.

Upon noticing the Titans, the man with the gun points it at the nearest Titan, Ben, and prepares to fire, while the other man raises his hands and brings them down onto the glowing box, eliciting a sound like a thunder, and a sonic shockwave that sends Vorpal flying back several feet.

Kaida, as usual, has the element of surprise by virtue of her size. If she has followed Terry and Ben, it is clear that the silent blue trio has not noticed her yet.

Kaida Connolly has posed:
And then there's havok and Kaida glares, "You dare interrupt a mouse's feeding time?!" She then looks to Ben and his burger and Terry and his burger and then she shakes a small fist, "What terror befalls the Titans this day that they are forced to not eat?!" She then looks as both leave before saying, "Well, two are forced to not eat!" She then turns into a small blur as she consumes a full half of her burger far too quickly and ends up beside it shuffling left and right dizzily.

"Whoa, ate too fast." She hiccups once and then clears her throat, "Alright, anyway, now is the time for action!" And she's gone in a blur. She is not exactly trying to be sneaky, she just is sneaky. She rushes down to watch what is happening and then zips to the wall of the building the three just came out of. She stops to eyeball the men before she suddenly dahses forward, hitting the wall to the right of the door and landing on it with both feet before pushing off with a small boom of speed aimed right for the back of the knee of the one who caused that shockwave.

Ben Reilly has posed:
"Nope." The laser fired at him only narrowly misses, if only because he contorts his body into positions that bodies don't usually contort. Twisting his hips nearly completely around so knees and chest point in oposite directions. One leg bent up, one leg straight. The beam passes under his shoulders and between his legs, with another webline straightening him out at the appex of his swing. "Nope!"

Again he does some weirdo body manipulating dodge when the weapon is fired again.

"If you're going to steal super high tech weaponry, I'm really going to need you to read the instruction manual. I realize you want to take the quick route to power, but reading really is fundamental. Also are you the Blue Man Group? Huge fan. You guys falling on hard times or something?" Because they are aren't they?

"Vorpal, it's the Blue Man Group." Incase he hadn't noticed. How couldn't he have noticed?

Spidey lands, temporarily, on the side of the Lab's shattered front entrance, flips off and fires a webline against one of the jagged edges created by their initial escape so that when he swings, he's headed right inside! With his feet doing a double kicky move at mister laser beam. It probably wont end his fighting, but it will, hopefully, knock him back inside. "Get back in there and read the manual then we can discuss good guy/bad guy fighting dynamics."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
Vorpal extricates himself from the upturned hot-dog stand into which the shockwave had sent him. Dripping, he looks down at himself and lets out a cry of dismay. "MUSTARD? Do you know how hard it is to get MUSTARD out off fur?"

The shockwaver flails and finds himself falling on his side after Kaida deliver her blow, the strange instrument making a /throoom/ as it falls to the ground next to him, setting off a random shockwave that causes a parked car to crash into another, empty car. The downed man reaches for it, but it has landed too far for him to reach.

Another shockwave seems to be building up, and the instrument is still spinning around. Vorpal tries to make a run for it to try and deactivate it, but another shockwave sends him flying through the air- and into a nearby dumpster.

The gunner has no choice but to try to fight Scarlet as he is driven back into the lab. Soon enough, it is discovered that the weapon will fire no more, clearly being a limited-charge prototype, so fisticuffs it is! Unfortunately, the man is no fighter, as Scarlet will soon find out.

The third man, meanwhile, is making a beeline, running with the precious cargo as fast as he can, away from all of this.

Kaida Connolly has posed:
A blink as she watches a shockwave go off and Kaida is thrown back as well this time. She slams into a wall and goes wobbly eyed for a moment. She recovers quicklky enough though. She might not be able to handle certain things, but she's really a tough nut to crack when it comes to the bludgeonings. She assesses the situation though and is able to get behind something for the next blast. Then she rushes out. She is in hot pursuit of the third guy and attempts to perform another hit like she had on the last guy on him.

"Sorry, looks like you're track star days are over!" And she hits a sudden burst of speed and a two pound little ball of fur is blasted at the back of the guy's leg.

Ben Reilly has posed:
"Oh, you want to..." Spidey wiggles a finger back and forth between himself and the Hoodlum formally known as Laser guy. In a crouchy position, tri-pod, like Iron Man only Spidery. "Alright, but... I don't think it ends the way you think it ends."

He pushes himself up, walking towards the guy... he's rather casual, clowning him really. A punch is thrown and Ben ducks his head to the side far to fast, "You can do it-" Another thrown punch and he dances around the outside of his fist with his hand coming up to slap forward against his wrist. Knocking the guy off balance. "-you were pretty close that time."

What is that thrumming sound and why are my spidey senses going off- Oh that's why...

The guy had a secondary weapon that Ben hadn't seen! A shockwave gauntlet!

Clever girl...

While the punch doesn't land flush, it doesn't have to. It passes by him and sends him flying when it WOOPS out a massive wave of sound. Tumbling end over end towards the goon running with the container of stolen STUFF!

Then right past him, "Don't move, I'll be right baaack..." Said as he slides to a hault in front of him somewhere. "I meant to do that. Everyone good?-" That last on comms, "I'm good.. definitely on purpose..." Dusting himself off as he stands, "What's in the box?"

Terry O'Neil has posed:
The thrummer suddenly finds himself with a face full of Vorpal fist, as the Cheshire cat comes out of a Rabbit Hole and /whams/ him across the chin, putting him out of the fight. "I've just about /had/ it with you guys, you don't even banter!"

Kaida's projectile approach is good. Just as the third man screeches to a halt and considers avoiding Spidey, she impacts him on the back of the knee, and the third blue guy goes /down/!

Unfortunately, so does the container he was carrying, which slams onto the street and cracks open.

The guy with the shockwave box, in the meantime, is knocked out by Vorpal, wielding his glowing croquet mallet. "Hey, guys!" the Cheshire calls out. "Everything under control over there?"

A mass of something, hard to define and see, swarms out of the container and makes for the first available target: Spidey. It gathers around him like a cloud, comprised of infinitesimal components. In a second, the right hand of his costume vanishes, leaving exposed skin in its wake.

Kaida Connolly has posed:
"Ha!" She declares as the guy goes down and then she spins around and pumps a small fist. Kaida looks over in time to see the man hitting with a mallet. She then looks over at the box that broke open and blinks as some thing comes flying out of it and starts going after Ben. She stares carefully at what is happening and then starts taking several steps back and shakes her head.

"Uh, nope!" Kaida declares as she looks at the box, racing around it a couple of times to try to find defining marks/words once Ben is fully under attack and then she races over to Terry and looks up at him, "Umm, got a firehose hiding somewhere?"

Ben Reilly has posed:
"Swiper no swipey." Spidey says to the last standing member of the Blue Man Thieves. "I'm good..." He says to Terry's request for an update, which is before the stuff starts circling him, "... I think." Now that it is..

And it doesn't take him long to realize that things are not okay.

"Belay that last!" His costume is disappearing! It starts with his gloves, then sleeve... then his pale arm is visible et al. Then part of his chest... Well this is awkward. When he begins to bolt, part of his face is visible, not enough to get a full identification or anything, but enough to make it clear that whatever is coming out of that canister is going to render him necky.

"Not cool, science, not cool!" Water! Using his scientifical brain, Ben surmisses that water should, in theory, render whatever is on him inert, if not just get tf off him! So he jumps, starts fire a webline, and finds that one of his webshooters is gone!

The other will be shortly, so he quickly fires it and swings towards the bay!

A bare naked butt JUST barely visible in all it's super well sculpted grandure, because Tom Holland, as he dives into the water with a SPLOOSH!

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"I guess we're not going to need that hose." Vorpal rubs the back of his neck. "... well, this is awkward," he says, watching Ben take a dip into the water. "... he's got a cute butt," he says to Kaida, since by now it is likely that the comm has been consumed as well, and Ben can't hear him. Wait. Can he?

The blue robbers are out for the count, so the Titans do a follow-up on the spider that went down the water spout. Fortunately for Ben, the prototypes did inded short out when they hit the water. They had clearly been designed for a very specific environment, and paying a visit to The Little Mermaid wasn't it.
5rA glowing, purple flying carpet floats over the bay after Vorpal offers Kaida a ride, and they both start going over the water, calling out.

"Hey, Scarlet! You alright?"

Vorpal dug into a Rabbit Hole that connected to his apartment in order to grab a pair of swim trunks, as well as his swim cap and goggles from his days in his high school swimming team. He didn't own masks, and this wasn't a lot, but you didn't need a lot to hide your identity- just enough coverage. Ask Dick.

Kaida Connolly has posed:
Blinking as she watches what is happening, Kaida shakes her head slowly before looking up to Terry and eying him, "Is that really all that is on your mind right now?" She sighs and shakes her head, "Cats." And then she follows after Terry and leaps on to his carpet before walking to the edge of it and looking over the edge with a smirk.

"So, why in the world would anyone build or create clothes eating nanobots?" She asks and looks up at Terry, "I mean, sure, if you were to render your enemies nude, they'd probably be less concerned with fighting but it hardly seems practical." She laughs and shrugs as she looks at the water and shakes her head.

"Scarlet cheeked spider! You ok?"

Ben Reilly has posed:
Ever seen Terminator 2?

Of course you have.

When Terry and Kaida come over the spot where Ben disappeared into the Bay, his hand pops out to give them a thumbs up. Not unlike the T-1000 going into the lava at the end of T2. When he pops out, he's got a bit of seaweed (or trash probably) covering his head in a way that looks entirely too intentional. He's intentionally using flora as a disguise. "This is so demoralizing." He sounds dejected.

Reaching up for whatever clothing options are present him.

While he had 100% heard Vorpal, he is going to save that for a callback in another scene long after Vorpal has forgotten he said it. And the worst part is he's right now saying he's going to do it and Vorpal will still be surprised.

The long con is Scarlet.

"Can we agree that this needn't ever be mentioned or brought up? No, hey Scarlet, remember that time you unironically went skinny dipping in the Metropolis bay? None of that. We're adults." ARE THEY THOUGH?

"WHO MAKES NANITES THAT EATS CLOTHES ANYWAYS?!"

"AND WHO STEALS THAT..."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"Not just clothes," Vorpal answers to both Kaida and Ben, pointing to the fact that even his web shooters seem to be gone. "Looks like it consumed all non-organic material on you. Imagine the stuff you could do with that- holes on bank walls in a second. Disarm anyone. Good thing you got them into the water- who knows where the swarm would have gone once it was done with your stuff?"

He offers Spidey a hands up to get onto the carpet, and soon they are soaring over the air, heading back towards the rooftops. "Let's grab our burgers and then we can head back to the tower so you can get something else on that doesn't make you look like you got lost on the way to a swim meet," he says to Ben, "The police finally got here," this is self-evident, as they can see this happening below them. The cat lets out a sigh, "I guess I should stay behind and give the statement, you two can get back to the tower via Rabbit Hole after we get our burgers."

And there they are, still on the rooftop where they were left, immaculate, untouched by other hands. "Aah... at least /something/ has gone right..."
5r

Kaida Connolly has posed:
"I still think that the criminals were just perverts." Kaida adds and then points at her own head, "Head canon!" She states and nods once to add emphasis before she settles down and pointedly doesn't look in Ben's direction until he is decent and then she adds, "Also, if they just go after whatever they want when they get out, sounds to me like the applications were silly at best." She then shrugs and blinks at the sight of her food.

She leaps to her burger and lands beside it, hugging the bun lightly and adding, "Oh, Burger. I hope you weren't too lonely without me! I love you so." And then she consumes the burger almost immediately with the speed of a voracious Tasmanian Devil.

Ben Reilly has posed:
Ben, having donned the swim cap, goggles, and trunks, accepts help onto the carpet. Sans clothing he is pretty much cut out of wood. Abs everywhere. Even his pecks have abs. If you're not into abs, this is not the body to look at. Every muscle is well defined and like sup. With or without flexing. Because comicbook anatomy is like that.

"This is embarassing." As if he's got anything to be embarassed about.

"I see the practical application of this weapon, sure, but I can't help thinking it was contrived and deliberate to make me get naked." This is a self analysis that needn't be pointed out. "Some divine force steering matters in a specific, predetermined, direction from which I had little escape..."

Or it's just par for the course for our young cloned hero?

Alas, there is the rooftops and the burgers there waiting for them! With his mouth practically watering as they near the rooftop where their burgers were left behind! Yet remained untouched. "Be still my heart.." Swooning, he jumps off the carpet onto the ledge a few steps away from his burger. One, then two steps towards it, a grin spreads ear to ear!

Reaching down for it!

"CAAAAAAW!" A giant bald eagle descends from high above, possibly for the mouse amongst them, but rather than going for it... it hits Ben's burger and swoops away with it...

"no.. why..."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
Vorpal looks. At least, until he realizes he's looking, and quickly looks away back to the burgers. His is right there, and when he bites into it, he lets out a little sigh. A choir of angels sings in the background, powered by his powers of illusions.

And then, the eagle carries Ben's meal away.

Commiserating, the Cheshire puts a hand on Ben's shoulder and says, "You have to look on the bright side of things, Scarlet. Between this and the nanites, you can now say that people just can't keep their hands off your buns."

He knows he is going to be thwapped for that. But he lives dangerously, and does not regret anything.

Kaida Connolly has posed:
A look at the flying away eagle and Kaida hmms as she looks at it before looking to Ben and then at the eagle and then she casually pushes her fries toward Ben, "Here, have some fries! They're good for-" And then a seagull descends and snatches the small box of fries and flies off. She stares for a moment and then looks to Ben and shakes her had, "you're bad luck for food." She then casually walks over and kicks Terry before shaking her head, "Bun punning when a man is in pain. Really innappropriate."

Ben Reilly has posed:
"I hate you." Ben says to Vorpal, but he doesn't mean it. He looks like a child who was scolded and sent to bed without dinner for running around the table naked, which is surprisingly accurate. Head hanging, arms loose at his sides. Supreme levels of dejection. Growing hunger pains... and lots of abs.

Scarlet Spider, this is your life.

Shut up brain, nobody got no time for you rn okay?

There is silver lining! Fries being held out towards him, "You're beaut- OH COME ON!" As they're wisked away by the seagull. "Tht's just *BLEEP* Are you *BLEEP* kidding me!?" Hands thrown up in the air, his usually controlled temper reaches the boiling point.

He walks away on the sounds of descending *BLEEPS* amidsts more complaints on the poor quality of his luck.