9608/Lydia's Wake

Lydia's Wake
Date of Scene:	13 January 2022
Location:	Mystique's Quarters
Synopsis:	Lydia has a moment with Mystique and Clarice to talk about what she's lost since she turned into a vampire. A path forward is decided upon.
Cast of Characters:	Lydia Dietrich, Raven Darkholme, Clarice Ferguson

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Lydia Dietrich has posed:
Lydia's been thinking a lot about what Jon said to her before the angels invaded Manhattan. She never really did allow herself to grieve and process her own death. She felt like she had to stay strong for her lover and her best friend's sake who /had/ been grieving. But now? Now it's her turn.

So she sent a text to Raven and Clarice asking them to meet her in their quarters and to bring tissues. She suspects she'll need them and it's better to be prepared and not stain her nice blouse than not.

When they arrive they find her curled up in her office chair, legs drawn up and her chin resting on her knees. She's wearing the athletic wear that she's been wearing for the better part of the week, a white sports bra and black yoga pants. Patiently she waits for them to arrive.

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Even with everything else going on, when Lydia calls, Mystique puts aside what she's going, puts in the comm ear piece and heads out to meet her. In this case it was heading back to her own room, which makes it easier given she can escape for a time. Collecting a box of Kleenex, because Lydia said to bring them, she heads back to her room.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    With the fate of reality in the balance - Clarice has been busy. The evacuations went as well as could be expected, but stubborn New Yorkers were still periodically filtering into Grand Central Station needing evac, and supplies and personnel needed moving daily, keeping the teleporter busy - as was making sure all the refugee camps had the supplies to house and feed the 2 million or so evacuees. What a mess.
    But for her family - she has time. She //makes// time. She meets Mystique in the halls, dressed in casual sweat pants and an oversized shirt (apparently she'd been resting). She gives the woman a broad smile, and a nudge with her shoulder as she opens the door to let the pair of them in.
    "Hey Lydia," she greets the woman, going in for a brief hug, before she'll find herself a seat, a curious but concerned look on her features.

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
Lydia unfolds herself to accept Clarice's hug. "Hey, sis." She waits a bit for everybody to get settled. Drawing her legs up to her chest again she says, "I don't know how to start this," she says. "So I guess I'll say it plainly. I died, and I never really got a chance to mourn myself. I... only shared bits and pieces, but I've bee keeping a lot of the feelings that I've had inside because I didn't want to burden you with my feelings."

She looks at Mystique, "I know you still blame yourself for it, for the decision to turn me, and I didn't want to add to that." She turns her attention to Clarice, "And I know you're still kind of bothered by it. That... there's still some lingering fear as to what I've become, and I didn't want to add to that either. So I guess I need to talk about what happened, and how I felt on my end."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Mystique offered Lydia a hug, a light kiss and then went for the alcohol in the cabinet, her good stuff.

"Just like you to put yourself aside and worry about others first," she comments, leaving it at that because she just plain couldn't grasp the concept of grieving a death that wasn't actually a death. Pouring some brandy into a glass, she looks to Clarice by way of offering to pour her some if she wants.

"You have every right to share what you're feeling," she then adds, because that was the truth no matter what else she might be thinking.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    Clarice nods to Mystique, though her attention is largely on Lydia, concern knitting her brows as she listens to the other woman's words. "Your feelings aren't a burden. They're //important,//" she counters. "And... yeah, what happened to you bothers me. Of course it does. But I'm not afraid of you, Lydia. I- if anything, I've been afraid //for// you. You thought I've been afraid of you all this time?" she asks, her eyes locked onto her friend.

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
Lydia leans into Mystique's hug, and closed her eyes when they kissed. She looks to Clarice and silently nods. "Yeah. I mean.... you don't want to be a donor, but you put yourself on the list anyway, which is nice, but still... I've seen the way you react to when I feed."

Already the tears start falling, and she reaches out to grab a tissue to dab at her eyes and cheeks before the blood can fall and make a mess. "I hate crying," she says bitterly. "Of all the things about what I am, for some reason this bothers me the most."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Once both glasses of brandy are poured, Mystique delivers one to Clarice then continues over to where Lydia is sitting. She sets the glass on Lydia's desk, picks Lydia up for a moment, sits herself in the chair and puts Lydia in her lap. Wrapping both arms around her, she lays her cheek against her lover and offers a new Kleenex, just in case.

"Crying is natural," she offers, snuggling against Lydia's back. "It shouldn't matter if their tears or blood, just need to invest in more Kleenex or some handkerchiefs."

She doesn't have comments about Clarice and the feeding, that's something she accepted a while back and has not pushed it since. She's made sure to keep Clarice on the list, as wanted, but always further down the line so it really wouldn't ever happen.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I don't- that's not-" Clarice protests, letting out a frustrated sigh as she has to take a moment to gather her thoughts. "That's- when you fed off Raven, she went so... docile. Passive. That's not her, and it's- ...I spent half of my life like that, Lydia. It's not //you// I'm afraid, but I can't- I don't mind giving the blood. I just- it took me a little while to figure out why it bothered me so much, but it's not because I'm afraid of you.
    "I'm not afraid of you, Lydia," she insists in an almost pleading voice, wiping at her own tears as she holds the brandy in her off hand. She wants to go hug the woman herself - but she stays where she is, letting Mystique see to her lover on her own.

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
Lydia wraps her arms around Raven as she's picked up and set in her lap. She lets out a breath that's almost the beginning of a chuckle, and takes the offered kleenex.

She listens to Clarice as she tries to explain her feelings and nods. "Yeah," she says. "Okay. That makes sense when you put it that way. I didn't /mean/ to make Raven be like that. It was my first time and I wanted to make sure that she wasn't hurt. I was so focused on that, so I kind of overdid it." She looks down at her knees as she snuggles back into Raven. "I've had a lot of practice, now."

"95 days," she says after a moment of silence. "It's been 95 days since I've died. I don't know why I count the days, though. It seems..." She closes her eyes and dabs at her cheeks again. "Self indulgent upon reflection." She's silent again before adding, "I miss being alive."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Mystique snuggles into Lydia, closing her eyes for a moment to just enjoy her lover's presence. It was rare these days, so much going on, but it was all part of the sacrifice of being the 'heroes'.

"I wasn't fond of how docile is made me, but only after the fact," she admits as she opens her eyes. "Honestly, if I could offer my blood to Lydia every day I would because OH... MY... GAWD... that sensation is /amazing/. Truth is, I could offer blood every day now."

Picking up the brandy she takes a small sip, then offers the glass to Lydia in case she wants a sip, or perhaps just to smell it. Brandy had a unique scent that Mystique enjoyed, but she had no idea if Lydia did or not, either way, it was offered.

"You remember how many days Lydia, because it is like an unbirthday," she offers quietly. "That's not the right word for it, but it's all I could think of."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "Has it really been that long?" Clarice asks quietly, looking down at the cup in her hands.
    "I wish it didn't make me uneasy, Lydia - I really do. You were hurt, and I knew what you needed to get better, and your friend - that Sims fellow - was able to offer it, and I- couldn't. I'm sorry. I mean, if were ever really necessary, I would. I wouldn't just let something bad happen to you but-" She lets out a heavy sigh.
    "I'm sorry. I really wish it didn't bother me."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
"I know," Lydia says to Raven. "But I want others to get used to the idea that I need blood to live on, so you aren't my only option for when I get hungry." She returns to contemplating her knees for a little bit. "It's my deathday. Rebirthday? October twelfth. I wonder if I should celebrate it instead of my birthday now."

"No," she tells Clarice. "It's okay. Now that I understand where it's coming from. Jon was... brave to offer like he did. He was kidnapped, not too long ago, like I was, and was nearly drained dry. That was his first experience with being fed on by a vampire. It's surprising that despite of that he let me feed off of him."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Mystique grins coyly, then gives Lydia's butt a light pinch. "Didn't say it was all about feeding you."

Enough joking, that's for later. "Re-Birthday," she then says, focusing back on the topic. "I think first, you should mourn your own death. I don't get it, but I don't have to get it... then decide if you want to celebrate the day you were Embraced. Hells Lydia, you can celebrate both days, birth and re-birth if you want."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    For just a moment, Clarice looks stricken at the thought of //celebrating// the day of Lydia's death, but she tries to cover for it by taking a sip of her brandy.
    "I understand it," she offers quietly. "I mean- I wanted to mourn," she admits. "But it felt like I was betraying you, because you were right here, and Theo and Pete were both acting like there was something wrong with me, that I wanted to mourn, but- you died, because we didn't get there on time. And- and if things had been left to me, you wouldn't be here now, because I was so terified that this would be something you'd object to, this sort of life, and-" She wipes at her eyes with frustration.
    "But everyone seemed to think there was... nothing to mourn, so I shoved it all back down."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
Lydia nods at Clarice. "No, I think you're right. I died... but I came back. You don't come back from the dead without giving something up in return. It's a big change in my life, and Jon told me it was okay to mourn the loss of who you were." She hunches over so she can snuggle more closely to Raven, "It's why I called you all here."

She scowls, "How do I do that? How do I mourn my own death?" She snorts as a though occurs to her. "Should we hold a funeral and I can lay in a coffin while you all weep over my lifeless body?" Randomly, she says, "I miss having to pee."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
The snuggle is welcomed, the topic of conversation... not so much. Mystique snuggles back, laying her check against Lydia's head for a moment.

"I don't know how to mourn," she states bluntly. "But I really do not want to see you in a coffin. If that's what you decide you need to do, I'll try, but I can't make any promises."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I'd say that- well. What we're doing //now// makes more sense," Clarice counters. "Maybe... we sit, and talk, remember things we miss like- well. Like a day spent on the beach in the bahamas - snorkeling in the sunshine," she offers. "We talk, and we remember, and we mourn." And perhaps drink. She takes another sip from her brandy before adding, "I don't know that I'd miss peeing - or pooping. But there are things I'd miss..."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
"I was joking, mostly," Lydia says. "I don't think I could lie in a coffin and listen to you all cry without just popping out and hugging you all." She nods at Clarice's suggestion. "Yeah.... yeah. I do miss that."

"I didn't think I'd miss the sun as much as I do," she says after a while. "You'd think writing the things I do that I'd prefer the night time, and I didn't think it'd be a big deal but after a while... you notice."

She lifts her face to the ceiling, eyes closed as tears leak out. "I remember when the sun was a warm, inviting thing. Something to look forward to on a nice spring day. I can still go out in it but now... now it's harsh and glaring, and saps my energy like it would if I were out in the desert with no water. Instead of showing the earth vibrant and alive, it's like an interrogator shining a light in my eyes trying to get me to confess my sins."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Mystique takes another Klenex and this time she reaches up to wipe the tears off Lydia's face gently,

"It might not be the same, but we could always make the sun," she offers, not quite getting the idea of mourning what is missed rather then trying to find solutions to the problems. It's how her brain works, find a problem and fix it as best you can, even if that means duct tape and wire.

She pauses there, considering, trying to grasp at the idea actually mourning something that is gone and not just losing herself in the anger until the pain was gone like she had done in the past, many, many times. The thought of what it would have been like if Lydia /had/ died crosses her mind, that anger and pain making a knot in her chest.

"What else do you miss?" She finally asks quietly.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I didn't know it was like that," Clarice admits, when Lydia describes the sun to her. "I should take us on our next night-time field trip at some point," she muses, an amused smile crossing her features - before she sobers up again.
    "Do you miss eating properly?" she asks quietly, in a solemn yet curious voice.

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
Lydia lolls her head back so it's resting on Raven's shoulder as she speaks. "I miss that warm cozy feeling you get when you're snuggled in bed with somebody. I enjoy the physical contact of it still, but the warm cozy part? I..." she starts, struggling to put it into words. "I still feel heat and cold. It's what lets me know not to stick my hand in an open flame. But it's... impactless. Analytical. Like when we went to the arctic to watch the Northern Lights. I could tell it was cold. I could even tell /how/ cold it was. But I just didn't /feel/ it. Same thing with warmth."

She smiles at Clarice's question, eyes still closed. "Yes, and no. Like with heat and cold, I can still taste things, and I can tell if they taste good, but none of it tastes /yummy/ anymore. But blood.... oh my God," she breathes. "When you're a vampire there's nothing like it. Take the most rich and satisfying cheesecake you've ever had and amp that up by a hundred. You would think that it would get old pretty quick, but no. Everybody tastes a little bit different, and that little bit is magnified for us. They haven't invented words to describe all the different flavors I taste now."

"And when I'm drinking it's.... blissful. Almost orgasmic, if it can be orgasmic in a non sexual way." She grins a sly little grin and turns to nip on Raven's neck, "The line is thin that enough it can easily turn that way though." Turning back to address her friend and to keep herself from starting something inappropriate before her she says, "It's best when it's fresh. When it's been in a bag it's... stale. It does the job but there's little joy in it."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Mystique takes another small sip of the brandy, then sets the glass down so she can lightly caress Lydia's arm. Placing a kiss on her lovers head, she listens to her describing what it's like, what is missing in eating and what drinking blood is like. She was right, it could very easily become sexually orgasmic. Having been fed on numerous times, she could almost imagine it taking that small step from pleasure like nothing on earth could imitate into the realms of sexual pleasure... and then Lydia nips her neck and sends a jolt through the cobalt mutant and makes her grin turn almost coquettish.

"I've said all along," she comments with a slight cough, getting her brain back on the topic of mourning and not on Lydia's various delightful parts. "There aren't any words to express it, but I can tell you Clarice, it's not that intense when Lydia doesn't want it to be intense."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "So... like you're removed from sensation?" Clarice is thoughtful for a moment before remarking, "Honesty, in a way, it doesn't sound all that different from my time with the magistrates. Things felt different. Removed. It's probably not really the same, though."
    She finishes off her glass, setting it aside as she continues to listen.

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
"Some," Lydia admits. "My other senses are pretty keen and have impact. It's just the hot and cold parts are..." she shrugs. "I don't know. It's just that /what/ has impact has changed. The smell of blood, the sound of your heartbeat, feeling somebody's pulse through their skin," she says running a hand up to caress Raven's neck, "these are the things that affect me most. My whole body is tuned to blood and feeding."

"Food is something else I miss, but I think I miss it more on principle than anything else," she says. "It's like, my sense as to what is 'food' has changed. I miss the feeling of full after a good hearty meal.... but I get that with blood." She scowls a little bit, "I think I like the blood better to be honest. Is that wrong?" she asks, looking at Clarice. "It feels wrong, but..." She shakes her head, "It feels like I'm surrendering to what I am."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
It Mystique could purr, she would be, instead she looks entirely too relaxed while eyeing Lydia with a grin that says more than words could about what she would be doing to her later.

"I don't think it's wrong," she comments softly. "I also don't think it's surrendering. I see it more as accepting what you are, rather than fighting every single aspect of it. Sure, you want to fight that beast in there, but really that's the only part that needs to be fought." She shrugs a little, caressing Lydia's side.

"Do you want to constantly be fighting everything?" She then asks, the answer to that more important than she was willing to let on. If Lydia intended to constantly be at battle with herself over what she was, she would never be whole, never be... herself, ever again.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "You're feeding from willing people, Lydia - people who, in at least some cases, genuinely care about you. And it doesn't do us any harm. Why should that be wrong?" Clarice asks bluntly.
    "I want you to be happy - Theo and Pete to, and Raven... I don't want you to ever feel bad about what we give freely. Alright?"

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
Lydia is silent and still for a moment as she considers Raven's question. "I don't want to fight, no. It feels like just... accepting it is wrong. Like it means that they've won somehow. They wanted to turn me into a vampire, and that's what they got. I just... I know I have to accept it sooner or later. I have an eternity to live with it. It just... I don't know if I'm ready to let go being human."

"I think that's why I'm doing this. To help me let go. It's painful," she says, "mourning who I was. But I'm still me, underneath it all. I'm just... a little different, that's all." She shakes her head, "I have to internalize that."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Mystique's hand continues to caress lightly over Lydia's side, nothing sexual about it, just the warmth and connection through the touch. She could understand in part what her lover was saying, but the logical part of the cobalt mutant's mind could entirely grasp it all. Perhaps that was a bad thing, that she couldn't understand the need to mourn something like this. That in her mind, despite the pain it caused herself, she had worked through as quickly as she could and come out the other side accepting what had happened, what she had chosen, and what Hatshepsut would have done with or without her vote. It was pretty common knowledge that Mystique was disconnected from a lot of emotions that others took for granted, that the years of fighting, suffering and hating had taken a great deal of her 'humanity' and destroyed it.

"You already know you're allowed to take as much time as you need," she says, leaning to kiss Lydia's forehead. "I'll do what I can, be there for you no matter what. I wish I could offer more than that." She pauses there, a soft sigh. "I wish I could say I understood it, but I don't need to, I just need to be there for you no matter what."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "They wanted to turn you into a vampire like //them//. One without qualms or morals. They didn't get //that,//" Clarice points out bluntly. "Because you're still you. You might not be human anymore - but you're still Lydia, and still yourself. Both can be true." Clarice gives her friend a small, tight smile.
    "It doesn't surprise me that it's painful. Your freedom was taken from you. Your choices. You were changed against your will - and against the wills of those that love you best. That's painful for all of us," and that was something she was painfully, viscerally familiar with, whether or not it was the //same// - there were at least enough similarities to draw parallels.

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
"I know," Lydia says, reaching up to give Raven a kiss on the jawline. "That's all I ask for to just... be there with me. You haven't let me down." She settle back down in Raven's embrace. "I don't expect you to understand. That feeling of becoming something /else/. It's like when your mutant power kicks in, but bone deep. It's a wonder, and it's scary, and your life will never be the same again."

"You're right, Clarice. In the end they made a powerful enemy out of me than an unwilling servant." She shakes her head. "I don't know if I'd say 'unwilling.' The fact that I was put in that situation was unwilling, yes. But the choice to turn me? I would have taken it if it was up to me."

"I think I have to work on accepting myself, and letting go. I think I want to have some kind of symbolic gesture for letting go." she concludes. "Kind of like scattering ashes to the wind."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
Closing her eyes, Mystique just rests against Lydia while trying to think, trying to understand. There was no wonder to her becoming a mutant, there was terror and attempted murder, and that start to it all was the foundation, the beginning of the emotional blocks she still had. She understood that Lydia was attempting to give a reference point that she might understand, and in a small way she did, which would have to be enough because trying to look any deeper made the cobalt mutant want to go punch something.

"Maybe that's what we do then," she offers. "Take pieces of the things you lost and burn them, then spread those ashes in a location of your choosing."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "Maybe it could also be... I don't know. Symbolically shedding some of those things you miss?" Clarice muses quietly, "and sharing them with others. Donating some of your favorite foods to a homeless shelter? Offering disadvantage youths the opportunity to do some of the things you used to enjoy doing, but can't really do anymore? That sort of thing?" She watches Lydia curiously for her reaction to the suggestion, not sure if it really would offer the closure she would want.

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
Lydia's lips press together as she thinks about what Raven and Clarice has to say. "I think Raven has the right of it," she says, finally. "I think the ritual will help, it appeals to the witch in me." She looks over to Clarice, "Those are good suggestions, too. Maybe I'll donate some of my sundresses to charity. Especially the green and yellow ones that I bought to compliment my power back when it /was/ green. Now they just make me look jaundiced."

Her expression turns a little sad. "That's another thing I miss. Glowing green. I was always a little proud of it, how it made me stand out, how it made me kind of unique. This..." she says waving a hand through the motes of darkness that surround her, "is okay, I suppose. Not the same. I think I'll keep one of those dresses to burn."

Raven Darkholme has posed:
This time Mystique wraps her arms around Lydia to hug her close, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head, then a small one for her lips. "You are still beautiful," she offers quietly. "But... that one I can understand, missing the green I mean, but yes, that is exactly my thought. Find the pieces you want to add, we'll find a place to burn it all, everything and anything you want, then gather the ashes and pick a location to spread them."

She glances over to Clarice. "Donating food is something that already happens, but how about we find one of the mostly forgotten homeless shelters, and serve up a full on meal that you miss Lydia. Share one last time your favorite food, and help those in need at the same time."

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    "I mean, that's exactly what I was thinking," Clarice agrees. "There's no real reason we can't do both things - if it's at all helpful." She gives Lydia a small, encouraging smile. "And I'm willing to take those ashes anywhere you like. Even the depths of space if you like. Or the moon, though that's pretty exhausting for me."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
Lydia lets out a soft laugh, "I don't know about tossing ashes on the moon. I mean... now that I don't have to breathe I'd love to walk around on there some day. How many people can say that they've walked on the moon?"

She lets out a little sound of contentment when Raven hugs her close and kisses her. "If anything I'm more beautiful now than I was. If I'd known that being dead would give me a clear complexion I would have turned /ages/ ago."

"I think we have a plan, now," she says looking thoughtful. "It's just a matter of getting the things together that I want to burn, and figure out what my 'favorite' dish is. It's hard to narrow it down!"

Raven Darkholme has posed:
There is no way that Mystique is going to comment that technically speaking, she walked on the moon... in the Justice League's moon base. She also ran around shooting a blob on the moon, and watched several new 'moon' craters be created as Danvers slammed someone repeated /into/ the moon.

"So make a whole menu," she offers, nibbling a little at Lydia's neck. "We'll serve it all up, and when you have things together, we'll find the place to burn it and you decide the place to spread it..." she continues to nibble along to the under the chin, then kisses Lydia again.

Clarice Ferguson has posed:
    Clarice shrugs at Lydia as she offers, "I mean, if you ever really wanted to - I'd take you there. But after going there and back - I'm pretty much done for the day," Clarice says in a wry voice.
    She flashes Lydia a brief smile as she adds, "I'm glad we have a plan. And... it really is okay to feel sad, Lydia. I was definitely sad. I still am a little - but I'm glad you're here with us still, at the same time."

Lydia Dietrich has posed:
Lydia giggles as she's nibbled upon and lightly whaps Raven. "Stop that. If you keep doing that we'll have to kick Clarice out." She squirms a bit in her embrace, "Nevermind. Clarice? If you please? Raven and I have business to attend to."