Owner	Pose
Jonathan Sims	Jon tries not to walk /too/ fast as he and Cael go out through the hallway and into the garden beyond. He shortens his stride to keep pace with her, rather than tugging her on out into a place of relative privacy and seclusion. He's not just going to drag her out there and insist she give him the statement right away. He's going to be polite. He's going to explain his earlier irritation. He really is.     Once they're out in the open air, the stars twinkle brightly in a sky lit by a roundly gibbous moon. New York is overcast tonight, but that overcast seems to be below them, in the form of an expansive cloud bank surrounding the island. Jon hesitates, staring at Cael for a moment, then abruptly pulls away from her and walks over toward a bench.     "Sorry," they say. "Sorry. It's only been a week. A little over a week. I don't know why I'm so... mmmf."
Cael Becker	"Does it usually take longer than a week for it to get this bad?" Cael asks, trying to understand things - as she slows her pace once they enter the garden. She stoops, rather than joining Jon, and takes a moment to fasten Bear's vest while the pup starts to practically wiggle with excitement. He gets to go play with Lady! In a garden! Oh happy happy day!     Once the vest is removed, he's off like a shot, while Cael moves towards the bench. She sets the vest down, and takes a seat, reaching out to take Jon's hand.     "We need to find a way to get you more statement - maybe start a list of friends who'd be willing to share? Perhaps Sara tells you about how she got the Witchblade, or Chas tells you- ...something." There's probably plenty of options there. "Or Rien can tell you about- well. Hunting demons." She smiles at Jon encouragingly as she makes these suggestions.
Jonathan Sims	Lady takes off after Bear, barking up a joyous storm as she follows the larger pup and--oh, moths! Those are fun to chase! The dogs are going to have a good time, is the point.     Jon frowns, and swallows, and looks down at Cael's hand holding his. "I... I get by alright with the paper statements. It keeps it from being... well, it keeps me from withdrawal. But it isn't... /satisfying/. I've thought of going 'round the city and pulling statements off buildings, but I worry..."     They frown, jaw shifting. "Cael... right now, some part of me isn't seeing you as a... person. It's seeing you as a statement-giver, a... gods, the best way I can put it is 'as something to eat.' I'm starting to understand why the Archivists pull away from people. Everyone you know becomes fodder for statements, all their experiences just... fuel for the Archive. And you're just... /okay/ with that?"
Cael Becker	Cael considers this for a moment, her expression thoughtful, and momentarily distant. "I don't... understand entirely, everything that you are. Everything you've become. But... you need, it right? And it doesn't harm me. And when you're not... like this, you love me for who I am. Not because I'm willing to give you statements, or whatever other stupid reason there might be. You love me, and I love you, and I want you to be happy, and- I dunno know. Healthy? Comfortable? Mentally well? Whatever it is these things do for you."     She smiles a bit wryly as she adds, "I mean, I don't //like// having you look at me that way, but it also doesn't upset me. You know?" She gives his hand a squeeze then adds, "I say you give your friends full disclosure - and we see who'd be willing to 'donate' statements for you, sometimes. Yeah? And whenever the JLD gets involved in something... Maybe some of those witnesses can give statements, too. There has to be a way to get you more access to them, in a way that doesn't harm anyone."     Her gaze flicks briefly towards the frolicking pups, before returning to Jon's features.
Jonathan Sims	"I mean, that's what I'm supposed to be... doing. Getting statements from people involved in... well, not just supernatural events, but, largely, supernatural events. There's a reason I'm drawn to dangers involving angels and demons and magic realms and the like." Jon sighs, and looks up, finally, at Cael.     "Maybe I'm so eager partly /because/ I love you. I love you, so I want to understand you, and what's happened to you. Even if it's painful, even if it's terrifying... I want to hold your memories in the Archive, any of them I can get." They laugh, a little shakily. "I know that sounds weird, but it makes sense, from my perspective. Your statements, I... treasure them. Even as horrible as they were... they're part of you."     He reaches out to cup Cael's cheek with his free hand. "What I said about souls being... records of experience... it's true, as far as I know. That's what we're /all/ meant for. So maybe it's just that I want to... touch your soul more directly. Who /doesn't/ want to know the ones they love more completely?"     They sigh. "I suppose if I'm not compelling the statement, it's hardly hurting anyone, right? I'm the one that has the terrible dreams, and I'm not forcing anything on you."
Cael Becker	"And preserve a piece of me for eternity?" Cael supposes in a thoughtful voice. "'Cael Becker was here. The most impactful memories of her life are stored for posterity.' ...I mean. I guess all that makes sense."     She turns her head then, so she can kiss the wrist of the hand they've cupped to her cheek. "And no - it doesn't hurt me. This is my choice, Jon - because I think you //should// know everything that happened down there. Because... it's important to me, and because it's about your Gods. And because I love you, and I don't want you feeling- how does it make you feel? Anxious? Unwell? Restless?" she theorizes uncertainly.
Jonathan Sims	"I mean... think about how you'd feel if you were on a liquid diet for weeks. Or rice and chicken or something. Getting enough nutrition to be able to live, but never being able to have anything really tasty. No noodles. No noodles for /weeks/." Jon manages to grin, but it's brief. "And then you get a bowl of ramen, and it's some of the best ramen you've had. Good, and filling, and amazingly tasty. Reminding you what you've been missing."     A pause, and then they say more quietly, "And then the next day you go back to that other, bland food, and it's just..."     He sighs and shakes his head, and fishes in his pocket for the microcasette recorder he takes basically everywhere. "Hungry," he says. "That's the best word I can use. I feel /hungry/." He leans down to kiss her and then sits back. "Just... tell me when you're ready and I'll get us started."
Cael Becker	Cael nods her understanding, and returns the kiss, before shifting to lean her shoulder into Jon, her eyes falling close for the moment.     "I'm ready, Jon. You can start your tape," she enourages him. Jon and his silly little tapes - she's gotten used to //that// much by now, at least.
Jonathan Sims	Jon sighs and starts up the tape, speaking in a firm and clear voice. "Statement of Cael Becker, regarding her death, journey to the Duat, and subsequent return to life. Recorded 12th of May, 2022. Statement taken direct from subject."     A pause, and there's a faint sense of compulsion in the next words, a compulsion to talk, tell the whole story, leave out no details.     "Statement begins."
Cael Becker	Cael can feel the compulsion, and while she'd expected it - there's a momentary flicker of annoyance, as she can feel the power of Jon's position trying to force her to talk about the one thing she'd had no intention of sharing - the process of and the moment of dying. That did not need to be in the archive. Jon and Agnes didn't need that - so after opening, and closing he rmouth, she clenches her hands tightly - and manages to force herself to skip past that bit. Mostly.     "One moment, I was lying on the floor, looking up at you, trying to stay with you... And suddenly, I was standing just behind you, and you didn't quite look real, and Alis looked so real, and you were so full of despair and grief... I wanted to reach out to you, to touch you, to tell you I was still there - still with you - but the thought that I might not be able to terrified me. ...so I didn't try. I stood there watching.     "And then Alya was there." She takes a deep breath in, and lets it out slowly before she adds, "She told me the Gods had granted my request - that, even though it was unusual, I'd be allowed to go to Duat, to weigh my heart and earn my place in the Field of Reeds. She said I could come, immediately, or the offer wouldn't come again. I wanted to scream, and cry, and bed - but what good would it do? I didn't want to leave you - but I didn't think you'd want me to exist like that with no life of my own, never changing, just tied to you...So I agreed to go. She invited Alis as well, and neither of us knew that was at all strange, and- where one of us goes, we both go, so we went together. I said goodbye, and I walked away." A tear streaks down her cheek at the memory of that moment - and the pain it'd caused. But she didnt see any other choice.
Jonathan Sims	While Jon /wanted/ to get the details of Cael's death, he doesn't push the matter. He isn't going to force anything out of her that she isn't willing to give; she's not someone he needs to judge, after all. He doesn't /need/ those details. She'll tell him when she's ready, which might be never. And he'll have to accept that.     They sit quietly, listening, a subtle change in their posture. Intent, focused, but shortly after Cael starts talking they exhale in a kind of relief that she might have noticed before if she's been around them for their first cigarette of the day. The quiet, elated relief of the first hit after a drought.
Cael Becker	\     "Alya took us through the commoners route - but I'd been there before. Through a hall of fire - but the gate was already open, no need to burn my hands. And the fire-crocodile didn't try to bar my path. It didn't feel oppressive, either, it felt... soothing. Almost- life giving. Like sitting by the hearth with a cup of tea after coming in from skiing," she explains, to draw on a very recent analogy. "Then we passed into the hall of ice - and the lion was still damaged, and trapped - as if nothing had changed since me, and Lydia, and Phoebe, and Caitlyn had passed that way. And rather than feeling... so cold it sapped your strength, it was like- well. Like stepping into air conditioning on the hottest day of the year. And finally... The hall of blood, with his fucking terrible violent bloody water horse - the hippo wasn't there. And the room felt... peaceful. Weirdly peaceful. Like I should stay a while, and rest, and just... enjoy it. And it was a relief, you know. Alis was with me - I wouldn't be alone. And Alya - she could let you and Agnes now that I was alright, and waiting for you in the Field of Reeds... It wasn't so bad. It wasn't want we wanted, but- it could have been worse." Though, it was still strange to remember it how peaceful that hall of blood had been.     "And then we stepped into the hall of judgement - Alya thought I'd pass, you know. She was convinced Ma'at wouldn't choose an avatar who would love someone whose heart wasn't... light." And she hopes that's true.      "The Gods were surprised to see Alis, though. Anubis was pretty unhappy about it. When Alya was questioned, she was forced to- her voice changed. She became //herself,// you know? She said it was unfair that we save the world, and we get so little time together. That I die weeks after bringing you back. That- she couldn't watch you suffer and do nothing. Even being what she is right now - she cares for you, and risks herself for you," she confides.
Jonathan Sims	"That's how it felt when I was dead," Jon murmurs softly in response to Cael's statements about the way down. "It was all... soothing, and cooling, and helpful. Even the fire didn't really burn, it just made me more... Ra." Which meant losing more of himself, but that's what is /supposed/ to happen down there, so.     Then he listens again, and actually sobs at what Cael says about Alya, closing his eyes for a moment. Just for a moment, and then it's like they're forced open again while he listens to Cael go on.
Cael Becker	"Ma'at also wanted me saved - if it could be done, for your sake," Cael adds. "And Thoth felt you'd suffered enough. So when Alya suggested Alis be judged first to give Sara more time... they all agreed. Except for Anubis, and they let Alis have the choice. She did it for both of us, you know," she confides. "To give us a life together." A few tears start to streak down her cheeks now. "She told me not to- to blame myself. Said we'd see each other again when I was some old lady dying in my bed. And she told me to live. To keep getting better, and not to hide from the world, and- to never turn away from my family." She reaches up to wipe at her eyes as she adds, "I'm trying, you know. It's a lot to life up to - for me. But I'm trying."     She takes a deep breath in, and lets it out slowly as she adds "And then she stepped forward, and Thoth helped her to recite the- well. The things she hadn't done. She kept giggling at them, you know? And while she did - Alya came back to my side. She said I was good for you. That she wasn't sure Martin could have gotten you to return to the land of the living - I don't know about that, though. She said... she thought I already seemed better - lighter - than I had been the last time she saw me.     "And she said-" The words come naturally from her this time - rather than having to struggle to remember what was said, during a chaotic and confusing moment of her 'life,' "Tell Jon that there's something wrong with the sun. Tell him that it's trying to darken the light of the moon." She's silent a moment before confirming, "Yes. That was it."     She doesn't linger on it before adding, "Of course, that's when Anubis decided to be a //fucking ass// to a frightened teenage girl, telling Alis her heart felt heavy. But Thoth and Ma'at gave him shit. Thoth said it was no heavier than many people who'd already passed. And Ma'at told him to stop acting like a child. And that... it wasn't Alis's fault Anubis no longer had... primacy?" She clearly doesn't understand what was said, but she does remember, "Anubis did not like that.     "And then Alis's heart passed. We hugged again. I didn't want to let her go - but I knew I had to, and as she walked away I felt... a pull - at my chest. At my heart. There was light, and a pull, and Alis shouted with joy and excitement and- and the next thing I know, I was in SHIELD's infirmary. ...I wonder if Alis heard me say that I loved her?" she muses quietly.
Jonathan Sims	"Statement ends." Jon doesn't need to ask; he can /tell/ when a statement's done, and this one is. He lets out another long breath and clicks off the recorder, then leans forward to wrap his arms around Cael, burying his face in her hair.     "Thank you," they murmur, managing to hold back a sob. There's a lot to process, and they'll get there in a moment, but for now... "Thank you. I hate that I feel lighter now. Gods."     A sniffle, and then, "I'm sure Alis knows. Even... even if she didn't hear you. She knows."
Cael Becker	"She knows," Cael agrees as she hugs Jon back, clinging to them, and breathing in their scent.     "Even the Gods want us to be together, Jon," she murmurs quietly - with her face buried against their neck. "Ma'at, and Thoth... and Sekhmet, I suppose. And, I mean, definitely Alya, and Alis. They believe in us. This is where I belong - right here. Right here with you."
Jonathan Sims	Jon laughs softly. "Well, your sheer stubborn unwillingness to let me go saved the universe, yeah? I imagine the gods aren't entirely blind. And it's in Ma'at's interest to keep me happy. And Thoth's to keep Agnes happy, for when she takes over the position." Will Agnes serve Thoth the way he used to? Is the Archive just Ma'at's now? That... is not actually a question he's thought to ask. Huh.     They shake that off, and kiss Cael's hair, and sigh. "I'll let Steven know the exact wording of Alya's warning. I am... not remotely surprised to hear Anubis was upset at a lack of decorum or regular order, or that he was an /ass/. He used to be Lord of the Underworld, back in the Old Kingdom, but Osiris took over that role. I have no idea if the changes in history reflect changes among the gods or vice versa."
Cael Becker	"It's weird, though... knowing the Gods approve of my relationship," Cael says in a wry tone. "Though I guess - we knew that Raphael must have approved of it?" she muses in a thoughtful tone. "Fuckin' angels, though..."     She tilts her head to give Jon a gentle kiss of her own before she adds, "I want you happy, as well. I, uhh- it's silly, but there's still a part of me that feels bad for dying, for not being able to hold on, for putting you through that..."
Jonathan Sims	"I should have--" Jon stops, suddenly sobbing so hard they can't speak.     "I'm sorry," they finally manage. "I'm so sorry. You trusted me and I fell through. I should have been able to save you. I should've been able to heal you. I should've... if nothing else I should've been able to hold you until Sara came. And I know what I should have done! It's so obvious, and... and /simple/, and... and..."     The sobs overwhelm them again and then just pull Cael closer.
Cael Becker	Cael holds Jon tightly in return, her own eyes blinking away tears as she struggles to sort through her own thoghts, and emotions, to try to find something she dared to voice. "I did," she finally says. "I still do. I tried to keep breathing for you. I- I tried. I-"     She shakes her head and then offers instead, "I'm here now. I'm here," her voice muffled by the way she keeps it buried against Jon.
Jonathan Sims	"C-can you forgive me?" Jon sniffles, managing to pull back sobs long enough to speak. "I was supposed to save you. That's my /job/. I'm a doctor, I'm supposed to... I didn't save you. I killed Javier. I killed Munoz. Can you ever forgive me?"     It's not just Cael he's asking. He's asking himself, because somehow he needs to figure out how to forgive himself.
Cael Becker	Her sobs begin again in earnest at that question - a sharpen pain felt in her chest as she remember the pain, and fear, and realization that... Jon couldn't save her. That she was //dying//. "I forgave you," she finally manages to voice. "I forgive you." Because she else can she say?     When the tears begin to slow she finally adds, "You never, uhh... You never really told me everything that happened... that night."
Jonathan Sims	Jon takes a moment to take that in. That Cael forgives him. That she already did. So all the pain he's carrying around, well... that's on him. Can he forgive himself? He's not certain.     He takes in a deep breath. Lets it out. "I was able to track Javier using... well, it was... I can see lines of fate, sometimes? Places people will go, places they've been? I could follow his trail, because Ma'at wanted to judge him. Because she felt she... owed that to you, to track down and judge your killer." He swallows. "I called Moon Knight before I went too far. I figured I should have some back up, just in case, and he sees you the same way Ma'at did. You were shot at night, and thus vengeance for what happened to you falls under Khonshu's purview."     A sigh. "We tracked Javier to a Trinitario safe house. I could sense two other minds in the building. I went to the front to knock on the door to give them a chance to leave if they were innocent, while Moon Knight went to the back."     They shake their head. "The man who opened the door knew me on sight. Called me a devil worshipper. Called me a... bastard. You know. Because I looked like a--" They stop, and frown down at Cael. They've never really told her, about their feelings about the police. They sigh. "Because I looked like a cop." A beat. "He was right, about that. Fuck, I /hate/ this."     He shakes his head, and goes on, "I, ahh... broke the chain on the door with magic, and then stepped in and compelled the man not to move. I figured we could grab Javier and leave, but... the other man came at me with an ax. We fought, and we sliced my arm, and I put magic behind the next blow and killed him."     He stops, letting that hang there. She could ask for more details if she wanted.
Cael Becker	Cael pulls away enough to see Jon's face as they talk - wiping her eyes to clear her vision. She stays close, however, her hand and arm still twined up with Jon's. From the corner of her eyes she can see the two massive dogs chasing moths as the pair talk.     "You put magic behind it? Like... a blast or something? What were you //trying// to do to him - when you did that?" she asks, her done gentle, and her gaze sympathetic. Surely they weren't //trying// to kill. Not Jon...
Jonathan Sims	"I was furious," Jon replies, eyes a little distant. "Terrified, and furious. All I could see was Michael standing over me with a flaming sword, about to take my arm. So I wrapped the staff in magical power, and put enough force behind the blow to... to..."     They look away, jaw clenching, pull as far away as Cael will let them. "I was trying to kill. I just wasn't trying to kill /him/."
Cael Becker	"Oh, Jon..." Cael murmurs - her voice laced with pain, and concern. What could she say? 'It's not your fault'? They //did// it. It was, in some ways, that simple. "God, Jon, I'm sorry," she says inside. She lets out a humorless laugh as she adds, "Would it help if I said it was Michael's fault? For putting that trauma in you in the first place?"     She lets out a sigh, then adds, "But of course - it's your fault too, isn't it? Even if you didn't mean it. God, I'm sorry, Jon..."     She tries gently to pull them back towards her - though she won't force the issue, as she keeps her worried gaze trained onto them.
Jonathan Sims	"No, it doesn't help," Jon spits out, pulling away and standing. "I don't... I don't need platitudes, or... or..."     He shakes his head and starts to pace. "Moon Knight had Javier in the back. I went in there, took his statement. It's recorded, if you ever decide you want to hear, but it's... a lot. He lost his family, but that doesn't excuse him becoming... what he became. Killing people and reveling in it, craving power, his anger at you..." Another shake of the head. "I wanted to kill him before I even took his statement, the way he was talking about you. Calling you a monster." His hands clench into fists. "Ma'at held me back. Forced me to do my duty."     He swallows. "We gave him a chance. We showed him the pain he'd caused, made him feel what his actions had made others feel... and he just said they /deserved/ it. So Ma'at... so /I/... called down Sekhmet's fire on him. Killed him, to send his soul to whatever mechanism Christianity has for judging souls. I imagine he'll wind up in Hell for a time."     A pause. "Well. First I told him you were alive. So he'd know he failed, and his dying was for /nothing/." His tone is angry and bitter.
Cael Becker	"Jon...!" Cael protests as they pull away - but though she exherts just enough pressure to let Jon know she wishes him to stay - she does release them, and allow them to pull away. She remains on the bench, watching with a worried gaze, and hating how much pain Jon is in. Pain because of her... Because she didn't keep herself safe enough, or none of this would have happened.     Rather than answering immediately, however, she finally pushes herself to her feet, moving towards Jon with open hands, pausing within reach, but waiting for them to //choose// to put their hands into hers.     "I'm not being pithy," she murmurs quietly. "It's true. You wouldn't have killed that man if not for Michael - but that doesn't absolve you of guilt. //You// still did it. It's still on you. I wish it wasn't, of course, but..." That's not how things are.     After a deep breath she adds, "I think I should hear Javi's statement - at some point, because- I don't. Because it's part of my story, part of my past. Because- well. Because I should be aware of the consequences of my actions."
Jonathan Sims	Jon keeps pacing, he's in a cage that has bars only he can see. The pain is there, and it's going to be there, and words alone aren't going to make it go away. They finally stop with their back to Cael, staring at one of the topiaries.     "It's not your fault," they say. "None of this is..." Their hands flex, out of the fists and then clenched back in. "What Javier Hernandez became is not your fault, Cael. What I did..."     They're not hunched, for once, they're standing straight, completely still, almost braced as if for a blow. "What I did is what I am now. If it was not Javier, it would be someone else. And I..." He laughs. "I changed the way things work. The bit about showing Javier the way he'd made people feel? That was me. The Archivist /never/ did that before, but now we do. A second chance. So that's something, I guess."     They shake their head. "I hate this. I hate what I am, now. I hate being judge and jury and executioner. I /hate/ that this is what the Archive was created for. This isn't what I thought I was, what I wanted to be. But mostly... I hate that I'm so bloody /good/ at it."
Cael Becker	"I wish I knew how to make any of it better for you," Cael replies in that quiet voice she often uses when pain almost robs her of her voice. She takes another step closer to Jon, and another. And shen she reaches out to touch her hand lightly to Jon's elbow, trying to simply be there. Trying to let Jon know they //aren't// alone.     "There's no way to refuse to kill going forward - if that was what you wanted?" she asks uncertainly. "Don't you have any choice in this?"
Jonathan Sims	"I made my choice down in Duat, when I agreed to become Ma'at's avatar," Jon replies curtly, not turning around. "I of all people knew damn well /exactly/ what merging with a god entailed."     A beat, and then they whirl around, eyes suddenly wide. "I didn't mean--I'm not upset that I came back! I'm not... I'm /thrilled/ to be back, and have time with you, and... and... it's just, it's... this is the cost. This is the cost, for getting to be with you, and Agnes, and Martin. Having a life to live. This thing that I hate. Except... maybe even I don't hate it, maybe I... I think Javier /deserved/ every ounce of pain he got, and /worse/, and I only feel like I hate it because I think I should, because what kind of /monster/ kills people without regret or remorse..."     He stops, and shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean--I'm sorry." A pause. "I can get you the recording whenever... whenever you're ready to listen."
Cael Becker	"The sort of 'monster' that would never harm an innocent person," Cael points out reasonably. "That would go out of their way to save them, and protect them. I- I'm sorry you're in pain, Jon, and I wish I knew how to help - but I don't see you as a monster. I couldn't love a monster. I mean... it's kinda like what Alya said? Why would Ma'at choose someone who loved an unworthy soul? She also wouldn't choose an unworhty soul - and I wouldn't //love// an unworthy soul. Yeah? I still believe you're a good person, Jonathan Sims."     She smiles faintly as she adds, "And I know you don't regret coming back for me - anymore than I regret eating that damned beetle."     She tries then to gently wrap on up into a hug - though she'll stop if they seem disinclinesd. "Now please let me hug you?" she begs softly.
Jonathan Sims	It's the tone in Cael's voice that makes Jon relent, and he slumps his shoulders and leans down to wrap her up in his arms. "Sorry," he murmurs. "I'm sorry. I just... I just..."     They close their eyes. "I'm not supposed to be like this. Except I am. I'm supposed to be a healer, not a warrior, except I'm both, and maybe better at the latter. I'm supposed to be forgiving and loving, except I'm angry all the time. I just... I'm finally forced to look at who I really am and I don't like them very much. Not the kind of bloke I'd go for a pint with, y'know?"     He sighs. "Dunno what that says about your taste, but /you're/ the one that fell in love with 'His Royal Godliness.'"
Cael Becker	"You can be both," Cael confirms. "And Jon... you feel with someone who had quite the temper as well. I think you'd have no trouble enjoying a drink with someone just like yourself," she insists, wrapping her arms around Jon in returned - relieved that at least he isn't turning away from her, anymore.     "And you don't need to apologize. You're in pain. It's okay to be in pain - but I want to help you feel better about all of this, somehow. If I can."     She's quiet for a few moment before adding, "You can be a doctor, and a warrior. You can be kind, and loving, and still feel anger. You are a good man. Good people can make mistakes - and good people feel bad when the world isn't what... they wish it could be."
Jonathan Sims	"The world is /wrong/." Jon laughs. "Or, well, it was, until we fixed it. I mean, I have to wonder... is that what's driven my anger all my life? Other people's, too? Some creeping suspicion something was fundamentally wrong in the world? In time, will things become... I don't know... calm? Peaceful?" Maybe it's a pipe dream, but it's a nice one to think about.     They sigh. "I'm not going to feel better about this right away, Cael. I... I think I kind of /need/ to... not be okay with things. If nothing else, this whole thing proves I'm not over what Michael did to me, not by a long shot. I carry it around with me constantly, I haven't... processed it, really. I don't /want/ to sit around feeling miserable, but maybe I need to, sometimes. Sit and let myself feel the pain, you know?"     After a moment, he pulls back a little, looks down at Cael. "How are /you/ doing? Really? I know losing Alis has been hard on you."
Cael Becker	"I don't expect you to be better right away. But... I guess I expect you to let me hold you, when you're not. I want to be there for you when you're hurting. You've been there for me so many times, you know?" She wipes at her eyes again as Jon starts to pull away to regard her - her smile tight, and sad.     "I miss her. I want her here. I want her //alive.// I want to know what sort of woman she'd've become. I- none of that'll ever change. I want her here, with me." She takes a deep breath in, and lets it out before adding, "But- I'm okay. We got to say goodbye. She- It had meaning this time, at least? She... she took my place. She sacrificed herself for me. When she //died// - it was so senseless. This - at least there was a purpose. You know?     "And at least- ...I know I'll get to see her again someday. She's waiting for me. So... I miss her. But it doesn't hurt as much as I would have thought. Definitely doesn't hurt as much as it did the first time. And- I mean, I was so alone when she died. I'm... not alone, now."
Jonathan Sims	Jon frowns. "I... had trouble with Alis' state," he admits. "I wouldn't push either of you for her to move on, but being a ghost... it's just holding on to the past. Even staying as she was... it wouldn't have... she wouldn't have changed. Have grown. Now she can rest, properly, and you'll see her again, and when that's done you can both move on to new lives. But you're right. You're not alone now."     A hesitation, and then, "Sometimes I need space," they say softly. "Sometimes I need to... hurt, and cry, and rage, and pace. I have spent so much of my life feeling like... too much. Too dramatic, too tall, too queer, too brown. I spent all of my life, before I met you, either trying to fit into other people's perceptions or bitterly aware of how much I don't."     They hesitate, pulling away and then stopping. "My grandmother used to yell at me for crying too much, too loud, after my mum died. So I... keep it quiet. She complained about how I was growing out of everything so I pretended not to be so tall. I didn't want to be noticed, when I got older, so I hunch myself. I curl up. I... I don't need to know I'm not alone. I /know/ I'm not alone. I am painfully, terribly aware of that every moment of every day. I need to be allowed to feel however I'm feeling, and not have to give over to feeling okay, or matching the mood."     He shakes his head. "I'm not saying it right. I just... you want to help, but what I need isn't the same as what you need. I need to know that if I'm angry and bitter and turn away that someone will still be there when I turn back. But that feels unfair, if that means hurting someone."
Cael Becker	"I was right, then. You wouldn't have wanted me to stay - you'd've wanted me to go to Duat?" Cael murmurs - the barest hint of a question there in her voice. "I wanted so badly to stay with you, Jon. Fuck the life, fuck the afterlife - fuck everything any anything so long as I could be with you..." But she knew it was - she knew Jon would hate that.     Then when a smirk she adds, "When you don't fit my perceptions or expectations... that's on me, not you. And that's- well. That's part of still learning who each other really... are. Yeah?"     She falls silent to let Jon continue - listening, and trying to understand - though as he finishes, she lets out a single laugh. "Fuck, Jon, how many times have I done that to you? Retreated to a literal fucking bathroom one time - yeah?" she points out. "So... so I get it. I do. I think I do. But I, umm... I don't want you to think you have to be okay for me, either. If you need time to be sad, I- It's okay. I'll be with you, while your sad. Or mad - or whatever it is - if you need me. If you want me. You don't have to be sad //alone//."
Jonathan Sims	"That's what I mean, though, love, I mean... you're afraid of being alone, so you assume I need to not be alone. I'm..." Jon swallows. "I'm afraid of /myself/. Or, more, afraid that really /being/ myself will make people hate me. So it's not that I need to not be alone. I need..."     They frown, looking down at Cael. "Sometimes I need to not need to let you hug me, is what I'm trying to say. Sometimes I need to go ahead and be angry, and let that happen, until it's done. And I get the fear and the frustration of not being able to help, but... sometimes you can't... /do/ anything, or say anything, to help, not directly. Sometimes it's just knowing someone's there, or would be there, if you needed them."     He shakes his head. "I still... edit myself, for other people. Not just you. Everyone. Try to become what they need. And some of that's okay, I mean... that's life. That's being with people. But it's been hard to know what I'm /really/ feeling and what I'm projecting to try to keep someone happy. And that's not on you, it's just..." He frowns. "I'm holding you right now because you need to be held. And that's okay. But being held isn't what /I/ need right now. Does that make sense?"
Cael Becker	Cael gives Jon a squeeze and then - simply steps away, letting her arms drop at her side. "I'm hugging you because- well. Not because I //need// it - but because it's how I know to- to let you know I'm here. To-" She hesitates, and shakes her head, not really sure what words she's looking for.     "You can tell me //not right now// when you need to, you know. And... unless I'm a mess, a real mess, like I was when I woke up in medical... Then that's fine. It's fine, and I won't hold it against you, because it's not just what I need or wnat that matters, is it?"     She smiles a bit sadly as she adds, "And if you need me to get the fuck out of this garden for a bit... I can do that." There's a pause for a beat before she adds, "But I'll probably give you a hug, and a kiss, before I go."     She takes a deep breath in, and out again, before reaching out to lightly touch the bracelet on Jon's wrist. "Besides. My love and my thoughts are always with you. No matter what, like yours are with me."
Jonathan Sims	Jon turns their hand for a moment to grasp Cael's as she touches the bracelet on his wrist. "You just gave me a statement. We're talking about you losing Alis, and the terrible things someone you knew as a boy did. It's okay for you to need... to need to know for sure that you're helping. To need your own comfort. It's a two-way street."     They frown for a moment. "I need a cigarette," they say suddenly. "That's why I'm pulling away. I don't need you to leave... I just need a damn smoke. I always do, after a statement. And most people I'm close to... don't want to be nearby when I smoke." They take Cael's hand and lift it to kiss the knuckles--right where the flame tattoo is--and then squeeze her hand and pull away, going to fish a pack of cigarettes out of their pocket.     "I'm glad it was easier for you than it could've been," he says as he turns away to light the cigarette with a snap of glowing emerald fingers. "I'm curious, ahh, what you think of the gods... well. I wouldn't say 'adopting' you but they've kind of decided you belong in their sphere of influence, now." He puts the cigarette to his mouth and takes a drag, peering over at Cael.
Cael Becker	Cael nods her head, squeezing Jon's hand in return before he walks that short distance away to light up. She finds a tree to lean back against while she watches Jon smoke - her arms crossing over her chest as she does so. "Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe I'm still number? But- ... I really do feel okay. The grief's a dull ache. It's there, but it's nor overwhelming. I grieved for her once before, when I thoght death meant gone forever. This isn't like that. This is just... missing her. But knowing she's where she's supposed to be now."     Her gaze goes to the dogs - who are currently bounding at one another, letting out occassional barks of excitement as they tussel with one another with an abundance of puppy energy. "It's strange," she admits. "I think part of me is stubbornly determined not to 'worship' them just to show that they don't control me, and I certainly didn't expect- well. I'd hoped, obviously, that somehow we'd end up in the same afterlife - and it seems impossible they'd let you go to any //other// afterlife, so... I'm glad, really. I'm even... grateful. I'm grateful to Thoth and Ma'at for showing Alis kindness, as well. That- it means so much to me."
Jonathan Sims	"Ma'at said you had 'chosen to follow the gods of Kemet, insofar as she follows any gods at all.' I think they're very well aware of the refusal to 'worship' them." Jon smirks. "But, then, what I do isn't quite the blind faith, unthinking obedience sort of worship Christianity encourages, the kind that permeates the culture. There's a certain expectation that, you know... I give them offerings, they do right by me. Some gods are too terrifying or too huge--or both--to even approach. Sometimes you're giving offerings to placate a deity, and sometimes you're giving offers in thanks."     He frowns, takes another drag on the cigarette. "I suppose I just mean... it's not about control. It's a relationship, something reciprocal, and it was always thought to be. Christians will say that shows how 'backwards' pagan sorts are, but I look at them and say that their image of a parental, all-loving God is that of an abusive parent who gaslights their followers and leaves them in doubt." He shakes his head. "Never mind that Jesus went about /proving/ his divinity through miracles and never asked his disciples to just 'take things on faith.'"     He shrugs. "So... I'd say none of the gods really expect you to /worship/ them. You did them a solid, as it were--you helped correct an imbalance in the universe, you helped see that Ma'at got an avatar, you helped make sure that Thoth didn't get stuck with a 13-year-old untrained Archivist. You then requested to come to Duat--and my ancestors believed that all souls went to the same place anyway. So they honored your request. If you give further offerings I'm sure they'd be grateful, but they don't /expect/ those offerings."     A pause. "Except for Bast, of course, but she's a cat. Everyone knows cats are to be worshipped and pampered as the rulers of all they survey that they are." He smirks.
Cael Becker	"Well. I thanked Ma'at for her kindness - I lit some incense for her. And I thanks Khonshu as well for giving me by the memory of the journey. I needed it. It's- I can't put into words how much I cherish that memory - the knowledge that Alis is okay. That... chance to say goodbye to one another. The knowledge that... as long as I don't fuck shit up and, uhh... mess with measure, or steal holy cakes, or fornicate with fornicators - or whatever else bullshit there is - as long as I don't screw it all up... You, and me, and Alis will be together again someday. I'm grateful."     Cael hesitates for a moment then adds, "If I'm being honest, the only thing that pissed me off... was your friend saying he'd only help me if I agreed to serve his fucking God, and you not being there for me to talk to about any of it. I didn't appreciate being put on the spot, and draped over a barel like that. It was bullshit."
Jonathan Sims	Jon tilts his head, peering around at Cael. "Is that what he said? Or is that how you took it? Because I very much doubt that's how he meant it. He, umm... Khonshu calls people to come and work with him, but the agreement is voluntary. And it's a private sort of thing. That's why I left; he never talks to people about the Call with anyone else around."     Then he raises his eyebrows, and adds, "But I'm fairly certain if you'd said 'no fuck you I won't help your little group' he still would have let you get the memories back. I mean, that's not up to Moon Knight--that's up to Khonshu. And Moon Knight has no reason to want you to suffer needlessly, or hold out to get you to help. He hasn't with anyone else."
Cael Becker	Cael frowns, staring off into the distance, and not towards Jon - her arms tightening subtly over her chest as she tries to remember what happened that night. "I don't know. That's how I remember it - that's the impression I got. I mean - he could have helped me, and then asked if I'd join with him, or- fuck, just said 'I'll try to help you either way, but would you-' but he //didn't// Jon. He didn't. I very much felt like that- if I hadn't agreed, he'd've sent me away. And I mean- I would've walked away, except... it was something you were doing already, so- how could it be bad? And I needed those answers."
Jonathan Sims	Jon lets out an irritated sigh. "Marc just needs to get Steven to agree to--" He cuts himself off, shakes his head. No use going down /that/ road.     "Marc--Mr. Knight--is not the most... personable person in the world. I mean, he wears that mask /all/ the bloody time. But, look, do you want me to go /ask/ him if that's what he meant? Because if it is, he and I will have words. That's /not/ how the Heliopolitans are supposed to work." He shakes his head. "Although that's why I presume..."     They rub their hand across their face, take a /long/ drag on the cigarette. "Look, the way it normally goes, someone gets a kind of... subtle pull to come to the Mission and talk to Moon Knight. I presume that Khonshu doesn't Call people who would be unwilling. He can be a right jerk, but he doesn't force people into anything. Moon Knight lays out what the Heliopolitans are, what we do, and they agree to work with him. Then sometimes he calls on them to do things like fight vampires, or... this full moon I think it's werewolves we're after." A shrug.     Then they sigh and turn toward Cael. "But you were /already/ there for a certain purpose, so he probably was thinking 'okay before I can help her I have to tell her about the Call' and said things wrong because he... has very bad interpersonal skills. I mean." He gestures at his face. "Mr. Knight is an /improvement/. He used to--" He stops, and frowns. "No, I can't tell you what he used to do. Patient confidentiality. I just mean, he's made major strides."
Cael Becker	Cael doesn't answer right away - her gaze still fixed off to the side as she runs everything Jon says through her mind a few times. "You think I misunderstood," she concludes - though she doesn't sound entirely convinced. "Well. You know him better than I do - obviously. If you want to ask him - ask him. I don't mind being asked to help kill werewolves or whatever, I just- I don't like feeling //forced// into things. I mean, who does?"
Jonathan Sims	"No, I agree, and... look, actually, I'm Marc's second on this. I mean, officially, in terms of the group, I'm his second-in-command. So if you want me to speak to him--or if you want to speak to him while I'm there--we can do so. Alright? You shouldn't be helping the Heliopolitans if you feel forced into it."     Jon furrows his brow. "And if he /was/ going to withhold help if you didn't agree, then I'm going to give him a piece of my bloody mind. That's /not/ okay. The Mission is there to help people, and Khonshu's healing is for all. He of all people should know that." There's that anger again, but it sounds a lot less bitter when it's directed at something with a purpose instead of himself.
Cael Becker	Cael continue staring off into the distance for a few moments longer before abruptly - the tension that creeped into her form seems to ease, and she nods, looking back towards Jon at last. "If you say so, Jon... I'm sure we'll sort it all out, and I'll... try not to hold it against him until we know if it's a misunderstanding or not," she promises.     "And like I said - I was genuinely grateful for Khonshu's help. As painful as parts of the memory are... Some of it is so important to know and remember." All of it, really.
Jonathan Sims	"I'll bloody well hold it against him. He needs a PR manager. He should hire Steven's." Jon glowers, and puffs at the cigarette for a moment, like he's going ahead and letting himself be angry at this thing.     Then he shakes himself. "Anyway, I was going to join him on patrol Sunday night, for the full moon, so we can head down a bit early and talk to him. I need to go down anyway to try out... I had Steven make me a..." He coughs, looking embarassed, as the anger kind of flows out of him.     "SpectreCorp makes a lot of Moon Knight's gear. They're... old friends." Which, technically, they are, after all. "When I was first starting out as Archivist, Moon Knight gave me some armor and a staff. I didn't keep the armor, but the staff's been useful. But I, ahh... I /need/ my own armor, I can't be wearing SHIELD tac gear everywhere. I show up in that, I'm semi-officially a SHIELD agent, you know? And then I had a dream about... I don't know, maybe a past Archivist, maybe someone else? In a suit, is my point, sort of what like Moon Knight wears. I sent Steven the design and we had some back-and-forth and it should be ready by Sunday."
Cael Becker	There's actually a fond smile on Cael's lip as Jon rails on her behalf - all the tension now completely melted away. "Alright. Be affronted on my behalf, love. I suppose that gives me permission to let go of my anger for once." There's a momentary pause before she adds, "Anyone ever tell you you're cute when you're angry?" There's a flash of amusement in her eyes - calling an angry person 'cute' is treading on dangerous ground, but she seems willing to risk it.     Her expression turns more serious, though, as she muses, "Do you think I'll need something as well? I mean - you're right. I can't just run around in SHIELD, or FBI, or Avengeres tactical gear... Hmm."
Jonathan Sims	Calling Jon 'cute' at all makes him falter and stare at Cael. "W-what? Cute? I... I am /not/, nor have I ever /been/, 'cute.'" He looks affronted. In high dudgeon, even. "Certainly not when I'm /angry/."     He splutters for another full five seconds while he finishes off his cigarette, muttering under his breath as he looks around for somewhere to put the butt. Finally he settles on grinding the thing out on the bench and sticking it into his pocket, then plopping back down on said bench, glowering still. (Probably cutely, even if he'd never admit that.)     "It's a thought," he says. "I'm sure Steven would be willing to help you come up with something, although it wouldn't be ready by Sunday. I resisted the whole business for a while because it felt silly, and then I was trying to work it out for myself, and then I was public anyway so why do I need something? But it's like a uniform, I suppose. Going out and being 'the Archivist.'"
Cael Becker	"You're angry for me. Face it, Jon - it's adorable," Cael insists. "I don't expect anyone else would feel the same, but..." She grins at him, but makes no attempt to approach him at the bench unless invited.     Of course, Bear has no such compunctions, and visit the bench as a whirlwind of wagging tail, nuzzling nose, and licking tongue before trotting off again.     "Would it have to be anything dramatic and superhero-y? I'm just thinking normal, unbranded tac gear."
Jonathan Sims	Jon assents to being licked and even offers Bear a pet--which of course gets Lady to come trot over and get /her/ pets--and then he looks at Cael and says, "I think I'm good now, if you want to... I think I'm done needing my space." He smiles. "Thank you, for being willing to give it."     Then a shrug. "I wouldn't see why it'd have to be. Just because Marc and I are overly dramatic doesn't mean--actually, you know, I think SpectreCorp would have body armor entirely unbranded, if you want me to give Steven a ring. All he'd need would be your measurements."
Cael Becker	"I don't want to force myself on you, Jon," Cael says wryly as she makes her way overe - pausing to scratching a Bear's head as the pup makes himself known. She then retakes her seat next to Jon and adds, "It's just... it's the way I know how to tell you that I'm here, and you're not alone. Plus, you're probably right about me just... assuming you need what I would need."     She slips her fingers back into Jon's hand next - lifting their hand to her lips for a gentle kiss. "I think borrowing some unbranded armor would be a great idea."
Jonathan Sims	"I need to be better about saying what I need, though. Or saying no. We're both figuring things out, yeah?" Jon looks at Cael with something bittersweet in his eyes. "We both got broken... probably a lot earlier than we'd like to admit. We're both putting the pieces back together."     He reaches up a hand to gently brush the wrench at Cael's neck--very gently, the lightest of touches. "I've recently learned about this Japanese practice of repairing broken pottery by mending the cracks with gold lacquer. The idea being that the cracks form part of the beauty, the breakage or aging part of the story of the object. Who we are now is formed by what we've experienced. I wouldn't say the pain and trauma is beautiful in itself... but the way we've reacted to that, it... it forms part of who we are. We both care, so much, want to help so badly, because we've had so much pain and we want to ease that pain in others."     He sighs. "I suppose I'm saying... we're struggling, and figuring things out, but that's part of who we are, and it's a good thing."
Cael Becker	"You're not wrong," Cael agrees - about anything he'd said. She holds very still as his fingers brush over the still healing tattoo, but when the feather touch is gone, she shifts a little closer, so her arm is pressed against his.     "I'm not exactly great at voicing the things I need, either. I'm trying."
Jonathan Sims	"I know," Jon says softly. "I know."     He sits there for a moment, holding Cael close, looking up at the night sky for a long moment.     Then, "D'you want to see if that Thai place is still open at this hour? I'm... actually craving noodles. Look what you've done to me."