Owner Pose
Jonathan Sims     Austria has been lovely, of course, the hotel is top-notch and the skiing excellent. There's breakfast on the gondolas, the food is all locally-sourced, the alcohol selection excellent. The rooms are all done in light colors and pine, the hotel's run by a family who's been doing it for generations. The first day Cael has issues with skiing; Jon takes a video to send to Sara before going to help, while Martin and Agnes both scold him. Then Agnes takes a spill and both Jon and Martin fuss over her (much to her chagrin) for the rest of the day. Jon takes Agnes to explore the caves (natural and ice caverns both) while Cael and Martin stay back and talk; Jon and Martin lounge in the alpine garden while Cael and Agnes check out the fitness room. They all hike, and do more skiing. Jon orders something of everything off every menu available. They do not talk about angels, or Duat, or dimming moons, but Jon /does/ spend time talking to Agnes about magic.

    On Friday, they pop over to Innsbruck to take in some sights and do some shopping, so they can have souvenirs, and Jon regales them with a whole story about a terribly cliche summer spent backpacking through Europe--this was the year before he'd met Martin--and his exploits getting drunk in Innsbruck trying to copy Douglas Adams' inspiration for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Or rather, his friend Tim Stoker's attempt, which Jon got roped into; the way Jon tells it, he got roped into a lot of things by his old friend. Martin is quick to point out that in his memory Jon was the one doing the "roping in" about half the time, to which Jon protests and then trails off and sighs in agreement.

    Spoiler alert: it didn't work. There was no inspiration for comedic science fiction instant classic, merely terrible hangovers.

    Back at the hotel that evening, they all go down to the pool. Martin and Agnes go swimming, but Jon goes to check out the steam baths, because if half the point of this is 'relaxation' then a steam bath sounds just about in order. It's a family-style area, so nobody's expected to go naked, and Jon winds up half-dozing in the otherwise empty room with its glittering tile and central font.
Cael Becker     With most of the way spent sight-seeing and shopping - Cael finds herself with an excess of energy, and spends time in the pool swimming laps - including several consecutive laps of butterfly stroke to really push herself. Swimming butterfly stroke also requires more concentration than other swimming strokes - so it keeps her mind from wandering too much as she swims. As her heart and breath rate start kicking up too high, however, she flips over onto her back, doing two laps of backstroke to cool herself down.
    With her breathing back under control, she nods to Martin and Agnes as she climbs out of the pool - deciding to track Jon down. Maybe he's decided to give that 'Hitchhiker' thing another go?
    Of course he hasn't, and Cael steps into the sauna with a towel in hand and dressed in her brightly colored swimsuit with broad stripes in purple, blue, and pink - shaped almost like a spring wetsuit, with built in shorts. She sets her towel down beside Jon before she takes a seat on top of it, relaxing there in silence for several moments. "People pay money to bake themselves like this?" she muses in an amused tone.
    It wasn't //awful//. As long as you're just sitting still, she supposes.
Jonathan Sims     "It soaks toxins out of the body," Jon says almost lazily, without opening their eyes. "And relaxes the muscles." They have their head laid back against the tile, eyes closed, one towel under their head and the other draped over their forehead. It had been over their eyes, but it slipped off. "A lot of athletes will use saunas or ice baths to help with conditioning after a workout. And the warmth, you know, up in the mountains or in the north... it's nice to come into the sauna and keep warm in the cold."

    For a long moment he just sits there, then opens his eyes and turns to look at Cael. "How are you doing?" he asks softly. "I mean... we haven't been talking about things, but I rather thought you needed the break. Time to let your emotions settle a bit. You seem... I don't know, calmer? At peace? Is it the mountains?"
Cael Becker     "I'm... I'm doing alright," Cael answers quietly. "I don't know if it's the mountains, exactly, or- Well. Knowing what happened to Alis was important. And... knowing she's in a good place, that- she doesn't miss us?" There's a questioning note in her voice. "That we'll see her again - it all helps. Part of me still wants to find a way to get her back, but- I think that'd be for //me,// because //I// miss - and not for her. And that's... not fair. She's been through enough." She has, apparently, being doing a fair amount of thinking in some of her quieter moments. As she talks, her hand slides over towards Jon - to twine her fingers with theirs.
    "It's going to take me a while but- I'm gonna be alright."
Jonathan Sims     "That's... good to hear," Jon says, relaxing just a little, and taking Cael's hand. He only has the one arm right now; he brought the prosthetic but he's been using it less and less, mostly to avoid notice. After Jon and Martin had some time alone in the gardens, he stopped using it at all. The whole day he's just summoned up his emerald arm when he needs two, and grumbled about its dexterity, but the prosthetic's remained firmly packed away in the luggage.

    "I can guarantee that she's happy, and she doesn't really miss us. You hadn't gone through it yet, I guess, but it becomes a kind of... it's a dull ache. I missed you all, but I knew you'd be alright and we'd meet again some day. You /move on/, down there. And at a certain point, you come to know and understand things that..." He frowns up at the ceiling. "It's funny, because I /know/ those things, but it's like coming back dulled my /understanding/. You'd think that the idea of your dying wouldn't shake me up so much, but it did. Even knowing you might go to Duat, even knowing for sure we'd meet again... I didn't /feel/ that. I think that maybe the living can't, quite. That that's... part of living. Well, unless you get to it on your own. Plenty of people do."

    They sigh again, and run their thumb along Cael's fingers. "It's good that you'll... be okay. I... I've... honestly I've kind of..." They swallow. "There's things I didn't get a chance to tell you, partly because I've been... I worry how you'll react to things, sometimes. I worry if you'll ever... be okay, really, or if I'll always have to just..." They stop, and frown.
Cael Becker     Cael listens quietly, trying to understand what Jon is saying - trying to picture how that applies to Alis. Hadn't Alya tried to tell her something similar? How she'd screamed, and cried, and bargained - and tried to go back, and yet... Doesn't really feel the pain of being separated from Agnes now? "I'll always miss her in some ways. She was there for me when... when I really needed a friend, and a sister. When I was alone in the world." Despite her words, though, the feel of Jon's thumb rubbing across her hand brings a brief smile to her lips, and she gives them a squeeze in return.
    As Jon continues, though, a frown appears on her features, and she looks aside at them. "...and you're afraid to tell me now," she remarks bluntly. "I- You know it'll take me a while to recover from everything that's happened, but... I am getting better. And I don't want you to hide things from me, Jon. I don't want you to feel like you have to."
Jonathan Sims     For a while, Jon doesn't respond. He doesn't pull away, either, but he stares up at the ceiling like he's trying to collect his thoughts.

    Finally, a long sigh. "I'm not... hiding things from you, Cael. I just genuinely don't know if... I worry about triggering you. And right now... you died, and you came back, and you lost Alis, so /right now/ is hardly the time to dump things on you anyway. But before that... I know you don't mean to, I know you don't want to... to be... falling apart, but you /do/. And I'll admit I've been frustrated--no, no, I've been mad at you. Even if it isn't /fair/, I've been mad at you."

    They turn to look at Cael, still frowning. "Which is... why I haven't told you how I feel, because I know it isn't fair to be mad at you for dealing with trauma, but I just... any mention of certain things, or the /hint/ that I might be in danger, and you panic. And then I have to comfort you. And it feels... imbalanced, and unfair. But I don't know what to do about it."
Cael Becker     "I can understand that," Cael agrees, her gaze locked onto Jon's features - her expression concerned, and a bit puzzled. "I mean- I have no doubt it's frustrating. //I'm// frustrating - even if I don't mean to be."
    Lifting Jon's hand to her chest she adds, "And you know I don't have the words to tell you how grateful I am for you. For your patience, and your love, and- and I don't blame you at all for feeling upset with me sometimes. I really don't."
    She sighs heavily, letting her gaze drop towards the floor now as she considers the rest of her words. "There are times when I am more well than others. There are times when I can... handle frightening news, and when I can't. And unfortnately we don't always have the luxury of making sure those facts come out at the most... opportune moments, do we?"
Jonathan Sims     "It's not just that, Cael," Jon says, and his tone is surprisingly soft for the things they're talking about. For admitting he's been mad at her. "It's... when we first found the Velvet Room, that... stupid bloody room with the body bridge... I considered taking some of it on. It would hurt, it would /suck/, but it would lessen that for the others."

    He sighs. "And then you panicked. And I knew, I /knew/, that if I threw myself onto those spikes, that I'd wind up having to comfort /you/. That even though I'd be hurting, you'd be in so much pain that you'd completely break down. And it's not the first time. When I was facing death I had to comfort and console you, when I /did/ die you freaked out and I had to send you a message from the afterlife... you completely panicked when Michael summoned me away at the final battle instead of... instead of /trusting/ that I could handle things..."

    He shakes his head and looks back at the ceiling. "I don't quite know what the problem is. Can you just not handle the thought of losing me? Do you not trust me? Do you just... focus on your own pain first, the pain of watching me get hurt? Because... I mean... I had to watch /you/ burn your hands on that damn Hellfire sword over and over." A little of the anger creeps into his tone. "You hurt yourself, on purpose, and I was just supposed to watch and accept that. And that's why it feels unfair, because... my first reaction when someone is injured is to shunt away my own anxiety and pain and fear and comfort the person who's /actually/ hurting and yours is... is..."

    He summons the emerald arm just so he can rub at his face without letting go of Cael's hand. "I'm sorry. That's not... gods. This is my perception. It may be wrong. It may have been right and maybe things have changed. Slinging around blame isn't going to help anything."
Cael Becker     Jon's words hurt - the ache she feels growing more and more with each example.
    And with the pain - the urge to hunch in on herself. To pull away. To... hide from this. She fights against the urge, squeezing Jon's hand tightly instead, and forcing herself to take deep, slow breaths - though they are a little heavy.
    And she can't quiet keep herself from hunching in her shoulders as she stares down at the floor.
    "I wanted to comfort you. I tried-" Did she fail so completely? Did she really make it all about her?
    "I knew my hands would heal... or I wouldn't have used it," she adds in a quiet voice. "I- but you're right. The thought of losing you... frightens me. Terrifies me. I-" A few tears sneak down her cheeks. "I've been alone so much of my life, and I don't- I don't alone again. I- Fuck!"
    She lets out her frustration by kicking at the strange pillar in the middle of the room. "I'm doing it again. I- you're trying to tell me how you feel, and I- I don't mean to do this." Her gaze flicks aside at Jon again, before dropping to the floor again.
Jonathan Sims     Jon sits up and turns to wrap Cael in his arms. "It doesn't have to be wholly about me or wholly about you, love. That's not what relationships are like. I haven't said these things because I've been trying to figure out what's wrong. Remember what I said back on Sunday night? How I'm still thinking like your therapist? This is what I mean. I've been trying to figure out the... the core wound, but I should have been talking to you about it."

    He kisses her hair. "I need to know how you feel, because how you feel, the fear or pain or anger... it's getting in the way of what I know you want to do. I... I know you don't /want/ to... I know you want to have my back. To be there for me. That's why I don't want to throw around accusations, call you selfish--because gods, Cael, in some ways you're the least selfish person I've ever met. I just..."

    Jon closes their eyes and rests their head atop Cael's. "Is it really just the fear of losing me?" they say softly. "Is that... is that the thing that gets in the way? I mean, when I'm hurting--I know that /other things/ will trigger you and reasonably so."
Cael Becker     Cael leans into Jon's arms, wrapping her own arms around them as well, and letting a few more tears fall. "I, uh... I gotta assume it's a lot of it. I- I trust you. I know we live dangerous lives. I know shit happens. I know we'll both get hurt - more often than either of us'll like. I don't want to- stop you or hold you back. I want you to follow you conscience, and do what's right, and help people - as long as- as you're being smart about it, and you usually are."
    She takes another deep breath to calm herself before she adds, "I, uh- The bridge was a surprise. I just- people willingly throwing themselves on the spikes made me think of- ...or willingly hammering in those nails," she admits, while tightening her grip on Jon in response to her own words. "I just couldn't- I- I couldn't."
Jonathan Sims     "I know, love. I know why it triggered you." Jon sighs. "I... worry, sometimes, about whether you should be out in the field, but... but you seem to be fine when you're doing SHIELD work, or with the Avengers. It seems like it's just when I'm in trouble. And I... I don't want to... I like fighting alongside you. I /want/ to go out into the field with you. I was /thrilled/ that Khonshu Called you."

    They wrap their arms around Cael more tightly. "Maybe I... I should've just... maybe I shouldn't let these things fester. I need to just tell you I'm mad at you, but it's... so hard to admit I'm mad at /all/. Gods." A sniffle. "Tell me this. If... if I /had/ chosen to go on the spikes, would you have accepted that? Handled it? Or would that have been... would you have /trusted/ me?"

    A pause. "Because, gods, that's the thing, for me. I just don't feel like you trust me. And maybe that's just a me thing and I need to get over it."
Cael Becker     "...I worry, sometimes, about that too," Cael admits quietly. She had, after all, benched herself at the beginning of the angelic invasion - and for good. She stopped going into Manhattan entirely.
    Cael's fingers look for purchase, but without Jon's shirt on- well. She finds herself twining fingers into their hair instead, as she considers Jon's question in silence.
    "I don't know," she finally admits. "I don't know, really, I how I would have reacted. I- uh... I wasn't really myself in that moment? So how do I know how I- I don't think I would have reacted well. I think... I wouldn't have stopped you, but-" It wouldn't have gone well.
    "I, uh... if I don't trust you, then I don't trust anyone."
Jonathan Sims     Jon's quiet for a little while, just sitting there and letting himself believe that, yes, Cael trusts him. "It wasn't me," he finally says. "I mean, at the Velvet Room. I think I've been looking at it wrong. You were upset by /anyone/ doing that... and my doing it would just have been /worse/."

    He lets out a long breath and opens his eyes. "I need to trust you, too. I need to trust that if you say you can handle something, you can... and if that changes, that you'll let me help you get through it. That you'll tell me if we need to stop a conversation. And I... need to be your boyfriend, and not your therapist. In terms of going into the field, if Caldwell and Peggy and Rien think you can handle it... then I need to trust that."

    He rests his chin on Cael's head and says, "I summoned Gaea, to say goodbye. Last Saturday." A snort. "Wound up getting Uriel and Michael as well. They all seem... lighter, somehow. Happier."
Cael Becker     "I didn't like seeing Phoebe do it," Cael admits quietly. "At least- Rien, and Robbie, I didn't really know them but- ...no one should have had to do that." Cael sneaks one hand towards her face to wipe at it - clearing sweat away from her eyes, surely.
    "I'm getting better. I'll keep getting better. If I think I can't handle something then- I won't go. I don't want to endanger the team, or the mission. //Ever.//"
    After a few moments of silence she asks simply, "How'd that conversation go?"
Jonathan Sims     "It's the price we paid for the base we have, Cael. That place... it can offer us any book we've ever read. I think we might be able to give people rooms to stay in. It provides alcohol; it may provide food. And... what, a few of us had to go through some pain and hardship in order to call it our own?" Jon frowns. "I think it was in the nature of a protective measure, and I'd have /words/ with the old owner about the matter, but... what we do, it doesn't come easy. We choose to risk our lives and sometimes our sanity to help defend the world. That is going to mean danger."

    He hesitates a moment, shifting around, so he's sitting with his back against the tile again, an arm around Cael and hand running through her hair. "It went... quite well, actually. Michael agreed to pay reparations--I now have access to /half a billion/ dollars." He says that with wide eyes. "Still can't wrap my head around it. But only for use in helping the victims of the war. Gaea and I talked, and she... reassured me that I did well. That I'm doing well. And then she... ahh... suggested..."

    They pause, and lick their lips. "Ahh, when we get back... Uriel is going to... he agreed to teach me. How to be Archivist, how to use my magic... to be a mentor, essentially. There's really no better choice, and evidently he used to mentor the Archivists all the time, back before we left Egypt. I'm not certain what changed." They turn to eye Cael, as if worried about the reaction.
Cael Becker     "I don't mind //danger// Jon - but that was fucking sick," Cael replies with some heat. She lets out a heavy sigh and then adds, "And... as with many things, if I'd known ahead of time... or- or if we could have looked at it, and stepped back, and come back to it later I- it would have been better, I think. Easier. But- we don't get that luxury, do we?"
    "Half a billion dollars?" Cael remarks - focusing on that for the moment - and not reacting to Jon's proposed mentor quite yet. "Money won't bring back the dead. But- maybe we could give Amit's family a scholarship fund? For their other children? Or- I don't know." What do you do with that sort of money?
    She lapses into silence after that, allowing several breaths to pass before she remarks, "I know you've been wanting a mentor. ...will I have to see him?"
Jonathan Sims     Jon sighs. "Not if you don't want to, no. He'll meet with me in my dreams. But that's why... you hating him is so /hard/. My ancestors used to have a very close relationship with him. He /created/ the Archive. We think similarly. Sometimes I worry... that you'll wind up hating me, too." A snort. "Then again, I'm not an angel. You have an entirely reasonable prejudice against angels."

    They shift a bit, and pull Cael closer. "As for the funds? More than just Amit died. Money can help with the loss of a source of income, can pay off debts, can help with college or help people who need to move. It can pay for therapy or medical bills. And there's... there's a rule, now, that they can't come down here unless /specifically/ summoned. They're not supposed to be meddling anymore. So that means that we need to figure out what to do, for ourselves."

    A frown. "It's... a lot, though. I need to ask for some help and advice. I've been tasked with this, but I need to be sure we're doing it right. Sending money to the right people, in the right ways."
Cael Becker     "I don't want to see him, Jon. That's all. If he- If his help makes you better at your job? Makes you stronger? Then... that's good." There's a brief silence before she manages to grit out, "And if he makes you feel less alone, that's good too." But she still doesn't like him.
    She gives Jon a squeeze, her fingers rubbing at his scalp as she adds, "I don't envy you that task. I wouldn't know where to start. It's not my forte."
Jonathan Sims     "Not entirely mine, either, but here we are." Jon sighs and closes their eyes again, letting Cael rub at their scalp.

    "This is usually what I need," they murmur after a moment. "Reassuring words, and touch. For... comfort, I mean. If... if you want to... know how to help."

    Whether or not Cael likes 'baking,' it helps Jon. They seem lighter, having admitted they were angry... and the anger's gone now, drained away, like expressing that it was there was all Jon needed, in this case, to let it go. They look more relaxed than Cael's seen them in... weeks? Months? Ever?

    Which might make it a surprise when they say, "I can't stop seeing... not even the man I killed. Munoz, I think the other guy called him? But it's the other one, the look on his face..."

    "He called me a monster. I wonder if he was right."
Cael Becker     "Well. Doesn't sound too different from what I need," Cael confirms. "That and- a heads up. Like- well. If I rounded a corner, and //surprise!// Chas - it wouldn't go well. But if you said 'Hey, Chas is coming by to borrow those recordings of my band...' Then I could be ready. You know?"
    She continues rubbing Jon's scalp, falling silent - but when Jon speaks again, she's quick to reply. "You're not," she says firmly. "No more than I am. He doesn't know you. He-" There's a momentary pause. "In the moments after I'd been hurt - I could have called Chas, or Uriel monsters. I mean, maybe I did. Would I be right?"
Jonathan Sims     "I killed him, Cael. By my own choice, by my own volition. I was not possessed, and I wasn't protecting anyone--not even myself, really. My life wasn't really in danger. I... I summoned up magic, from the depths of my own being, and I used that power to kill a man. Because I was angry, and scared."

    Jon sighs. "I can't do magic I don't /believe/ in, Cael. Or at least it's... it's /hard/. And it's become frightfully easy for me to summon up destructive magics. What does that say about me? About what I'm becoming?"

    A frown. "Two and a half months ago I stood in between Michael and Caitlin and I held my ground. I protected a woman who'd been my enemy, who'd hurt me, because it was the right thing to do." A pause. "Or... someone who shares my name and my face did. I wonder, lately, how much of him got left behind in Duat."
Cael Becker     "...God. Has it been that long?" Cael breathes quietly, her grip on Jon tightening. That moment- ...had been awful for her. Awful - but he was still here. She was sure of that.
    "If you were all that different - would I still be here? If you were a monster- when have I ever held my tongue? Reserved my judgement?" she counter. "You're a good person, who worries about the harm they cause, and you're always trying to do better. To //be// better."
    Her fingers contnue massaging Jon's scalp as she muses, "Maybe you need some training on how to control and even harness fear and anger in the field." Cael smiles a bit wryly before adding, "Maybe we both do."
Jonathan Sims     "Well, that's one of the things to cover with Uriel, I suppose. I just..." Jon frowns up at the ceiling. "I crossed a line, Cael. I broke the oaths I swore to uphold when I became a doctor. Even if I somehow... integrate it all and accept it all and stop hating myself, I don't get to go back. I killed a man. /I/ did. Not the Archivist, not Ma'at. Me. Jonathan Sims. That wasn't supposed to be any part of who I am."

    He turns his head to peer at her. "Have you ever... have you /ever/? I mean, in your work with the FBI or SHIELD? Not a monster... have you killed a mortal?"
Cael Becker     "...no," Cael admits quietly. "But- look, it should hurt like hell. Yeah? It should make you doubt yourself. It was a human life, even if- ...even if not an innocent life, most likely. And I know, it's probably harder for you - worse for you - than it would be for me. But... that doesn't make you a monster, Jon. If it ever stopped hurting you to kill someone... Then we start worrying if you're a monster or not. You know?"
Jonathan Sims     "Monsters can hate themselves," Jon murmurs. "Just look at Frankenstein."

    They sigh, and look over at Cael. "I don't know how long it'll take for me to be okay," they say softly. "I don't... I don't know if I ever will. Gaea told me the anger's a part of me, and always has been. The 'rushing tidal flood that comes out and washes away everything in its path with implacable stubborness.' I never thought of being stubborn that way. I just thought I was being... determined."

    He peers at her. "Was she right? Is that... was that always there? It keeps coming in waves these days, like I can't hold it back anymore."
Cael Becker     "Stubborness? Indesputably," Cael counters firmly.
    "Anger...? I'd think so. Weren't you- you got angry, didn't you? In that alley, where we found Elizabeth Byram. You got angry. Of course anger has always been a part of you, Jon. And didn't- wasn't that anger part of what motivated you? To put a stop to it?
    "I was mad too, you know. So was Sara."
    She pulls back enough to kiss Jon on the forehead as she adds softly, "It's okay not to be okay."
Jonathan Sims     "Was I? I felt..." Jon frowns, reaching back, remembering feeling off-kilter from the statement of Michael's victim, the first one that had knocked him out. Feeling disgusted by what had happened. Determined to bring the killer to justice.

    And then, yes, anger, buried maybe, but there, implacable and strong, driving all the rest. Anger at the injustice, at the cruelty, at the threat meted out to the people gathered to check on the crime scene. Anger at the hypocrisy inherent in the entire theology he'd thought angels were embedded in, back then.

    "I guess I was," he says after a moment. "I've just always kept it under such tight control... it felt like something cold and hard instead of these warm waves. I suppose being the Great God Ra melted all the ice, hmm?" That's said in a lighter tone.

    Then he laughs, and adds, "That's my line." But he's relaxing again. Not letting go of it all, yet, but... adjusting. Slowly.
Cael Becker     "You don't know yourself very well do you - Dr. Jonathan Euphemios Sims? Hrm?" Cael says in a teasing tone, giving him a second kiss - this time, on his lips.
    "And no matter who says it - it's true. But you are not a monster, and I love you, and I'm sorry you're in pain, and I'm here for you. I //am// here for you," she says with determination. "Maybe not perfectly. Maybe not everytime you need me - or always in the way you need me but- I'm here for you," she promises.
Jonathan Sims     "I am not a /Byzantine/, Cael. These names are getting more and more farfetched." But Jon returns the kiss with a smile. For a moment he stays pulled away just a bit, looking right into her eyes.

    "Thank you," he says finally, "for insisting we do this. The vacation, I mean. I'm sorry it wasn't longer... but I want to do it more often. Pick up the family, get away, worry about nothing but each other. I need this. I need you. All of you."

    Their voice suddenly falters and then they laugh. "If I didn't think you'd say no... I was about to ask you to move in with us. But I know you need your space, and I know you need Sara. I just... I love you. I wish I could figure out how to express it without restoring to flowers and public singing."
Cael Becker     "Farfetched makes it funnier," Cael says brightly. "...but Marigold was probably my favorite. It's the 'she's about to says Mariposa'-ness of it." She grins at Jon, before settling in against them again.
    "I knew you did. I //really// knew I did. And skiing //is// fun. ...when I'm not crashing into snow banks. Even then, I've done worse thing."
    The mention of 'moving in' causes her to still - and perhaps even stiffen a little, as she stares off at the opposite wall. "I- look. If there was a... guest room or something? I could stay over sometimes. It'd be nice, but- I mean. It's... fine. You're alway welcome at me and Sara's. Always."
Jonathan Sims     Jon ponders that. "Well," he says slowly, "if we get a new place--and we might, given all the memories left in the apartment we have--then I'll see about a guest room. We could use the extra space anyway."

    He strokes her hair gently. "It's okay, love. It really is. What I mean is... I always want you around. You're always welcome. I will bring you baskets of noodles and whiskey and orange flowers to show my love. I want as much of your time as you're willing to give--and I think that if you had said 'yes okay' I might have checked to see if you're a doppleganger." He leans down to kiss her, smiling.

    Then he sighs. "Did I tell you I fell in love with you the first time you put on the Falcon wings? You need space to fly, and I'd never, ever cage you. I know you'll be there if I need you... but I can't imagine you living in a house that has /clotted cream/ in the kitchen." A smirk.
Cael Becker     "Brits have the weirdest foods," Cael mutters. "How is blood sausage a thing? How is //beans and toast// a breakfast food? And- com'on, Marmite isn't even... edible." Them's fighting words! ...potentially.
    She's silent for a moment before adding, "I don't know when I started to love you. I know that- when I kissed you on the forehead, in your office, that's when- when Alis became convinced of it. Do you think I was in love with you when you and Sara rescued me?"
Jonathan Sims     "Oh I despise Marmite on its own. It makes a good addition to sauces and stews, though." Jon smirks. "Anyway, what's the difference between beans and bacon or sausage, really? It's a protein and toast, is all."

    They consider that, as they sit there in the heat. "I don't know. Maybe. Maybe that's why it all hurt us both so much. I know my feelings for you are what caused... so much of my actions, then. Trying to protect you, to save you, and not really knowing /why/. I would almost hope... that it wasn't /because/ I helped save you. Gods, that would be weird."
Cael Becker     "Because... they're //beans.// Proteins are not created equal!" Cael protests. "By that logic - I should have... sardines on toast for breakfast. Or t-bone steak." She gives Jon a nudge, then goes quieter and more contemplative.
    "I... don't think so?" she remarks uncertainly. "But- I mean, I understand so little about love, if I'm being honest. I haven't... experienced much of it. Just- you, and my mother, and Alis. ...and Sara, I suppose. I- There's part of me that still- that can't really understand why... Agnes would worry about me."
Jonathan Sims     "...Have you /been/ to a diner in America, love? People do indeed have t-bone steaks for breakfast. Steak and eggs, it's a thing."

    Jon leans over and puts their head atop Cael's. "Alright, well, think about this... when do you think you stopped seeing me as different than, say, Sam? Not just someone you're friendly-ish with, not just a colleague or a training partner or even... well, we wouldn't admit we were friends back then, I suppose." He laughs. "You called me Jonny-boy when I'd fainted after that statement, do you remember?"
Cael Becker     "I do have a history of calling you stupid names to see how many buttons I can press - don't I?" Cael replies with a laugh. "...but no. I didn't remember that. Maybe- well. Maybe it's harder for me to say when, exactly, because - unlike //some// people, I don't have perfect recall. That's not how memory works, and that's why it's so dodgy as evidence!"
    She lets out a sigh, then adds, "All I know for sure is- I- by the time I gave you my statement, I was closer to you than I'd felt to... anyone in a long time. Because I don't- I just don't kiss people. But going back before that... I don't know, Jon. I just don't."
Jonathan Sims     "That's alright," Jon says. "I'm half-afraid of the answer, if I'm being honest. Which I have to be. Honest, that is." They sigh. "What if it /was/ that I saved you? What if it was bonding during therapy? Did I entirely fuck everything up? We don't need that. We know what we are, now."

    He swallows. "If... if I had to guess... I think you loved me by the time we saved you. The way you rested your forehead on mine, when you had me pinned to the wall. You felt close to me already, and I /knew/ that, I could /feel/ it. I just didn't recognize the tenor of the emotions."

    A shrug. "Maybe there wasn't a... moment, for you. Maybe it was just a sort of drift or fall... well, they call it 'falling in love,' right? For me it was a sudden fall off a cliff, even if I didn't realize it at the time. Maybe for you it was more like skiiing downhill--and /not/ hitting a snowbank." He smirks, but only briefly. "At some point, friendship becomes love, and it all kind of... blurs together."
Cael Becker     "I didn't want to hurt you," Cael breathes quietly, though Jon knew this perfectly well already. "I just- I thought you'd come as witnesses." God shewas messed up in that moment.
    "You're probably right, though. I- resting against you like that is just as unusual as the kiss. I just- I didn't see it. I didn't notice. There was... a lot going on." She's silent a moment before adding softly, "As painful as everything has been... it's led us hee. And I like where we are. And I like- It's nice, really belonging. Really being loved."
Jonathan Sims     "Agnes does love you, too, in her way. And Martin. We've all been alone in our lives, Cael--and we're building a family together. And while I wouldn't say 'Sara's part of the family' in the same way, well, if she's part of /yours/, then she's family to me. A lot of people care about you, Cael. More than you know."

    They sigh. "Mmmmm... it's getting overly hot in here. D'you want to try the actual spa? I don't think you'd go in for massages, but I was thinking I might get a manicure. I used to paint my nails--well, you've seen the old band photos. And I'm thinking of dyeing my hair." They grin. "I know I'm a bit late to the Golden State Warriors bandwagon, but..."
Cael Becker     Cael falls silent as Jon comments on the people that care about her - a few tears streaking quietly down her cheeks as she rests there without comment.
    But the truth is - she is hot, and uncomfortably so, so when Jon speaks again, she nods in agreement. "You're going to copy me?" she asks in amusement. "Gooooo warriors!"
    She looks thoughtful for a moment, then adds, "I'd like massage - if you gave it. That I'm certain of." Climbing to her feet, and picking up her towel she adds, "I think I need to dip in the pool for a few moments but after that - yeah. Let's see what the spa is like."