10813/Picking Up the Broken Pieces

Picking Up the Broken Pieces
Date of Scene:	18 April 2022
Location:	Sara and Cael's apartment
Synopsis:	Jon and Cael talk about their differing perspectives regarding the end of their angel problems - and then doze off to a particularly boring space documentary.
Cast of Characters:	Cael Becker, Jonathan Sims

---

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael's quiet for the journey back home - holding herself together by the barest of margins. It doesn't last much further than the threshold as Bear makes himself known, whining anxiously and urging her towards the couch, his tail wagging furiously enough to make his hindquarters waggle in time. She sinks into the couch, hugging Bear as he jumps up beside her, crawling into her lap and trying to lick the tears streaking down her cheeks. "That is so gross, Bear..." she manages to get out, as she buries her face into his neck instead, her bandaged fingers resting on his white, shaggy fur.
    "I'm okay, Bear. I'm... fine."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon makes sure Phoebe and Asariel have Chas, Robbie has Rien, Lady Death gets back to wherever she lives now. He promises to check on people, but he knows the first thing he's going to have to do is get Cael home and settled.

    And sleep. He's going to have to sleep. Ugh.

    "Can't lie to a therapy dog any more than a telepath, love," they comment as they eye the pair for a moment and then go to the kitchen. "Coffee with whiskey? You can choose when to sleep now, after all."

Cael Becker has posed:
    There's a long, deliberate silence as Cael tries to turn her mind to the difficult task of making a decision.
    Does she want coffee? Does she want to avoid sleep?
    "...just whiskey," she finally offers in a quiet voice. "Please." She holds Bear a little tighter as she adds, "You're staying tonight. Yeah?" Despite trying to keep her voice even, and calm - there's no hiding the anxiety behind that simple question.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Of course," Jon says. "The others can wait for tomorrow at least. But I /will/ have to catch up with them soon." Which includes Chas, though he doesn't mention that.

    He pours whiskey into two glasses and brings them out into the living room. He holds one out to Cael with a smile. "So... we won. For real and good, this time."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "...it's over, then?" Cael asks, lifting her face from Bear's neck just enough to look up towards Jon. She watches him from a moment, before she reaches out to take the cup in her bandaged hand. "Completely? We never have to see any of those fucks again if we don't want to? Reality's safe. You're safe. It's- it's done."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon nods. "Michael died, and what came back... it was Michael, but it wasn't... /Michael/, if that makes any..." They frown. "It was a true rebirth, I think. A realignment, something closer to what Michael should have been if he'd given up the Demiurgic Force to begin with. No more meddling, no more danger... not from that angle, at least."

    They sigh, and take a sip of whiskey. "There'll always be... something, I'm certain. That's part of what I've been trying to get across to Michael, something I know that he knew, and just wasn't... accepting. Order isn't about pristine, brittle perfection. Order is a matter of taking up the loose matter of Chaos and making something with it. Or, sometimes, about repairing what's been broken. It's a constant push and pull."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Over. Completely over - finally. After all these months. She hides her face against Bear for the span of a few more breaths, before finally straightening up enough to take a drink from her glass. She leans back against the couch, Bear still leaning into her chest, as she looks up towards Jon standing above use.
    "How are you okay?" she asks quietly. "After everything that's- how're you not... just as big a mess as I am?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "These haven't been the worst few months of my life, by a long shot," Jon says softly. "Nothing that's happened has been as... bad as losing Martin, or giving up Agnes. Those moments, when I thought I was alone in the world...?" He shakes his head. "I mean, even when I thought Martin was dead, I kept going. I found the will to... to carry on."

    They sit down on the couch next to Cael with a sigh. "This whole time... even if Martin hasn't been by my side, he's been /around/. I've had Agnes. I've had /you/. I've had the Justice League Dark, and my other allies." They put a hand to their chest. "And I have Ma'at. I... what I told Michael, what convinced him--I think--to finally give up his power, is that none of us are /ever/ truly alone. We're all... connected. Even if you weren't in the room, I knew you were out there fighting. I knew Martin and Agnes were waiting for me at home. I knew Chas was going to need my help, once we got him home. And even if... even if I'm ever /alone/ in the world again, even if I lost the Archive and you died and Martin died and Agnes died... that horrible part of my life, that's when I met Lydia and Phoebe, you know? It's... life goes on, I suppose. We get hurt, we heal, and if we're lucky we line the cracks with gold to make something more beautiful."

    They smirk. "Or maybe I'm just as big of a mess and I'm just... repressing it all. I mean, I /am/ English."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael listens in silence, one arm around Bear, the other hand holding her whiskey. Her weight shifts when Jon sits - so that her shoulder presses into theirs, somehow finding strength in that simple contact. She can't another drink from her glass, letting her head flop back against the back of the couch.
    "You disappeared," she says quietly. "And there's Michael saying you wouldn't be harmed - but... he hadn't thought he'd harmed me. And- And I hadn't really seen Chas since-" She cuts herself off, gritting her teeth, and swallowing hard, rather than finishing that thought.
    "I lost it. //Again//."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "He changed his mind, from what I can tell. About whether or not he'd harmed you. I think the whole wedding business got him to... stop, and sit, and actually think." Jon sighs. "But... honestly, Cael, I /needed/ to have a chance to sit and talk to him, one-on-one. Without the distraction of fighting him, or anything like that. I was finally able to see the problem, the /real/ problem, which was just that he was... afraid. Letting go of the Demiurgic Force, it... he thought it meant being cut off from the Presence. I convinced him that it wouldn't, and neither would dying."

    He frowns at her. "I'm sorry, though, that it... was so hard for you. I mean hopefully now we can... move forward. You can punch Chas or yell at him or whatever you need to do. You don't have to worry about Michael coming after me anymore. It's over."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I couldn't trust him," Cael murmurs - feeling that fear rise in her again. The same fear she'd felt when Jon had simply //vanished// from her side, and she couldn't get to him. Couldn't watch his back. "I... felt so helpless. Again." Her grip tightens on Bear, even as the white mass of fur tries licking at her face again, forcing Cael to turn her head away.
    "Seriously, Bear! That's gross!"
    But effective. What's more grounding than a dog licking your face?
    "I'm just glad it's done. I'm ready to take... a year off from work.
    "And I imagine that feeling'll last me all of... two weeks before I get so antsy I want to go back again."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "You could've trusted /me/," Jon says, with a slight frown. "We still had the tether, and I'd faced him and refused him more than once. And this... this was the /point/ of it all. It was..." He huffs out a breath. "I'm not a soldier, Cael. I'm a /therapist/. Talking Michael down was always what I figured was going to happen... and how do we talk in the middle of a battle?"

    They stare down into their glass and then shake their head, taking a long drink of whiskey. "It's done," they agree. "It's done, and he's gone, and that's... that. And we have a ski trip to go on, after all." There's a vague tension in their voice, though.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I trust you," Cael answers immediately. "But if he'd wanted to harm you there's- well. There's nothing //either// of us could have done. I was scared." She presses her cheek into Jon's shoulder before she adds, "Maybe- Maybe it would have been different if he'd asked. If you'd said you wanted to go with him but- he just //took// you. You were just... gone. And I'm supposed to believe //him// that you're not being harmed?" Tear's start streaking down her cheeks again, and she irritably tries to brush them away without spilling her whiskey - quite a trick with bandaged hands.
    "But it's done," she agrees.
    She's silent a moment before asking more quietly, "Are you upset with me?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "No," Jon says swiftly. Then, more slowly, "Yes. I don't know. I can hardly fault you for the way you reacted to something that was terrifying, to seeing Chas, and all the rest of it. And I know there's no way you would've stayed behind."

    They frown. "I just... it's just... Michael /changed/. That... that was the whole point. If Michael hadn't changed, hadn't been willing to admit he was wrong, none of this would've... worked. And that's... what I meant, that you didn't trust... that we'd been able to... effect that change. Even though that's what I've been trying to... explain, this whole time, that you can't just tell someone they're wrong over and over, that you can't fight them and expect them to /listen/. At some point, the only way these things really get fixed is that people have to... meet in the middle, somewhere."

    His brow furrows. "I forgave Michael," he says after a moment's silence. "Maybe that's what... maybe I'm worried you'll be upset with me, for that. You've been so... you've just refused to see him, or Chas, or /anyone/ that hurt us as anything but an irredeemable monster."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Forgave him? Cael does feel a flare of anger, and hurt at that news. That Jon could forgive him, after after everything that'd happened to them both - after all the people who'd died. After poor Amit's death... Her jaw tightens, and she takes a deep breath in, letting it out slowly as she tries to push those emotions away.
    She has to take a few more deep, slow breaths before she even attempts to speak.
    "I don't think Chas is a monster," she replies. "I'm fucking pissed at him. And- And I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at him without thinking of- how helpless I felt, trapped in that room. But... he's not a monster. He just fucked up." Really, really fucked up.
    She swallows hard before she adds, "And maybe Michael's different. I mean- you say he is, so... he must be. He sure- he seemed different," she admits. "But I don't- I can't forgive. I can't. I fucking hate him, and I want nothing to do with him. Ever."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Forgiveness doesn't mean I want anything to do with him. It doesn't mean I'm going to be palling around with the new one up in Heaven or anything. Forgiveness doesn't mean I condone anything he did, or that I'm saying he was right, or justified. Forgiveness just means... letting go of the anger, and the hatred. Letting go of my desire to beat his face in, even if that /did/ feel good." Jon smirks, briefly, but then shakes his head. "I didn't forgive him for /him/, Cael. I forgave him for /me/. So I can move on from this whole business."

    He sighs. "He apologized. He said he'd been wrong to do... to go about things the way he did. I don't know if I could have forgiven him, if he hadn't. If he'd stuck to his guns. But... he listened. He changed. He tried to make things right. The new one's got a long way to go, in that, to be sure. And I'm not... nobody /else/ has to forgive him. But for myself? I needed to. I don't /like/ being angry, I'm not... good at being angry."

    He glances aside at Cael. "Besides, if we build a world where nobody can ever be forgiven, then why does anyone who's ever fucked up have any reason to try to change? That's what we did, on a fundamental level, you know. It used to be that souls that were judged badly were--well, some of them--being siphoned off to the Old Ones. Now, they go back into the cycle... some to places of damnation, I suppose, to be 'cleansed' if they need that. Some just to be reforged and reborn. A chance to start anew, without the respite of paradise in between that the 'good' souls get."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I know that, Jon," Cael murmurs as Jon tries to define forgiveness for her. She takes another drink from her whiskey as he continues, still taking slow, deep breaths to help keep her whirling emotions in check.
    "I've wronged people. I- I don't expect any of them to forgive me. I try to make up for my mistakes - or at least, to do more good than I've done harm, but... I can never fix the things I've done." And neither can Michael.
    "I can't forgive him. I just- can't. Not yet, anyways. It still hurts too much."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "It's not as if he'd asked me," Jon says, voice still soft. "I just... I couldn't... that anger, that fire, that's not... /me/, Cael. It drives you, it keeps you moving when you want to stop, when you're terrified. I knew that was why you went after Chas. You'd been scared, and you needed to hold on to the anger." He smiles. "You're a lot like Martin, in that. Maybe that's my type, hmm? I guess I just mean... I understand why you can't. I don't blame you... if anything, I love you for it. That you'll... stand there and refuse to budge. That you demand the world gives you what you're owed."

    He frowns down into his glass. "But for me... anger's like a flood. It rises up all at once, washes over me, and I lash out, and then when it's gone I feel... well, renewed, if the anger was righteous, but drained, too. If I try to hold onto it, try to prolong the flood, I make stupid decisions, or I spiral out of control. I /have/ to let it go. If I hadn't... I probably /would/ be a mess."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I'm pretty sure I make stupid mistakes too, when I'm mad," Cael answers wryly. "I just- I don't know. Feeling angry feels... safer," she admits. "I don't-" She can feel her stomach knotting up again, and she shakes her head, while Bear nuzzles at chest. She has to swallow before she can even attempt to talk again.
    "I just can't stand feel helpless. Or scared. That doesn't make my anger a strength, it's- it's a crutch."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Feeling angry scares me," Jon admits. "It's overwhelming. It makes me /more/ afraid, and then I do... stupid things, out of that fear. I think I'm just trying to say... you burned your hands and punched Chas. I forgave Michael and tried to calm you down. We were both... /ourselves/. It's all entirely predictable, in a sense, if you know either of us."

    He sighs. "I'm saying I'm not upset with you. I just hate feeling like I... betrayed you, or something, because I did something I needed to do."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Somehow, that gets a smirk of amusement out of Cael - and she nudges Bear back just enough so she can turn towards Jon. "I forgive //you,//" she reassures them, before leaning in for a gentle kiss.
    "Not that there's anything to forgive. You were just being true to yourself and- well. I've always said I would support that, didn't I?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon leans down to return the kiss and looks at Cael rather seriously. "If we're going to build a world worthy of the people that died... I need to be myself, yes." They wrap their arms around her for a moment and sigh. "Remember a few days ago, when I didn't know what the point was...? Well, I finally figured out what the point was. At least for me, what /I/ went through, it... it was worth it all, in the end. We saved the universe, and we righted a few fundamental wrongs, and now we get to build something... better."

    He sighs. "They're building a starport, you know. In Atlantis. I don't know much about it, but I just... humanity gets that chance, now, because of what we did. How many people can say they helped fixed God's mistakes?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I'm glad you figured it all out," Cael replies, before finally finishing off the rest of her whiskey, settling into Jon's arms. "I, uhh... I don't really feel like there was a //point// to what I suffered. But... if that was the cost of setting things right, and saving reality? Then it was worth it. And I'm glad I survived it all. I'm glad you all came in time - or I never would have found... this."
    She falls into another brief silence before adding, "Let me know when you have to sleep, and I'll- I'll try to-" She takes a deep breath in to try to free herself of the feeling of anxiety summoned by her unfinished statement.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon frowns. "You'll try to...? We don't have to sleep at the same time anymore, love. Sandalphon broke the tether. There's no threat any longer."

    He reaches down to stroke Cael's hair. "I'm aware some of what I feel is my own... framing of the narrative. I can accept a narrative where my suffering and death allowed me to learn something that I passed on to Michael, something he couldn't have learned otherwise. And it allowed me to join with Ma'at, as well, and thus let her have a hand in restoring balance. And... who knows, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I didn't /need/ to go through any of this for that to happen, but it... it contextualizes the suffering. It helps me integrate it into my self-image, so that it becomes part of the whole."

    They frown. "I suppose I'd rather see myself as a hero than a victim, is all. I'd rather learn and grow and move forward. It's my way of not feeling helpless. If I could have spared you what you went through..." They sigh. "As it is, what I can do is be here while you heal. While we both heal."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I know. But if I don't try to sleep with you, then I have to sleep alone," Cael points out quietly. "I really don't want to sleep alone right now."
    She turns her head towards Jon's touch - reassured by the feeling of fingers toying with her hair. "That makes sense," she agrees. "I, uhh... I kinda wish I had a framework like that to... to make more sense of what I went through, instead of just-" Just what? She sighs.
    "I guess I can see better than ever, though, while people prefer to be labeled a survivor... instead of a victim."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon considers that for a long moment. "You survived," he says softly. "And not just that... you rose up against the creature that hurt you, and you were instrumental in his downfall. You gathered power to fight him, and you're putting that power aside now that you don't need it."

    They smirk. "Admittedly, if this were a movie, and I was the hero... you'd be the love interest," they tease. "The reason I fought so bravely and so hard! The reason I kept going when I thought of giving up!" A pause, and then, "Actually, you know... I think I might have stayed in Michael's perfect world, but I could feel you. Hear you. So... that's true."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Oh, God, I'm not the fucking love interest!" Cael protests - giving a laugh, and elbowing Jon in the side. And if it hurts a little? All the better.
    Ass.
    "You are not allowed to do the casting! Fuck, Jon!"
    After her protest, though, she settles in at his side again - her fingers going to the amulet at her chest. "I'd take it off now, if not for..." She turns up her bandaged hands, and lets out a sigh.
    "God I loved that sword. It'd be useless to me now, though."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I could heal your hands," Jon offers softly. "I suspect the amulet's done enough that I could do it without scarring them... and that pretty much means I could do it without scarring them."

    After a moment they add, with a twinkle in their eye, "No, but, you're right. /Martin's/ the love interest. You're... hmm... the other woman?" By their tone, they're /entirely/ teasing; they even tense up a bit like they're expecting Cael to elbow them again.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I've been saying that all along! That I'm the other woman. Martin just won't listen, though," Cael responds - probably not the answer Jon expected, but it's certainly true. She grins at this - much of her tension and anxiety eased by the casual, joking conversation.
    The question of healing her hands, though... She grows thoughtful, and then shakes her head slightly. "I don't really understand why," she admits quietly. "But I- I'd rather they hurt for a while. I'd rather it take //some// time to heal."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon smirks at her. "I mean, you can't be the /other/ woman when Martin's... not a woman. But, no, really, if I had some sort of standard hero's journey complete with dying and being reborn... your story is one of survival and bravery in the face of impossible odds. And also, being the voice of reason amongst all the magic users. The Everywoman. Everyperson?" They shrug. "I hate that term, but you know what I mean. I think."

    He eyes her hands, but sighs. "Alright. I understand, I think. Sometimes I think accelerated healing without accompanying toughness or protection from pain is as much a curse as a blessing. It doesn't help the mind have the time it needs to process the trauma."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Pain exists for a reason," Cael agrees. "And... I think wishing for a painfree existance isn't realistic - or healthy." She looks down at her hands, moving her fingers slowly as she adds, "Besides. It forces me to take a //bit// of a break. You know?"
    Letting her head rest on Jon's shoulder again, she lets one hand fall still on Bear's shoulder as she adds, "I still think you're the braver of the pair of us."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I think we're going to be saying 'no you' about that for the rest of our lives," Jon replies with a smirk. "Anyway, you can't very well ski with your hands messed up, so hopefully you'll be healed by then. Or do you want to put the amulet back before we go on vacation? Put a cap on it all, as it were?"

    He goes back to stroking Cael's hair idly, sipping the whiskey with the other hand, which still glows green.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I think I might want to put it back first," Cael admits quietly. "I want it all done. Completely, in my mind. So I don't have to... think on any of it anymore." Shove it all into a box, and shove it into storage - as it were. "Back where we found it? Or... can you think of any more fitting places to put it?" she asks.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Somewhere in Ireland, I'd think," Jon muses. "It's Scathach's, after all. I'll sleep on it, and see if the Archive comes up with any ideas."

    A pause. "But... not yet. If you're not tired, I can stay up a bit longer. Watch a movie, maybe?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Sure," Cael agrees to Jon's suggestion immediately. "If we pick something boring enough - I might even fall asleep by mistake - who knows?" she suggests. "Maybe... a documentary about the paint manufacturing industry. Or an indepth explination about the minutiae of legislation passed by the American Senate." She has trouble thinking of anything more dry and boring than //either// of those two options.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "...You don't think I'd actually /enjoy/ those subjects, do you? I'm not... I'm not /that/ boring...?" Jon pauses. "Or... you just mean boring enough to fall asleep to. Oh."

    They consider a moment, then say, "How about something about space? I'm curious, now, generally. Something technical enough to be incomprehensible for you, though."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "No, I don't think you'd enjoy those subjects," Cael says with amusement. "And... sure. Something about space," she agrees. "I'll let you pick. Something with pretty pictures, at least. Ummm... nebula and such. That's what they're called, yeah?"
    No - Cael has never studied astronomy, and probably never will.