6579/What if she hates him

What if she hates him
Date of Scene:	15 June 2021
Location:	Spring of 2020: The Triskelion.
Synopsis:	Peggy makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that she does NOT hate him.
Cast of Characters:	James Barnes, Peggy Carter

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James Barnes has posed:
    It's been about two years since Bucky's been in from the cold, but the past two weeks have been chilly for him regardless. News of Peggy being brought out of stasis was a double edged sword for him. Relief, so much relief that she's alive... but a powerful dread. What if she hates him as much as he hates himself?
    Given that, he's spent all of his time holed up in his quarters. His free time that is. He ventures out only when needed or when he has a mandated therapy session. He's still not fond of those things at this point.
    Currently he's sitting on his bed, blank sketch pad in his lap.
    A German Shepherd sits on the bottom of the bed looking as sad and pathetic as her person. She doesn't like when he's like this, in that despondent, anxious, depressed state he's in now. ...she's also spent way to many nights outside Peggy's door in the past few weeks, wondering why they were just standing there rather than going in.

Peggy Carter has posed:
Bringing Peggy out of deep freeze wasn't a planned event. The ancient, 1980s technology (tech they stole from the Soviets) finally malfunctioned. It was bring her out and hope for a miracle or know she'd be gone forever. The first few days were touch and go, the experimental serum they'd given her still drastically failing. But then the brilliant science team put some wild genetic engineering together, and it seemed to work. No one knew how long it'd stick, but it was working for now. A few days after that, she's been allowed to go up and about for the first time. A day later, she's escaping her prison of a medical bed. She has important work to do.

That work? Making certain someone doesn't blame himself for things not in his control. She'd gotten the run down from Steve, after he got over seeing her alive and they managed to have a real conversation. It took a little nudging and interrogation of medical staff, but eventually she figured out where his room was. She's barely two weeks from being on her deathbed, but she's not going to let this distance stay between them much longer.

Weakly, a cane in one hand to help hold up her weight on atrophied legs, she's made her way to outside his door. She knocks quietly, and then a bit more insistently. When he finally opens it, he'll find a woman who looks like a shell of her previous self -- hair thinned out, face as gaunt as her body which is wrapped in a warm robe -- but also determined to stand. To work on regaining her strength. "...had to make an old woman drag herself out of bed to visit you, did you?" She asks with wan smile.

James Barnes has posed:
    Fuck, Bucky grouses mentally when the knock on the door happens. People, he's in no mood for them. At first he considers not even answering, but that might end in something like more therapy sessions being added due to him being 'anti-social'.
    So, he sets the empty pad aside and pushes himself up to answer the door. He's wearing a pair of flannel lounge pants, no shirt, no shoes. His hair's a mess, his dark circles are pretty apparent. But he still looks a thousand times better than Peggy.
    Peggy... when he opens the door and sees her standing there, at first there's nothing. He's just frozen.
    Then Bucky nearly chokes on the sob he's trying to suppress. He *almost* hits his knees, a lesser willed man would have. He does stagger a little. He's about two point two seconds from some serious ugly crying if he doesn't pull it together.

Peggy Carter has posed:
There's no hate in her eyes. No even anger, really. Just exhaustion and some familiar worry, the same sort of worry he saw in her eyes after Steve brought him back from HYDRA's hold the first time. The gaze of someone who *knows* it's not okay, but also knows they don't really have time to take in order to make it okay. Maybe nowadays, they would.

As he staggers, her free hand comes out, dragging him into a quiet hug against her frail chest. Her skin feels like tissue paper. The worst of bruises have healed, but there's still faint raw patches of fresh skin and purpling bruises all across the visible skin on her limbs and throat. She still uses every inch of strength she has to hold him in that tight hug. "I know it wasn't you. I *know* that." She whispers firmly against him.

James Barnes has posed:
    Damnit, he was just about to be on the verge of being able to pull it together and then... Peggy's hugging him. Bucky's dam breaks. He's not so lost that he doesn't realize the need to help her stay standing and he does that, but he also buries his scruffy face in her shoulder and just fucking ugly ass BAWLS, choking out the words 'I'm so sorry' over and over and OVER again.
    His fragile, battered soul, in this moment? Well, it's pretty shattered. He feels her frailness in his arms and ... to know he's the cause of it? He's never been so close to just breaking into pieces.

Peggy Carter has posed:
"It wasn't you. I know that. You were the one that stopped him -- stopped what they had turned you into. I saw it on your eyes. If you hadn't stopped him, I *would* be dead, and you know that. The Winter Soldier never failed. You failed *twice* against me. You didn't do this." Peggy sisn't entirely expect the tears, but she's not complaining either. It's probably good for him and there's no judgment in her voice as she reassures home, over and over, that this is not his fault.

She turns her head, pressing a quiet bit of a sisterly kiss against his hair as he buries his face against her too-cool skin. She's still some paper doll, no strength left in her arms, but pure stubbornness keeps her on her feet and wrapped around him.

James Barnes has posed:
    It takes a minute or three, maybe four... for Bucky to bring himself under something that resembles control. When he finally manages to pull back a little and let go, he doesn't do the latter entirely. He would *never* expect Peggy to be happy about suffering the indignation of being carried, so he opts to help guide her toward the chair in the room instead. For another long few moments, he doesn't trust his voice to speak.
    Through it all, Lili's just been a quiet, although distressed, observer. But once Peggy's seated, the dog slinks off the bed and puts her head in the frail woman's lap.
    Finally, one final, "I'm sorry," as Bucky rubs at his eyes with the heals of his palms. Seems he's apologizing for his emotional meltdown now.

Peggy Carter has posed:
He's correct about the indignity, but Peggy doesn't complain about the assistance, at least. Her light weight rests against his shoulder as she lets him help her towards the nearest chair and she sinks down there with a little breath of relief. Even that little bit has her heart racing, cheeks faintly flushed, but it's a good sign that she's got enough life in her to get flushed at all. She gives him a tired, clear eyed smile. "Forgiven." She states simply, not an inch of hesitation about that.

Then her fingertips reach out, smile warming a bit more as she feels the weight of that canine in her lap, "And who is this lovely? Hullo there, goodness, aren't you sweet." Peggy murmurs gently to the dog, soothing slightly shaking fingertips across Lili's ears and fingernails in a gentle scritch across the side of her neck.

James Barnes has posed:
    The dog's tail thumps gently against the ground as she settles onto her haunches, head still in Peggy's lap. She's both liking all the attention and maybe seeking some solace of her own from the sad state her person's been in?
    "Her name's Lili," Bucky explains. "Steve got her for me. She's supposed to help with... stuff..." He doesn't seem sure that it's working, but then ... would he really notice if it was? "She's better company than most people at least."

Peggy Carter has posed:
"Of course he did. And no matter how much you argue, Steve generally has the right idea, you know that." Peggy murmurs up to him with a slightly warmer smile. She keeps her fingertips smoothing across the dog's fur in gentle, clearly caring motions, but her dark eyes are all for him. She studies his face, that loose mop of hair, just how exhausted his eyes look. A quiet sigh of worry escapes her lips now that she has mostly gotten her breath back.

"Oh, James... Please don't tell me all this mess is about my waking up? I know the hair can't be, that takes far longer to grow out. Goodness, what would Colonel Phillips say about that mop." She's gently teasing there, but it doesn't hide the heart deep concern behind her voice.

James Barnes has posed:
    Bucky drops his head just a little bit and that mop of hair turns into a veil that covers most of his face. There it is, the likely reason he hasn't seen fit to cut it all off since he was brought in? It's easy to hide behind. "I shoulda come to see you sooner," he admits so very quietly, shame heavy in his voice. "...I was just so afraid to see hate in your eyes." He'd hate him for what he did. Hell, he *does* hate himself for what he did. So, so so much.

Peggy Carter has posed:
"From that tone of your voice, I suspect you are hating yourself more than enough for both of us. And I do not hate you, I hate HYDRA. As I always have. That was HYDRA's doing, not YOURS. Do you understand me, Lieutenant?" Peggy asks, the steel behind her rasping voice so much like it was back in the SSR. She could be bleeding to death and still have a steely command tone, she's been doing it so long.

"Look me in the eyes. I need you to know I am being serious. If you wish to continue to punish yourself, well, I am not your mum, but you sure as hell shouldn't be doing it on my behalf." Those words and that tone has been enough to leave her faintly breathless again. All of her has been physically wrecked -- being on the edge of death and withering away will do that to a woman. But she's clearly fighting through it, even if it leaves her winded.

James Barnes has posed:
    Bucky doesn't look up, not yet anyway. His voice is still soft, barely there. "I don't remember everything I did clearly, just bits and pieces that bleed through in nightmares or if something reminds me." Now he looks up. His tired, red rimmed, dark circled eyes are a little too bright, but the tears don't fall this time.
    ... "But I remember *every second* of that night. I remember the sound of your wrist breaking, I remember the feeling of my hand on your throat. I remember all of it." ...why? Because he was fighting it all the entire time, his subconscious was fighting it the whole time, allowing those memories to be completed and stored. "It feels like it was me," he whispers.
    "You should go back to bed," he flips the subject on a dime when he sees how exhausted she is. "I'm fine... we can visit later. I'll bring Lili."
    The dog lets out a little whine of acknowledgement when her name comes from Bucky's lips.

Peggy Carter has posed:
A determined, white lipped smirk comes to Peggy's mouth. While she's still so pale, it's definitely Peggy behind those eyes. As stubborn and strong as ever. She'd come back from this, if her current attitude was any promise. She leans forward a bit, staring at him harder. "I asked for your eyes, Barnes. Not your excuses. You remember it because you wouldn't let them take those pieces from you. Because you were trying to fight the damn programming the whole time. I KNOW that. I know how HYDRA works. I *know* it wasn't you." Peggy affirms again, one fragile hand reaching out, trying to get him to come closer so he will take her palm. She enjoys Lili, but she cares more about touching him right now.

"Besides, if they hadn't sent the Soldier after me, I'd never have been given the serum, and I'd likely be long buried now. Instead... I'm here. It will be recovery time again, but I'm awake. Breathing. Walking. So look me in the eye before I get up and make you."

James Barnes has posed:
    Bucky's head does finally snap up. He looks Peggy straight in the eye and and says, "I shoulda fought *harder*!" It's not her he's yelling at, she probably knows that. It's himself. "Don't you see that? I should have fought *harder*."
    What he obviously doesn't see is that there likely aren't maybe a handful of men on the planet that could have fought it at all.
    In the end, he does take her hand as prompted, but he looks down again and repeats, "I shoulda fought harder."
    The fact that she's still alive after all these years isn't lost on him and he's grateful for it. But he's not ready to forgive himself for having been the reason the serum was needed to save her in the first place.

Peggy Carter has posed:
Her smaller hand wraps tighter around his, bereft of her usual red nail polish. That would have to change sometime soon, but the medical ward didn't really consider it essential. Peggy tightens her cool fingertips against him as strong as she can, desperately wanting to prove to him that she's hearty. Alive. Coming back well, even if it will take time.

"James, don't you know that there but a handful, if ANYONE else in the *world* who could fight their programming like that? Much less after years of it? What you did was already impossible, and you did it because you couldn't let yourself end my life. Twice. And you didn't. You gave me every chance to fight back and live, which is all I needed. And now we are both here. Are we going to waste what time we've been given on what happened 50 some years ago?" Peggy asks him softly, wrapping her second hand around his palm. She's not letting him go.

James Barnes has posed:
    Bucky doesn't try to pull away. He does that thing though, where he changes the subject on a dime when his mind won't let him process the current line of conversation any further. "They're making me see a therapist," he grouses. "so that sucks..."
    Lili, sensing the need for this to really be between her person and this new person that she's already fond of, slips off to her spot at the bottom of the bed. A spot, it might be noted, that's covered in dog fur. She's definitely permitted on that bed a LOT and... Bucky definitely needs to wash his sheets.
    He's keeping his gaze more 'in the direction of Peggy' rather than directly on Peggy now. That'll change soon, once she starts looking more herself and it doesn't hurt his heart to look at what he... they... caused.

Peggy Carter has posed:
"Well, they do that sometimes. It'e probably a wise choice, considering all you've been through. Even if you aren't all that fond of the matter, I'm glad you're *trying*." Peggy's voice seems genuinely supportive of that, even if she probably should see one herself and likely hasn't permitted herself to consider the matter. She's not here for her. Hands remain wrapped around his palm, the pad of her thumb idly stroking back and forth across the back of his knuckles.

"This...room. I am glad you have Lili. She is clearly a sweet girl. But when is the last time you washed this blanket or sheets? Chester would be up in *arms*, James... please don't tell me you've been hiding in here for weeks on my account?" She likely knows the answer already, but she wants it from him, her smile still tired and bittersweet. But it's a smile.

James Barnes has posed:
    He stood outside her door a lot, trying to get up the nerve to enter, does that count as points for leaving the room?
    "It's not just that..." Bucky begins. But it kinda is mostly that. He rolls his shoulders in a shrug. "People around here, they... I dunno, Peggles..." Falling back to that old nickname is a halfway good sign maybe. "I mean, I'm just sort of their ticking time bomb that they don't know what to do with. It's not like any of them are jumping for joy to have my company anyway. I'm here 'cause they don't know what else to do with me."
    ...a beat and, "Hey, I washed'm... " Wait, when *did* he wash them?

Peggy Carter has posed:
"Well, then, they aren't acting like proper SHIELD agents. Because it is our *job* to save those hurt by HYDRA, and you are one of those people. We will keep up the work and research to make certain we've gotten all their fingers out of your head, but you're not a ticking time bomb. You're James Barnes. You're my dear friend, Steve's BEST friend. One of THE Howling Commandos. That is who you are. Anyone who says otherwise can just bloody well sod off." Well, that is language Margaret Carter hardly ever uses. He might have heard it once or twice during their SSR days. But the fire behind her exhausted eyes says she means it now, as does the tightness of her frail fingertips around his palm.

James Barnes has posed:
    Bucky manages a smile, it's small but genuine. For just that moment, the moment of that smile, his pale blue eyes seem a little less shadowed in sadness. "You sound like one of those museum displays, but with more spunk." He finally does pull back and presses a light kiss to Peggy's forehead. "But you should rest now. ...and it's okay. I get it. Half of them are probably terrified of me and the other half probably want to kick my ass to prove they can." Not that many of them could. "Let me help you back to your room?"

Peggy Carter has posed:
"Only if you promise me you'll come visit. And stop looking at me like I'm breakable glass. I'm on the upswing -- I swear it. Whatever they did? It seems to have worked." Peggy gives his hand one last squeeze and then she's gingerly trying to get up out of the chair. For all her reassurances, getting back on her feet is a little too much. She slightly stumbles, catching against him in exhaustion. She's not face planting, but it's close. Not that he'd let her.

"But yes... rest... Is probably wise. I'd ask if I could stay here if they wouldn't throw a fuss. Monitors and all. They are so bloody nosy."

James Barnes has posed:
    Bucky would literally *die* before he'd let her fall. No, seriously, if making sure she didn't fall down meant throwing himself into a live volcano, he'd do it. He's quick to catch her when she stumbles.
    "I'll come, I promise," he assures her as he guides her toward the door. It'll probably be at night when he has less chance at running into people. He taps his free hand against his leg and makes a clicking sound with his tongue.
    Lili gets up to follow, ever the obedient companion. She'll be his 'people shield' on his way back to his room. He really hasn't been the most social of butterflies in the past few years, but now? Maybe with Peggy back to guide him? Hell, maybe he'll grow wings again?

Peggy Carter has posed:
The rest of the night is quiet, Peggy's own ego bruised by needing the help back to her bed. When she's there, she is suddenly scooped away from him by two stern face nurses very eager to lecture the grand dame of SHIELD for sneaking out. Apparently, she came to visit him without permission. She mouths him a brief apology and a quiet good night, but lets the medical staff take back over while he's lead towards his rooms by Lili once more. At least the biggest questions have passed. Now it's just healing to do.