12082/On the Subject of Forever

On the Subject of Forever
Date of Scene:	20 July 2022
Location:	Cherry Hill Fountain
Synopsis:	Cael and Jon get Chinese take out - and talk out some more of Cael's issues with Rien, and clarify some of Cael's current understanding of just //what// Jon has become.
Cast of Characters:	Cael Becker, Jonathan Sims

---

Cael Becker has posed:
    They city was oppresively hot - so for once, Cael is without her black leather jacket. The blonde-haired woman has opted instead for a spaghetti strap t-shirt over her usual jeans, and a pair of boots she'd had to buy recently - to replace the latest pair of boots she'd shredded with her most recent unplanned change in stature. She holds onto Bear's leash with one hand, and a carrying caddy with a pair of ice drinks in it, covered with condensation.
    The fountain itself, with its usual accompaniment of a single horse drawn carriage for the tourists, sits in full sun - so she nods her head towards a bench under one of the chair trees, leading them that way without a word. A faint sheen of sweat from the heat already covers her skin - but it'll be better in the shade.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon's ancestry is more used to this kind of heat, and the summer sun is a good excuse for dark glasses to hide his glowing eyes. So he's handling it all pretty well, wearing the wide-brimmed hat he bought in Bournemouth and his blue skirt, a loose t-shirt, and sandals. Which Cael had probably not seen him wear before Bournemouth, either. He's carrying the takeover containers, Chinese food, and while Cael got noodles (naturally), Jon is having beef with broccoli and fried rice like a /heathen/.

    Look, he just isn't as into noodles as Cael is. She's having what she likes! He doesn't have to as well!

    He heads toward the bench with a sigh. "Well, Agnes is well-ensconced at Chas' place in the West Village. She and Gabe seem to be getting along."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "That's good - and we can stay in touch easily enough," Cael replies, giving Jon a brief smile as she settles onto the bench. Agnes has only been a part of Jon's life for a few months, but she knows he already felt like there was a hole without her there.
    Cael hands Jon their drink, before taking the cap off her own coke. She pours in some whiskey from a small flask in her pocket and takes a sip, before she turns to the food.
    "Where's Bear's chicken?" Once she correct container is handed over - a plain grilled chicken breast with a few pieces of steamed carrot - she tears off a pieces and holds it out to the dog.
    "You know, if you'd just play some of the computer games with Agnes and me..."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon blinks at Cael, clearly confused. "What about the video games? I keep thinking of trying some out but it's already just not a thing I... do." He shrugs. "I suppose, perhaps, if I found the right one, but I don't mind watching other people play. But why bring it up...?" He tilts his head curiously as he sets the drink aside on the bench next to him so he can open the takeout box.

    Opening the box, he peers inside with chopsticks poised. "I wonder if this'll even... do anything for me," he murmurs thoughtfully. "Smells good, though." With a shrug, he pulls out a piece of beef and pops it in his mouth.

Cael Becker has posed:
    The look Cael gives Jon is mildly disbelieving. "Because you can put on a gaming headset and play //with// Agnes - even when she's not there. Fortnite or something."
    She frowns slightly as she watches Jon with the takeout - then looks down at her own food, opening the lid to stir the noodles around with a fork. "I could make you a sandwich when we get back?" she suggests. "Or fix you up a tea tray." Her gaze stays down on her noodles for a moment as she shovels a large bite into her mouth - rather than dwell further on this latest reminder of just what Jon //is// now - and what it really means.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Agnes doesn't play Fortnite," Jon protests for a moment. Does she? No. She doesn't. He'd know, right? "She offered to play some survival game with me. Something about not starving? She says it's 'cute,' but given that the art is all very, erm, goth, it makes me worry a bit." A pause. "I suppose she might be looking for games to play with me. She seems to think I'd like these 'find things and craft to survive' games, which, maybe? I suppose? But, I don't know, wouldn't that get... boring after a while?"

    He stirs the food around in the container for a moment. "I tried some, umm, artsy sorts of games, this one where you use wind to pick up flower petals and paint landscapes, which was nice. Very soothing, very relaxing. But, hmm, I keep feeling like I want some... challenge, but those Final Fantasy games you play, they seem a little... I don't know. /I'm/ not doing anything in it, you know? The characters are, I'm just telling them what to do. I feel like I'd do better with something where I'm actually trying to swing a sword or shoot a gun."

    Wait, Jonathan Sims, the Archivist, who doesn't even /like/ video games... would probably want to play action games? Shooters or action RPGs?? What is the world coming to?!

    "A tea tray might be nice," he murmurs. "Still weird that that's more filling than a whole takeout meal."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Well, the whole point is the find something you can play //with// her remotely - until she's back home," Cael says simply. "Even if it's just for... an hour every other day, or whatever? It keeps you in touch, you know? And I mean - not that she doesn't already //know// that you care, but- I mean, since video games really aren't your thing, it //shows// it. You know?"
    She stabs at her noodles again, giving it a swirl before picking up a bite. After she washes it down she adds, "Or - I don't know - put her on speaker phone and watch a netflix documentary together. Do they have a way to sync that stuff up...? We should look up 'watch parties' - pretty sure that's a thing."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Well, I'm willing to try. I just want to be sure it's something I'll enjoy. It's not like I can easily hide my frustration at 'why am I even building this hut in the middle of nowhere and mining for diamonds,' you know?" Yes, Jon tried Minecraft. "I suppose the exploration aspect was nice, but... it's /random/. I want something where someone... /crafted/ the world I'm exploring."

    After a moment's thought, Jon pulls out his phone and starts looking things up. One supposes he's finding a game to play with Agnes. "Watch parties are a thing," he murmurs idly, "but I think you're right about... going out of my way a bit, you know?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I know I'm right," Cael agrees. "...and, well, Agnes had a shit childhood, and that fucks you up and gives you issues." Right. Like the trained psychiatric //doctor// needs her to tell them that. "She gets- I've noticed she gets a little insecure. Like, she thinks I'm just tolerating her sometimes? Or that I'm trying to find ways to wiggle out of- I don't know. Sometimes I think maybe we'e past that. And then I remember you don't just //get past// the years of shit that easily." She tears off another piece of chicken for Bear, and tosses it to the tail-wagging pup.
    "I mean - if you want world building, there's Elden Ring, but it doesn't really seem like your thing...?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Well, and--I didn't even admit to being her father at first. You freaked out a bit when I died. Martin left. And all of those things have perfectly valid reasons, but a child still takes everything as being about /her/ even when it very much is not." Jon sighs. "And Elias... well. He /was/ barely tolerating her, from what I can tell. So... I'll make the effort."

    He peers at Cael for a moment and then types that into his phone. "Why wouldn't it be my thing? What's my 'thing?' Egypt and libraries, yeah?" A brief smirk, and then he puts the phone on his knee to peer at it while he eats some broccoli. And rice. Like a heathen.

    "It's pretty, that's for sure."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I dunno, it's just- it's a time sink. It's pretty intense and difficult. It's- well, I wouldn't really consider it for more 'casual' gamers?" Cael suggests. "But yeah. It's pretty, and it's got some thought into the story. I think I heard something about the Game of Thrones guy? Or maybe I'm thinking of a different game." Pause. "Or possibly a different guy." She gives a shrug of her shoulders - Cael's not the sort to follow celebrities - at all.
    "Anyways - Agnes is a good kid, and I like her well enough. And she //deserves// to have a real home with people who care about her so- hopefully I can convince her of all that at some point. If I haven't already." She tosses a carrot into the air, watches as Bear eagerly snatches it up, still watching Cael intently for his next morsel.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Why would 'intense and difficult' not be my thing, Cael?" Jon looks up at her, seeming vaguely affronted. "I learned the khopesh in a matter of months. I led the defense of Mahattan against the angels. I still spar with /you/ despite never /once/ having had a victory. I--you know--if I'm going to do something I'm not going to do it /casually/, that's part of why I never really got into video games before, I don't have the /time/ with the other things I do. But if I'm doing it for Agnes I'm going to bloody well /do/ it."

    Yeah, he's affronted. He even harrumphs a bit and stabs another piece of beef, glowering. "Agnes knows you care. I think a lot of the issue is just like I've been having--her own insecurities. Which is, often, what's at the bottom of anything, really. Even with a cruel, abusive sort--even with, say, Jonah--it's about their own fears more than anything else. He was terrified of ever dying. A truly, umm... a truly well-adjusted person, firm in themself and their will, won't hurt others needlessly. And if they do, they'll try to fix the problem."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael lets out a snort before she remarks, "Well - fine then, Jonathan Sims. You play Elden Ring, and let it be on your own head." She smirks with amusement, and leans over to give Jon a brief kiss on the cheek, before turning back to her food.
    "I know it's all in her head, from all the shit she went through. But- someone, or someones, we have to show her again and again it's just not true or it'll never sink in. Right? It's just- that's what way it is." She's silent for a moment before adding, "I never got that, or maybe - I just never //felt// like I did?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "It's not even that," Jon says softly, with a faint frown. "The thing is, you can't convince someone of something just by telling them over and over again. Sometimes even showing someone proof they're wrong about something just reinforces their current beliefs. We talked about that with Caitlin, remember? She had to see through Michael on her own, to some degree. We could give her the tools, give her the knowledge, but she had to /want/ to walk away."

    He sighs. "That doesn't mean... helping people is good. But people have to /want/ the help. They have to be willing to do the work. Sometimes what gets someone willing to do the work is that they'll be shut out otherwise, that they'll go to jail--but sometimes it isn't. /Everything/ has to come from within, or it won't work."

    He glances over at Cael. "To some degree--it doesn't matter how often I prove I'll be here for you, or say it, or demonstrate how much I love you. /You/ have to believe that you're not just going to lose me. Which doesn't mean I don't... show that I love you, but it also means I need to stop eating noodles when I don't feel like it or chase you down when you need space, just to prove it to you." A brief smirk. "Agnes is the same way, really."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael glances aside at Jon, then down to her takeout container again. She picks up her glass of coke and whiskey, and takes a sip before she remarks quietly, "I know you're not going anywhere."
    She leaves it simply as that as she swirls up some of the noodles before she asks, "Do you think I push myself too hard on Agnes? I mean- I wouldn't think so, but-" Jon's the professional.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon shakes his head. "I don't think so, no. It's more a matter of--are you doing a thing because you want to, because you care about her? Or are you doing it to try to stave off her insecurities because you're worried about her reaction, otherwise? That's why I want to be certain I'm actually enjoying myself, that I /want/ to do what I'm doing with her. And yeah, maybe I'm going a bit out of my way--but it's because I care about her. Kids can often sense when that isn't genuine. They're finely tuned to their caretakers' moods. But I'd say you're doing fine with Agnes. She really enjoyed the vacation, and some of it's just going to take time. But she knows you care."

    He frowns for a moment. Then says, "What's up with you, though? Something's upsetting you. Is it just--Rien?" A pause. "I--I wish things weren't... difficult, there."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I mean - it's both. I want to. I care about her. I want to show her - and to show you - that I care about her. And I don't want her to grow up feeling insecure, and unwanted, and unloved because- it fucking sucks, you know? I mean, I take her to do things I think she'll enjoy - but it's stuff I enjoy too. So- we can enjoy it together." Cael flashes Jon a brief smile - which freezes slightly at their direct question to her.
    Her gaze returns to her noodles, which she stirs around a bit uneasily. "That's, uhh- that's a lot of things. I mean, part of it's Rien." She presses her lips together before she says heatedly, "You sat there - talking about how you're following your gut, trusting your instincts, sitting there right next to Rien - laughing with her, hugging her, and I just- my gut said to drag you the fuck out of there. To get you away from her because- she's not just a different woman than I remember. She's //wrong// she feels... wrong. The way she smiles, the way she- there's this //wrongness, and I swear Jon, she's giving me these looks, these smiles, that are- not kind, when she thinks no one else can see it. She's not Rien - she's not our //friend// and there she is- in the middle of everything. A //leader// in the JLD, and you're just- you trust her. And you're telling her //everything// and-"
    She lets out a frustrated sigh. "I mean, it would be perfect for them, wouldn't it? Have someone there in the middle of all of us. Leading us astray. Sabotaging our efforts. Hearing all of our plans. And I can't- I'm worried we failed Rien. That it's not- I don't think they tired with her, or whatever. I think they finished with her. They got what they wanted. They- consumed her. And replaced her, and no one else even knows what- I think we failed her, and she's gone. And, God, Jon, it's not like I want to believe that, but-" But she does.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "It would be," Jon admits softly. "But... it would also be good for them to come at someone with no powers, someone they could more easily affect than me or Chas, to sow doubt and discord amongst us. To make her doubt herself further. To make /us/ doubt her. To--to scare you."

    They glance over at her. "And they /are/ scaring you, Cael. They're eating you, now. Whichever one of us is right, this is affecting you deeply. I know that. So don't think I'm not /worried/." They frown, and set the beef and broccoli container aside, and pick up their fried rice.

    "Look, when I talk about trusting my instincts--I don't mean that /you/ shouldn't trust /yours/. My instincts tell me that Rien is the same woman I've known for months, and logic tells me the same. But if your instincts, if your /will/, is telling you something else? Then /follow/ that."

    He looks over at her, almost earnestly. "You can't just follow in my wake forever, in magical matters. I didn't want you in the JLD just because I wanted to spend more time with you. I wanted you here because you are clear-eyed, and level-headed, at least about things that don't involve me dying." A smirk, but it's brief. "One of us is wrong. If you're wrong, then something has changed your memories, and the only way to fix that is for you to trust that they're wrong and let us help you. If /I'm/ wrong, then--"

    Then they failed Rien. His heart constricts for a moment and he shudders.

    "Look, I /want/ to believe you, but I sit and I think it through and--it's not like Annabelle. There's no hole in my life, and when I talk to other people, well, they remember Rien that way too. There are pictures on my phone, her whole family, the bloody /angel/ we know. You know? Something would have had to overwrite all of reality and overcome multiple gods and angels. The obvious answer is that it's /you/ that's affected."

    He looks at her very firmly, and his eyes glow enough that it's barely visible even behind the sunglasses. "But if you think you're right, then go find some proof. Follow your instincts, follow your path. Even if it diverges from mine. That's the only way this gets resolved, one way or another. Either you're right, and something's happened to Rien--or you'll be convinced you're not, and we can figure out what's happening to you."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I //know// that's the simpler, more logical solution. I //know// the simpler solution is almost always the right one. I just- I don't understand how you can't //feel// it, too," Cael answers quietly, a frown pulling at her lips. "I just want to cry. I just want to grieve for my friend because- she's gone."
    She lets out a heavy sigh, running a hand through her hair before she asks wryly, "Am I allowed to drag you away from her in the meantime? Because //fuck// it killed me last night to see you sitting there with her - drinking, laughing, and hugging. It's- it was awful."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Something's... wrong," Jon agrees. "It's like a... like a piece of sand in my eye. Irritating, bothering me. It's only started since I wrested control of the Ceaseless Watcher, so--is that the Watcher, irritating me, trying to make me afraid? Does it sense whatever /was/ on Rien? Are you right, and something's happened?"

    They frown. "Look, I... Rien's my friend. I can't just... not be friends with her. But I can--look, I can help you, maybe? Find whatever proof we need. Because /something/ is bothering me, /something/ is wrong, and it's..." A pause.

    "Honestly," he says softly, "it's the Watcher. Prodding me. Telling me to dig into the secret. It's... a painfully familiar feeling, actually. So--maybe I shouldn't help you. But I want to. I mean, if nothing else, we find proof Rien /is/ the same Rien she's always been and then we go from there."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I was thinking of going to the library, or one of the newspapers. I mean - Rien's //old.// I tried looking at digital photos - it's time to try to find some hard copies. News coverage from WWII. If she palled around with Cap, then- there's got to be a photo of her somewhere. Yeah?" Cael asks for confirmation.
    She shifts in her seat, reaching down to rub at Bear's head for a moment before she asks, "You couldn't just- maybe a little less with the hugging? Because between this feeling of... //wrong//ness, and the current size of the moon, I just- The urge to get you away from her when she's touching you is pretty strong," she admits.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon smirks at Cael. "The moon's nearly half full, love. Are you sure that's not just you being possessive?" A sigh. "You know Rien's one of the only people I've been comfortable hugging." No, she isn't. Not in Cael's memory. It was Cael and Agnes and Chas, pretty much. "I /like/ Rien's hugs, even if nobody else does." That's believable. Jon's a hugger, and he /has/ been actively trying to get back to being comfortable touching people.

    He sighs. "I get the state of the moon and whatever, but I'm not--I'm just not comfortable with this--I'm not forcing you to hug Rien. And I'm not /dating/ her or anything. I just... it's not even about Rien, it's this kind of... I am allowed to be friends with someone you don't like. I am allowed to hug people, and that's... my choice. You know? This... possessiveness, it's... frankly, it's a little upsetting, and more than a little jarring."

Cael Becker has posed:
    The frustration shows in Cael's features, and in a stiffening of her posture. She frowns at Jon for a moment - then turns her head away. "I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be controling. I am- God I'm trying not to be Jon, but you- You //didn't// hug her before! You didn't. She didn't call you 'Jonathan' and you didn't hug and- fuck, I want you to hug your friends. I do. If it was anyone else- //anyone.// Even the damned //vampire,// I wouldn't mind. Not like this. She's //wrong,// and seeing you- it makes my skin crawl, and maybe I can't tell you to stop being her friend," oh, but she wants to. It's clear that she wants to. "But the hugs- just until we figure this out. Please. I can't make you, but- it bothers me. I don't know what else to tell you."
    Bear nuzzles at Cael's leg - but without any of his anxious whining. Either he was only a little worried about her mood - of he was trying to remind her to give him more chicken. It's unclear.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon shakes his head. "No," he says simply. "No. You do not have to be around her. I won't force that, unless it's on a mission. But I will not promise not to hug her when you're not there, or not to give her at least one if you are. She's not hurting me. I can take your feelings into consideration, and I do, but--Cael, I /just/ said the possessiveness is jarring, and upsetting. I am supposed to give you space, and let you be away, and trust you'll come back. And I do that. I'm not going 'don't leave.' I'm letting you have your space, like I did yesterday."

    A deep breath in. A deep breath out. "But this... this isn't /okay/, Cael. You insisting I need to do something I don't want to do, just because it upsets you. You have done this for our entire relationship, and I cannot--I can take your feelings into account. I will, I can promise that much. But you have /got/ to take responsibilty for your own reactions. Because even if you're right, even if Rien's actually some horrible monster? I am choosing to hug the horrible monster, and you /cannot/ control that. And you have /got/ to learn to accept that, and either jump in the way and scream at me, and deal with the consequences, or sit in your discomfort. I mean--really, if it's /that/ bad? Really? Then pull me away, make a scene, /stand on what you believe/ and live with the outcome."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "And how would that not be taking away your choice, as well?" Cael asks. "I'd- I'd think that'd be even worse than- I mean. Making a scene, and telling you to stop, and dragging you away instead of just- just talking. And asking," she points out. "But- fine. Fine, I asked, and-" the answer's no. She runs her hand through her hair, then reaches down to scratch at Bear's head as the pup looks up at her.
    "You want another carrot?" she asks, feeding one to the dog, before turning back to her own food, taking another bite as she tries to move past the subject, and push her feelings aside.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Would you rather I agreed only to make you happy, and was resentful? And then we had a whole big argument about nothing, because I can't figure out how to express my frustration, because it's not your /fault/ that I did a thing I didn't want to do? None of that's good for us." Jon sighs. "But that's what's been going on. I make promises to keep you happy, and I resent the promises, and then I get mad, and then we fight, and then you just wind up hurt anyway. And that's just not good for anybody."

    A pause. "So... let me take your feelings, and mine, into consideration, and see how I feel about it, next time I see Rien. I'm listening to you. I'm hearing you. But I'm not making a promise, just now. Let me have my own time to process this. Fucking hell, Cael, you are telling me one of my /best friends/ isn't the way I remember her, and asking me to change my behavior toward her, with /no/ proof. And I'm... listening, and offering to help you find proof, but I need some /time/, okay?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    Those words ease some tension out of Cael's back, and a few tears streak down her cheeks as she nods her head in response. "Okay," she agrees. "Okay. That- helps. I- I know I'm being unreasonable. I know what you and Chas said makes a lot more sense - it's more logical. And- //God// I hope I'm wrong, Jon. I don't want to be right about any of this. And I don't mean to be as possessive as I've been since- I'm trying to get used to things, and adapt, because it seems like- even if there is a cure? When am I really going to have the time to devote to finding it?" she asks, letting out a sigh.
    "So I'm sorry. I am." She glances aside at Jon, then back down to Bear, to rub at the dog's head a little more.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I mean, you've always been a little possessive. Or maybe--hmm. You seem to personalize what happens to me. That if I get hurt, it's like you've been hurting. That my dying--even though you knew I was coming back--meant your world was over. I try to be--I know this is new. And you've gotten a lot better, so I bite my tongue more than I used to, because I understand, and I don't want to be cruel or uncaring. It's just--"

    Jon sighs, and reaches up to adjust his hat in lieu of running his hand through his hair. "I wish I could help, beyond telling you I can help find proof. I wish you didn't fret so much, and I wish I could soothe your worries, although I don't always know what they are. I can just tell that you /are/ worried. But I'm not going to force you to tell me."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "All of this is new to me," Cael admits quietly. "Having friends. Having a family. Being in love. Being... what I am now. I'm trying to learn, and to adjust, and- I don't want to hurt you. I don't mean to hurt you, and- hopefully, yeah, it's been getting a little bit better as I learn. As I adjust. I want to do better - I hope I have been doing better."
    She closes up her noodles, setting aside the fork as she leans in towards Jon, putting one arm around them. "You do help, you know," she says simply.
    She lapses into a silence for a few breaths before she asks simply, "You don't think you're //ever// going to die?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I don't know," Jon replies, quite simply. "I'm not... human anymore, Cael. I'm still /me/. I still have a soul, and my mind is still my own, but this body--the path I went through, it's meant for the Pharaoh to merge with Osiris, to continue on as Ra. I suppose I'm something like a fully realized /akh/, able to completely interact with the world."

    He reaches out to put one arm around Cael, and peers down at the fried rice held in the other. "This rice... it tastes good. It's filling enough, but I know I'll be hungry again by the time we're home. I need something I'm not getting. You fixing up the tea tray helps, but it's still... mmm." He shakes his head. "The point is just--I don't know if I /can/ die. I'm not exactly rushing to try it out, but I'm fairly certain I won't /age/ at least."

    A pause. "You don't get to just come back from your body being destroyed without consequences, Cael. I was never going to be exactly the same way I was before. Better, I think, that it's my body that changed and not my heart, my essence."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "The most important thing is that you are you," Cael agrees in a quiet voice. "I just- I didn't realize until you said-" She lets out a heavy sigh. "I wanted to go to the Field of Reeds, because- I thought we'd be together there. Eventually, so..." If they're not going to be...
    She reaches up with one hand to wipe at her eyes briefly, "So you think you can't die, but that you can be killed," she surmises.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I... think it would be very, /very/ hard to actually kill me," Jon says slowly. "I think it's likely that the main weakness would be my heart--I suspect I might regenerate most other damage. And I think, even if I /did/ get killed, I'd probably come back. How much I'd be /myself/ is... a fair question. It's not something i'm eager to test out."

    He pauses, and then suddenly smiles at her. "Is that why--oh, my love. My /love/. Where do you think the gods /live/? Not the in Field of Reeds, but rather adjacent. Do you think you'll go there and never see me again? Do you think--do you think the gods would have done that to us? Given us a few decades, instead of the length of time of an afterlife?"

    He squeezes her close. "I will be there, maybe not always, but quite often. And it won't bother you as much, when I'm /not/ there. Trust me--the thought of waiting for you and Agnes and Martin to die, it didn't bother me at all. I was patient. Time didn't mean anything the same. The dead don't think the same way the living do. That your dying hurt me as much as it did proves to me that I am /alive/. But I'm also the avatar of a goddess, and one of the goddesses of death, at least. I'll be able to go to you."

    They lean in to kiss the side of her head. "It's going to take more than death to separate us, alright?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    At Jon's words - a dam breaks within her, and tears well out of her eyes, too streak down her cheeks. "I- I didn't want to go there without you," she admits. "What would be the point?" Yes - Alis was there, and waiting. But it still felt... hollow. And incomplete.
    She reaches up with her free hand to wipe at her eyes as she adds, "I just- I want us to be together. I could wait awhile, but not forever..."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I have to wait," Jon says softly. "I... I've known for a while. I've been trying to... adjust. Some day, you'll be dead, and Martin, and Agnes. And... well, probably not Chas. Or Lydia. Or Rien. That's... that's part of why I cling to them, you know? You're going to die, someday, and I'll visit, and--and maybe it'll have been a century for me, but maybe five minutes for you. Or maybe it'll have been a millenia to you instead, but it won't /bother/ you. I'll see you, I'll be with you, but it won't--"

    They suddenly choke, and sob. "Th-that's why I couldn't... you dying, even if I /knew/ I'd see you again--it wasn't /fair/. I want you /here/, in the living world, firey and beautiful and--and /alive/. For as long as I can manage, as long as I can have you. D-do you think... do you think I'd really... not come see you as often as I could? I'll /miss/ you all, so terribly..."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael's arm tightens around Jon as she reminds him, "I don't know how these things work. You know that, right?" she asks him. And then with a breathy laugh she adds, "And you're shit at explaining them. I- I think maybe... maybe you know what you know so... securely that you can't even //see// what I don't know - in order to explain it. You know? And I- I don't know what to ask, or..." She lets out a sigh.
    "I thought- I mean, I know you were worried about outliving me. But I thought it was because you'd be harder to hurt now, or- because you might live a little longer, like fifty more years or something. I didn't- I mean, it's not like the other Avatars we knew were born more than a few decades ago, so-"
    Yup. She'd been running under the assumption that the rules were the same for all of them.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "The other avatars didn't really /merge/ with their gods," Jon notes. "I... did. I lost my body. I shouldn't have come back at all. I mean, I know for sure I'm not just a projecting of Ma'at's now--I got cut off from her power, after all--but what I /am/ appears to be... it's like I'm summoning myself from the Astral Plane, almost? I'm not certain. I should really do more research."

    A pause. "Or I could just ask Ma'at, but I think I'm afraid of the answer. I've been afraid I'm not still /me/. But--I am, you know? I'm me. More me than I've ever been, perhaps."

    They sigh. "I'm sorry--you're right in that I don't always... I don't know what you don't know. But, look--you can /ask/, okay? Sometimes I may not have an answer, but that doesn't make it bad to ask."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael listens, and nods, a faint frown on her features. "I just - you kept refering to it as being her avatar, so- I never stopped to consider it would be any different from the others," she explains. She lets out a sigh then adds, "Love... If I knew what I didn't know. If I knew what I was misunderstanding... I might not //need// to ask," she points out with a wry smile.
    She's silent for a moment before she adds, "And I suppose, after so many years... I'm still not used to having someone I can confide in, and be truly honest with."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I just mean... if you're hurting, if you're confused, then... talk to me. Maybe I can't fix it, but at least I know. And even if I don't know the answer--maybe it's a question I never really thought to ask. How many months have I just been eating and eating and not wondering /why/?"

    Jon smirks for a moment. "I didn't entirely consider that either, not until I started getting glimmers that I might last a lot longer than I thought. I'm still figuring things out, too." He leans over to rest his head against hers, letting the hat slip a bit.

    "I'm worried about you," they admit softly. "About the Old Ones. I'm telling myself you're strong enough to handle it, but--I'm worried. So if--look, even if something hurts me, say it, if you need to, if you think it'll help you handle things. Gods know I've said enough things that hurt you. But we get through it, every time. We haven't had a /really/ nasty fight, I don't think. Not /really/. So I just mean--I know you're still getting used to it, and I'll be patient, just... remember that I'm here. Okay?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Like I said - I'm not used to having someone to convide it. But that's part of what we're supposed to be for each other - isn't it?" Cael asks quietly. She lifts her hand to wipe at her eyes, and gives a small not of her head. "I'll try. I'll work on it."
    She pulls away enough to turn towards Jon's face, adding, "We got through Michael together. We'll get through this together. Alright? I'll be okay in the end. You'll be okay in the end." She gives Jon a kiss, before tucking herself in against them once more. "//We'll// be okay in the end - because I'm not alone, and I'm not letting that go."