12590/A Light in the Storm

A Light in the Storm
Date of Scene:	27 August 2022
Location:	105 W 29th - Jon and Cael's Apartment
Synopsis:	Jon manages to get Cael to articulate her troubles, despite her pain and confusion, and they somehow guide each other to more solid ground in the midst of the storm.
Cast of Characters:	Cael Becker, Jonathan Sims

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Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael is damp from a shower - having recently returned from the complex's gym, where she put the treadmill through its paces. Now, she's sitting on the couch, with a glass of whiskey in one hand, the bottle on the table next to the couch, and a dog half crawled into her lap, and leaning into her chest. She strokes Bear periodically, staring out over New York City's cityscape, while Marc Anthony plays at a nearly uncomfortable volume. Someone, it seems, is clearly in A Mood.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    The front door opens onto the Velvet Room, and Jon comes through, wobbling just a little. "Cael? I'm home." His voice is wobbly, too. He winces at the sound of the music, putting up his hands to cover his ears as he makes his way toward the living room.

    Weaves his way, really. Looks like he found a way to get drunk off of /something/ in the Velvet Room.

    He plops down next to her on the couch and raises his voice. "Can you turn that down? Or are we just listening to really loud salsa?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Computer. Volume 4," Cael calls out - in a voice loud enough to cut through the music. As soon as she does - there's a beep in confirmation from somewhere in the apartment, and the volume decreases dramatically.
    "We talk to technology nowaday, Jon, and it does what we ask," she remarks in a dry tone - before leaning into their presence, pressing her shoulder into theirs. She takes a deep breath in - getting a whiff of Jon's scent, with tell-tale hints of alcohol before she asks, "You okay, love?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Talked to Lydia," Jon replies, as if that's enough answer to Cael's question. "Didn't go as bad as I thought, but... mmm. Brought everything up again, y'know? Dunno if I got through to her. Hope so."

    They lean in to rest their head on Cael's shoulder, sighing. "Why're you sitting with Bear--h'lo, Bear--and very loud music? The 'computer' is not a real person, Cael. It is, therefore, not company. Also, I am a magus and therefore honorbound not to use any of this newfangled technology."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Never said it was company. Bear's company - he's a good boy." Bear thumps his tail happily at being acknowledged - licking at Jon's arm, before turning his attention back to Cael, nuzzling his head back into her chest.
    "I'd offer you some of my whiskey, but it seems like you already got that covered," Cael remarks in a dry tone. "...what do you need, love?" she asks instead.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Not sure," Jon murmurs, eyes a bit distant. "People keep asking that, and I dunno how to respond. Aside from 'quit making me responsible for everyone's bloody emotional health.' I /retired/ as a psychiatrist. The only people I should be responsible for are you and Agnes. And Martin, whenever he comes home." He lets out a wistful sigh.

    "But y'know, evidently I'm the... 'people person' or whatever, so here we are." They frown. "Tried t'tell Lydia she needed to accept her Shadow self to deal with Viscera, but she's all 'ohhh I'm not as strong as you.' Bollocks. Like I'm all that strong. Look at me. You're the strong one around here. Dealing with your shit, without having to literally go through Hell." A pause, to chuckle. "I offered doors to Hell if she wanted, y'know. But then she was like 'well do /you/ want me to go there' and no I bloody well don't, that wasn't the..."

    He sighs. "Sorry. I'm babbling." Another pause. "You're not okay. What's up, love?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    There's a huff of air from Cael as Jon calls //her// the strong one.
    She very much doubts that.
    She turns her head towards Jon, resting her forehead and cheek against them, and draping one arm around Jon - while her other hand still holds her whiskey. She breathes in their scent again - listening to Jon ramble about their encounter with Lydia - before she's abruptly blinking away tears at their direct question.
    "It's not important. It's- it'll go away on its own, I'm sure." Will it, though?

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Don't lie," Jon murmurs. "You know I hate lying. It's /something/, or you wouldn't be sitting here listening to Marc Anthony loud enough to hurt your eardrums with Bear in your lap."

    A pause. Then, morosely, "...Or am I really /that/ bad at reading people? I don't think I am. I don't... /think/ that's the problem..." His brow furrows for a moment, his tone sounding terribly unsure.

    Then they shake their head and look up at Cael. "Is it really nothing and unimportant? Or are you just saying that because you think you have to focus on me a hundred percent right now?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    Judging by the way Cael clings to Jon with that one arm, while her breathing grows raggid, he's probably not that bad as reading people - even when drunk. Bear backs this up by whining, and licking at Cael's chin, as she tries to turn her face away from the dog.
    "I just don't want to talk about it," she finally offers. "I got into it with Chas, but I- I don't want to talk about it."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Lydia said you punched her. Did you punch Chas, too?" Jon sounds vaguely amused, but he reaches his arm around to wrap it around Cael, and strokes her shoulder gently. "It's okay if you did. I wouldn't blame you."

    He sighs, and shifts a bit so Cael can lean on his shoulder instead of him leaning on hers. "Won't force you to talk if you don't want to, but I can't help if I don't know what's wrong. I mean. I can guess, but guessing would be talking about it too, and--" He sighs. "Look, never mind. It's fine. Tell me when you're ready."

    A pause. Then, "I tried to step down from leading the JLD. Rien and Chas won't let me. Say I'm better with people than they are. Still not sure they're right. I mean--I have a pretty shitty track record, you know?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Yes," Cael admits quietly. "He fuckin' deserved it. Shouldda done worse." A distinct edge of anger creeps into her voice - even though she never raises her voice. She could've done worst. She could've torn him to shreds...
    But some of the tension in her posture seems to ease, just slightly, when Jon relents and changes the subject. "I- I think it'd be a mistake to officially step down right now, love. If you need a break from the responsibilities for a while... that's one thing. But making decisions when you're hurting... You know?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Why does everyone keep saying that? I don't need a break. I /had/ a break. A ten-year break." Jon shakes his head. "And I came back and everything was... the same. Everyone's at odds, people are giving in to the Fears..." He reaches up to rub at his face. "I'm starting to wonder if the way we beat them is by kicking people out who just can't cut it. Maybe we need to be more selective about our members? I dunno."

    He pulls Cael in a bit closer. "We could both quit, y'know," he murmurs. "Just... I dunno, take Agnes, go dimension-hopping. Find Martin. Fix the universe on our own. Quit worrying about other people." He sighs. He doesn't mean it. He's got too much of a sense of obligation to mean it. But it sounds nice.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Because you were assaulted, Jon - and it's okay if you need a break after that," Cael asserts.
    "And it's okay if you don't. I'm just saying - I don't think you should make big decisions yet. That's all."
    At the thought of them galavanting across the known universe, Cael's expression flickers with a brief smile, as she remains tucked in against them. "I thought you didn't want her to be a super hero yet?" she points out dryly. "I, uh- I'm with you, always. You know that. But... if it's me and you against all of realities problems... Better hope you're strong enough to beat it all without a team, because I'm not really in your weight class - your Royal Godliness."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon shrugs. "I'm evidently a lot better at all of that than... team-building, or helping people, or... whatever. I made it through Hell on my own, traveled back home through the Astral. Fought a mi-go. Hell, y'know, I defeated Michael and in terms of /fighting/ the Fears I've been doing fine. But, I mean... you saw, the other night. Mercy doesn't trust me. Lydia can't face up to the best way to defeat Viscera. Now Megan Gwynn has the bloody Mother of Puppets in her head, evidently, and I just..."

    He sighs, and leans against the back of the couch, to stare at the ceiling. "The team's falling apart, and I don't know what to do. I really don't. I want to go do things I'm /good/ at. I'm bad at people. I was a /shit/ psychiatrist. I've been alone most of my life, most of my friends betray me, I'm /clearly/ a terrible judge of character..." He stops, and squeezes his eyes shut.

    "Sorry. S'not helpful." He clears his throat. "Umm. D'you mind at least telling me what Chas did to deserve being punched? I know what Lydia did. And I appreciate that, by the way."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "You were good for me," Cael answers Jon. "You //are// good for me. You- our calls, when I was in Hawaii? I needed that. I- might only be here because of you. I won't ever forget that, and you shouldn't, either."
    As the conversation veers back towards Chas - tension returns to Cael's form, and her arm tightens around Jon. She's silent for a while - probably long enough that a reasonable person might think she doesn't intend to answer at all.
    But sometimes Cael needs a long silence before she speaks, especially when it's something hard, and judging by the continued tension in her form - she's still thinking over whatever it was that set her off.
    "We argued about Lydia," she finally offeres quietly. "He, uhh... seemed to think I don't have your best interests at heart."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Yes, my /one/ success story, and the only reason I'm not violating ethics rules with our relationship is that we're both ace," Jon grumbles. "I love you dearly, but you're kind of the exception that proves the rule. I couldn't keep a professional distance from my patients, and it hurt more than one of them, I'm sure. I know I helped you--and I maintain it was worth everything I went through, to do that. But that doesn't make me good at my job."

    He pulls away a little, then, to frown down at Cael. "What's there to argue about, with Lydia? He dragged her back to make amends instead of running away from her responsibilities. Which I'd sort of asked him to do."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael's breath catches in her throat for a moment as Jon's question, and she doesn't exactly make it easy for them to get a good look at her - as she continues to hold tight to them, turning her face in towards Jon and burying it against their form. "I- He-"
    Cael isn'tt he most poetic of souls, but she seems almost inarticulate, as she lapses into another silence, to try to hold her thoughts together long enough to form a coherent sentence, while Bear nuzzles her in concern, and licks at her neck. "I just- It's one thing to confront her. It's- it's something else to- to have to face her, and work with her, time and again, it's only been two weeks, and I- I only asked him why. And he was a complete dick about it."
    The pain and confusion in her voice is replaced with a hot anger on her last words. True to form, anger is the response of choice for the blonde-haired woman.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon frowns at Cael. "...Who said I was going to have a problem with dealing with her regularly? Or was going to have to at all? How do you know whether or not I can handle being around Lydia? /I/ didn't know if I could handle being around Lydia. Which... I can, for the most part, although I told her I might have problems from time to time. But her aura's completely different now, it doesn't trigger flashbacks, being around her, or anything."

    He frowns down at her. "Are you projecting your feelings onto me?" He's able, mostly, to keep the irritation out of his tone. "Because... if you are... then Chas might've had a point. If you're assuming I'm going to react to this the way you would, that's not fair, or helpful. Chas brought Lydia back in part because I /asked/ him to. If you honestly think I'm not ready, then why not come to me about that?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    Whatever Cael expected from Jon - it wasn't this, and her arms tightens around them in response to their words - before abruptly loosening, as she shifts some of her away from her boyfriend, as if she isn't quite sure if she should cling to them all the tighter, or pull away.
    "I- I-..." There's no coherent response from Cael this time as she cries, her rate of breathing increasing until she's practically hyperventilating, while Bear continues to whine at her, licking an nuzzling for her attention.
    That at least solves one of her dilemmas, as she lets the glass she was still holding tumble to the floor, and pulls away from Jon to bury herself against Bear instead, hugging the dog tightly.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon sighs, and reaches out to place a hand on Cael's back, gently. "You tend to look at people hurting, and think about how you've been hurt," he says softly. "And that's a natural reaction, but it's often not really helpful. It re-traumatizes you, and it keeps you from being able to truly help whoever's hurt. It doesn't let you center them. That's part of what the clinical detachment of a therapist is about. As much as I identified with my patients, if I sat there and focused on how much what they went through reminded me of my own pain, I'd never be able to help."

    A pause. "And that's why you can't be a therapist to your friends, or your family. Because watching them hurt, hurts you. Because you can't so easily stop the natural reactions." He sighs, and rubs at Cael's back, frowning thoughtfully.

    "I don't know what Chas said, exactly, and that's not... really the point, right now. I can talk to him--or you can--later. Right now... have you talked to Caldwell about how you feel about what Lydia did to me? Have you talked to /anyone/?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "A little," Cael mumbles. "Last week." She's been doing well - so her number of sessions has decreased dramatically. And - it has only been two and a half weeks. She's still crying, though the change in Jon's tone, and the hand on her back seems to take the desperate edge off her sobs. She stays buried against Bear's patient, stalward presence, though.
    "I just- I just wanted to ask-" She doesn't seem to know how to articulate the rest of her thought, however, as she shakes her head rather than ontinuing.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon closes his eyes, trying to focus through the haze that the Velvet Room's mead--not as good as Asgardian, but pretty strong--put in his mind. "I'm not mad," he says softly. "It's something I was trained to do. When you, umm--when we rescued you from Michael, and you attacked me? I've been mind controlled into hurting a friend. I understood what you were going through. But I didn't focus on that, except to recognize that... that it really, /really/ wasn't your fault. That it wasn't you. That it was Michael, using you to hurt me."

    He opens his eyes, brow furrowed as he tries to concentrate. "And... and that's hard, to put aside. I get that. So I'm not mad," he repeats. "It's just--the same problem we talked about earlier. Nobody else knows how to do that. As bad as I am at it, I guess I'm the best in our group." He sighs.

    "Look, why don't you--just tell me what you wanted to ask him. I'm not judging. I'm not upset. Just... tell me. Okay? If you can."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael nods in response to Jon's request - but she doesn't speak. Not for a long while, as she cries, and hugs Bear, and tries to concentrate on her breathing, struggling to get her emotions under control, and to quiet her desperately whirling mind. Little by little, she moves back towards Jon - first simply tilting her head towards them, but eventually she starts to let go of Bear, so she can lean in against Jon's shoulder again, instead. "Good boy," she murmurs to the dog, scratching his shoulder, as tears still streak down her cheek.
    "I, umm... I punched Lydia. And then when I left, I just- I started to lose it. I was- I didn't have Bear with me, so I- I went to the velvet room. To- to the garden. Chas found me, and I just-" Her breathing starts to pick up again, but she tightens her arm around Jon, and digs her fingers into Bear's fur, trying to ground herself. "I was mad," she admits. "So... fucking pissed. I just- I couldn't understand why he would- why he would want her back. Why any of us would want her... back. I can't-" She shakes her head, not sure what else to say.

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "Because to some degree, the thing that hurt me is /gone/, Cael," Jon says softly. "I'm mad at Lydia for letting it take her over, and I /really/ need her to work out her shit, but... but she's apologetic. Profusely so. She wants to change. How can I deny her that chance? And anyway, I don't--I don't /want/ to be mad at her. I don't /want/ this to come between us. I want my friend back." He sniffles, blinking as tears start to fall.

    "The world we live in, we can't just kick people out because they make a mistake. People fuck up. Do we want to just deny them a chance to atone? To make things right? If Lydia--if she wasn't trying /so hard/ to do better, I'd have gone to Chas and told him to cut her loose, and I think he would've agreed. But Chas is just trying to make sure she fixes what she fucked up, and keep the team together. Because--because I /begged/ him to. Because my team is falling apart and I--this... this isn't what I came back for. This isn't... I tried /so hard/ to get home, and to have it all just fall apart again, I can't--"

    He stops. Deep breaths. He's almost hyperventilating, himself.

    More calmly, though still a bit shakily, "You and Chas need to deal with the problems between you, I think. When you're ready, but--I keep forgetting it's only been a few months for you, not ten years. It all seems so long ago, to me. Because that's the problem, isn't it? It's not Lydia, really. It's Chas. You're still--you haven't really confronted him, when you've been able to be in a room with him without panicking. And you still--you still look at him, and see what /Michael/ did to you. Which isn't... I'm not mad at you for that, it just... is."

Cael Becker has posed:
    How can Jon want her back? How can Jon genuinely be okay with-
    She and Jon were friends //before// this happened. Is that how...? And Cael never really knew Chas.
    Cael holds tightly to Jon, burying her face against him as she takes her own deep, slow breaths. "I just- I'm so angry at them both, right now. I want to set them on fire. I want to fucking burn them. I want to- to tear them to shreds. And I just-"
    Tears streak down her cheeks, wetting Jon's shirt. "It's the same damned thing, you know? They both- both let in some strange power they didn't really understand. They //let// it in - and we got hurt. And I just- I just- I keep thinking, 'Of course Chas wants to let her back in.' 'cuz they did the same thing..."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "The difference is that Chas honestly thought what came to him would /help/. That's the part--imagine if you asked one of the Avengers for help, say. Someone you look up to, someone you trust to do the right thing. And then they used you to hurt people. To kill people. Would that be your fault? Maybe to a degree, yeah. But if you'd asked Captain America or Iron Man to come help 'clean up' your neighborhood, and then they started killing people, and you didn't know?"

    Jon sighs. "That's the part you've never understood, with Chas, and I think he might need to try to explain. He thought he was calling on the good guys. He should've known better, but also? He'd just been mind controlled by a demon, and he was terrified of it hurting his daughter, so he reached out for help. Michael took advantage of him. Michael invaded his mind, used him to kill people, then stuck him on a door and made him watch while his friends got hurt, and killed, trying to clean up the mess."

    They take a slow, deep breath. "Lydia... knew the Beast was dangerous. She /knew/ she should fight it, and she gave into it in a moment of weakness. And not to protect her child, or anyone else. To save /herself/. If she wasn't contrite, if she wasn't trying to atone, I don't think Chas would have much use for her." A beat. "But also--that /is/ part of why Chas isn't letting her run away. He tried to do the same damn thing, you know. He tried to stay away from the JLD, instead of fixing the shit he fucked up. So all he's doing with Lydia is the same thing I did with him. Not letting her run away from the consequences of her actions. So all he's doing is what /I/ taught him to do. Trying to force her to buck up and make things right."

    He sighs. "But maybe it's about time he started fixing some of the mess he made, hmm? With you, I mean."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael nods silently, not sure what to say for a moment - but finally she breathes out quietly, "I thought I was doing better. I thought- I thought I was alright. I just- I hurt so //much.// I'm so angry. And I tried- I tried to talk to him, and he-"
    This time, it's Bear Cael turns away from, so she can hug Jon tightly with both arms, burying her face against them. "Why do you think I'm the strong one? I'm not. How can this still hurt //so much//?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "You faced Michael, in the end," Jon murmurs. "More than once. I couldn't face Lydia's Beast. I had to let Ma'at take over." He wraps his arms more tightly around her, stroking her back gently. "You're still here, you're not trying to--to run away, like I am. I mean, listen to me, whinging on about how bad I am at things, instead of just trying to get better." He shakes his head.

    "What'd he say, love? Can you tell me? Or should I leave that for whenever I sit you two down so you can talk?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I don't run away," Cael murmurs quietly. "I attack. I get mad." Is that strength? She's not sure.
    What she is sure of is how much she needs Jon's support, and Bear's steadfast presence. How much more of a mess would she be without them? "I love you," she murmurs. For words that had once terrified her so much - they've now become a reassuring mantra, helping ground her in the present.
    She is safe, and loved, at home with Jon. No matter where they are - as long as they're together...
    "He, umm... Like I said. He acted like I didn't have your best interests in heart. Like- I don't know. Like I didn't even have the right to ask something like that. Like- He was acting like I was hurting you, like I was- letting the Fears win, like I- I was putting the team at risk. Like I didn't have the right- the right to //hurt// or-"
    Her fingers are balled into fists, wrinkling up Jon's shirt in her grasp. "It was a fucking //question.// He didn't have to be such a raging cock about it."
    There's a brief pause before she lets out a huff of air that could either be a sob or a laugh - it's hard to tell until she adds, "I mean. We had enough of that. Yeah?"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon laughs, whole-heartedly, at the joke. "Yes. Yes, I think we've had /quite/ enough of that." He sighs, and runs his fingers through Cael's hair. "I suspect maybe he's feeling a little defensive. He probably feels like he let me down, and he's trying to fix it, and then you come right at him angry for what I'd asked him to do."

    He shakes his head. "I'm going to have to sit you two down to have a talk. Soon. You both need to express yourselves, and try to work through some things. Because you both have a point. You /were/ projecting your pain onto me, and if Chas did what you asked, that /would/ hurt me. But the thing you're actually hurting about? You have every right to be in pain, about that."

    They sigh. "I sorry I didn't work on this earlier. Before I left, I was a wreck, and then, well--like I said. It was ten years ago, for me." A pause. "What d'you need? Right now, I mean."

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael shakes her head at Jon, clarifying what she'd said. "I asked him //why,// Jon. I only ever asked him why. I never- I didn't say to get rid of her. I just- I said I didn't understand, and it worried me, and he-" She lets out a sob, rather than repeating how she'd felt treated by Chas. "He's fucking shit stain," she mutters.
    ...she's probably not ready for that talk yet.
    As for what she needs? She clutches to Jon, trying to make sense of her thoughts. "I... I don't know. I need you. I need you to hold me, and promise it'll get better again. I don't want to hurt like this..."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon sighs. "You're going to have to let go of some of that anger, if you don't want to hurt anymore, Cael. That's why I'm suggesting you talk. You don't understand each other, and you're angry with him, and holding onto that anger that helps you feel safe... it also holds onto the pain. I don't mean right this minute, I just mean eventually. Staying angry doesn't fix anything. It just lets the wound fester. Anger... anger should drive you to /change/ something, not sit there and weigh you down."

    They sound oddly tired. "It'll get better. I'm sorry this hurt you so much. I wish I knew how to help, without..." Another sigh. "I could... I could let you /feel/ my love, in your head and your heart, but that scares you, someone being in your head, so I can't--" They make a frustrated sound. "I just don't... have the words right now. I'm so..." They close their eyes, and shake their head, trying to push away that frustration.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "I trust you," Cael murmurs - three simple words, quietly spoken but with a subtle, underlying passion to them as she continues to cling to Jon. "I only trust you."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon hesitates, for a moment, then very gently reaches up to run his fingers along Cael's scalp, the way she often does for him. He pushes a little bit of power into that, but only a little, like a very, /very/ gentle caress along her mind. And assuming Cael doesn't panic at that--because she's felt something similar before, after all--Jon sort of... projects his mind into hers, thoughts and emotions.

    It's meant to feel something like slipping into a warm bath, soothing and comforting, but there's spiky bits of frustration and resentment and anger mixed in with his love for her. He can't very well hold back the rest of his emotional state--even if he knew how, being Ma'at's avatar probably wouldn't let him. So Cael can sense a staggering depth of love--deep as an ocean, enough that he'd tear down the universe without a second thought for her sake. But also pain, and loneliness, and frustration, and resentment, like jagged rocks beneath the waves.

    Despair hangs over everything like heavy clouds, despair he's been striving to fight off. In bright moments he can see clear to--yes, things will be better. Yes, they can win. Yes, they /will/ win, because if they weren't going to win, why would the Old Ones be fighting them so hard? Something he's been saying to people, over and over. We're going to win. We're going to win.

    Unless, of course, their enemy's tactic is working. Fear races through his mental landscape for a moment, like a hurricane lashing through--what if he's wrong, what if he's fucking everything up, what if they lose, what if it's his fault--and he pushes it away, shoves it in a corner, tries to focus on projecting love. It's okay. It's going to be okay. He's going to make it be okay, because Cael needs it to be okay, so by the gods, /it's going to be okay/.

Cael Becker has posed:
    Her hand do tighten on Jon's shirt at that gentle nudge at her mind - and her breath catches in her throat for a moment - but she doesn't panic, or shove herself away from Jon, or demand that they stop. Instead, her grip loosens after a moment.
    She trusts Jon.
    The scope of Jon's emotions are momentarily overwhelming - from the depth of their love, and their concern for her - to the lonliness, fear, and depression that assail them. She clings to them until she can make sense of it all - slowly relaxed in their love for her, even as she murmurs in a quiet voice, "I'm always with you. My thoughts are always with you. We're- neither of us alone."
    She sniffles as she adds, "I love you. I've never loved anyone... like I've loved you."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "I know," Jon murmurs. And he can feel that, at least to whatever degree Cael is willing to let him. Because he's not rooting around in her mind in the way Michael did--there's a definite sense of trepidation, and it's not /new/, that Jon is pretty much constantly worried about hurting Cael or overwhelming her or just entirely unbalancing their relationship.

    But he relaxes, as Cael does too, and then suddenly starts to cry in earnest.

    "I don't know if I can do this." The emotions are there, of course, and the words are an echo of thoughts Cael can /hear/, but sometimes you just need to... voice things. "I mean--I just spent a good hour trying to talk Lydia through... I don't know, self-discovery? And she wants me to /judge/ her, and she won't--she keeps asking for my opinion, she's begging me to punish her, and I just--I can't. I can't do everything, and all of the--the emotional burden is on me, and--"

    And he's sort of furious with Chas, for making things /worse/ with Cael. Not even as Cael's boyfriend--as a /leader/. He's going to have to fix this whole damn thing, because Chas can't think to be /professional/. And there's a definite sense of 'again.' He's going to have to fix it /again/. He's going to have to step in to help deal with an interpersonal problem, an emotional problem, /again/, and the only thing that really keeps him from throwing his hands in the air and walking away is that it's /Cael/.

    But he's really, really, /really/ tired of people acting like children half the time.

    He sniffles. "Sorry. Umm. Sorry. I just... we'll fix this, okay? I'll help you. It'll be okay. Somehow." He keeps massaging Cael's scalp, gently, then sniffles again.

    "Oh! Umm... here." Now he's nervous. But he laughs, a little, and holds out his left wrist, to show Cael the tattoo of a blue butterfly on the inside of his wrist. "I... I got this today. I wanted to... I dunno, I just... I wanted something that... that's /you/. Us. You know?"

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Yeah, well... she can fuck off," Cael answers simply. "She either needs to grow up, or- or find someone else to- she has //no right// to ask that of //you.// But we'll... we'll get through this. We can get through anything, together." She wipes at her eyes - trying to dry them, then lets out a quiet laugh. "We're gonna have to wash this shirt. I made a mess of it."
    Little by little, though, she seems to be regaining her sense of balance. As the the butterfly tattoo is shown to her, she responds with a low, "ohhh..." before cupping the back of Jon's hand in hers, so she can lift his left wrist to her lips for a kiss. "Yeah. I know. I- it's beautiful. Thank you... Mariposa."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    "First tattoo I ever got," Jon says. "I, umm." He laughs. "The whole time I was sitting there, willing my body to let it happen. The gods can get tattoos. I'm /Egyptian/, damn it. Seems to have worked." He smiles at her, eyes crinkling a bit with the brightness of it.

    And the truth is, Jon got the tattoo for the same reason he still wears his wedding ring. A tangible reminder of his love for Cael. Which brings up his love for Martin, and there's a difference--not in depth. The depths of Jon's love is fairly equal across friends and family both. He fought Heaven and changed the plumbing of the universe to get Chas back, after all. He'd do the same for Cael, for Martin, for Agnes, for Annabelle. That's just how Jon loves.

    But he /needs/ Cael, and Martin, and not having Martin is like a hole in his heart. Martin is stability, the ground beneath his feet. Shelter from the storms that sweep over him. Martin would know the words to soothe the pain, dispel the clouds of despair, at least for a little while. Martin is /excellent/ at comforting Jon. Too good at it, maybe--he's so liable to keep Jon /calm/ that sometimes he almost stifles his husband.

    Which is where Cael comes in, because if Martin is a rock to cling to in a storm, Cael is a lighthouse that guides him through the darkness. A spark that ignites him to get moving, to want to do better. Something he'd been missing for years, but the image branded in his mind is her standing over him during that first battle with the angels, holding her gun and preparing to take on Michael while Jon's ribs were broken, her aura firey in her determination. If Jon's supposed to chart the course for the group, like Chas and Rien told him the other day, Cael is the guiding star he'll use to find his way. He really does think she's usually right. He /listens/ to her, even when he doesn't seem to. He takes everything she says to heart. He believes she sees more /truth/ than he does.

    Ahh, there it is. If Martin is Balance, then Cael is /Truth/, to Jon. Which is... well, a lot, given who and what he is.

Cael Becker has posed:
    "And you have a bunch more planned, do you?" Cael counters. If she's joking again, she must be more herself again - as she takes the wrist she just kissed, and holds it to her chest instead, her fingers running over the wedding band on Jon's finger.
    "He will come back," she says for Jon's benefit. "And when he does your family- ...our family'll be complete again. Yeah?"
    She takes a deep breath in, and lets it out slowly, before repositioning herself so her ear is pressed to Jon's chest. "Sing something for me?" she asks. "Anything."

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    The sob that Jon breaks into is almost a wail, muffled only because Jon stuffs his right fist into his mouth. For a moment, he can't grant Cael's request, because he's sobbing too hard, much more loudly than he ever usually does. He misses Martin. He misses Martin so much it's like a physical pain. He wants, more than anything, to take Cael and Agnes and go to Nilaa and /see his husband/. And he can't, because he has duties, and responsibilities, and it /hurts/.

    That's what he needs. Every time someone asks him what he needs and he says 'I don't know'--it's not quite a lie. He doesn't know what he needs that they can /give/. What he needs is in another dimension, trying to find his father. He needs Martin.

    He wraps Cael up for a moment, pulling her as close as she'll allow, burying his face in her hair and sobbing, and sobbing. It's only when he's run out of tears that he lets Cael go enough to let her rest back on his chest, while he takes shuddering breaths, and tries to think. A song? The first song that comes to mind is one Cael's never heard him sing, but he goes ahead anyway.

Words like violence break the silence
Come crashing in into my little world
Painful to me, pierce right through me
Can't you understand? Oh, my little girl.
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm...

    It's Martin's favorite song, see. So it's almost, /almost/ like having him here.

Cael Becker has posed:
    Cael let's Jon cry, trying to calm them by gently running her fingers through their hair, or giving little kisses as they hold one another - but she knows as well as any that sometimes tears just take time.
    She's happy to settle back into their arms, though, listening to Jon's voice as it rumbles in their chest - that last knot of tension and anxiety slowly easing.
    There's a part of her that wishes the lyrics were true. That she was all Jon needed - but it's a selfish wish, she knows. Jon needed more - and she has to share. She's known that since day one.
    "God. Telling him we have a cat now'll be the easy part. We're going to have to tell him that he's sharing his husband with a //werewolf.//"

Jonathan Sims has posed:
    Jon reaches up to massage Cael's scalp again, as he finishes out the song. Then he chuckles at what she says. "If it's any consolation, love... I think it hurts him sometimes, that he's not all I need, either. He's known for a while, I just hadn't found anyone. But he had time to adjust."

    A beat, and then he chuckles again. "That reminds me... I hope to have a present for you. Probably not this full moon, but maybe the next. I, umm. I think I figured out how to shapeshift. I just have to... practice doing it. And a bird would be easier, first."

    He sighs. "But if you want... this full moon, at least, if I can figure it out? I could fly with you while you're out hunting."

Cael Becker has posed:
    "Well see how it goes, love," Cael answers Jon, turning her head towards Jon's fingers. "I would like that. But... my first priority is getting Hannah through her change, and then... we hunt." There's a small smile on her lips as she adds, "I would like having you there, though. There's no part of my life I wouldn't share with you."