11854/Wonderland: Murder on Disorient Express

Wonderland: Murder on Disorient Express
Date of Scene:	02 July 2022
Location:	Aboard the Wonderland/Looking-Glass Bullet Train
Synopsis:	Rien learns the cardinal rule of any Wonderland Detective: Logic is the first to be murdered.
Cast of Characters:	Iason, Rien D'Arqueness, Terry O'Neil, Inez Temple

---

Iason has posed:
"I figured that, this way, you would be able to see... well. What's my damage, so to speak," Terry smirks.

He is not the Cheshire Cat right now for several reasons, but the most important of them is that he can't be it in Wonderland right now, or The Jabberwock will find him and eat him.

You know, the usual.

The human redhead leads Rien through the shadowy paths of Tulgey Wood towards a clearing which, bizarrely enough, seems to have a train stop in the middle of it. The tracks seem to come from, and vanish into, the thick trees of the woods, barely enough space between the trunks to account for the body of a train.

Rien D'Arqueness has posed:
"I appreciate the insight, Terry. It's good to know where people come from, who they are, and Wonderland is a big part of you." Rien offers a smile towards him as they walk. She's been looking here and there, curious to see how the world matches up to the stories she's read. Never as a child, that would not have been tolerated when she was growing up. Rien got to discover Lewis Carroll on her own as an adult. It's complicated.

She looks back to him, "So let me ask... I'm... not sure how one of my kind will react to the chaos of Wonderland. Have you had mutants here before?" A world filled with chaos magic is going to do strange things, interact with people in strange ways, presumably.

Then they reach the station and she chuckles, "Very British. How proper."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"Oh, I don't think so- but it shouldn't be too much of an issue. Unless you are aligned to Order or Holy magic like Jon is... in which case, if you get anything magical from here on you... well. It'd be the same as if a telepath had gone into my mind. You'd trip balls for a few hours. Probably."

The station is deserted, but the time tables indicate that a train is coming soon.

They literally say that, that a train is coming soon, with no stated time.

"Now, the important thing to remember here is that we'll be steering clear from any known haunts of the... the Jabberwock," he says that quietly, "but that should still give you a good glance. This train should take us to one of the biggest cities- Whitehall in Looking-Glass Land. Normally we'd have to travel quite a ways, but I heard from Queen Amy- that's the new Queen of Hearts that Harley Quinn abdicated in favor for- long story- that there's this new, speedier train service that takes you from the border of Wonderland and across a ton of squares in Looking-Glass la-"

!BANG!

The sound is the unmistakable report of a high caliber gun of some sorts. Before Terry has had a chance to whirl around, a train materializes at the stop at a prodigious speed. Black powder settles on the tracks in billowy shapes as it comes to a full stop.

The ticket-taker, a goat with a quite spiffy uniform, bleats out:

"Bullet Train to Whitehall! All aboooooard!"

The redhead shrugs his shoulders and grins at Rien, "Let's see if we can get a seat near the dining cart."

"There's no dining cart heeeeere young man," the goat says, "That's the bull-eat train,"
"What do they serve there?"
"Why, burgers, of course."

"And what do vegetarians take, then?"
"The turnip truck," The goat points to another, smaller stop. A rather enormous turnip, with wheels, is parked by it.

Terry rolls his eyes and goes in with Rien.

The seating inside is rather posh, decidedly last century and roomier than your modern trains, "Well, at least this is nice!"

Rien D'Arqueness has posed:
"That would be interesting... I've never even been drunk, so I have absolutely no frame of reference for what that would do." Rien considers the possibility for a moment then shakes her head, "But I'm afraid not. My magic is unaffiliated, just... cosmic." She lifts a small shrug and offers, "But my magic isn't because I'm a mutant. That's... a whole separate thing. Which is why I was curious if Wonderland would have an effect on mutants that it doesn't have on normal magi or people." She lifts a small shrug, "But we'll find out, I expect."

She glances to the time table, then chuckles and shakes her head over it. Looking back to Terry, Rien smiles, "Understandable, under the circumstances. I'm not looking to visit anywhere specific, so wherever is safest for you is fine. Now that I've been here, if I want to explore further, I can return on my own." There's a wince when the shot rings out, Rien's hands coming up to cover her ears as the sound pierces straight through. It's enough to stun her for a moment, shaking her head as she waits for her healing to kick in and return her hearing to her.

Then she's looking to Terry, to the goat, back to Terry. The back and forth is enough to make her groan even as she smiles. "Oh Gods, it's a land of dad jokes. Alright. I can survive this." She looks to the ticket-taker, "Is there a club car?" Because surely -that- will be an itneresting answer.

She steps onto the train with Terry and glances around, giving a nod, "Very nice. I feel a little underdressed suddenly." There's a quick smile, "Think we would get in trouble if we provide our own food?"

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"There is," the ticket-taker answers Rien as they get on, and he gestures to the adjoining car. He glances at Rien, and shakes his head, "But you've got the wrong suit." He points to a sign by the door that reads 'Proper Suits Only'. Through the glass of the door Rien is able to see a great number of Card soldiers drinking and leaning on the bar. They are all clubs, by the markings on their flat bodies.

"I think it should probably be alright, I don't see what the harm could b-"

!BANG!

Terry's stomach falls all the way to the bottom of his feet, and it is a marvel that they are not all propelled right out of their seats as the train takes off without warning. The world is a blur through the windows, and it is a pity for they cannot see much of the sights and sounds of Looking-Glass Land, except a green blur for the Tulgey Woods, and then a fuzzy green blur of earth and an imperturbable blue sky for the chessboard lands themselves, occasionally punctuated by a scream of vegetation wooshing past and gone before they've even had a chance to see it.

".. I think I know why they don't serve food here!" Terry says, shouting over the wooshing of the wind to make himself heard, his knuckles white as his hands grip the edge of the seat.

Rien D'Arqueness has posed:
"Correction. I haven't got any suit. Not even a birthday suit!" Rien calls after the ticket-taker, chuckling to herself over the terrible puns. She looks in on the club car, however, and smiles. "Well, makes you wonder if there's a heart, diamond, and spade car too." Turning back towards Terry, she grins, "This is pretty fu-AH!"

That second bang is even louder from the inside! He can see the small trickle of blood from her ear before her mutant healing kicks in to repair the blown ear drum. Downside to heightened senses, sometimes it hurts to have them!

She's unprepared and thrown against the back wall of the train before picking herself up and drawing on her own magic. A light blue-white glow starts to line the walls and floor and ceiling of the train car. And while they might be moving faster than sound, within this car, it's as if they were standing still. No more centrifugal force to try and pull them from their seats.

"Mmph. Next time, can we take the Horse of a Different Color?" She takes her seat, letting out a sigh and rubbing at the side of her head lightly. "Or even the turnip truck would be preferable." Rien shakes her head and looks over to Terry, "But at least now we should be able to talk normally and not worry about being thrown off the train BY the train."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"I... guess aerodynamics and ergonomics aren't really a /thing/ here in Wonderland-" Terry begins.
A woman with a helmet of white her and the wide mouth of a comedienne sitting in an adjacent seat cuts in, "Oh no, dears, I daresay they haven't. Here we design by Ergo-Sumnomics," she says. Her companion, a burly pig in a pinstripe suit, nods, "We think it works therefore it does."
"Mostly," the woman admits.

Terry sighs and glances at Rien, "That's the way things go around here. Are you ok? That was a nasty tumble you took there."

Something strange is happening up ahead, though. People are coming in and out of the Club Car, who are not club cards themselves. The ticket-taker is talking to several people, shaking his head, looking back into the car, and then comes out wringing his paws. "Oh dear, oh dear," he mumbles, "What to do, what to do?"

Rien D'Arqueness has posed:
"More to the point... magic trumps physics." Rien flashes a quick grin towards Terry before turning to look at the woman and her companion. She blinks at them, then smiles, "That's actually not far off. Will and belief are two of the strongest forces that exist. There's a lot you can make happen with just those two things."

Looking back to Terry, she chuckles, "It's fine. What she said is actually not terribly far off from how magic works. So, she isn't entirely wrong." Blinking, Rien smiles and shakes her head, "Oh no, that barely even registers on my pain scale. Completely fine."

Her attention is drawn to the commotion, both brows lifting, "Uh oh, they aren't wearing the proper suits. Hope they don't get ousted. At these speeds it could be fatal..." THen the goat comes through and she blinks, glancing to Terry then back to the goat, "What's the matter?"

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"Oh, Madam. A most terrible, I say, most terrible affair, yes indeed," the goat stammers, glancing back at the entrance to the club car. He leans forward with a conspiratorial air after looking at the other passengers, and whispers, "There has been... a murder!"

Terry's eyes widen, "Run that by us again?"
"A murder!" The goat looks around, to ensure only they have heard what he has to say.

Then, he takes a look at Rien, and ventures, "You wouldn't happen to be... a detective, would you?"

Rien D'Arqueness has posed:
Perhaps because she's very much older, and very much more jaded, and not from Wonderland... it doesn't quite hit her as unusual that there's been a murder. She glances around as everyone is gasping mightily and looking horrified.

Then she lifts both brows at Terry's question and glances towards the club car, "I wouldn't call myself Miss Marple, but.. I hunt demons for a living, so, tracking down clues and investigating crime scenes is sort of a by-product."

Rising up from her seat, she looks to the goat ticket-taker, "Can you clear the club car? Have everyone wait in their private cars, or in the other cars. We'll need to see the scene of the crime. And if there's a..." She pauses, then looks to Terry, "Are there doctors and the like in Wonderland? Anatomy is going right out the window but..." She shakes her head and lets out a breath, "Actualy, nevermind. This is going to be way weirder than any normal crime scene."

Looking back to the ticket-taker, she nods, "If you'll lead the way, maybe we can figure out who committed the murder."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"There are doctors in Wonderland," Terry contributes, "But they're very specific doctors. The Queen of Hearts employs Beaters and Binders when her soldiers get injured..." there are, alas, no such professionals on the train, the goat says. He proceeds to clear out the car and then leads the Not Quite Detectives in.

The room is clearly in disarray, the luxurious furniture no longer neatly aligned by the sides of the car, and the bar at the end sporting several upended containers of liquor, which have spilled liberally across the top. leaning against another corner, several golf clubs are leaning against the wall, one of them bent.

There's one thing missing, however.

"Um... where's the body?" Terry asks, looking around the cart.

The goat shakes his head, "No body was found," he answers plainly.
"Then how do you know someone was killed?"
"There were five cards when the door was closed for departure. When I came back, there were only four, and there are no other card soldiers in the rest of the train!" the goat says, eyebrows raised, "Ergo, murder!"

Rien D'Arqueness has posed:
Rien follows the ticket-taker and Terry into the club car, looking at the scene, taking it all in. She sniffs at the air as if trying to get a sense of each of the cards' scents. But without a body to examine, she turns to the other clues presented. Examining the overturned furniture and upended liquor, then pausing at the gold clubs to note the bent one.

"Where are the other cards being held?" She looks to the goat and lifts a brow, "If I can meet with them, I can get their scent, then weed out the missing one and follow that to either wherever it is, or was disposed of."

Looking back to Terry, she adds, "There was definitely conflict and physical altercation in here. The furniture, the liquor, the golf club... all indicative of a rather nasty fight. I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was a murder." Then to the goat, briefly, "Can you take us to the other cards, please? We'll need to question them."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
Among the things found in the car, there are some black stains on one of the large chairs, and a handkerchief that seems to have been smothered in rubbing alcohol, the traces of it almost evaporated by now. The scents are all very similar... cardboard.

"But of course, Madame. This way." The Goat leads them towards the sleeper cars. On the way, they bump into a strange fellow- he appears to be a card, but not a playing card at all, his body is covered in elegant handwriting.
"Watts!" the card calls out at the Goat, who then exhales and rolls his eyes. "I have told you already, I am not Watts, I am his son."
"Coulda fooled me!" the card says jovially, "You're a chad off the ol' card stock!"

"I thought you said there were no more cards on the train," Terry frowns.
"Playing Cards. That one-"
"Bruce! Tina! Edugevius!" comes the voice down the hall
"-is a calling card."

There are four card soldiers in one compartment. Nuber 5, Nuber 6, Number 7, and Number 9. All of them look up at the newcomers in apprehension.

"Gentlemen," the Goat says, "The investigators. I believe they have questions for you."

Rien D'Arqueness has posed:
The stains, the scent of the rubbing alcohol, they make her pause, looking them over a little closer. Once she's examined them, however, it's time to move on to the actual playing cards.

Bumping into the calling card in the hall, she inhales, drawing in that scent and then watching the car as it pases them by. A faint smile starting to appear on her lips. She looks to Terry and gives a small nod before turning back, "Yes, please, onward to the cards."

Once they reach the compartment and enter, Rien offers a nod to them all. "Gentlecards, we won't take up much of your time. What can you tell us about what occurred in the club card and the disappearance of... shall I presume it was the 8 of Clubs?" Since that one is missing.

Leaning in, she murmurs to Terry, "The calling card is almost certainly the missing playing card, but I want to see how they answer so we can determine if it was something the card did to itself, or if it was done to the card by the others."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
Number 5 makes a face, "It all was peculiar."
6 cuts in, "No, strange is the word for it, definitely strange."
"We're traveling to Whitehall with a gift of tarts for the White Queen, on behalf of her Majesty Amy, The Queen of Hearts-"

Terry leans in to Rien, "Harley sort of... overthrew the Queen of Hearts when we left her behind for a few days and then abdicated in favor of her maid, Amy."

"That very one!" number 9 nods, pointing, "I thought you looked familiar!"
"In any case," 5 continues, "The four of us traveled to the train station near Taydem hall," that's the Queen of Heart's palace, Terry fills in as the card continues, "And there waiting for us was 8."
"Said he had volunteered," 7 indicates, "But methinks he wanted to atone for accidentally painting the roses yellow. Again."
"Poor chap was so embarrassed by the episode he didn't even wish to have it mentioned in his presence," 5 says, shaking his head sadly.

Inez Temple has posed:
Rien glances back to Terry, "Is this Amy girl qualified to be the Queen of Hearts?"

Then she's looking back to the cards, nodding, "Thank you. Now, the incident with his disappearance. What can you tell me? Were any of you in the car with him when he disappeared? Did the lights go out? Was there anyone suspicious hanging around shortly beforehand?" Rien already has a good idea of what happened to the 8 of Clubs, but she wants to know if any of them were in on the scam.

Still, she keeps her posture and tone casual, easygoing, even wearing a light smile as she watches him. "Do you know if he was to be punished for painting the roses yellow?"

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"I... don't really think the job comes with qualifications..." Terry quips.

Six says, "Oh, yes, he was definitely going to be punished. There's protocol, you know- although Queen Amy has been trying to change it. She just ... hasn't gotten to it yet."

Seven, "Beheading. It's very messing and unflattering... but as you asked: we were all in the car, and Eight was acting very peculiar. That being- he didn't seem to care about his punishment!"
Nine: "We figured he was simply trying to live in the moment, as it were,"
Six: "Since there wouldn't be any afterwards."
Seven: "Then, at one point, he wanted to do the strangest thing- a game of Shufflequaff..."
Nine: "We objected, because we had no proper bats to play, and no balls- but he suggested that we simply use the golf clubs-"
Seven: "And well, he declared that we would simply use the light-bulb as our ball, which I thought rather odd, but he was so enthusiastic-"
Nine: "And then he swung and everything went dark..."
Seven: "And that's when Watt's son came in... and Eight was gone!"

Inez Temple has posed:
"I'm not saying it comes with requirements, but is she going to like... fundamentally change Wonderland because she was never -meant- to be the Queen of Hearts?" Rien whispers back to Terry.

Turning her attention back to the cards, she nods as they tell their tale, a slight smile appearing on her lips as her suspicions are confirmed. "Thank you, all. This has been very enlightening. I want to assure you that none of you are in any trouble and did precisely what you should have done. I'm going to ask you to remain in this car for awhile longer while I confer with my colleague here. THe matter should be resolved shortly."

TUrning, she nudges at Terry and nods towards the hall, moving back out of the car and asking, "Is there somewhere private we can talk? I have a few questions but I don't want others to overhear them."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"Who is meant to do anything?" Terr whispers back with a grin, "Because, if you are a strict textualist, right now we are doing something we shouldn't be /meant/ to do, since you are in Wonderland."

Taking their leave of the cards, Terry asks the Goat for the most private room they have. "Oh, follow me!"

They are ushered into...

Well. The water closet. It is a /large/ water closet, for all purposes, but still a water closet.

"I should have known. I did ask for the most private room... but nobody is going to bother us here." A pause. Then he goes over and flips a switch on the sign, so OCCUPIED is shown on the other side.

"/Now/ we won't be bothered. You said you had questions?"

Inez Temple has posed:
Rien offers a wry smile towards Terry, "As that question of someone who wasn't born to do a very specific thing, I couldn't tell you, because I -am- meant to do what I do. It's literally why I exist at all." She shrugs lightly and glances around the train with a faint smile, "I'll have to try to figure out if there are other fictional dimensions that exist as well..."

Then she's tucking the thought away for another day as they are lead to.. the bathroom. She can't help but laugh lightly as they're shown in and the door closed behind them. Giving a nod, still chuckling, Rien offers, "Well, it -is- quite private..."

Then she's getting back to the business at hand, "Okay, I need to know.. do you -want- this 8 of Clubs to be punished? This isn't my world, so the decision won't affect me. But before we sentence him to 'off with his head', I need to know if the truth is going to be bothersome. Because I can absolutely fabricate some crazy tale for the card's 'death' and we can let him just.. go on about his new life as a calling card."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
The Cheshire cat scratches his chin and raises his eyebrows, "Ah, so he is trying to go off on a new life and avoid punishment. Well... I know Queen Amy is trying to change things, but that's going to take some paperwork, and I don't think Number Eight will have much time if he's caught..."

He frowns, and then smirks at Rien. "You know... you could tell them the truth. Technically speaking, Number Eight did kind of kill ... Number Eight. Now you just need to frame it in a way that is convincing enough to account for no body, and no suspect."

Inez Temple has posed:
"I could only tell them a portion of the truth. If I give them the whole of it, then they're ALL complicit in Eight's deception. Besides, all those beings would never be able to keep the secret. Someone would talk and then there would be more trials and more punishments." Rien lifts a small shrug and purses up her lips, "The problem is, I can't have Eight disembark the train because... well, given how fast we're going, he would never have survived the wind shears. They'd have cut him to pieces. Which would leave him still on board."

She shakes her head, "I don't know how to set this up so that Eight erased himself AND is no longer on board."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
Terry frowns and looks at himself in the mirror for a second, and then he flips his hair out of his eyes. "This is Wonderland. We don't need to have a convincing story so much as it /sounds/ convincing by their own quirky logic. So let's go over some of how the story might look from /their/ perspective... but we've got to think like cards." He huffs, The eight of clubs went to the club car and grabbed a club... that's three clubs. Wait, or is it? I was never really very good at cards. Mom tried to teach me to play pinochle and I could never really get what was a trick and what was a meld and a trump."

Inez Temple has posed:
"Weeeeeeeeeeelll.. we could say that to save Queen Amy's face, the Eight took it upon himself to dissolve himself of wrongdoing by washing himself clean and leaving his sins as a stain upon the train. The sofa will have to be beheaded, of course, but since it has no head to begin with, that shouldn't trouble it overmuch." Rien is generally not a punster, but she knows how to twist a phrase to wring it out to dry. She looks to Terry and lifts a shrug, "Since it was the Eight that was guilty, and what is left of Eight is a stain on a sofa in the club car, they can execute the sofa, and the Calling Card can go on about his business."

Terry O'Neil has posed:
"Now you are thinking like a Wonderlander," Terry grins, "... which means we should probably get to Whitehall as soon as possible and do the tour before it becomes permanent. But if you are going to do a denouement, you are going to need this..." he offers her a pipe, "Trust me, it works for gesturing dramatically. And then I shall write a book about this case as your Captain Hastings and call it The Case Of The Crazy Eights." Because that is the one card game he is not terrible at.

He gestures, "After you."

Inez Temple has posed:
Laughing lightly, Rien shakes her head, "This place is fun to visit but I don't know that I could really 'go native'. But okay, let's do this." She takes the pipe from him as she slides the lock to the 'OPEN' position and exits the water closet.

Looking for Watts son, she offers a smile, "Ah, there you are Watts son! Excellent, I do believe we've solved this case. If you could gather everyone into the club car, I'll reveal the culprit of this most contrary caper." She gestures a bit with the pipe just to make an impression.

Then she's heading past him so that she can head to the club car.

Terry O'Neil has posed:
And soon, the club car is filled with... well, everyone on the train, up to and including the conductor. Rien did, after all, say 'everyone' to a Wonderlander. It is a very tight fit, indeed, but somehow Watt's son has managed to do it. Even if it means there is an ostrich clinging from one of the small chandeliers, being that it is the only free space. A small square of floor space has been cleared for Rien and her assistant, though, that she might point the finger.

Inez Temple has posed:
"Thank you all for gathering so quickly. As you know, the Eight of Clubs is accused of having been murdered, most fowly," Rien gesitculates with the pie, then points to the ostrich. "BUT. Be rest assured, my dear avian fellow, because we have sleuthed out the truth and the culprit shall be revealed!" Resuming her waving of the pipe, she begins to pace.

"Our first clue came in the club car, of course. The bent club, and a most malodious stain upon the sofa. With a faint hint of acetone to the air, amongst all the spilled liquor, it painted a picture. But before the paint could dry, we needed to get the facts from the other clubs!" She points to the quartet of Clubs, now. "From your stories, I was able to deduce that the Eight had been in a nasty pickle, a truly briny situation. He was guilty of painting the roses yellow, and was subject to the justice set forth by the Queen... off with his head!"

After the dramatic pause, she paces a bit more, gesturing with the pipe, "His conscience could not bear the weight of his actions... and so, to save the Queen's face, The Eight very cleverly arranged to dissolve himself of his guilt! In the aftermath of a rousing game of Shufflequaff, he cleansed himself of his sins and began anew! Now, however, the true culprit is the one bearing the -stain- of those sins!" ANd here she stops, whirls, and points accusingly at the sofa bearing the stain. "For bearing the stain of Eight, that sofa must be remanded into custody and it's sentence carried out!"

Terry O'Neil has posed:
There is a collective 'gasp' from the crowd and both the conductor and the engineer hug each other to bear the shock (no, really, who is driving the train at this point?). The next few seconds are pandemonium, as the sofa is extricated from its place in the club car and dragged away to the brig.

Only for people to realize that a passenger train has no brig, and then eventually decide to simply shove it into the water closet and have someone lean against the door until they reach their destination, and quietly hope nobody has an emergency during the trip.

The detective, on the other hand, is feted and hauled as an insightful luminary. There is champagne that is offered, and truffles. As Terry and Rien are allowed to hold court in the club car, the ticket-taker approaches Rien with wide eyes and says,

"My gods, how did you ever figure it out?"

Inez Temple has posed:
Rien looks to Terry, highly amused at this turn of events, though also quietly suggesting that the conductor be released to drive the traing. She is enjoying some champagne and truffles when the ticket-taker approaches. The question has her chuckling and tucking the pipe into one corner of her mouth.

"Elementary, my dear Watts son. He who wears the stain of sin must bear the burden... and sofas are always bearing the burdens of others."

Not that that makes any sort of sense at all, which of course means it makes perfect sense! Rien blinks as she tries to not delve too deeply into the magic of Wonderland, drawing on only what she needs to get through the visit. Potent, dangerous stuff.

Looking back to Terry, she murmurs, "I do hope the train stops soon, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up without starting to believe it."