|Wade Wilson (Scenesys ID: 178)|
|Occupation:||Merc with a Mouth|
|Education:||Street Smarts, baby|
|Groups:||Rogues Gallery, Suicide Squad, Xavier's School|
|Apparent Age:||34||Actual Age:||34|
|Date of Birth||01 Apr 1985||Played By||Ryan Reynolds|
|Hair Color:||Sparse||Eye Color:||Two|
|Theme Song:||"Angel of the Morning" by Juice Newton/"Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit/"My Way" by Frank Sinatra|
Merc With A Mouth, Bon Vivant, Killer of Killers, The Guy in the Red Suit, Winner of the 2005 Royal Rumble match. Wade Wilson is an unkillable killing machine, which doesn't seem fair but WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, B***H. Okay, that was a little harsh, sorry. Anyway, he's a famous mutant fighty guy who heals a lot and you should really just Google me because it's way faster and comes with pictures of my tush.
* 1985: A star is born, squealing and shamelessly nude. The nurses gathered round and gazed in wide wonder at the joy they had found. And then I farted.
* 1994: Wade gets his first gun. I named it Gunny. Look, I was nine, back off, Stephen King, we aren't all naturally creative. Sheesh.
* 1997: Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee made a video on a boat. Young Wade would never be the same.
* 2003: Joins Canadian military. Learns what an oxymoron is.
* 2005: Transferred to special forces. Becomes most badass Canadian since Anne Murray.
* 2009: Dishonorable discharge after 'The Golden Girls Incident'. Less said about this, the better. Enters the job market as a professional mercenary. Meet amazing and superhot chick who is way out of his league and decides to ruin her life by falling in love with her.
* 2011: Cancer diagnosis proves the value of universal healthcare. Except it can't cure me. Sucko. Government offers miracle cure through horrifying pain-torture-burning. Dumbass Wade says okay.
* 2012: No more cancer. Can't die. Realllllllllll ugly. Avenges stuff but can't call himself an Avenger for 'copyright reasons'. Starts wearing a mask and calling himself Deadpool instead.
* Present: Professional mercenary with a snazzy costume, often pesters the X-men, gets full collection of all the Van Wilder movies. Life is good. Ish.
I do have a softer side! I'm a hopeless romantic, emphasis on the lack of hope! I may have momentary slips into abyssal emptiness and existential despair that result in me falling into murderous rages or violent bouts of self-destruction - a bad case of the Mondays, I call it! There's a lot of general self-loathing, specific self-loathing, categorized self-loathing and sourdough self-loaving when I get out the breadmaker. LOVE THAT YEAST.
Okay, so, let's be honest: I'm a lovable rogue. A scamp. A mischief maker. I like chaos, I can't help it. It makes my huevos all picante. I will admit to sometimes being disrespectful. Rude, unbending to authority. I like to stick it to the man, especially if the stick is sharp and pointy!
I can be really vicious. Like, super psycho. I chop people up like one of those late night informercials with the spinning bullet where they drop in the poor, helpless cauliflower and it goes SPINZZZZZZZ and there are itty bitty pieces flying everywhere. Except I do it with people. With my swords. And my guns. And sometimes my teeth. Well, not that very much. Do you know how human flesh sticks in your teeth? I hate flossing.
There are those who say I can't take anything seriously. To them I say - thank you.
Secretly, I am kind of a nice person who likes puppies and little kids and wholesome family entertainment. I've been to Disneyworld way more than you might think. I own romance novels. I am especially compassionate to, like, freaks and victims for some reason - can't imagine why!
So, my mind may be a little more aware than most. You might notice that I'm speaking to you. Yes, you, sitting at your computer, reading the text on this MUX. Probably judging me. You don't know me, I can do what I want, it's my body! Anyway, this is an unusual ability. Most fictions don't quite realize they're fictions. They think they're real boys, like Pinocchio or Barry Manilow, never seeing all the elaborate artifice underneath.
I don't always have it. It comes and it goes. I don't always remember it. And, if the other person in the scene really dislikes it, I can turn it off, because my player is much nicer than I am.
I heal things. All the things. Cut my hand off, grow a new hand. Cut my head off, grow a new head. Cut my-
Hey, hey, easy there, amigo.
Little things come back in a second, big things take longer. Constant cell regeneration that makes Wolverine go "Man, that's some fast healin there eh snikt bub beer samurai".
I know my way around a Boom-Boom and I don't (just) mean the trailer trash girl that hangs around Cable! Demolitions expertise is part and parcel of all that fancy special ops training I got back when I had clear skin! Grenades, land mines, pipe bombs, all that stuff that makes the bomb-sniffing dogs sit up and ask for a Snausage. I am a mad midnight bomber what bombs at midnight.
I'm a highly trained mercenary MFer. Guns? I'm awesome with guns. I can shoot the wings off a fly at ten paces, especially if he owes me money. Pistols, sniper rifles, machine guns, tommy guns, shotguns, pellet guns, rubber band guns, Guns 'n' Roses, L.A. Guns, Guns of the Navarrone. If it has a trigger and a barrel and makes go blam, I can shoot it pretty good
Okay, it's not actually kung fu. Do you know how hard kung fu is? There's, like, masters and meditation involved. Philosophy. You have to breathe in special ways and, I dunno about you, but once I start thinking about my breathing, I can't, like, NOT think about it and then I start having anxiety and OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING NOW.
But I am good at hand-to-hand combat. Sneaky good. Punching, kicking, dodging, blocking. The Crane kick. That splits thing that Jean-Claude does on the countertops. I'm good for all that. I'm not Bruce Lee, but I could at least be in a Hong Kong movie getting my ass kicked by him, and that's not bad!
I am excellent at making fun of people. You don't think so? Well...you...you smell funny!
See? I'm making a mockery of the app system right now!
I can be sneaky. I don't like it. I'd much rather be loud. Loud is fun. But sometimes, to do a job, you have to go unnoticed. I can hide in the shadows like a ninja. I can pad along, silent as a wee little mouse. I can do that Batman thing where you look the other way and BAM I'm gone. I can even follow people without getting noticed. And then, after I've taken you by surprise and stabbed you in several of your chakras, then you will notice me. And listen to a mologue while you slowly die. Because I still like an audience.
Sharp things, made for stabbing. I love 'em! I favor katanas, but I'm a fair hand with most of your fencing weapons. When I have a cutlass, I pretend to be a pirate! Arrrrrrr! But, sufficed to say, I'm really good at carving people up with sharp stuff. Knives, too, but the swords are more phallic and attention grabbing. Gimme a sword and I can put the Dread Pirate Roberts to shame. SHAME!
I've got lots and lots of weapons. Guns, swords, bombs, experimental laser pulse rifles, something called a quantum chainsaw. I don't know how all of it works and I usually stick to the most conventional stuff, but I'm always picking up things off the various heroic and supervillainous entities with which I come in conflict and then rob blind after I kill them.
I have it! Hidden accounts, Swiss banks, all that jazz. I've got a few million. It's never enough and I spend a lot of it on Mexican food and hotel room booze. Seriously, how can a bottle that small cost fifteen dollars? And people call ME a criminal.
I know people! A lot of them hate me, but they know I'm good at what I do, so I can still rely on them for things. I have connections to the black market, to various mercenary and bounty hunter groups, military cabals, terrorist conspiracies, government agencies, and, of course, I remain a founding and lifetime member of the Dorothy Szbornak 'Ride or Die' Golden Girls fanclub.
I possess a personal holographic projector which can hide my uggo face and make me look like other people. Like much of my technology, it is stolen and I don't really know how it works, so it isn't entirely reliable, breaks down sometimes or just gives me sudden unexpected clownface. But it can be very useful as a disguise and letting me fit in with the 'normies' when I'm on a mission or just want to get a chimichanga without somebody going OH GOD WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS THING.
I stole a few dozen personal teleportation units off of an experimental wing of a snake-themed terrorist organization that gets way too much publicity without any help from me. I wear one on my belt! It allows me to zap myself away to anywhere within a twenty mile radius of my current location or even farther to any of three predetermined home bases, which are currently my apartment, my second safe house and a Hooter's Restaurant in Palm Beach, Florida. I just love buffalo wings.
Okay, so, I might not be to everyone's taste. I may alienate people and drive them to throw themselves off of buildings to get away from me, on the rare occasion. I have trouble making friends, keeping friends, having friends not try to murder me. I'm probably annoying you right now. I mean...that's okay. *sniff* I didn't need any *sniff* friends anyway.
Oh god, I'm gonna die alone.
The girl. You know the one. She may not be what she seems, she might be too good for me and I might not feel like I can show her my face. But she does matter and anybody who messes with her either is going to have leverage on me or is going to piss me off real, real bad. Like Bruce Banner after he loses his pocket protector bad.
So, I'm crazy. I talk to myself, hear voices, have "psychotic outbursts" and "disassociative episodes with paranoid schizophrenic markings". You're probably not even real but I talk to you all the time. My questionable grasp of reality can be off-putting to some, frightening to others and makes me generally unreliable, untrustworthy. And it's distracting! I have been shot while talking to my loyal public. It hurts. I blame you entirely.
Yeah, I don't like myself very much. No joke there. Just the truth. Suck it.
Yeah, I'm really, really ugly. There's just no polite way of putting it. Metaphors have been used literally, often involving overcooked foodstuffs, various kinds of animal hide. Devils of a variety of cultures have been invoked. Lunches have been lost over my appearance. And it's not just my face, it's all over. I am fully drenched and coated in a Magic Shell of hideous. But I'm not giving up my Instagram. You can't make me.
Worse Than Death:
Sure, I may be a little death immune. That's not always a good thing. I can be tortured, like, infinitely. I heal up, but I still feel all the pain, man. Pain is bad. People are less gentle when they know you can't die.
Imprisoned, too. You can't heal your way out of manacles - I've tried. Somebody could lock me in a box, throw me in the ocean and leave me to think about it for a thousand years until Jacques Cousteau's cybernetic thirtieth century alien clone finds me.
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Wade Wilson has 39 finished logs.
|SAVE YOURSELF||February 25th, 2021||Wade and Wanda save the life of a Fish called Wanda and other pets from a fire.|
|Agent Furby||February 17th, 2021||Deadpool confuses Peggy with his beautiful face and many truths, upon a visit to the Triskelion accidentally.|
|Ill Advised Career Counseling.||January 27th, 2021||Strix goes to Deadpool to get some advice. Shenanigans happen.|
|One Night at Teddy's Tacos||January 20th, 2021||Funky silliness happens in Teddy's Tacos.|
|How Jean Got Her Groove Back||November 4th, 2020||Wade and Jean go on a maybe date to find a maybe (definitely) assassin, to stop an assassination. They have some wholesome and also difficult talks. Shockingly, between Wade Wilson and Jean Grey, Jean is the clearer head in the end.|
|Six Peace Signs||October 31st, 2020||Wade and Spiral make peace.|
|X-Mansion of Horrors and Pumpkin Spiced Food||October 31st, 2020||THE XAVIER'S SCHOOL 2020 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL! STAY TUNED AFTER THE SHOW KIDS FOR A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM THE X-MEN ABOUT WHY ITS BAD TO DO DRUGS!|
|Late Night Snacks||October 29th, 2020||Wade is diagnosed brain worm free! Wholesomeness, hot chocolate, relationship advice, nachos, and planning of the Liberation of Jean Grey...|
|Group Therapy||October 27th, 2020||Dr Kat the television personality finds the wrong trio to try group therapy on. Chaos ensues.|
|A Kindness Over A Collar||October 25th, 2020||Wade goes looking for the Los Hermanos gang, meets Vanessa and she gets taken hostage. Then there was gunfire. Lost of gunfire.|
|Six Leagues Over The Pool (And Other Arm References)||October 18th, 2020||Wade, Harley, and Spiral all bond over their abnormalities, and vow to believe in themselves and that they're human after all!|
|Waller's Headache.||October 15th, 2020||Spiral is put on the spot when Waller discovers what she has been doing at prison grounds. Luckily there will be a mission where she will be able to redeem herself! Debrief is made to both Spiral and Deadpool about it. The 'audience' app gasps in anticipation!|
|That's a Spicy Meatball||October 15th, 2020||Wade and Rogue brutalize a bunch of mobsters, then hang out and have personal talks. Wade is crestfallen!|
|Uncanny Assassination||October 14th, 2020||Sally is assassinated by Deadpool. It doesn't take.|
|ZZGU: Suicide Squad Edition||October 13th, 2020||The Suicide Squad is assembled once again! They go into a camp full of nazi-cultists, get slimed, pursued by tanks, shot with miniguns but miraculously come up on top and do the mission.
RIP Jawmaw and Mysterious Ninja.
|An Assassin Hunts an Assassin Who Gets Killed By An Assassin||October 6th, 2020||Wade Wilson kills an assassin who tries to assassinate him, Strix is hunting that assassin and instead tries to assassinate Wade Wilson. He gets her into a stalemate and convinces her to eat snacks and watch the Rush Hour series. He has likely made an enemy of the Court of Owls without even realizing it.|
|Clown 4 Clown. No Not That Clown.||October 6th, 2020||Wade Wilson and Harley Quinn have an amazing night out!|
|The Mouth meets the Spiral||October 4th, 2020||Turns out Spiral is a Deadpool fan. THINK OF THE RATINGS|
|Dead Gold||September 29th, 2020||Booster Gold pushes his #AllGoldEverything campaign, and Wade Wilson shows up as support. When asked of his true origin, he explains that he's Batman, and escapes with Booster Gold's off-loaded shirts!|
|Hogwarts invitation for beginners||September 8th, 2020||if you need an explanation, you shouldn't read this.|
|Laundry Day, See You There||July 24th, 2020||Deadpool does laundry, and Domino has a sandwich!|
|Casino Night Trial||July 13th, 2020||Good times are had, fake gambling occurs.|
|I'm on a boat EXPLICIT||July 1st, 2020||Domino and Deadpool text and are friends. There's no three-way though. :(|
|Mutant Town: Sexy Charity Car-Wash||June 24th, 2020||Wherein there is charity and fanservice.|
|Super Match Game Ep102||June 22nd, 2020||Joan and Siobhan play Super Match Game with Bret, Damian, Natasha, Karen, April and Wade in a heck of a showdown, hosted by Greer!|
|We all (root beer) float down here||June 10th, 2020||Steve hangs out with Wade. Puzzles and kittens.|
|Mori doesn't have Hobbit Feet||May 21st, 2020||Deadpool and Mori have difficulty with reality. And axes.|
|WITNESS ME||May 19th, 2020||Steve and Wade save a kitty in a tree.|
|Scene title: REDACTED||May 5th, 2020||Wade visits Steve, pillow fight is had, for the Dark Side.|
|Movie Night Pt 2||April 29th, 2020||It's May the Fourth and that means it's time to watch Star Wars at Xavier's. It also means time for some duel-related shenanigans.|
|Action in Steve's Bedroom||April 27th, 2020||Wade is handcuffed to a car door, Steve helps, and weathers the Wadestorm.|
|What Might The Future Bring||April 20th, 2020||A relaxing evening out back of Xavier's turns to a lot less than relaxing with Hope learning Bishop has arrived... and a surprise cameo by Deadpool.|
|It's not kidnapping if --oh wait it's kidnapping||April 13th, 2020||Alanna helps Deadpool interrogate a villainous kidnapper.|
|I Miss You||April 10th, 2020||Wade visits Steve in his room, and they do drawings and YES WADE GETS A HUG.|
|Shots Shots Shots||March 22nd, 2020||Deadpool annoys Powergirl, Tony Stark rises in the (twitter) polls, and Deadpool causes chaos. A typical night at the club.|
|Smol Screm!||March 11th, 2020||A cat causes terrible trouble.|
|Genoshan Memorial||March 3rd, 2020||Various speakers share their thoughts on Genosha, the tragedy, and come together to share their grief.|
|Everybody Be Cool This Is A Robbery||March 2nd, 2020||Floyd and Wade save a convenience store from a robbery. Well. Sorta.|
|The Mysterious Red Hood||February 17th, 2020||Red Hood attempts to take over a small Gotham gang, but Wonder Woman, Kitty Pryde, Kaida Connolly, and Deadpool arrive to put the gang down instead.|
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